Scared to get back in the dating scene

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  • ohnuts14
    ohnuts14 Posts: 197
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    I understand being insecure because of your weight, as much as we try to accept and love ourselves, it's a lot easier said than done. But, we always have to try. Weight loss is not something you do to attract someone. That motivation won't stick. If you meet the right person, they'll like you for who you are. If you want to lose weight, you have to do it because you WANT to lose weight, for you, not for some guy you don't even know yet. You do what you need to do, but guys will like you for who you are. Trust me, I'm 270 lbs and attracting guys has not been an issue for me, :P not now and not when I was over 300. I am insecure, about my body, and about how I look, but I also always remind myself that my looks are only one small part of who I am, and there's much more to me than that. Any guy who has taken the time to get to know me a little has been able to see past my weight, and any guy who gets to know you will like you even if you have a few extra pounds. Part of me, of course, does want to lose weight because I feel I'd be happier with how I look, it's normal. We all want to look better, that's just our nature. It's just not the most important reason. When we want to loook better, even though we think we're doing it for ourselves, and of course it partly is, it's also kind of more for other people, so if it's the ONLY reason, it's very easy to get discouraged. I do want to look better, but I want to lose weight because it will better my life, and life is short, and enjoying my life to the fullest means being healthy, physically capable of doing all of the things I can't that I've always wanted to, and not letting my weight hold me back from anything. You can definitely do this, but do it for you, babe.
  • ohnuts14
    ohnuts14 Posts: 197
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    Forget about the single scene. Think about your interests/hobbies etc and get involved in college clubs and activities that you would enjoy. Even try out some activities that have always interested you but you have never tried before. The beginning of the school year is the perfect time to try out new things and new clubs on campus because there will be plenty of others open for new friendships as well. Enjoy!

    This. <3 I always found that after a break up, I liked doing things on my own for a while, getting involved in new activities, in clubs, and just doing things for me -- like learning a new language, picking up a new hobby, learning something I've been wanting to learn. Break ups are really really hard, but provide a unique experience to discover new things about yourself. You don't have to force the dating scene. It can be pretty rough, and heart-achey, especially when you're fresh out of a relationship, so you have the right idea in wanting to take it slow. Sometimes getting involved in your community, in school, in clubs and other activities will usually provide that potential as well, and in a much more comfortable, personable environment. :)
  • Ekoria
    Ekoria Posts: 262 Member
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Ouch that does sound pretty judgemental. I know plenty of people (myself included) that become "comfortable/complacent" in a relationship. It's pretty easy to put on some extra weight, or maybe forget to shave your legs every day I don't know that it warrants some one saying "Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend". Surely it's a good thing to an extent? It shows how comfortable you are with the person you have chosen to be with. I see it that the more comfortable you are with your partner the less likely you are to feel that you have to keep yourself in tip top condition to ensure your other half doesn't run away?

    Any way that aside to the OP: I think you have to be selfish right now. I know it is so hard when it feels like your whole world has been changed, it's hard to remember how to act as some one on their own. As some one else said above you seem to be in a really strong position to make the best of the situation, if you have just started college seize the opportunity to do something you maybe didn't have time to do before because you were with your boyfriend. Throw yourself into a sport that your interested in and that way you can work on your weight loss,build confidence and make some new friends. When you are confident and happy the right person will come along, you are a beautiful girl and have all the time in the world to find someone who deserves you.

    Feel free to add me if you want to chat x
  • Ekoria
    Ekoria Posts: 262 Member
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    an old french song and the lyrics are translated in english of course, i love you, i loved you and i'll always love you. I remember telling this to a boyfriend years ago, he had very bad self esteem. And I needed him to know that whatever the past was he was loved, I currently loved him, and no matter what he did in the future I would love him. Sometimes, I think I could apply this to myself, perhaps you could too? Good luck!

    ^This is lovely
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,012 Member
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    you're cute. You'll be fine. That said....Take this time to do what you need to do for you. Work out.......eat right......get to be happy with yourself and then maybe you can be happy with someone else. I firmly believe if you aren't happy with yourself you won't be truly happy with anyone.
  • gioisa75
    gioisa75 Posts: 242 Member
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    It's a good time just to focus on yourself.
  • HotAshMess
    HotAshMess Posts: 382 Member
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    Gotta find the love for yourself hun. The thing I realized the last time I was single was....I wasn't treating myself the way I wanted to be treated by someone else. You might not be feeling the best right now....the best place to start is to love yourself unconditionally, treat yourself like a princess and like someone you would want to be with. Now is when you can be selfish and take the time to do the things you like, explore new things, find some new hobbies and be selfish with your mind space and your time. You'll get "back out there" when you're ready!!
  • Trechechus
    Trechechus Posts: 2,819 Member
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    Take some time to be you. I went through a breakup a few months ago, and have finally started getting back to me, and to be honest, I prefer this version of me to the version of me that was trapped in a going-nowhere BS relationship.

