Bit of a rant & request for idea for dealing with guests

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NikkiSixGuns
NikkiSixGuns Posts: 630 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'll attempt to keep this short...

My husband and I host a family get together once a month. We're about 17 people in all. We started hosting them after my father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago. Ya know - the whole lightbulb effect of losing a family member & realizing how dumb it is that all we see each other so rarely when we live so close to each other.

I enjoy seeing family and spending time with them, but there are several things that happen pretty routinely that really rub me the wrong way and make me want to scrap the whole business. I'd appreciate any honest suggestions for how to address them in a way that will both resolve the issue and isn't rude. I do like these people and don't want to offend anyone. So here's the list:

- Not respecting the "about 10:00" end time. People think that "about 10:00" means midnight or later. Even if we start wrapping up and putting things away they remain parked on the couch talking. This happens even when we let them know that we have plans early the next morning and need to get to bed early or if we say that we need to end at a specific time.

- Bringing other people without asking. They RSVP to tell (not ask) us that they're bringing so-and-so friend, adult visitor from another country, etc. I'm not comfortable having total strangers in my home and the event is supposed to be a family event.

- Wandering all over my house and perusing my private things. We close doors to rooms that aren't prepared for guests (the master bedroom, our hobby rooms, etc. and people still end up going in there to change their clothes, talk privately, etc. I've even found people in my closets and cabinets checking out our private stuff.

- Not throwing away their trash. They'll eat and then set their plate, napkin, cup, etc. on the end tables or wherever and just leave them there. Trash can is six feet from where they're sitting.

- Complaints about food & requests for specific stuff. This one really gets to me. We provide everything (used to have it potluck style but it was INSANE - people signing up to bring main dishes or drinks then not showing up for three hours, people wanting to cook their dish from scratch in our kitchen) and people make comments like "going cheap this time, huh?" (that one happened one month we did cold-cuts & fruit instead of the normal full spread we put out because I was having some serious health issues and was exhausted) or "what? no bacon?" when we had burgers. We also have had folks ask us to provide specific items. "Can we have roast beef next time?" or "Can you get vanilla ice cream, too?" or "I don't like Coke. Get Pepsi."

- RSVP problems. No RSVP. Late RSVP. RSVP and then no-show. How the heck am I supposed to know how much food to have? My favorite was when we served filet mignon for everyone and my bro-in-law and his family didn't show up after they RSVP'd that they'd be there. That was a waste of money.

- Kids running amok. Kids are all over the house man-handling EVERYTHING. We don't have kids yet and our house isn't exactly child-proof. We do put away anything that CAN'T be touched by the little ones, but they really get into everything. Taking pictures off the walls, climbing on furniture with shoes on, throwing video game controllers... We can't dismantle our whole house every month to accommodate this. My husband and I get after them about it, but I get tired of always being the bad guy! And I wish they wouldn't bring their sick little ones so everyone else (including our elderly grandparents) can get what they have. If the kid is throwing up, they should probably stay home. And make sure that their 3-year old doesn't eat wasabi peas until he gets sick and ralphs all over our very expensive couch.

I know, I know - I want to see these people, but on my terms. I don't know what to say. These things feel downright inconsiderate to me and I'm afraid that if I bring them up people will be hurt. At the same time I don't want to keep dealing with these issues! Any help?

So much for keeping it short. But I feel better...
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Replies

  • afigueroa_pr
    afigueroa_pr Posts: 344
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    One simple solution...
    Relocate the get togethers to another house.

    I completely understand your situation. I honestly don't like to have that many people at my house. Usually its like 3-4 at the same time. It gets mad I tell you.
  • MorbidNTT
    MorbidNTT Posts: 43 Member
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    I would say the tell everyone all of that at your next meeting... Give it one more go, if it fails, scrap the whole thing. You're putting up with a lot.
  • bisky
    bisky Posts: 998 Member
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    I think the solution for this family get together is to have a picnic and meet in a park. Several of your problems will be solved and you can leave when you want to. In the winter months meet at a restaurant or indoor recreation facility. Good luck. I understand about relatives.
  • tdlsaint
    tdlsaint Posts: 51 Member
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    Take turns hosting at other's houses, or rent a local gathering place or restaurant , and have it catered.
  • ElyseL1
    ElyseL1 Posts: 504 Member
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    Can you count family as regular guests? And as for telling telling them to leave, I tend to tell my family, "i love you but get the F*** out i have to get up early tomorrow," or " I'm going to bed you can let yourself out". You can always ask them not to go into the rooms you dont want them too. And ask them if they know what a garbage can looks like. I suppose it just depends on what kind of dynamic you have with your family.
  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    i would not have it in the house, make everyone stay outside, especially those pesky kids!

