How to deal with unsupportive friends??
NoahandPresleysMom
Posts: 763 Member
So, I have some friends and co workers who are ridiculously unsupportive of me losing weight. One in particular, we'll call her "Jane" she herself wants to lost 100 lbs but all she eats is fried food, donuts and candy and fast food. She says she just simply cant give it up.Her and her husband have been trying for a second baby and the doctor diagnosed her with PCOS due to weight, and advised her to lose 100 lbs. One day while I was in our breakroom talking to another co worker ,i said yeah I'm down 25 lbs now!! "Jane" says"i hate you" and moved tables. What do i do with her?? I know shes jealous that i've lost weight and she hasn't, and shes a friend of mine. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I am not going to not tell people my achievements just because she's there.
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Replies
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Stop talking about it and people will stop commenting. Ta Da.0
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If she's that petty, then does she really deserve your company? She complains about being fat, then doesn't do anything about it. At least all of us here can say we're working on it or have done in the past. You're stronger than she is. Simple.
Tell her to get over it. If she wants to be able to say the same as you, then she needs to work at it just like you! I have no time for people like that, especially when they're so petty that they move tables to get away from something that wasn't even aimed at them and is simply because of their own petty jealousy.0 -
Try inviting her to dinner or a workout session? Dinner can be home cooked and healthy.0
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Haters gonna hate... She's jealous because you're making progress and she's still in denial. I say just ignore them and focus on those that are supportive in your life.0
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Well I was going to say get a new friend, but since you don't want to lose her as a friend I don't know what to say.
She's going to have to change for her self, hopefully she realizes that soon.0 -
Isn't that like an oxymoron? Unsupportive Friends.
If she is not a positive force in your life, she is not a friend. Simple as that!0 -
I think true friends would be pleased for you if you lose weight even if they can't. Maybe you should think of backing off from the friendship a little. you could give her some tips on how you've done it, if she's interested. At the end of the day it's our own choices that determine how we do0
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First of all she's not really your friend so forget that. All you represent to her is her own failure so, yes, she hates you. Accept that and you can ignore her, try to placate her and you'll just end up sorry. She's like the drowning swimmer who takes the rescuer down with her. Cold, yes, true, yes.0
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Continue to be excited about your goals, you have worked hard and deserve to be. She obviously has not, and she is just jealous of your progress. Maybe you could help her come up with alternative choices to the foods she "can't do without". I honestly feel this is just a copout for those who don't want to change anything, but I don't know your friend, so it may be different. Definitely try to discuss diet and exercise with her, but if she continues to grit on you for your success, then she is not serious about it herself.0
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Isn't that like an oxymoron? Unsupportive Friends.
If she is not a positive force in your life, she is not a friend. Simple as that!
Well said0 -
Since she is your friend, keep doing what you're doing but try not to talk about it in front of her. Just let her observe the positive changes. Be very patient. Some day, she might start asking you questions!
She's obviously in a place where she is not ready to face herself and her problems. If she's an important friend, have a little sympathy.0 -
She can't just get jealous and snotty because your hard work is paying off and hers isn't.
If she really wants to lose the weight and have a healthy baby she's just going to have to work for it.
Don't let it bring you down.
She's just going to have to put on her big girl pants and deal with it!0 -
I recOmend you keep talking about it and telling people of your accOmplishments!! I don't care if people are tired of hearing it or give me crap about it. If they aren't proud of you they aren't friends. I hope people are jealous. I've worked really hard to lose the weight I have.0
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Well I'm sure it's really hard for her and PCOS will make it even harder to lose weight. So just don't go on about it when she's there.0
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Well at least you won't need enemies with friends like those.
I'd drop that "friend" pretty quickly if they're going to be a 5 year old brat about your successes.0 -
Pay her no mind, and just keep doing what you're doing. Who cares what people think! If she WAS a friend, then she would be supportive in some way.0
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Your friend isn't ready to get healthy. Keep going on. If she changes her mind then you can reach down and pull her up.0
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Maybe deal with `jane` like she is a 5 yo?
Invite her to a game of `let us plan our food diary for the next few days and who keeps to it wins`?
Or plan each others food diairies. Give each other a list of foods you like and sit down and plan each others diary together...bit over the top I know but sounds like she is jealous so maybe she needs to feel you are still there for her???0 -
She's not a friend if she's not happy for you.0
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If she is a true friend, she would be 100% supportive of your efforts to have a better life. She is not, pure and simple. You need supportive friends. Just don't talk about your accomplishments around her, if her attitude is going to bringing you down. You don't need that! I had a best friend who dumped me when I became pregnant, because she could not have children. A perfect friendship, down the drain, because of her jealousy0
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I would recommend MFP. It shows you (very quickly) where you're going wrong. You could say to her that it's hard to see where all the weight comes from, but that this will help.
I work in the health food sector and immediately cut back on all the 'healthy' food I had been eating in excess. Houmous, olives, avocado. I still eat them, but I was having an avocado with houmous for lunch most days, no lighter veg. It could come in at 800kcals!
