The Mediocre Mom

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  • jackieatx
    jackieatx Posts: 578 Member
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    Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

    Wow that's so unnecessary. You're making it sound like she would go to the gym for hours and neglect to feed her kids or something. Chill out, woman.

    Oh, and to OP: I agree with the above poster that you might be suffering from a bit of burnout. A little me time is never a bad thing, it helps get you back on track and clear your mind. I just had a huge discussion (read: argument) with my SO about how I need a couple hours a week to myself so I don't build up frustration and stress. And cooking with your kids is always a great way to spend time with them :)
  • mmoyer1978
    mmoyer1978 Posts: 124 Member
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    I understand where your coming from if you've always put your kids 1st & let yourself go.that's what I've done for a long time. It can make u resentful. But , your kids are a blessing. Can you try to include them on hikes ? I bring my 6yr old, throw on a snack & go hike a hill & stop for a "picnic" at the top, or let them bike while u jog, or just get up earlier & do a video before they wake up. Keep exercising though, have you ever thought of an antidepressant ? It might help, good luck !

    My 3yo needs to grow a bit so she can keep up. Right now, I hit the gym at 4:30am before everyone gets up so I don't miss out on time with my family.
  • ebgbjo
    ebgbjo Posts: 821 Member
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    To the OP- Don't feel bad for how you feel. You are entitled to your opinions. I love my son with everything that I am and he means the world to me. That doesn't mean that I FEEL like being a mother is a picnic. I DO have moments where I feel the same as you- I also am just a year older with a 5yr old. It is HARD to balance being a mother and trying to be your own self as well.
    Just remember, just because you are a mom, you aren't JUST a mother. You do also need to take care of you. Your child will love you more when you find a way to love yourself and find out what you have to offer the world.
  • skonly
    skonly Posts: 371
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    I need to add something that I neglected to put in there. I LOVE my daughters. They are first and foremost in my life. I would give my life for both of them without hesitation. What I meant to say and did not say well at all was, as a woman who works pretty much full time, how do you get past the moments when being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? How do you find that balance?

    The people suggesting therapy, me included, are doing so because of the words you choose. Being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? Those are your words. You have repeated it. So obviously that is how you feel.

    I'm sure you do love them. You are giving the impression you consider them to be an obstacle in your life. No one is trying to be mean. Suggesting therapy is helpful. I really hope that gets through to you. Try talking to someone you feel you can trust and be open with if you can.

    I understand frustration from being busy and not having much me time. All parents feel that way. But you seem to resent it. Find someone, a dr or whoever you can really open up to and share all your feelings, all of them.

    You made the post so surely you must know you need some help. There is nothing wrong with needing help.
  • icemaiden17_uk
    icemaiden17_uk Posts: 463 Member
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    I am gonna add to the yay you team!! I am a Mum and yep! I really struggled to start with! I was really ill with PTSD and depression and it took a long time for me to want my daughter! But I do!! I love her more every day and I wish that I could sit and play with her all day long! But I also wish that I could be in the Gym every day, or with the horses, or doing my studying. There are defo times that I think "Grr if I didn't have to look after her I could be doing this or that" but I wouldn't change it!

    So, yes. I know exactly what you mean! It does not make you a bad mother, it just makes you a person with interests other than being a mother! You may think these thoughts but does it stop you from spending quality time with your girls that you all enjoy? No it bloody doesn't!! Roll with it! You seem like a great person and the fact that you even worry about it means that you are just fine!!

    Hugs and support!! :flowerforyou:
  • JenniferNoll
    JenniferNoll Posts: 367 Member
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    You are not a mediocre mom. You are a deeply depressed and anxious mom. I've been there myself. I finally started seeing a therapist to deal with the issues that were keeping me from being the wife and mother I want to be. I also started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with major depression and an anxiety disorder. He started me on some meds, and it was like a light being turned on. Suddenly I was able to enjoy being a wife and mother again. Suddenly I was able to come up with activities that my girls and I LOVED doing. The meds and therapy haven't made me happy, but they've given me the ability to be happy.

