An unmotivated spouse

To fight it and cook/buy his own food, or if he will start to adapt.

Some people might think its wrong of you to limit how much food you offer him but if you are the one cooking than you should get to decide how much you cook. And you arentt going to be cooking smaller portions beuase hess overweight, you will be cooking proper portions because no matter what size he is you should be cookig proper portions.

Obviously stuff like this will test him and you will have to decide what would be pushing him too far but I wish you the best of luck.
You love him and want the best for him and im sure he will see that.

Sorry for the disjointed post. Stupid smart phones lol

Good Morning,

First off, I am so sorry for the lose of your stepdad.

This is a tough one. We all know sometimes all the talking in the world is pretty useless. It's all falling on deaf ears. I suspect your husband is well aware of your fear and also well aware of the potential complications of his obesity and seditary life. I think what is going on is a whole lot of playing ostrich. Yup, the old 'head in the sand' "I don't hear you'...'la la la la' is going on.

One thing I can suggest. From what you wrote, it seems you are the grocery shopper and cook of the family. Here is where YOU have the power! Refuse to bring crappy food into your house. Period. Revamp your dinners. Like the one your showed us (porterhouse steak, potatoes, corn, asparagus, and cookies). Make it small filets, potato OR corn, asparagus and a big salad. Dessert-a fresh fruit based one. Even baked 'pies' like blueberry or strawberry have many less calories than cookies. Start substituting these sorts of thing. Give him portion control by controling the portions. No more 'family style' meals. Make only TWO servings of things. No leftovers. Make sure to have snacks easily avaliable. Fat-free chocolate pudding is delicious. So is sugar free Jello. Keep things like this around. Eventually, he'll eat them.

Will he complain? Of course he will. Stand firm. He will stop. If he wants cookies, tell him to go to the store and get them HIMSELF. YOU are NOT his maid, cook or slave. He is NOT a child. He is a grown man. If he wants something bad enough, he will get off the couch and go get it.

Quit feeding the bears! They will only come back for more.

Lisa

I need to rant a little.

I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. He was fat when I married him, he was fat when I met him waaaaay back in high school. I don't expect him to drop a ton of weight all of a sudden and just be thin. It's not going to happen.

But... my stepdad just died (a month shy of his 51st birthday) of acute renal failure and congestive heart failure. These complications arose because when he was my husband's age, he was fat and developed type 2 diabetes. It really, really scared me. Watching my mom have to suffer, knowing that my stepdad missed seeing my sister graduate from high school by just over a week- it broke my heart. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my husband. I love him. I want him to be around for a long, long time.

I've started back to taking care of myself. I check in with my mom a lot to make sure she's okay and make sure we both keep eating right and exercising, and she always asks the same question: "What about your husband?"

Well.... he's over-eating, as usual. He's very sedentary, as usual. He's out-growing all of his 3X shirts and size 46 pants.

Last night we had Porterhouse steaks for dinner. I ate a 4.5oz slice... he ate a whole one. He asked me to go to the store and get him some Texas toast to go with the steak, potatoes, corn, and asparagus we were having, and to make chocolate chip cookies for dessert. I refused the toast, but I made the cookies.

I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be angry with me for trying to "put him on a diet" or nag him about working out, but I also want him to live a long life without having to worry about bypass surgeries and CPAP machines if it's something that can be easily prevented.

I see him sitting on the couch for hours and hours at a time playing Modern Warfare, and I watch his feet turn purple. My stepdad's feet used to turn purple. I don't think my husband knows how scared I am for him. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me or says I'm attacking him. Either way, it hurts.

I really need some advice. Have you been in my situation with your spouse? What did you do? Are you still dealing with it or did you find something to turn it around?

Were you once the unmotivated one? What triggered you to make a change?

Thanks

Have you tried talking to him about your fears and concerns? If anything, I would think if he loves you as you do him that if you approach him with "I am really wanting to lose weight and I think the best thing would be to have your support" and have him help you with going on walks, eating healthier choices once in a while... those sorts of things, that will at least open the door way for some physical activity for him and possibly at least start an improvement to his diet. The problem is you can't make someone change who doesn't want the change for themselves...

