Would you ever date someone with facial disfigurement?
TheMiddlePath
Posts: 230 Member
in Chit-Chat
I recently met a really lovely guy and I'm pretty sure he was born with this facial disfigurement. At first glance, it looks like one cheek is kinda swollen - maybe from getting your wisdom teeth pulled - but then you see that it's likely a birth defect.
He is 28, a Cordon Bleu trained chef, has great style, and like I said - really lovely - great conversationalist - super smart and fun.
I am going out on a date with him tonight.
The weird thing is that I've always kinda considered myself to be superficial when it comes to the opposite sex's appearance. Sadly, I've dated cute guys that maybe had other issues...I mean who doesn't. But saying yes to him has taken me by surprise and I'd love to hear from anyone who has, who hasn't, who would, who wouldn't...just your thoughts.
I had a friend tell me he thinks that I'm afraid of what people may think of me - which has me thinking - but not sure if that applies. I mean - it's not me - it's him - but yeah - maybe people would judge me too. I don't know.
Like I said, your thoughts and insights are appreciated.
He is 28, a Cordon Bleu trained chef, has great style, and like I said - really lovely - great conversationalist - super smart and fun.
I am going out on a date with him tonight.
The weird thing is that I've always kinda considered myself to be superficial when it comes to the opposite sex's appearance. Sadly, I've dated cute guys that maybe had other issues...I mean who doesn't. But saying yes to him has taken me by surprise and I'd love to hear from anyone who has, who hasn't, who would, who wouldn't...just your thoughts.
I had a friend tell me he thinks that I'm afraid of what people may think of me - which has me thinking - but not sure if that applies. I mean - it's not me - it's him - but yeah - maybe people would judge me too. I don't know.
Like I said, your thoughts and insights are appreciated.
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Replies
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I haven't but I would if I was drawn to them. The fact that you said yes because of the great qualities he has, rather than because you thought you couldn't stay no, speaks volumes and I would just go out and have fun.
It may or may work out and if it does I bet you no longer even notice the swollen cheek.
As for others, who gives a f*#k what they think about it anyway, right?
Have a great night!0 -
I would. Although, I'll admit they would have to be more interesting and a better person than someone w/o the facial disfigurement.0
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I guess I'm just surprised that this would even be a question. It doesn't sound like he's John Merrick and even then if he has the qualities you desire does it really matter?0
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i would . its personality and whats on the inside that counts the most.0
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Beauty fades. If he outshines in other areas that is a bonus. Get to know him and see where it goes...no pressure. Enjoy it!0
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If I'm drawn to a guy, I don't care about disfigurement. If he has a desired personality, treats me right, and is all around a respectful guy and we click, then it shouldn't matter if he doesn't look "perfect" to the rest of the world. People can think what they want, but if he's "the one" then let them talk. It shouldn't matter.0
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That question is amazing , and why in net ? I think its a heartless question and very shallow, if i was the guy i wouldnt date you0
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My husband has severe skin issues, when it flares up people properly stare at him, people make comments to his face. It sucks. I love him anyway.0
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I have been with my husband for almost 8 years (married a little over a year) and he has a birth defect. He was born with cerebral palsy. His right arm can't extend all the way and his fingers spasm/move all the time when he is awake. When I first met him I wasn't sure about the whole thing. I got to know him and 8 years and 2 kids later here we are. My point is, if he's a nice guy and you are interested in him give him a chance. Could be the best decision you ever make
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attraction is all to do with the inner person being nice looking is only a part, if someone is nice to you , you will end up finding them attractive imo, Its human nature Go have fun and forget about his little problemI recently met a really lovely guy and I'm pretty sure he was born with this facial disfigurement. At first glance, it looks like one cheek is kinda swollen - maybe from getting your wisdom teeth pulled - but then you see that it's likely a birth defect.
He is 28, a Cordon Bleu trained chef, has great style, and like I said - really lovely - great conversationalist - super smart and fun.
I am going out on a date with him tonight.
The weird thing is that I've always kinda considered myself to be superficial when it comes to the opposite sex's appearance. Sadly, I've dated cute guys that maybe had other issues...I mean who doesn't. But saying yes to him has taken me by surprise and I'd love to hear from anyone who has, who hasn't, who would, who wouldn't...just your thoughts.
I had a friend tell me he thinks that I'm afraid of what people may think of me - which has me thinking - but not sure if that applies. I mean - it's not me - it's him - but yeah - maybe people would judge me too. I don't know.
Like I said, your thoughts and insights are appreciated.0 -
Here's the thing:
Externals are going to fade with age anyway... nothing against those who are older but we will never stay looking like we do now.
So, with externals being so temporal, why not? It's not like it's really HIM who is disfigured. It's his shell. I would hope that no one would avoid being my friend because of my external imperfections... and love is so much deeper than regular friendship that stuff you would never have found attractive before becomes beautiful to you in a new way.
When you join a relationship for the long haul, there's always the chance a great accident could happen or sickness could come and the beautiful exterior of someone could be changed. I'm married to a firefighter. At any point, something could happen to him, and he could be burned and/or maimed as a result of his service. The question of whether or not I love him should not change by the outside of his body or the look of his face. He is still the man I loved when I married him and will remain that even with a mangled body.0 -
I guess I'm just surprised that this would even be a question. It doesn't sound like he's John Merrick and even then if he has the qualities you desire does it really matter?
