husband stressing me over food
ladyark
Posts: 1,101 Member
I guess i just want to vent a bit....I am working very hard to eat better. My husband wants the easy way. Doesent want to learn to prepare meals or take the time to prepare them or research them etc. I have been working fulltime, going to the gym, zumba 3xs a week, plus the household chores etc. I like to make my food log the night before so i am not just grabbing anything....i am prepared. He said whats for dinner tommorow and i said i get home at 740pm and i am having salad for dinner...he says....Oh Thanks . I am tired of him feeling like i have to be the only one cooking since he refuses to try and i refuse to cook the garbage he likes. I just blew up at him for it and he said well if i have to deal with my own dinner im just going to keep eating crap since its easier.
I really dont care what he eats anymore. I cant keep worrying and being responsable for his health when i am trying to do the best for myself. He only gives it a half assed try anyway. For me you either want it or you dont. You do it or you dont.....i dont beleive in the word TRY. That gives you too much leeway to quit or slack.
Example...i am losing weight, not i am going to try to lose weight.
I will exercise..not i will try to go today
Ok im done and thanks for letting me vent.....its hard when one is doing and one is not
I really dont care what he eats anymore. I cant keep worrying and being responsable for his health when i am trying to do the best for myself. He only gives it a half assed try anyway. For me you either want it or you dont. You do it or you dont.....i dont beleive in the word TRY. That gives you too much leeway to quit or slack.
Example...i am losing weight, not i am going to try to lose weight.
I will exercise..not i will try to go today
Ok im done and thanks for letting me vent.....its hard when one is doing and one is not
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Replies
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What ever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!! Once he sees that changes in you, he will eventually get on board. It might take what seems like forever, but he will eventually come around especially when he sees how happy you are.
When I first started trying to lose, I joined Weight Watchers. My hubby started complaining that I was spending too much time on the computer logging my food and exercise. He then started finding reasons for me to not go to the meetings. I eventually quit and gained all the weight back that I had lost. That was almost two years ago.
This summer, he started seeing how unhappy I was and how much I really wanted to start losing again. He's also began to realize how much his weight is affecting his quality of life. While he's just starting the whole process that I have been attempting for a few years, he's much more supportive this time. I have been having motivation problems logging my food every day and exercising. This time, he's nagging me about NOT doing it and how he does not want me to give up. He's even started watching weight loss shows with me.
As far as dinner goes, my suggestion would be to include him in the decision as to what to have. Let him have some crappy choices to go along with healthy choices in the same dinner. You eat the good part only. Also, try to find healthy ways to make things he likes. There are a plethera of recipes online to help with this. Here is a typical dinner my hubby likes and how I alter it for me.
Chicken Sandwich
Macaroni and Cheese
Oven French Fries
I eat the chicken patty only and omit the bun and mayo
Eat only one serving of french fries and weigh it to be exact
Add a vegetalbe of my choice. Usually a Steamfresh product and save the rest for lunch the next day.
Skip the mac and cheese.
Hope this helps.0 -
Mine is a bit of a pain like that too.
He likes to belittle my efforts or roll his eyes like 'Okay, she's at it again. How long until failure'. It has gotten to the point I stopped telling him what I was doing....and it's worked.
I've managed to quit smoking and I'll prepare my meals and he eats with the kids. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the kitchen is.
He doesn't struggle to lose when he gains and his job is very physical anyway.
Whenever he opens his mouth regarding the smoking or the weightloss now, I just tell him to shut it I don't want to hear it because it usually isn't helpful. He's starting to learn his lesson and realise I'm serious, to the point that we are now getting gym memberships.
I think he now sees that line that he is forbidden to cross and god help him if he does!! I'm getting old and grumpy!0 -
Honestly, Your on the right track. You have already stood your ground and told him how you feel. Thankfully I finally have a good man who supports my decisions and would never ever belittle me..My ex however well he had the same attitude your husband did and I showed him the door..(Not the only reason) To me it just sounds like he is lazy and eventually he will get on board.. and if he dosen't well its your life..bottom line you need to do what is best for you and your children..with or without his support. You sound like a strong woman..keep up the good work!0
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Mine asks for my input on food choices, then ignores me. Like tonight he wants pizza, so I go and check out the easiest (as in the one I'm least likely to regret), and then he gets these god awful breaded wings anyway and is all puupy eyed about not eating them alone. I can fit all that crap into my calorie goal, but seriuosly why did he bother?
