How do you move past the horrible comments
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Today I was reading about everyone’s most embarrassing fat moments. It made me think about growing up overweight.
I have been heavier since I can remember. I cannot forget the mean/negative things people have said to me.
When I was around 10 years old I overheard my brother (who was in high school at the time) talking to his girlfriend. He was telling her how fat his sister (me) was. Exact quote “no she is really big, trust me!”
My brother was on the fire department. I attended an event where the entire fire dept was to attend. Another member of the department came up to me and said “Oh, you’re the fat sister your brother talks about”
I remember being very young my mother said to me “you will never be small”
These are only a few. Some are worse, some are small things.
I remember all of these instances in complete detail. Where I was, what they said, how I felt… I can’t get over it.
How do you move forward from the past? How do you forgive people? How do you not let it affect who you are today? How do you accept the fact that people that are suppose to be there for you let you down completely – To your face and behind your back.
Just let them roll right off your back. people say ugly things like that to make themselves feel better. your beautiful dont let anyone tell you any different. kill 'em with kindness lol0 -
I know how you feel and sadly I have no advice to offer.
I am still trying to figure my similar situation out for myself.
The positive in my life are my wife and children! Their love and support has been immense and I am grateful every day!
I wish you the best on your journey through life!0 -
Today I was reading about everyone’s most embarrassing fat moments. It made me think about growing up overweight.
I have been heavier since I can remember. I cannot forget the mean/negative things people have said to me.
When I was around 10 years old I overheard my brother (who was in high school at the time) talking to his girlfriend. He was telling her how fat his sister (me) was. Exact quote “no she is really big, trust me!”
My brother was on the fire department. I attended an event where the entire fire dept was to attend. Another member of the department came up to me and said “Oh, you’re the fat sister your brother talks about”
I remember being very young my mother said to me “you will never be small”
These are only a few. Some are worse, some are small things.
I remember all of these instances in complete detail. Where I was, what they said, how I felt… I can’t get over it.
How do you move forward from the past? How do you forgive people? How do you not let it affect who you are today? How do you accept the fact that people that are suppose to be there for you let you down completely – To your face and behind your back.
And just remember that there are people (like me) who can't wait to be where you are today and accomplish that much!0 -
If its a close family member, like one of my sisters, I might talk to them about a comment hurt my feelings. My older sister insulted me a few times about my weight - we inherited very different builds and as a teenager I was the same size of her when I was12 and she was 17!
When I was in my early 20's I confronted her about her negative comments, and she apologized and has never ever made a comment about my weight. That was very healing to hear. My baby sister who is messed up in drugs and booze, says unkind things about my appearance all the time (even though I am signficantly thinner than her) but I know its coming from a frightened place and I feel very sorry for her. Unfortunately for her, it means that I don't want to spend time with her that much anymore. There really isn't enough time in life to spend it with people who try to make you feel bad. I really hope that your brother is the kind of person who can apologize and be kinder. Good luck!0 -
i've lost 67 pounds in the past two years and sent a bathing suit photo to my momz recently. first two piece i've worn since i was a toddler. momz says: maybe you should think about liposuction. bwah-ha-ha.
some ppl aren't trying to bring you down, they just have no filter.0 -
I use it as motivation when working out *punch punch kick!*0
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As a size 8 (5'6 tall) , I am constantly "teased" about my "child bearing hips" and "linebacker shoulders". I am not American and didn't even know what a linebacker was! The only compliment I ever got was someone who said I was a classic hourglass, and then followed it up by stating- "HEH- you look like a barbell!!"
Some people will always find something to knock.
1. Appreciate the people around you. If there is something you have appreciated about the people around you, say so. I have lost count of the amount of people in my life who complain all the time that no one is supportive of them, who have themselves not had a single nice thing to say about anybody. I am not implying you are like this, but that generally- the golden rule is a good thing.
2. If someone says something nice to you, look them in the eye and thank them like you mean it. Don't make a self-deprecating remark or wave off their compliment. People are being appreciative, and it is nice to respond like it made a difference.
3. Sometimes people rag to show affection and familiarity. If you believe that these people would stop if they knew they hurt you, tell them. A lot of people who have spent decades calling me "sumo wrestler" have stopped when I finally told them it is hurtful.