Good luck!0 -
Like a few people have mentioned, try asking if she would like to workout with you one day, or ask if she would like an "accountability buddy," or tell her about this website. See if you can motivate her to lose weight or eat better. Friends who don't share your excitement for your accomplishments do suck in that moment, but I don't think that justifies you not being a good friend to her or writing her off so quickly. I'm not implying that you haven't been a good friend, but since you want to maintain that relationship, reach out to her and see if you can help. If she continues to bring you down then you can reevaluate your friendship. But she may be receptive, and you might just be the encouragement she needs to get motivated. Then you can feel proud about your progress and that you helped someone else make positive changes in their life, too.0
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So, I have some friends and co workers who are ridiculously unsupportive of me losing weight. One in particular, we'll call her "Jane" she herself wants to lost 100 lbs but all she eats is fried food, donuts and candy and fast food. She says she just simply cant give it up.Her and her husband have been trying for a second baby and the doctor diagnosed her with PCOS due to weight, and advised her to lose 100 lbs. One day while I was in our breakroom talking to another co worker ,i said yeah I'm down 25 lbs now!! "Jane" says"i hate you" and moved tables. What do i do with her?? I know shes jealous that i've lost weight and she hasn't, and shes a friend of mine. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I am not going to not tell people my achievements just because she's there.
She's an anchor. She wants to weigh you down try telling her if she isn't going to be supportive, you aren't going to be friends with her anymore.0 -
I hate you? And seriously, moving to a different table? It might be one think to "jokingly" say I hate you, but to move tables and shut you out is ridiculous and immature. I'd find some new buddies.0
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If this is a true friend for you - not just a casual work aquaintence -- then, perhaps YOU need to be the supportive friend to her. You are already on your way to getting your act together toward a healthy lifestyle. You're going to do it, with or without her, right?
Why not offer to include her in some walking exercise -- maybe invited her and others to head outside for a 15 minute walk instead of hanging in the breakroom. Make the invitation "one on one," instead of in a group, and hopefully embarassment won't be an obstacle.
Some people around the perimeter tend to think that people who lose a significant amount of weight get snooty about the fatties left behind. It can be a "I'm better than you are, mentality" -- your original note kinda sounded like that, especially when you came from the tone that your friends aren't supporting YOU. You're doing great, and you feel great, but it's not all about you. Be a good friend yourself and be supportive to those who are important to you.
Kindness is always the higher road even in the face of jealousy and non-supportive "friends." If someone has been curt with you in a public setting, you can only gain respect of others by remaining upbeat, calm and kind. Meanies are losers.0 -
“Friend”… What type of “friend” is she? I’m not asking about “how can she do that to you if she’s a friend?” I’m talking about is she a coworker and you two are friends ONLY on the job? Go out together, not just lunch together? Or is it just friends 9-5 and when you’re out home or on vacation you have your life and she has hers? If she’s just a coworker friend, then there’s a little competition there that you might not be aware of. Perhaps she thought she was superior to you, and now she thinks you’re endangering that with your fitness results…
But I see that you state she’s your friend and you don’t want to lose her. What if SHE wants to lose you? Will you be okay with that? She may subconsciously view you as the representation of a fitter “her,” what she thinks she’s not ready to give up (poor eating habits, poor fitness habits, etc…), so you’re turning into the enemy… She may even start thinking that “you” are doing this to her (like you’re hurting her in some way). For someone who’s not ready to give up her vices, it’s a very large sacrifice. Making changes in the present is very difficult without the desire AND motivation to do so. The mind is very deceptive, and can play its worst tricks on the person in which it resides.
If you’re dedicated to your pursuit, you should let her set her own distance. You can remain compassionate if you wish, but don’t be condescending or patronizing, because that could end the friendship that YOU cherish.
Life isn’t fair; it’s opportunity. Because you can make it how you want, live it how you want. You can also turn it into your own personal hell. That’s what you’re coming out of, and that’s where she prefers to live…0 -
She's not a friend. Period.
She's not ready to lose weight and she sees her failures in your success. I'm going through the exact same thing with my friend and I simply don't talk to her about a lot of stuff anymore. I don't go to lunch with her, I don't really engage when she asks me stuff, one word answers only.
A good friend would not try to bring you down, no matter what! You deserve better.0 -
I would make a big sign that counted the pounds lost and put it in a prominent place....
Like many things in life, if it's important to her she will decide to do what she has to do. Otherwise, enjoy your success!0 -
Be proud and continue to share your success with those who support you. You might change their lives as well. In terms of Jane, I'd approach her and let her know what she did was hurtful and reach out to help her join you in the program you are working. If she rejects you AND continues her behavior, it's time to find a new friend.0
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Interesting you call her your friend .Friends raise you up, cheer you on, & are supportive of anything you do. They don't sabotage , bring you down, she could of said tell me what you found that works for you would you share that with me, or next time you go for a walk can I join you, that's being supportive. If her behavior & attitude continues as hard as it will be let her go, she's not a true friend. Love her from a far surround yourself with positive people!0
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