    It takes time. No one is asking you to jump back into the dating scene right away. When you stop looking, the right man will come to you.
  • Trechechus
    Trechechus Posts: 2,819 Member
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    you're cute. You'll be fine. That said....Take this time to do what you need to do for you. Work out.......eat right......get to be happy with yourself and then maybe you can be happy with someone else. I firmly believe if you aren't happy with yourself you won't be truly happy with anyone.

    This, too
  • juscallmeb
    juscallmeb Posts: 369 Member
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    My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

    I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

    The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

    And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

    So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

    FIRST off, you need some time to rediscover yourself, especially after two years with someone. Otherwise, you'll carry your past into your future. So I'm glad you recognize that!
    SECONDLY, do not be afraid of dating and not being perfect. I am, by no means, near my goal weight, but I put myself out there and found an awesome guy. Trying never hurt anyone!

    Good luck!

    love this! :) thank you
    i needed that reminder myself ;)


    I agree. you should also put yourself first and focus on you. lose the weight for you and be happy with yourself. You're in college - you don't "Have to Have" a boyfriend or be in a relationship... make it the best years of your life. you're young, single and take in all the amazing moments.

    if you are not happy with yourself, you won't be happy with anyone. :)
  • juscallmeb
    juscallmeb Posts: 369 Member
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    Thank you for all the replies. They are exactly what I needed to hear. I guess after trying to make someone else happy for two years, I have forgotten how to make myself happy and live my life for me.

    I used to be a strong, confident woman. And this relationship took a bit of that away from me. I guess by focusing on myself, I can find that again.

    It's just so scary! :frown:

    it seems scary - because it's different. but fear not.
    as you said - you were busy making someone else happy for the past 2 years, you got comfortable doing that, (I was the same way in a past relationship). but with every relationship and breakup - it's an experience and you learn.
    you fnd out what you want and dont want in a relationship.... also keep in mind -don't change who you are for some guy. Be that STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN! i'm sure in your future you will meet many men who find that in itself attracting! ;)
    be you and love you. :)
  • ohnuts14
    ohnuts14 Posts: 197
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Well, usually people meet someone who loves them for who they are, and not so much for how they look.
  • Ekoria
    Ekoria Posts: 262 Member
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Well, usually people meet someone who loves them for who they are, and not so much for how they look.


    ^This was exactly what I thought :/
  • ChrisRS87
    ChrisRS87 Posts: 781 Member
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Well, usually people meet someone who loves them for who they are, and not so much for how they look.


    ^This was exactly what I thought :/

    I set high standards for myself, I don't think its unfair to hold my partner to those standards. The same character traits I am attracted to are closely related to the ones that drive someone to stay in good shape. A slip in appearance is just the surface of the underlying problem.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    I would give yourself some time. I'm sure guys will take notice of your new single status and start asking you out in a few weeks, but don't rush into anything. In my opinion, it's best to say no and fall in love with yourself again first!
  • CaraColleen
    CaraColleen Posts: 110 Member
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Well, usually people meet someone who loves them for who they are, and not so much for how they look.




    ^This was exactly what I thought :/

    I set high standards for myself, I don't think its unfair to hold my partner to those standards. The same character traits I am attracted to are closely related to the ones that drive someone to stay in good shape. A slip in appearance is just the surface of the underlying problem.

    Yeah, this is totally off topic and was in no reason why I broke up with him. (Yes, I broke up with him because we were in different places in our lives.) But we all are looking for different things, and it's just a personal preference.
  • Ekoria
    Ekoria Posts: 262 Member
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    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    Well, usually people meet someone who loves them for who they are, and not so much for how they look.


    ^This was exactly what I thought :/

    I set high standards for myself, I don't think its unfair to hold my partner to those standards. The same character traits I am attracted to are closely related to the ones that drive someone to stay in good shape. A slip in appearance is just the surface of the underlying problem.

    ^ Woah I am out. My mum taught me "If you don't have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all"

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