    I'm not saying you need meds; that's something only you and your doctor can determine. I just know that they helped me tremendously. I just think that at the very least, you should talk to a therapist who can help you work out exactly why you are unhappy and unfulfilled. She can help you to develop strategies to help deal with the frustration and boredom you are experiencing.
    Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
  • newme1980
    newme1980 Posts: 4
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    will repost, quoted the wrong thing
  • donnasjohnson
    donnasjohnson Posts: 71 Member
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    Hang in there. I work as a daycare director and deal with tons of mothers who are trying to balance family, work, and self without guilt stopping them in their tracks. How easy for someone on the outside looking in to say it can be done better. My own mother wasn't the best, and so to overcompensate, I spent way too much time focusing on my kid's development when they were younger (while dealing with my own with late night snacking and head-in-the-sand denial about what was best for me). Logically I knew what was best for them was to be the best I could be, but I couldn't always make that translate into meaningful action. I found this quote on this site a few weeks ago and it really spoke to me. "Children become a lifetime commitment. Your health is no different." I logically know it is possible to have more than one lifetime commitment. But it's up to me to find the balance between my commitments that I can live with. I was told a long time ago that guilt was me feeling I wasn't doing enough, but that shame was feeling I wasn't enough. You are enough for your kids. You are enough for yourself. How that translates into balancing time is a one day at a time process. You (and all mothers who struggle) are in my prayers.
  • dodihere
    dodihere Posts: 490
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    OP - Many of us do feel the same way. I did. I was a great mom and I put my own needs BEHIND everyone elses and in the end, my own emotional needs suffered. It's a balancing act, if you have a supportive husband its easier, if not - you will struggle. I have a daughter who has a child and I remind her so many times to take time out for herself, because I didn't - and it about killed me. I just sent my son off to college and now I am an empty-nester catching up on taking care of myself.
  • newme1980
    newme1980 Posts: 4
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    I have four daughters, and I love being a mom! There ae times when it is tough, when it is dirty, when it is messy and when it is filled with uncertainty... but I love my daughters and I want the best for them, and over the last 14 years I've given everything I have to them and my family. I know who I am... and I know who I'm not, but still along the way I lost sight of who I am and gave into who I am not..

    I looked in the mirror over Christmas 2011 and realized that in giving myself so fully to my family and not taking time for myself I was actually setting a rather poor example for my beautiful daughters. I am on this journey to healthy and fitness for myself ... this is true, but I am on this journey to fitness and health because I know it is the one thing I neglected for my girls. They need to see a healthy mom, because one day they will be moms and I don't want them looking in the mirror one day and saying ...wow I gave so much and got lost along the way.


    I can't judge you on your post, because there is so much missing in the written word, but don't forget about your girls, include them in this journey and teach them to be the best they can be in health and fitness and you may find a happier, healthier place along the way.

    Good Luck to you.

    Wow, this resonates with me so much. It's like you are talking about me; and I'm sure many other mum's will also feel the same way. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • LemonBurns
    LemonBurns Posts: 538 Member
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    I think it's a large boat that you're in right now with these feelings... I know there are MANY MANY times (probably more than I will ever admit) that I am in that boat with you... *sigh*
  • skonly
    skonly Posts: 371
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    To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.

    I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.

    That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.

    Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.

    And for those of you who don't have children you can't honestly understand how hard it is to raise children.
  • Wecandothis
    Wecandothis Posts: 1,083 Member
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    OP: Being a mom has many phases, just like life. Sometimes you feel very close to your children, sometimes you do not. I can tell that you love them, and that, above all else, will get you all through it. You don't have to be 'there' for your kids 100% of the time. If we were then our children would never grow up to be independent adults, they would always 'need' someone by their side. That's not healthy.

    It's okay to take time for you. It's okay not to always like your kids. I have not always liked mine - but I've always loved her. Always. I really think it's important that we as women admit that we don't always like our kids! Why is that sacrilege? It's just a fact. My daughter went through a time as a teenager when I could hardly stand to be in the same room - yet I loved her, and told her so very often - mostly when I was also saying "I can not abide how you are acting!" ;-) And we got through it. And there is love between us and always will be. And heck, she didn't like me at all during that time either. :)


    We do not need to be SUPER MOM in order to be a good mom. Loving your children, and giving them their own time to grow is very important.

    If you want to be a good Mom, become a good person, and a GREAT role model for your kids. Do not listen to anyone that is being judgmental of you, or where you are. They aren't you. And no one is perfect. :-)

    The truth is that you have to love yourself, before you can love others, including your kids. I have a feeling that years in the future your children will come back to you and say, "I'm so glad we had an independent mom - you've been a great role model for us".

    Bless you and your family!!!!!
  • Josie_lifting_cats
    Josie_lifting_cats Posts: 949 Member
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    I'm not personally in the same boat really.... my battles with my suckiness at mom-hood are more work based than work out/exercise/food based.

