need advice from men and women *warning TMI*
Replies
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**edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.
What??? No, just no.
A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!
I know it sounds awful, but she says its been this way for years and in his words she is a chore and its too much work to spend 45 minutes with her in bed. Heart to heart yes of course, but she is considering cheating. An open marriage would be more honest and could be a win win.0 -
Is your husband on antidepressants? Some cause a reduction in libido and sexual dysfunction, including anorgasmia.
@BerryH - Thank you for responding
No, he is not on any meds. I can tell you he says that he doesn't have the drive. He has no problem with getting an erection. I am going the therapy route.0 -
**edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.
What??? No, just no.
A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!
I know it sounds awful, but she says its been this way for years and in his words she is a chore and its too much work to spend 45 minutes with her in bed. Heart to heart yes of course, but she is considering cheating. An open marriage would be more honest and could be a win win.
@downinaggiela
@meggawatt
Thank you both!! I feel great.:happy:
No, It doesn't sound awful - I am/was tempted to cheat but I not doing it. I made my vows and I am sticking to it. If after therapy he will not "work" with me then I am going to seek separation. I should not have to beg & chase - I am not hideous but I feel He should "worship my body" like I do his...make me at least feel desirable.. I am going to be 40 and we still have no kids.....I've been very patient. I am calling to make the therapy appointment this afternoon.0 -
Firstly, sorry to hear that you're having those issues :-(
As you say that your husband has suffered from depression, perhaps it's a confidence issue for him, even subconscious? I know you say that he has responded well to counselling, but there could still be an underlying problem.
The only advice I can give is to talk to him, if he is willing! I am lucky in that my husband is very open, I know not everyone is though. Tell him how you're feeling, ask him if there is anything he wants. Bite the bullet & be direct; he'll never know what you want if you don't tell him! I broached the subject of handcuffs with mine the other day. Hey, it was worth a try!! ;-)
@fiona2785
Don't be sorry....We've been talking for a longggg time now. I am making an appointment with a therapist this afternoon. I am glad be able to vent and hear other people perspectives.. Thank you so much!0 -
Some men need to be told. Were having sex tonight. Or Not tonight.
In seriousness. Talk to him, be open, and listen to see what he has to say. If he truely loves you, it shouldnt matter how you look or what size you are.
Best advice ever says my husband. I am 90% initiator in our relationship and always have been. Men need to be told straight up things and this is not an exception. Direct conversation works. Sometimes depression can get in the way of things and maybe he doesn't notice what's going on. But talking is a good way to start. I wish you luck!0 -
Talk to him. No on here can give you the right answer.0
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WOW .... usually its the woman not wanting to have sex, this gives me hope0
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The church didn't create marriage. God created marriage because it was not "good" that man should be alone. With God's grace, and serious commitment, any couple can have an awesome marriage! :-)0
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The other way around at mine0
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Be completely honest with him -- clear, open communication is always the best route for everyone involved. It can be tough to do, of course. Also, note that dieting tends to dampen a person's sex drive, so that explains part of it.0
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sorry sweetie.. i had that problem with my ex husband... only i had to beg and only get it once every 4-6 weeks. I had lost 50 lbs, everyone kept telling him how proud he should be and he didn't care. I studied porn, got a book on how to please my man... i tried playing hard to get, the aggressor, the seductress... he told a therapist he had been depressed for years. he is now married to a frigid, emasculating *****. Maybe it's time you BOTH went to counseling???0
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Definitely talk to him but he may want to go have some blood tests done. Assuming he as old or older than you he may have low testosterone, if so with you looking good and feeling very "anxious" he may be depressed cause his sex drive is low. If it is low T then there are a lot of options at his disposal that can over come that.0
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Well, unfortunately you set a standard in your relationship for over a decade. Therapists will say that it's not fair to expect someone to change from who you know they are just because you want them to. It may have nothing to do with his body. He just may not be that sexual, and was giving you what you asked for because you asked for it.
Sure, it could be a lot of things, but I think it's unfair for you to expect him to suddenly want to jump your bones just because YOU feel sexier. Maybe he isn't adjusting to the new body as well as you are? Seems to me that maybe you need your own therapist as well.0 -
Some guys are turned on by large women. I have heard several stories like this one. Maybe some couples councilling is in order here. Sex is, indeed, an important part of a marriage and you both need to really want change. That's why I recommend couples councilling. You both must be willing to save your marriage, or it's like rescussitating a dead horse.0
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Talk to him. No on here can give you the right answer.
@ErinBeth7
I know there is no right answer. My post read I was looking for other peoples perspective.
thank you0 -
Facts are this...