    renting a hall is a great idea.
  • SLS553
    SLS553 Posts: 2
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    Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.
  • AmandaInGA
    AmandaInGA Posts: 122 Member
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    I think it sounds like it is time for other people to start hosting at their houses. It is not fair that it all seems to fall on you alone. Are they even helping with money for the food?
  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    also, you need to be assertive and stick up for yourself. its your house, you dictate the rules. yell at the kids. parents don't like it? too bad. being vocal just might do the trick. maybe people don't know you have rules! make people aware.
  • NikkiSixGuns
    NikkiSixGuns Posts: 630 Member
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    Good suggestions, all of them. I like the idea of rotating to different locations, even to a restaurant or something periodically.

    We did host it at a park once. Got complaints about it being too dirty. Hahahaha!

    Thanks all!
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I would seriously tell folks that it's time to start rotating amongst the family homes. Tell them you feel you've hogged the "hostess spotlight" long enough and want to give everyone the chance at sharing their inner "Martha Stewart". Either that, or you tell folks that there are some new considerations for them and just tell them like it is. Food's expensive. If you say your going to come, expect that I've spent $$$ to feed you. Unless it's an emergency, don't bail. 10:00 means 10:00. Not 10:15 or 10:30. Kids need to be minded so from now on they can play in the basement, family room, back yard. . .while we visit. Only trips to the bathroom outside those designated play areas. And, closed doors stay closed for a reason. Please respect that we do have private areas to the house. Heck, I'd even put a sign up that says "if the door's closed, that means you aren't invited in to that room." But, I'm not the world's best hostess either. . .some of that may ruffle some feathers, but they obviously don't mind ruffling your feathers now do they???
  • MaybeAMonkey
    MaybeAMonkey Posts: 247
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    Find a local park or picnic area, maybe something with a BBQ pit that you guys can use. Tell everyone that you love seeing them monthly, but you need a change of location and that you're no longer having the gathering at your house & everyone is to bring food for their own families and that they are responsible for picking up their own trash (you're not their parents, you don't need to always provide for everyone). Being outside gives the kids a place to run crazy, people will naturally start to leave as it gets dark, and you don't have to clean up after everyone. Problem solved.
  • aspen_matthews
    aspen_matthews Posts: 94
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    Take turns hosting at other's houses, or rent a local gathering place or restaurant , and have it catered.

    ^^this
  • FinallyFindingLisa
    FinallyFindingLisa Posts: 222 Member
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    WOW - whole lot of ugly there. Perhaps a suggestion that someone else host the gathering? Or cut them down to every few months. Our family get together (mom's family) is held about every 2-3 months and we do it at a centrally located restaurant. The check gets split (which is sometimes a bit unfair, but never drastically). This way everyone pays something and you can leave when you want. No money lost if those who say they're going to be there aren't and usually you can get an extra few chairs dragged over to your table for those that show that said they weren't going to.
  • ladyfox1979
    ladyfox1979 Posts: 405 Member
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    This is what I do when dealing with annoying guests/family

    I usually send a msg via Facebook and let them know that there is a get together at my home and empahsize family only, no addtl guests! and give them a time limit of when it starts and ends. I would say make it end at 9:00pm. After 9 tell them" I love you guys and I am not sure where you need to be but I know its not here, see you next time".

    As far as the rooms you don't want them entering. Get some locks or deadbolts.

    Move all breakables from common living spaces( Kitchen, living room).

    Have a spread where you have the papercups, plates and cutlery, Put a bin in the living room where everyone can see it.

    As for the food keep donig your potlucks and if they make specific requests tell them I'll make it but you gotta gove me money to purchase the ingredients and don't let them say they'll pay you back, get the money on the spot(this usually shuts them up)

    Bottom line if they don't respect your home then I say no more get togethers
  • Pimpmonkey
    Pimpmonkey Posts: 566
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    They'd act right, or they could host it at their place and see how they like it. Chnaces are they will change their attitutde!
  • Katahna
    Katahna Posts: 326 Member
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    You need to just be openly honest about it to the rest of your family, it's the only way to do it or else you're going to drive yourself crazy.
  • mondesa
    mondesa Posts: 61 Member
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    Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.

    THis is my suggestion... Along with going to a park or something. Even if you resolve this issues there will be more. Family tends to expect that can do whatever they want
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,134 Member
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    All the family reunions I went to were held at an Elks Lodge or American Legion hall. We also had potluck most of the time, but people were very good about bringing stuff.

    Don't have it at your house anymore. People don't listen, even if you put locks on doors.
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
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    Print this out and place it in a frame to set on the dinner table.

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