i will never be good enough

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I have always tried to be good enough for my dad but its never going to happen. He was the start athlete when he was in high-school and even though he is old and overweight now he still acts like he can pass judgment. I hear him call girls chubby when I would die to look like them if he thinks there chubby what does he think of me?

Just now I was complaining about my flat feet and he said 'well that must be why you are slow'. I'm so tired of this and I just don't know what to do.

23 pounds down and I'm still not good enough.

Next time you hear him say something like that about another girl, say, "Well, Dad, you're old, fat, and washed up." When he gets P.O.'d, and he will, say, "If you don't like people passing judgement on you, don't pass judgement on them. You may not realize it, but when you say things like that about girls who are thinner than me, it makes me feel badly about myself. I've been trying very hard to please you all my life. Apparently, nothing I do will ever be good enough for you, so I'm not gonna do it for you anymore. From here on out, I'm gonna do it for me."

My mother is the same way. Which is why I don't share my goals or progress with her and didn't even tell her I was even trying to lose weight. My grandmother's branch of the family has a reunion every other year which was just this last weekend....and then she (and everyone else) noticed. Which is nice once but when that becomes the focus of conversation and the only thing they can think of to talk to you about the whole weekend --- well, I find that really annoying. Come on people, I didn't do this to impress you and there's more to my life than my weight whether it is high or low or in between. Can we PLEASE talk about something else? They may think they are being supportive and motivational but I got this far without their input and I don't find that type of "support" very --well, supportive. It's more like after a time or two you realize that even though they couch it in sugar, they are still determining my intrinsic value and worth as a human being based on my weight which has exactly NOTHING to do with ANYTHING that is really ME which is something they have NEVER shown much interest in at all. Plus the innuendos that they find me and exercise slightly amusing. I mean I know they are all ALOT more athletic than I have ever been, wanted to be or ever will be; and I know that no matter how good of a shape I get myself into, I will never be fast and I am OK with that. I have no grand physical feats in my goals. Nothing in me has any drive to achieve in that direction. I just want my knee and ankle pain issues to subside, that's it, really and truly. I see no 5Ks, marathons, triathlons, extreme fitness challenges,etc. in my future. Mental action is more my game than physical. I do just enough to keep the weight coming off and that's enough for me. Which is why it's good that I am not around them more often and when I am I have to keep all this in mind to help me turn a deaf ear and steel heart to their backhanded "compliments" which are really condescending and proof that they will never judge me on anything but their image of my body (NOT my own -- to me I am still the 115 pound 16-year old girl in the picture even though I still have a ways to go to get there. THAT is how I see myself when I think about it at all, which is not often. I'm more worried about the content of my character than the shape of my skin to twist an MLK quote!)

Ahhh honey, I'm sorry! Please continue to do this great work your doing for YOU!! I would love to support you if you like! My best to you, Karen

I have always tried to be good enough for my dad but its never going to happen. He was the start athlete when he was in high-school and even though he is old and overweight now he still acts like he can pass judgment. I hear him call girls chubby when I would die to look like them if he thinks there chubby what does he think of me?

Just now I was complaining about my flat feet and he said 'well that must be why you are slow'. I'm so tired of this and I just don't know what to do.

23 pounds down and I'm still not good enough.

Both my parents are like that and i have had to put up with it for 34 years, I know its hard but you got to ignore it and be proud of yourself. 23 pounds is an awesome accomplishment to be proud of. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do that will ever change him, so stop trying and be proud of yourself and you will go far. Keep up the good work!

Start now and learn to do what you're doing FOR YOURSELF. The end result will be that you can be proud of your accomplishment, strengthen your faith in your abilities and be healthy. You WILL NEVER succeed if the only reason you're doing this is to shut someone up. You have to want it because you love yourself and know your own value as a person. You're worth the effort!

Weight and athletic ability are pretty far down the list for self-worth criteria. It may be his standard, but you are not him, and hopefully you will strive for loftier goals that are all your own and realize the potential YOU were born with. Don't get sidetracked with other people's expectations; be true to yourself. The father/daughter dynamic is a complicated one and, as you evolve your own adult identity, you will have a deeper understanding of who your father is as a flawed human being. With more time, perhaps compassion for his struggle that made him who he is. You are starting life and will surpass him in every way when you achieve your goals and become a better person for it. Good luck on your journey

You are good enough!!! Do not listen!!! You lost all that weight already, how lucky you are, and how wish I can say the same!!! You are important and have a reason for being, and that my weight loss friend, is helping people like me get the courage to proceed in trying to lose 25 pounds!! Thank you, and for your father, ignore him, he is not happy with his own self, so let him be, let his words go in one ear and out the other!

Thankyou everyone so much for all your support.

My mom and dad are divorced so I only see him every tues and every other weeked. I wouldn't go at all but I hate the fact that I would be hurting his feelings. I know its wrong and he hurts mine multiple times but I just can't help it. He is my dad and I guess I do just want his approval. My mom also just got married so I feel like I have to go over there to give them some space. She always says that anytime I want I can chose to stay at her house but than I bring it up and she says they really want some time alone.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...