Guess I wanted to rant too.:devil:0 -
This is your journey, and is about your health and will to be a stronger person if every aspect. My hubby is much the same, refuses to cook for himself...he won't even microwave something and would rather go without than have to do it himself! He is diabetic, but doesn't care and refuses to change his eating habits; at his health review yesterday, he had lost 14lbs since last check up (approx 10 months) and sneered at me that he doesn't even have to try...
Concentrate on yourself, and your own goals and hopefully (as with my hubby too) they will eventually realise we are serious about this, and will try to be more supportive, and eventually look at their own lifestyle. We can't force them to take part, only hope they can see its not just about being smaller; it's about living...
Keep up your amazing journey xx0 -
I'm not marry but I used to live with my ex-fiancé who was extremely fit and he would always tell me staying healthy is easy you just have to eat good and exercise... I was like well if it was so easy everyone will be fit!! Hello!! Having someone who is healthy as a partner can also be very tough. I used to kill myself eating healthy all day, logging my food, go home and cook and then he would sit with me on the couch with a big bowl of ice cream after dinner. I was like this is so not helping me and motivating me to eat healthy when you’re sitting in front of me eating cookies and ice cream. He would tell me well you can eat ice cream if you work out every day... to say the least it was extremely frustrated... I used to tell him you eating ice cream in front of me and having the ability of burning this off so quickly is like you knowing that I was a drug addict and you doing drugs for fun in front of me when you know I have an addictive personality. After so many fights I refused to get healthy (which was so silly of me) and started gaining weight back just to prove a point and letting him know how not supportive he was being... I internalized everything instead of fighting for what I really wanted which is getting healthy for myself. Continue to educate yourself in living a better life for you, be good to your body and continue this amazing journey… you will inspire many people (including your hubby) feeling great is contagious!! One thing that has helped me is to be around positive people and also being around with people with the same mindset as you… your hubby just might be a little jealous on how amazing your doing and the strength and will-power you are showing…trust me he will change his ways… just be patient and do not give up!! :O) ps. Be very proud for every step you take in this journey…0
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I am sorry that hubby is not being helpful... or rather.. being very unhelpful.
Is he perhaps afraid that when you loose the weight, you will be too attractive for him? That he worries that you will be so much more attractive to more other men? I know it is silly, but this is men we are talking about
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Good for you for sticking to your guns, and depending on what kind of man he is/relationship you two have, find a way to tell him you are doing this to stay healthy so you can enjoy a longer life with HIM, not anything else.
Not sure he'd believe you but if you tell him often enough, maybe it will seep into that brain...?
Hang in there - all of you with hubbies like that!!0 -
Thank you all so much for the advice and support. It meant alot to be able to see that it will be okay. I will just have to sit down with him and come up with a plan for the nights i am not doing a meal. I thought about it alot last night and i think he will always take the easy way out and be inconsistent. ( its a pattern ive seen too long). He made a comment once that he liked me better when i was fat. ( because he didnt have the energy i did to go do things etc and i rarely spend time on the couch anymore). He is about 360 and diabetic but i just refuse to make his health my priority any longer. So, going forward i will be quiet to him regarding his choices and live and enjoy mine.
Thanks again so much
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I think he might be afraid to lose you. If you lose all the weight, maybe he thinks you won't stick around. so he could be intentionally (but maybe not knowingly) sabotaging you. Since you are on this journey and serious about it, it is up to you to look out for #1. Maybe he will be ready to make a change at some point, but not now. I know that no matter how much I wanted to lose weight, I couldn't do it until I came into my own epiphany. I don't have the exact situation, but my boyfriend is skinnier than me and doesn't need to lose weight, I do. I am in charge of all the cooking and he likes to eat out a lot. I just go with the flow and just plan and count calories. If he doesn't like what I cook, I tell him don't eat it, you're on your own. Maybe I didn't help, but I know the frustration of feeling like you're on your own.0
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Sweetie, he's an adult and as much as it hurts us to see our husbands not eating right and not getting any execise the final choice has to be theirs. I had a heart to heart with mine and he wants no part of a salad or any veggies that aren't loaded with salt and butter. His favorite is hot dogs, hot dogs, hot dogs! Hopeful one day before the rooster crowes he'll see the light. Shoot I can't even get him to go to the dr for blood work. It's because his afraid to get his results back. Sorry your husband is dealing with diabeties but at this point all you can do is set an good example and hope one day he'll catch on. Good luck in your journey!0
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An unsupportive (or even sabotaging) spouse is a real challenge. Take it from one who knows, this can generate as much resentment as anything else in a relationship. I am well supported now, but was not during my first marriage.
In your profile, I find it telling that you dated the beginning of your weight gain to the beginning of your marriage.
If I may offer some advice, perhaps you should view this as a challenge; one more obstacle to push against. No need to view this as a reason to give up..