4. If they are jerks, they don't matter and don't be ruled by those whose sole purpose is to bring you down to make themselves look cool.0 -
i've lost 67 pounds in the past two years and sent a bathing suit photo to my momz recently. first two piece i've worn since i was a toddler. momz says: maybe you should think about liposuction. bwah-ha-ha.
some ppl aren't trying to bring you down, they just have no filter.
Haha. Good for you on your weight loss.
My mom also had a real gem recently: she said, "with all that exercise you're doing...I still don't understand..." and then she pats my saddlebags. I was like, THANKS MOM.0 -
Two weeks after I started getting serious about all this, I had a girl tell me that she thought it was hilarious how I was always working out and was still "fat as *kitten*"
1) I was 155lb and 5' 7'' at the time
2) I don't take that kind of bull****
So I cut her out of my life and have thus far lost 6lb in the past 7 weeks.
Honestly people like that are such losers. I just take solace in the fact that this particular girl is probably never going anywhere in life (she spent 10 minutes ranting to me about how going to school was the biggest waste of time - uh, okay, because full time fashion blogger on tumblr is a profession I want) and I'm already better off than she is (why is she so obsessed with me???)
You just take those comments and laugh about them and move on. Personally, I like to think that after weight training like I have been, I could kick her *kitten* in record time if I ever see her again.
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I didn't used to be overweight, but I was always "bigger". Especially compared to my friends who were all very petite. I am tall with a large, athletic frame--except I'm not athletic. I was never much of a looker, and I was always pretty awkward. I remember boys telling me I was the ugliest girl in school. I remember being called "Big Rebecca" by my best friend b/c she had another friend named Rebecca who was small, and she was "Little Rebecca". I also remember one of my other best friends calling me "the freakishly tall girl" (i'm 5'10"--hardly freakishly tall. but when you're 15, nothing sounds outrageous when it's about you). It was mortifying. I remember being told not to smile b/c my smile was ugly. I remember being told no one would ever want to date me. I remember the guy I liked telling my best friend that he thought I was nice, but definitely not pretty. I remember my brother not wanting to associate with me b/c I wasn't "cool enough" or "fit enough" or whatever garbage that was. Being a teenager REALLY sucks. And it really only got worse when I got to college and started gaining a lot of weight--because then I was the one who was meanest to myself.
The only thing I can say is that these are small minded people, who are probably pretty insecure themselves. Despite all the comments about my looks and my size, I still managed to get married to a wonderful guy.
As far as the comments to myself...Making the decision to get in shape and lose my excess weight has done wonders. Losing 50lbs has been empowering, and I'm now back to the size I was in hs when I was just "big" but not fat. But ya know what? I'm in shape. I'm a runner. My build fits me now because I've made it fit me. And it has done wonders for my confidence. I'm not big, I'm powerful. I'm not skinny or fat, I'm healthy and fit. Or at least getting there. But I had to separate myself from the people who made me feel bad about myself, and focus on being healthy. Once I removed myself from the people who made the comments to start with, I could focus on getting healthy and stop insulting myself as well. It's a process. The more weight you lose, the more in shape you get, the more confident you feel, and the less impact those nasty comments from others in your past (family included) will mean to you. Because you'll know that yes, maybe you were overweight at one point, maybe you were "weak" or "out of shape", but you are strong now, you are powerful, you are healthy and next time those people who insulted you see you, they'll be speechless at how far you've come. I have to say, as soon as I decided that losing weight was more about getting in shape and being strong, the more confident in myself I felt. I just ran a 5k, the first one I've ever run, and I"ve never felt better than I did after that race. I felt strong, confident, healthy and even though I didn't come in first, I felt like I had because no one had ever dreamed I would, or could do something like that. My goal was to prove everyone wrong, that the clumsy, awkward, "big" girl, could be strong, powerful and healthy. Chin up! Surround yourself with people who encourage you and the small people of your past will fade away.
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I understand how those horrible words cut you. I still remember things people said years ago, even though they were never true - or really never meant to hurt. It's hard to let go. But remember, you are in control of you. I sometimes tell myself, "let it roll" as in, roll off my back. Make yourself think of positive things you have done or people have said. People who would say such hateful things are usually not worth caring that much about. That your brother and your mother said such things to you is very sad. But you can be a better person than they are. :flowerforyou:0
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I think a lot of people judge from their own insecurities. I think the first step for dealing with ugly comments from family members is to tell them how their comments make you feel. To fix the problem they need to know there is a problem.0
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I am still working this issue. I like the forgive them you forgive yourself, way positive. However, I just turned it into an ED. Which is a daily battle, for ohhhh 34 yrs now. With the help of MFP and my friends I am doing a damn fine job. Those people who made the rude remarks are now dealing with their own issues. :yawn:0
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I am seriously shocked and actually horrified that some of your own mothers would say some of these things to you. I could never, ever imagine my mother or father or even my skinny sisters(which I have two of those as well) saying such hurtful things to me or to anyone else that they love with a weight problem.