Men NEED to feel like they are NEEDED and APPRECIATED for what we do for our families. We also need to feel like we are handling our business in the bedroom. Does he know that he satisfies you? Maybe try something new sexually. AFter years.. i would hope not to be doing the same missionary position. Let him know you are open to try new things and that you WANT him. Yes, this may mean initiating, but make it to where you are craving him and want all of him as opposed to a routine sex session.0 -
He might not feel so confident with himself now, especially if you are looking better. If he's on anti-depressants this can be a cramp in the bedroom, he may not be in the mood due to that. Build up his self esteem as best you can, compliment him. I wouldn't push him too hard, men tend to pull away more when you do that.0
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Some guys are turned on by large women. I have heard several stories like this one. Maybe some couples councilling is in order here. Sex is, indeed, an important part of a marriage and you both need to really want change. That's why I recommend couples councilling. You both must be willing to save your marriage, or it's like rescussitating a dead horse.
@icerafta
Agree'd - I am going to make a therapy appointment. Thank you soo much!0 -
I think you need to go to therapy and you both need to do couples therapy.
Depression does kill the sex drive and getting an erection doesn't mean he has a sex drive, just means his penis works. He can have no desire to have sex and still get it up. I would imagine that's why he wants to do it quickly. My guess is he doesn't want to have sex but knows you do so he is doing what he can to please you but is feeling bad that he can't really give you want you want.... it's a vicious downward spiral. He knows you aren't happy and that makes him feel more depressed and so on and so on.
that's why I think a therapist is important because they can channel the discussion into a positive direction, get to the heart of the matter and keep his depression from getting worse.
It is hard on the spouse when depression is involved. You are feeling better because you are healthier and want to share that. But he is battling something so different that I bet he can't even explain it to you. Maybe seeing you get healthier and happier is sub consciously making him worry you will leave him. That you are proving you don't need him anymore to be happy.
Go talk to someone who can help you better understand what your husband is dealing with.0 -
Well, unfortunately you set a standard in your relationship for over a decade. Therapists will say that it's not fair to expect someone to change from who you know they are just because you want them to. It may have nothing to do with his body. He just may not be that sexual, and was giving you what you asked for because you asked for it.
Sure, it could be a lot of things, but I think it's unfair for you to expect him to suddenly want to jump your bones just because YOU feel sexier. Maybe he isn't adjusting to the new body as well as you are? Seems to me that maybe you need your own therapist as well.
@Quasita thank you for your response...
I am going to see a therapist. Marriage is a two way street. Thank you for your opinion.0 -
WOW .... usually its the woman not wanting to have sex, this gives me hope
@fatboypup
See.....Thank you for responding :laugh:0 -
K.I.S.S.
Some people just have a harder time initiating sex than others. I have a good friend who is a sex therapist ( Yes, seriously.) A lot of techniques he uses when a couple is ready to get intimate are things like using a sexual position book and having them taking turns picking one out each night. So, Monday you pick, Tuesday he picks, etc. Also, he sets them up with a sex schedule they are comfortable with. I think if he is just one of those people uncomfortable with initiation it might be easier to start with something that gives him permission to initiate.
I don't think it has much to do with you or him/his mental health, it might just be something he is afraid to do because he is worried about approriate or inapprpriate boundaries during initiation, he might be just that fearful of rejection from you, etc...something simple. In psych we always use parsimony- meaning it is usually the simplest explanation for behavior. Otherwise, we'd all be walking around with diagnosed personality disorders.
Try doing some "games", make it fun, and he can learn and be confident in knowing what you like and how you like it, so he feels better about being the initiator.0 -
Well done first of all on your amazing weight loss!
At a time when you should be feeling great your husband being at a low ebb has to be hard to deal with. The good thing is at least he is turning the corner now and feeling better...
I think the main thing for you to do is not feel you are to blame for this, how he is feeling is likely to be nothing to do with how he feels about you.
Was he into seducing you before? I know we can all get into ruts and what we once made time for can become infrequent. Could he be a little bit threatened that you are now looking so well?
I do feel as he gets better mentally then that will have a positive effect in the bedroom.
Your suggestions have been ignored so perhaps hes just not comfortable with those ideas, can you get him to talk about the physical side at all?
I think the best approach for you is to be patient, be more touchy feely and enjoy kissing and cuddling just for now - let things that follow come naturally...
Its always best to talk your feelings through in a patient and loving way, without making him feel he is lacking in anyway as its a sensitive subject.
I do feel for you and I hope this is just a temporary blip for the both of you, you both should be enjoying a physically loving relationship for many years to come. I find that sometimes we can get out of the habit of love making so its just a matter of making new habits and that will take the both of you working on those and keeping things fun.
I hope that others reply to your post, others who can give you more professional advice - I am just replying from lifes experiences.
Ruth
@ruthc69 Thanks so much for responding - I have a lot to comment/respond to you on this so I will edit and do later...0 -
I have a serious question. I am not trying to be mean or anything of the sort.
Is he over weight as well? What I mean is, if you have lost 125 pounds, I bet with no doubt that you are looking hot as hell!! If you both were over weight, perhaps he was more comfortable then, then now when you are a hot momma and he is getting more depressed by the day being over weight. It could be the confidence issue with him- already having depression issues and then you go (and good for you!) and lose 125 pounds, now you are sexy, you are hot, and you are confident and he see's this. Maybe the depression is making him feel like he doesn't deserve you, instead of jumping in bed MORE now that you lost the weight, he is so self conscious to do it and avoids it all together.