    I can honestly say that I've gone through phases where I see this with my husband though, and it does frustrate me. Is it a bad thing? I don't know. I struggle with telling my family "I'm going to go have some me time" because I just feel like I'm already so disengaged most of the time anyway (I'm a work at home mom most days of the week - which means that my work takes me far longer than it should because I have a two and four year old with me, and that I work all.the.time.) that for me to finish up work at 5 at night and then stand up and say "Okay, it's time for me to go bike/gym/workout" is really hard - although being done at 5 is something I haven't experienced in a while.

    Meanwhile, I make small slow changes, and my husband has transformed by leaps and bounds. I don't think he'll ever slow it down, though.

    I guess I just wanted to say that I understand. The times I get to go for a bike ride my kids stand at the door blocking it, saying "No bike ride mommy, no bike ride!" and it's hard - and I typically only go on the weekends lately! So despite the fact that I'm not "working that hard" at weight loss, I still feel like crap when I pedal away. Some people are strong enough to just do it - and I wish I was more like you or my husband in that way, because yes, it will be better for them in the long run.... it just sucks now. And I honestly don't think there is any way to make this transformation and not affect the rest of the family in some way negatively - you just have to weigh the positives against the negatives so you keep on keepin' on.
  • Redtango76
    Redtango76 Posts: 144
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    Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

    Whoa...judgemental much? I'd hate to see what you would say to a mom suffering from postpartum depression...
    these are really issues...people FEEL this way...and that's ok...the difference is in if you FEEL this way and if you ACT this way...

    which the OP has made clear it's just feelings and not how she actions her life with her kids...

    kids are messy...i love my daughter...but yeah..there ARE days when I wish I was not a mom anymore...it's nothing against her...she's adorable...it's about how I KNOW i had more time, more organization, more everything to devote to my personal goals...when i wasn't a mom.

    now i'm split in half...even really a 3/4 - 1/4 split...3/4 for her, 1/4 for me...it's just the way it is..and I get that..heck I even love that...except for those moments when i'm juggling and the balls just aren't staying up in the air...
    lady...you're a piece of work to think you are holier than thou to make those comments.

    Jus sayin.


    Alex pretty much said what I was thinking ... Sometimes when we becomes mothers we abandon our personal identify and assume the sole role of mommy . We need to remember self love and care is important and we should t feel guilty a out it ! When we take care of ourselves we are teaching our kids how to do the same . I think a lot of moms have felt this way from time to time . It does not mean we don't love our children or that we are going to act on those feelings . It just means we are struggling to find balance in a society that demands us to be everything to everyone which is not reasonable or healthy. Your doing fine keep learning to love yourself ! Your feelings will pass and you'll learn balance and so will your kids . Spending every waking moment attending to your kids While ignoring your needs is not helpful for you or them !
  • Wecandothis
    Wecandothis Posts: 1,083 Member
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    I guess I just wanted to say that I understand. The times I get to go for a bike ride my kids stand at the door blocking it, saying "No bike ride mommy, no bike ride!" and it's hard - and I typically only go on the weekends lately! So despite the fact that I'm not "working that hard" at weight loss, I still feel like crap when I pedal away.

    Try thinking this: I am helping my children become independent adults. When THEY are in the same boat as I am in right now they will know that it's okay for them to go be kind to themselves. It honestly is better for them to have a strong independent Mom that will always be there for them when they NEED her. Not just when they are whining.
  • bonniecarbs
    bonniecarbs Posts: 446 Member
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    Your post did not sound like you were ready to abandon your children and just be yourself. You give to your family physically, and you love them, but you still have a mind. and desires. Doesnt mean you are going to say to heck with it all and go be a swinger. I'm sure lots of people have been there, I havent, I only had one child and she was extremely independent even as a toddler. but dont think for one instant that I dont understand what you are talking about. I've listened to my girl down that same path with her two, but she would not go back in time for mega millions, cause those kids are her life. but she still has a mind and desires. I'm glad someone who knows you personally responded. Take care, as I'm sure you are already doing.
  • Aviendha_RJ
    Aviendha_RJ Posts: 600 Member
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    Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

    I think it's ok to LOVE your kids, but not like how inconvenient they are at times. I can see that. But... their ages... are they in school where you are (you said 5 & 3 when you started, how old are they now?) because if they're out learning to play soccer or running around a playground with kids their own age while you go to the gym... seeing that as a potential win-win. THEY get active, make friends, become social... you get the time you want/need to work on YOU then once THAT'S out of the way, you can focus more on them.