You're right -- at 17, and still living at home, you are "stuck" right now. And parental approval (esp. from Dad, if you're a girl) is so important. I feel for you, because I've BEEN there. :flowerforyou: Have you tried talking to him at all about how hurtful he is?

Just try to remember that although he is your dad, at some point he has to earn that right by treating you like a good father would. When you are older, and able to be on your own, you'll be able to choose whether he is someone you want to spend time with, and he may lose you if he's not careful. At that point, it's really his loss -- although it does HURT, and hurt a LOT, when a father can't be a good one to you. :sad:

If your mom is supportive of you, keep her close. Maybe talk to her more about how sad your father makes you (if you can share). Make sure that you spend as much time as you can w/people in your life that you trust, and who are there for you. Work on liking who you ARE, enjoy the beauty that you have in you (no matter what the scale), and do things that you have a passion for, or excel in. Build that confidence for YOURSELF, small step by small step. It'll come, even if it seems like forever.

When you do have to be with your father, try to just stay calm, and try to teach him what you will and will NOT tolerate. Each time he says something that tears you down, try to stay calm and just say, "Dad, I'm trying to have a conversation with you, but I can't have one if you're going to be hurtful and mean. I'll come back when you're ready." And every time he protests, or argues, walk away, and calmly repeat yourself. It sounds silly, but think of it like a game -- he wants to toss "bombs" at you, and if you refuse to catch and toss them back, he can't play. I had to do this with both of my parents for months before they finally stopped. And it SUCKED while I was doing it, but it worked.

I really feel for you, sweet pea. I'm almost 42, and I spent a lot of time crying over a father who is continually hurtful, disinterested, and selfish. I hate to see other girls doing the same, because I know how much it hurts. The good news is, it DOES get better. The older you get, the more you build yourself up, the more you will realize that no matter what your parents say or do, they do not make you who you are -- you are your own person, and you can control who you are, and who you become. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, and it doesn't mean it'll be easy....but you will find your own way, and your own self, and you'll find joy / satisfaction DESPITE, or in spite of, your parents.

Hang in there, lovely. You are gorgeous just the way you are. :flowerforyou:

P.S. Don't let your Dad's mistakes let you expect less of men in general. When you're looking for a guy to date / love...find one that does NOT act like your Dad. I went through some duds when I was young, but I finally found (and married) a guy who is 100% supportive of me, and loves me unconditionally. Thank goodness my kids will have that kind of Dad, and thank goodness I have what I never had at home.

Totally get how this feels... don't get me wrong, my Dad is a wonderful person who is always there for me in every way - except when it comes to accepting my physical appearance.

I have heard all of my life that I am chubby and, basically, lazy. So guess what happened? I gave up trying to be anything other than chubby and lazy. (The thing is, I remember him saying this to me when I was 12 years old... 4'9" and about 85 pounds, smaller than my son now, and he is far from chubby.)

I decided I want to lose at least 25 pounds... and made the mistake of telling him (because I told everyone else that matters to me, too). When I hit 15 lbs lost, everyone was happy for me, including me - but my Dad says "good job - now how about another 15?" Why? What is so hard about just saying "Good job" and leaving it at that?

I am now down 20 lbs (17 since joining MFP), and am able to wear some different tops and such that I wouldn't have felt comfortable in before. I was wearing one that I've had for a while the other day and my Mom complimented me on it and asked if it was new - I said no, I just didn't really like how it looked on me before. My Dad pipes up "Good thing you didn't stretch it all out then!" Again, why? What does he think that adds to the conversation? I get that I was heavier than I should be before - that's why I'm working so hard to do something about it....

Bottom line, OP - I don't know why people, especially parents, feel the need to do this - to make comments that are unnecessary and certainly not helpful... it sucks that they do it.

I tell myself the same thing I will tell you - smile, nod, and don't listen... listen to the people who KNOW how to give a compliment, and keep those words close to your heart, instead.

Good luck and great work

My mom is the same way. She thinks a size 10 is fat.
I'm no where near a size 10... she always used to try to put me on a diet when I was a kid.
It's aggravating.
I feel your pain.

My dad treated me the same way. My eating disorder stemmed from the fact that to him, women had to be thin to be perfect. I had to get straight As and everything. I actually quit talking to him for the better part of 5 years. We just reconnected about a year and a half ago and we have a great relationship now, but he had to go through some life experiences to get to the point where he could accept me for who I am.

And it is in no way your fault, it is issues your dad has. Your options are to get out as soon as possible or to confront him about it. Maybe suggest counseling together. It is tough, but hopefully he can get past his judgements.

To all the people on here who are older than me and have gone through things that I am going through, you guys are all so strong. You guys are all giving me hope that I can go through this and get through this.

It will be an ongoing battle but I know that things will get better, just gotta stick through it for the next few years. I hate the fact that I want to cut him out of my life but if he makes me feel like this than maybe it is for the better.

It's not a matter of age. It's a matter of choice. The sooner you come to the understanding that you own your thoughts, feelings and actions, the sooner you will feel more confident in who you are, rather than who others think you are.

When you own you and love you for you, it's really easy to love others for who they are even if they've hurt us. In other words, you can interact and love your dad for who he is and love yourself for who you are. The two can and need to be mutually exclusive if you want to break free from this cycle.