Also, keep the communication open. All the things you have told us here should be told to him, and re-told. For some reason, he is not taking you seriously. I think your continued success may change that, but also keep reminding him of your goals.
Good luck.0 -
This is purely hypothetical (as my husband is lucky to find the effing kitchen), but if I asked my spouse what was for dinner and he said "I'm having salad" I'd be a little put off too. I would feel like I was being excluded unnecessarily. In similar situations I always say "I am *making* salad." He is free to eat salad, or he is free to make himself a sandwich, eat something frozen, eat peanut butter straight from the jar, etc.--I don't care. At home (where I can control *everything* that goes into my food) my diet is completely vegan. I refuse to cook meat, I will sometimes make *him* eggs or something containing cheese, if it's easy or I'm feeling nice. In general, if my husband doesn't want to cook, he eats the healthy, vegan food that I cook, or he finds something else. I will often accommodate his requests for healthy vegan foods he likes, but that is as far as I go. He is not a child, what he puts into his body (or not) is not my responsibility, and as the one who cooks, I get to choose what we eat. End. Of. Story.0
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I think he might be afraid to lose you. If you lose all the weight, maybe he thinks you won't stick around. so he could be intentionally (but maybe not knowingly) sabotaging you. Since you are on this journey and serious about it, it is up to you to look out for #1. Maybe he will be ready to make a change at some point, but not now. I know that no matter how much I wanted to lose weight, I couldn't do it until I came into my own epiphany. I don't have the exact situation, but my boyfriend is skinnier than me and doesn't need to lose weight, I do. I am in charge of all the cooking and he likes to eat out a lot. I just go with the flow and just plan and count calories. If he doesn't like what I cook, I tell him don't eat it, you're on your own. Maybe I didn't help, but I know the frustration of feeling like you're on your own.
This.
As a spouse on the opposite side of this situation, I can say that my behavior towards sabotauging my husband's efforts is insecurity on my part. I'm terrified of him leaving me if he loses weight. I know it's irrational, but the fear is there regardless. I'm working really hard on the insecurity thing and have really just started to focus on my weight which has helped immensely. Before I just had so many mental hang-ups towards eating that I hadn't dealt with yet and so I went into panic mode when my husband started losing weight. My rational mind firmly believes that he won't leave me just because he got fitter quicker, but if he does then he probably isn't the type of person I thought I married anyway.0 -
Sounds to me like he wants a servant. Just tell him what you're preparing for you. He has two choices eat it or leave it.
As mentioned above, once he sees the changes in you he'll soon come on board.0 -
i know how you feel, but i have a feeling your going to do great:flowerforyou:0
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Bumping for a friend in the same situation.0
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You keep doing what you are doing and he should be proud that you want to be healthier! I have had the same battles with my boyfriend and he has gotten a smudge better and we don't live together so it is easier! You can't make him change and when he is ready he will! You have to do what you have to do to be happy and you just give in, you are not being true to yourself and it will make your relationship stressed. Stay true to you and time will help with the other!0
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My husband was a real bear the first couple of weeks after I got serious about changing my eating and exercising habits. He acted like it was a punishment for him! I told him if he would like to eat what I cooked, that was fine. If not, he was on his own. Basically, he was lazy enough to eat what I made most of the time… AND lost some weight, too! Mostly I think it was "denial". He knew he needed to change as well, but who knows why he was so resistant. He used to eat well and strength train.
He's still not exactly on the wagon, but he's past the annoying point. Good luck! 0 -
I've got a very simple answer....He's a grown adult, so.....he either eats what you've made or he fends for himself! If he wants to eat crap, then so be it! 0
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Congrats on your will power to continue on your path. While I'm not married, my boyfriend and I was "suppose" to start MFP together. Needless to say, he created an account, but that's about it. Since joining, I've lost 30+ lbs. He now inquires about what I'm doing to loose weight. Although he's still very supportive, I've learned we all have to take our own paths in our own time. When he's ready, he'll get on board. Until then keep moving forward. Best wishes!0
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We always fear what we do not know.
In 2005 I was 250lbs, and my boyfriend at the time was also obese. He'd make fun of me, talk about how I spent too much time at the gym, and when I reached my goal weight he called me emaciated. Now 7 years later I'm only 15lbs above my goal weight and he is about 40lbs heavier than when we dated. He didn't get it.
Now I'm not saying this is the case with your hubby. But of course change is scary for the people in our lives as well as us. Found out that my boyfriend was worried when I shed the weight, I'd shed him, too.
My fiancee has no weight problem, if anything he's underweight, but he gets it. He knows that while he can eat whatever he wants that I cannot and will not and even said "if you're that unhappy DO something about it."