    From someone who's BEEN in therapy after her mom died, I found benefit to talking to someone. But... to the woman who made the above comment, and regarding your first comment as well... if you can't be supportive:

    BACK OFF B!TCH, no one cares about your opinion.

    The OP is looking for SERIOUS advice, not someone to tell her she's a horrible person. If she WAS a horrible person, she wouldn't have a conscience, & therefore wouldn't be driven to online forums to ask people for HONEST, SUPPORTIVE advice. So keep your snarly, vicious comments to yourself... She's OBVIOUSLY worried about her kids, like a good mom would be, so CLEARLY they're already in good hands.
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
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    I have two beautiful daughters. Samantha (age 5) and Michaela (age 3). When I started my weight loss journey, they were two and four. Before I started my transformation, my life was making those I loved happy. In fact, I was under the delusion that the happiness of my loved ones it was brought me happiness. Now, as many other weight-loss adventurers know, the key to cutting your food addiction is discovering what it is that makes you eat. It is hard to be 33 and find out that you don't know who you are and what makes you happy because you've spent more than half your like self-medicating with pizza and Cheetos. So for the last year an a half, I have been on one mad selfish street. I'm fixing me. Learning me. Understanding me. I have learned so much about me. My husband has been extremely supportive. But along with my road to health and self discovery, my daughters are missing out. I justify this by telling myself that as I learn to me a better me, I will be a better mom. They will be healthier both physically and mentally as I pass down what I have learned and break the vicious cycle of food addiction that generations of my family have suffered. But is this truly just that? Justification? Or is it fact? Are there any other moms out there with young children who understand this? Right now, I don't like being a mom. It's inconvenient for me. It gets in the way. It's messy. And yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way too, but it's how I feel. How do you cope?

    I have three kids under 4. There are definitely moments when I feel like I need nothing more than to get away for a little bit. But, that feeling passes as soon as I take a deep breath and remember what is truly important to me. My kids. I chose to bring them into this world. I knew it would be hard, especially having them so close together. I didn't know just how hard it would be, but I always knew that it would be worth it. And it is. They adore each other, and my husband and I adore them. We're even planning out how it would be possible to have another baby because we'd like to try to give our son a little brother.

    Like many others, I put my own needs last. But, that doesn't mean that I don't take care of myself. My husband and I let the other sleep in when we need it. I make sure I have time to get in some exercise. I have him make dinner once or twice a week to give me a break. He helps with dishes and laundry when I can't keep up. He and I take care of each other because we're both in this together. They're his kids too, and he loves being their father just as much as I love being their mother. Yesterday was a bad day for him, so I took all three kids to get ice cream and then, even though it's a hassle, I took them all grocery shopping. It takes extra work, but we do what we can to make things easier for each other. That way, neither one of us ends up feeling too overwhelmed.
  • Josie_lifting_cats
    Josie_lifting_cats Posts: 949 Member
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    I understand where your coming from if you've always put your kids 1st & let yourself go.that's what I've done for a long time. It can make u resentful. But , your kids are a blessing. Can you try to include them on hikes ? I bring my 6yr old, throw on a snack & go hike a hill & stop for a "picnic" at the top, or let them bike while u jog, or just get up earlier & do a video before they wake up. Keep exercising though, have you ever thought of an antidepressant ? It might help, good luck !

    My 3yo needs to grow a bit so she can keep up. Right now, I hit the gym at 4:30am before everyone gets up so I don't miss out on time with my family.

    I don't know your schedule (as others have said), but I know my husband goes to the gym early in the morning so it doesn't affect the family, too. But the reality is that it does affect the family. He falls asleep at 7:30 or 8 sometimes. There's virtually no chance of watching a movie with him after the kids go to bed because he falls asleep part way through. He's not sacrificing time with the kids, but he's sacrificing time with me now, and sometimes that's harder on the entire family than we realize, too! If you're tired, you'll find yourself frustrated more easily - I know I do. Yesterday I biked 21 miles then went to a picnic with a few families, and I was nearly in tears a few hours in because I was so tired and my kids were all over and so insane... and I just couldn't keep up. Thankfully I knew that a big part of it was exhaustion. But sometimes I don't realize until later why I felt so stressed/tired/strung out.

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