My thoughts and opinions. Hope it helps!! :flowerforyou: ♥0 -
Thank you both!! I feel great.:happy:
No, It doesn't sound awful - I am/was tempted to cheat but I not doing it. I made my vows and I am sticking to it. If after therapy he will not "work" with me then I am going to seek separation. I should not have to beg & chase - I am not hideous but I feel He should "worship my body" like I do his...make me at least feel desirable.. I am going to be 40 and we still have no kids.....I've been very patient. I am calling to make the therapy appointment this afternoon.
You go girl! I hope it works, but if it doesn't. I hope the pain is short lived and you can move on with your life quickly and be appreciated more by a man who SHOULD worship your body. The second my BF stops touching me, playing or other wise, we have a problem. You should not have to beg for intimacy that you and he promised in your vows. To love and to Cherish... he need's to be cherishing you!!!
Best of luck! I can say the cheating road is not the one to go on, you want to be completely happy with yourself and I think this would hurt you in the end.0 -
I am married 12years / 39years old
over the last 2 years have lost 125lbs
over the last 6 years my hubby has been mildly depressed and finally seen a therapist recently and is thankfully much better.
I deeply love hime - I know he loves me but there are time I feel that he is not IN love with me.
my problem is that while I was heavy - I didn't mind being the initiator behind closed doors.
since my weight change I feel more sexier, curvies and people notice. I am definitely more wanting of him only he is not.
He does nothing to "seduce me" and is only interested in quickies....when he is interested. Even that is maximum 4 times a month. I have stopped trying to "seduce" him because I feel I shouldn't have to always be the initiator.
I have requested he look up seduction techniques or I told him he could lay a nightie on the bed and I would change as soon I got home. Over a period of months he has not done it once...
I am just asking for a fresh perspective....
thank you.
I'm right there with you!
Married 14.5 years.
40lbs gone and looking better than I did in High School.
Getting noticed!
Arent you glad the church created marriage?!
YAY!!!!
=(
What he said!0 -
K.I.S.S.
Some people just have a harder time initiating sex than others. I have a good friend who is a sex therapist ( Yes, seriously.) A lot of techniques he uses when a couple is ready to get intimate are things like using a sexual position book and having them taking turns picking one out each night. So, Monday you pick, Tuesday he picks, etc. Also, he sets them up with a sex schedule they are comfortable with. I think if he is just one of those people uncomfortable with initiation it might be easier to start with something that gives him permission to initiate.
I don't think it has much to do with you or him/his mental health, it might just be something he is afraid to do because he is worried about approriate or inapprpriate boundaries during initiation, he might be just that fearful of rejection from you, etc...something simple. In psych we always use parsimony- meaning it is usually the simplest explanation for behavior. Otherwise, we'd all be walking around with diagnosed personality disorders.
Try doing some "games", make it fun, and he can learn and be confident in knowing what you like and how you like it, so he feels better about being the initiator.
@blair_bear - Thank you for your insight...
Oh, I believe you and I really appreciate the ideas - I will definitely keep them in mind...I made an appointment for therapy too
BTW! Love the profile pic!!0 -
I have a serious question. I am not trying to be mean or anything of the sort.
Is he over weight as well? What I mean is, if you have lost 125 pounds, I bet with no doubt that you are looking hot as hell!! If you both were over weight, perhaps he was more comfortable then, then now when you are a hot momma and he is getting more depressed by the day being over weight. It could be the confidence issue with him- already having depression issues and then you go (and good for you!) and lose 125 pounds, now you are sexy, you are hot, and you are confident and he see's this. Maybe the depression is making him feel like he doesn't deserve you, instead of jumping in bed MORE now that you lost the weight, he is so self conscious to do it and avoids it all together.
My thoughts and opinions. Hope it helps!! :flowerforyou: ♥
@msmith2020 - Thank you for responding!! I am not offended at all...
He is a little overweight. Not by a lot his weight is not an issue, he could lose a few if he wants and he is ok where he is on that. My weight is still up there. I started at 414 and I am now 289. I have great curves and the spare tire is deflating. My collarbones are back.He knows I only want him. However in order to get him to go to therapy I had to tell him that I would cheat....That got his attention and after a week and a half putting it off he finally made the appointment. He is better since seeing the therapist so...I went ahead and made an appointment for myself too.0 -
**edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.
What??? No, just no.
A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!
Open marriage??? might as well be divorced... COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! Congrats on losing weight, try to take this new confidence you have and work on your marriage... best of luck!0 -
I'm wondering if he feels intimidated by your success. He might just not be comfortable in his own skin; it might not be YOU, per se.
I've heard from a few men over the years that they worry when their women loose weight in that they won't want the "old, fat hubby" any longer. Therapy and talking. Maybe a stroll through a sex shop?
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