Relationships

I find it quite difficult in relationships , I rabbit on a lot, and if I talk about what friends get up to, cars, technology, random things I often get accused of 'going on' I love people who can just jibber endlessness about anything and dont hang off every point, twist it and make it an issue.

If you are just choosing to make the ex an issue, because that is what you tend to do then you have the problem, you are a control freak.

If there generally is a belief something is 'going on' behind your back or even simply they are more into the ex than you - that is a reality you should probably not ignore. However, the solution to that is go your separate ways - not bully into submission - you can't change people

My bf has to talk to his ex because they have a kid together. But i dont trust him due to the fact that he has lied about what he has said to her before. He has made her look great and made me feel like i will never be good enough. We have been off and on for a long time. The last 2 yrs we have been together straight but I think i will always feel that he would take her over me.

I talk to my EX husband a few times a month. Our son is 26, but we still talk about what is going on in his life. My husband doesn't mind at all.

If you trust your partner then it shouldn't bother you at all

i agree.

i also decided a long time ago that i wasn't going to waste my time worrying about things i could not control. I treat my wife very well, and try to find something to do daily to make her life better. that is the stuff i can control. i don't care who she talks to. If she is going to stray, then she's going to stray no matter what i do.

It wouldn't bother me. As long as there is trust, it should be an issue.

I was just wondering, how would you feel if your bf/gf/spouse/etc. spoke to an ex on a regular bases? Under which circumstances would it bother you or not?

Why do I feel like you aren't "just wondering"? That you bumped this thread three minutes after creating it tells me it's more than a innocent question you are simply curious about. I could be wrong, though.

I'm old and boring and don't expect you, at 19, to fully appreciate what I'm going to say. I don't mean to be condescending. You are probably far more mature than I was at 19. But relationships at 19 are a lot different than they are at 29. Or 39. And us old farts aren't any smarter or better or anything like that. We've simply had more practice making the same mistakes. That's all it is.

If you trust your relationship - trust your partner, trust yourself, trust in the relationship itself - a lot of stuff doesn't matter. There will always be attractive people my wife talks to. There will be ex-boyfriends, men she has had a history with, etc. I don't worry about it because I can't. I just don't have the energy. (another advantage of getting older is getting more tired - which forces you to be selective about things that are truly worth getting upset over).

The fact is, if my wants to talk to an ex, and somehow they fall in love and sneak off to Cancun or something, it would feel pretty terrible. I'm not making light of infidelity. However, the hard part to accept (and maybe the piece that will be tough for you) is that if my wife was willing to do that, me getting upset about her having coffee with an ex isn't going to change anything.

If my wife wants to be with me, then she will act accordingly. If I want to be with my wife, I will act accordingly. I'll go so far as to say that it's not even about trusting whether she talks to an ex or not, but about whether she wants to be in the relationship with me. And I trust that she does. And I know that I do. So, we don't have that problem.

In other words, the important thing is whether you and your partner want to be together. Try as we might (with the help of insecurity, neurosis and Hallmark), there is no other question more crucial as that one. If you and your partner want to be together, act accordingly. Everything else follows.

I'm saying all of this from the comfort of a 17-year relationship (married 15). I think that if you are in a relationship with someone and his/her behavior is bothering you, you should talk about it. You can talk about something without being demanding. You can talk about something without freaking out. You can talk about it without having expectations. Just talk about it. Get it out there. Own it. Focus on you. Be patient.

On a regular basis? I'd absolutely have a problem with it. It's not about trust; it's about respect for each other and the relationship. If you are involved with someone else, it IS disrespectful to maintain regular contact with a person with whom you were once in love and/or shared a sexual relationship. It's one thing to say hi when you see each other in the grocery store. It's entirely another to be talking on the phone, texting, e-mailing, Facebooking, having lunch/dinner, etc., on a regular basis.

My husband and I got married young (21) so he didn't have many serious relationships, aside from one. All the other girls were high school girl friends. He made a comment after we got married that "she's the only other woman he would have put a ring on the finger of" Nice, huh? It's been 4-5 years since he has said that, but whenever her name comes up, I still fume on the inside.... I try not to say anything, but I think he knows better by now. They speak very infrequently.

Now if it is your significant other talking to their ex that they have children with I can see that being different (there is nothing you can do about it-they have children together they are going to communicate). I look at it this way, if you are looking for trouble your gonna find it. If your significant other is communicating via text and calling or hanging out with an ex without you then to me that is a red flag and is inconsiderate of the others feelings. I don't see any reason they can't say "hey how have you been"--something along those lines; but if it is something they wouldnt say infront of you then that is not a good sign (hiding things and just "not saying anything" is just a bad as lying in my book when you are in a monogomous relationship). Exes are never a good topic and can cause such havoc in a relationship, jealousy is a awful emotion to feel.