I am so sorry that people that love you have said these things to you,. I can imagine how hard it would be to "forgive and forget"....
Just keep up the good work and remember that YOU will have the last laugh...0 -
I always remember that when people feel the need to tear other people down, it's because they feel insecure themselves. So I end up feeling sorry for them, and I don't really care what anyone thinks about how I look. Knowing I am a good person, that's all that matters to me. When I'm old and wrinkly, they won't be commenting on my beauty, they will be commenting on my personality anyway. The only person I ever aim to please is ME.0
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I have also started a list of all the positive things people say to me, Here at home and in MFP. It helps alot.0
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I've always thought that if people say careless, hurtful things to me or others, they must be wretched, self-loathing, losers...not worth anyone's time or memory. Who would you rather affect you: a self-loathing loser who puts you down, or someone who's compassionate and successful and gives you constructive criticism and positive recognition? I completely understand how hurtful comments can be and how we can hold on to them for years, often even more tightly than compliments, but the choice is yours -- it's up to you whether you'll continue to let losers affect you. Cheers.0
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Some of things I am reading here break my heart! I can't imagine hearing that from anyone, let alone someone I cared about. I did grow up hearing my mom say "you're such a pretty girl, if only you could lose some weight..." No one ever used mean words like fat or ugly though...but it does still hurt. I do remember thinking my mom HAD to be a bit crazy though, because I was ****ing awesome and how could she not see that?? LOL
I think most people get away with saying hurtful things because no one ever calls them on their behavior and they don't learn the repercussions of their actions. Someone says something mean and you basically just go away, sad and hurt. I taught my daughters to call people out on their behavior, right then and there. I answer every insult with something along the lines of "I feel so bad for you! To have such low self-esteem that you need to insult me as a way to make yourself feel better..." You can change the words to fit the situation but it always boils down to the same thing: they DO feel bad about themselves, they are cowards and/or bullies and you expressing genuine concern that THEY are the hurting ones just pisses them off and shuts them up. If they keep insulting you, just keep it up. Say "ugh, it just breaks my heart, how much you hurt..."and walk away, shaking your head...I would never let on that it did actually hurt you, always turn it around to concern for them so it looks obvious that the words didn't even register with you, them being so ridiculous and all! When you make it appear that the words they use have no impact on you, as if the don't even exist, they lose their power, over time. They should eventually stop commenting because they see it is useless.
Dealing with the words, privately, is easier. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Another commenter said it earlier and it is one of my most repeated phrases to my kids. Another great one is "what other people think about you is none of your business."
Put your energies into things that make YOU FEEL AWESOME and there won't be any left for feeling hurt by their words.0 -
The things your family says tend to stick in your head, as do the things you hear at school when you're young. I remember being very young, maybe first or second or something like that, and there was a girl on the buss who used to call me 'piggy' all the time. It's absurd, looking back, because not only was I so young, but the girl herself wasn't exactly the skinniest out there. She was older than me, and of course now as an adult I realize that it's very likely she had insecurities of her own and was taking them out on me, but that just stuck with me. I'll never forget the shame I felt, and how I wished I could just disappear. I think often people who are 'emotional eaters' like myself are people who internalize things, and that's what makes it so hard for us to let go of all of it.
It took me many, many years to start letting go of my insecurities. Belly dance has helped immensely (I can't even begin to tell you how supportive the community is of women of all shapes and sizes), and I found that I had to address those mental issues before I could begin to tackle the physical.0 -
THISWhen I was a child, I cried when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a teenager, I ate more when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was of age, I drank when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a middle aged adult, I blamed other people for not valuing who I REALLY was. That didn't work.
When I turned 46, I got my as* off the couch and stopped crying, drinking, overeating and blaming others. It's working! :happy:
instead of wasting time feeling bad and thinking about other people's opinions about one aspect of your being, spend that time getting fit and healthy, and it will all sort itself out.
No one has ever said, "good things come to those who make themselves feel powerless."
Good things come to those who work their butts off and never give up!0
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