^^ This. Some people look better on the inside than most do on the outside.0 -
I dated (and almost married) someone for 5 years with an eye that always drifted out of alignment. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch as long as I really liked the person.0
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That question is amazing , and why in net ? I think its a heartless question and very shallow, if i was the guy i wouldnt date you
QFT. And thanks to people like OP, he has been a baseline of always "that guy with the disfigured face." She doesn't mention chef or intelligent first, it's his flaw.0 -
Of course I would. If I like someone I want to spend time with them.
I don't entirely understand your point of view. You sound like you need approval to go out with someone you like, which is bizarre to me.0 -
That question is amazing , and why in net ? I think its a heartless question and very shallow, if i was the guy i wouldnt date you
Harsh much? Pretending that physical attraction doesn't matter is naive. Some people just can't get passed that sort of thing. Does it make them a little shallow? Sure, but that doesn't make them an awful person.
As for myself, if I was drawn to them, I wouldn't have a problem. Pretty is as pretty does, as my grandfather always said.0 -
Before I met my husband, I dated a wonderful guy who happened to have cerebral palsy. He had a limp and an atrophied left hand. He was a truly great guy, though, and aside from me getting used to how to treat things like opening doors, walking long distances, etc., it never bothered me at all. I really liked him, and like i said, he was a wonderful person. I never even noticed his disability after a while.
It didn't work out with him, but it certainly wasn't because of his condition. I suspect you'll feel the same if this guy is as great as you think he is!
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thats disgusting behavoir, no one has the right to do that to anyone. F them thats what I say. You love him and thats all that matters.My husband has severe skin issues, when it flares up people properly stare at him, people make comments to his face. It sucks. I love him anyway.0 -
How shallow does it make me to say "probably not?" While personality and everything else is obviously important there still has to be SOME attraction there for me, and there's a good chance that this would effect the attraction.0
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I have been with my husband for almost 8 years (married a little over a year) and he has a birth defect. He was born with cerebral palsy. His right arm can't extend all the way and his fingers spasm/move all the time when he is awake. When I first met him I wasn't sure about the whole thing. I got to know him and 8 years and 2 kids later here we are. My point is, if he's a nice guy and you are interested in him give him a chance. Could be the best decision you ever make
I hope i didn't date your husband before you married him! LOL (see my response to the OP... lol!)0 -
You are surprisd by your reaction?
WOW, he deserves SO much better than you.0 -
What if something happened to you, and took away your beauty? Would you want to be shunned because of your looks? Too many skin-deep people anymore... hope you don't judge the man by his looks, instead of his content.0
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My last ex boyfriend had treacher collins syndrome, but that never changed how I felt about him. Like you, I was always quite superficial, apart from mark the only boys I had ever dated were boys who were on the football team, the 'hot' popular guys lol. I don't know when I met mark, something changed inside of me, we clicked instantly and I loved him for who he was. I still love him, and I would get back with him if he promised to treat me better. I didn't care what my friends and family thought, everyone was saying I could do better but they didn't really know him. My point is, I understand why you're confused, I didn't understand why I liked him but if you have a connection and you are attracted to him, then you never know what could happen.0
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I have always been attracted to men who aren't considered "good looking" by society standard. So I can't really give you any advice or anything. It's not that I go out looking for them. Their personalities just really attract me. They become good looking once I get to know them.
I've had a lot of really bad experiences with good looking men. The ones I met, personally, did not have a very good personality. I guess they think their good looks give them a free pass to not be such a nice person.0 -
Most definitely I would. The attraction for me is more personality than looks.
If a guy is a jerk, it doesn't matter if he's pretty when his mouth is shut.0 -
For me it might depend on whether or not it's a genetic defect and whether or not the person was open to adoption. If it's not genetic, I wouldn't rule a person out if every other aspect is great and the disfigurement doesn't gross me out. However, if it is genetic and the person isn't open to adoption, I'd say no. I want to make sure my kids have the best possible life, and that includes not giving them known heritable diseases or defects. Life can be hard enough as it is, I'm not going to set them up with difficulties right from the start, you know?0
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To the OP, when I first read this post I was thinking that maybe you were very young, then I checked your profile that you are 39!
I think you should take a long hard look at yourself if you are worrying about flaws in other people at your age! I am not saying that you are not pretty or anything ike that, but, I think as we get older and experience more of life then we should get wiser and lose some of the supeficial traits that we had when we were younger.
Bottom line, if you are going to see him as a guy with a disfigured face then move on...if you are going to see him as a great guy who you have an attraction to, then go for it!0 -
I have been with my husband for almost 8 years (married a little over a year) and he has a birth defect. He was born with cerebral palsy. His right arm can't extend all the way and his fingers spasm/move all the time when he is awake. When I first met him I wasn't sure about the whole thing. I got to know him and 8 years and 2 kids later here we are. My point is, if he's a nice guy and you are interested in him give him a chance. Could be the best decision you ever make
I hope i didn't date your husband before you married him! LOL (see my response to the OP... lol!)
lol nope his is his right
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My ex-boyfriend got burned in his neck and had a big scar in his neck. It isn't really his face, but you did see it. I really didn't care about it and all of the people we knew didn't care. I guess if you like the person enough, it isn't important, as long as you feel good when you're with them.0
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He sounds great. And I agree, he deserves better.
With all those good qualities, a small defect shouldn't detract a person.0
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