Maybe what your hubby needs is a sit down, with a firm "here's what I need" kinda talk.
Don't give up, no matter what---keep fighting--keep logging. You can do it!0 -
I think I would have had the same reaction as your husband if my hubby said that we were having salad for dinner.
Consider this: men need more calories in a day than women.... especially meats, maybe just eating a salad for dinner will make him binge after dinner since the salad itself simply won't satiate him (no matter how much he eats of it). You can lose weight without eating salad for dinner and you probably won't want to eat salad for dinner forever (think lifestyle change).
When I lost weight (I'm pregnant now, so I'm going the other way and gaining), I wasn't eating salad for dinner with my 6ft tall boyfriend that has the build of a football player. It just wouldn't work. I tried to eat healthier earlier on in the day when I was at work and wasn't eating a meal with my man. I kept the salad for lunch. You can cook something healthy that will satisfy him as well for dinner. It just takes some negotiation. If he wants to add cheese, bacon and mayo to his chicken sandwich, let him, he may NEED those extra calories. You can keep your meal low-cal. If he wants the extra creamy dressing or sauce on the meal, let him add it, you can go without it.
My 6ft tall boyfriend and I certainly don't eat the same...but we share meals.... just each of our meals are different in portion size or have modified ingredients. Compromise is key for BOTH OF YOU.0 -
I am sorry that hubby is not being helpful... or rather.. being very unhelpful.
Is he perhaps afraid that when you loose the weight, you will be too attractive for him? That he worries that you will be so much more attractive to more other men? I know it is silly, but this is men we are talking about.
Good for you for sticking to your guns, and depending on what kind of man he is/relationship you two have, find a way to tell him you are doing this to stay healthy so you can enjoy a longer life with HIM, not anything else.
Not sure he'd believe you but if you tell him often enough, maybe it will seep into that brain...?
Hang in there - all of you with hubbies like that!!
Yup - agree with this- this is my fiancee to a T....your gonna leave me for a younger fitter guy you lose all this weight! lol he already is 5 years my junior....young enough I should think lol trying to get him to understand that to be healthy, happy and do more things easier together we need to lose some weight bottom line....he trys but like us all falls off the wagon after a couple weeks....losing and gaining the same 15lbs
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.keep going on without him ...let him know you love him and sooner or later I am sure he will join you! 0 -
You are a fully formed individual.
You can control the parts of your life that you want to control.0 -
This is purely hypothetical (as my husband is lucky to find the effing kitchen), but if I asked my spouse what was for dinner and he said "I'm having salad" I'd be a little put off too.
Agreed. Just because I'm eating differently doesn't mean I can blow off fixing food for my family, which includes my husband. If he asks me, "What's for dinner?" and I plan on having a salad, I'd say "I'm having a salad, but I'm making spaghetti for y'all". (example)0 -
If it's your turn to cook, then cook something for him, too. If it's his turn, don't complain about what he made. It's your choice to eat it. Two way street. I'm assuming he works, as well. It may be you need to have an afternoon snack and a late dinner.
Surely there is a way for 2 adults to live in the same house and not argue about food, of all things, which I think should be a time of enjoyment and catching up on each other's week.0 -
This is purely hypothetical (as my husband is lucky to find the effing kitchen), but if I asked my spouse what was for dinner and he said "I'm having salad" I'd be a little put off too.
Agreed. Just because I'm eating differently doesn't mean I can blow off fixing food for my family, which includes my husband. If he asks me, "What's for dinner?" and I plan on having a salad, I'd say "I'm having a salad, but I'm making spaghetti for y'all". (example)
My family doesn't have fixed mealtimes--everyone eats when they are hungry. There are times my husband will say 'Are you fixing something for dinner?' If I am planning to eat light, I will tell him that, but I give him a few quick-to-fix options which I know will satisfy him. He is capable of cooking for himself, but I have no problem fixing him something because he is very appreciative. It makes me feel good that he enjoys my food. Now, my kids (ages 17 and 20) are another story...they are really picky and like a lot of prepared foods. Since there are very few things in my cooking repertoire they like, I refuse to torture them with my food.
Edit: Except for a few rich homemade dishes, that I need to be careful not to eat too often, since they tempt me.0 -
I've got a very simple answer....He's a grown adult, so.....he either eats what you've made or he fends for himself! If he wants to eat crap, then so be it!
This is how I am with my hubby. He generally eats what I put in front of him just because he doesn't want to fix anything himself. If he doesn't like it, he'll throw it out and fix himself a bowl of cereal or PB&J.0 -
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just replace she with he0
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