...and what Iceman said couldn't hurt either... lol

If his feet are turning purple he needs to see a doctor NOW. That is not a thing that happens to normal people. He may already have diabetes and it needs to be treated immediately!

ok the feet turning purple thing made me post to this. I offer this story as maybe something you can share with your husband. My father was diabetic. at the age of about 42 he had issues with his feet - some discoloration and numbness. He ignored it for awhile. On a routine checkup (which he only made to keep his insulin prescription up to date) his doctor told him he had to have something done immediately or risk losing his leg. That began a round of surgical procedures and various other things (including treatments in a hyperbaric chamber which were considered cutting edge technology at that time) to save his leg. Then surgery to remove his big toe to stop the now gangrene. Next came amputation below the knee and months of rehabilitation and learning to walk with a prosthesis. My dad was an active guy and this was incredibly difficult for him to have to rely on others, be wheelchair bound for a time and then learn to do everything again (just imagine balancing as you walk). The thing with amputation is it's not just the surgery and the healing afterward but the fact that your stump changes so you constantly need to get a new prosthesis. and you constantly have issues relating to that - getting used to it, getting sores, staying off of it for a time (which means you don't get to walk around). After just a few years he started to get discoloration in the other foot too. eventually the same exact thing happened - rounds of procedures to save the leg but eventually amputation. At this point my family was used to living in hospital waiting rooms -- heck I was in school and I used to do most of my homework in a hospital room chair. Not to complain that this was an inconvenience -- but this effected our whole family. Not to mention that my dad became a very angry person. Now I can see why but as a child it was so hard to have a parent that was like that. My dad was amazing with his disability - he drove himself to work using hand controls on his car, he did yardwork and projects around the house just like always. and whenever someone would ask him if he lost his legs in "the war" he'd say (with a completely straight face), "yes. I stepped on a landmine. twice" the funny thing is that most people didn't even get the joke they were too busy trying to be respectful.

(I realized I didn't include this last part at first so I'm editing to tell you: my dad died at the age of 57. At 42 I am now the age when most of his health issues started. It's very sobering for me to realize how young he was and how we really have to take care of ourselves.)

Anyway, this is SO not something to mess around with. I hope your husband gets medical attention for his feet and that he begins to take his whole health into consideration. For his sake and for yours and the rest of your family too. Good luck to you!

The unfortunate fact is that you cannot nag your husband into taking care of himself (I tried with my Daddy. It didn't work. He died at age 55.) He will either decide on his own to take care of himself or he won't.
The other unfortunate fact is that if he is beginning to have health problems, his sexual drive may be affected (increased belly fat is often linked with decreased testosterone, purple feet indicate lack of circulation which can affect sexual performance, etc). Sexual favors may not motivate him, either. If this is the case, it has nothing to do with how attractive or sexy you are.

I know this is easier said than done, but what will probably be more helpful than talking, pleading, nagging, or bribing will be for you to simply live and enjoy your life the best you can. Be healthy, energetic, radiant, and happy. Take up some new active hobbies. Tell him you love spending time with him and you'd love for him to join you. Cook good foods for the both of you. If he wants something sweet, find a healthier replacement, and enjoy it together.
And realize that he is not going to change overnight. Every small step he takes in the right direction should be met with encouragement.

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

LOL FUNNY! BUT so so true! You know the power sex has over men! :drinker:

If his feet are turning purple he needs to see a doctor NOW. That is not a thing that happens to normal people. He may already have diabetes and it needs to be treated immediately!

This, too. It's a sign of poor circulation, which is a symptom of diabetes.

I am in the same boat. I am hoping and praying that soon he will follow my example. Also I do all the food shopping and cooking so if he isnt happy with what I make or buy then he is forced to do it himself. And thats works..men don't do that...j/k (not really)

bump

i got my BF to change a bit of his habits, key is to start small, they are hardheaded after all, i was losing weight and he was happy about that, so all on his own he decieded to try also, so now i just have him look at the calories on whatever it is we buy to eat, just changing one item to a "light" version will help, and eventually he will care about how much he eats, also my bf is only allowed to play video games if he on the stationary bike to play them, (i dont know if he really does that or not he swears he does) but the point is to get them to think about it. Good luck my dear, prayers for your family

I am in EXACT same situation, FrausHaus. I have given up trying to help my husband. He doesn't want to change. We were fat together when we were dating, got married, and had a kid. At 35, I decided I needed to make the change ASAP so I wouldn't die of Type2 diabetes and renal failure like my father did.

I buy groceries for myself and our son, and he buys his own junk food. I quit caring about a year ago when he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and refused to get medicine to help control it.

He is only going to do what he wants when he wants... it's life the same goes for you. When you wanted to workout and eat healthier you did because you wanted to not cause someone else thought you should or wanted you too. That being said my fiance is now working on bettering his health and will workout with me (something he did not do for the first year of my journey) you just gotta hope somehthing clicks for the ones you love. I told him I was worried and no matter how you say it telling someone they are over weight isn't something they are going to be appreciative of even if it's just cause you want to live a long life with them and have them around as long as possible. Just keep eating healthy (do not enable his crappy eating by making him cookies or giving in if he wants them tell him to make them ) & working out hopefully he will see how well you are doing and how awesome you feel and look and he will want to follow suit. It might not be tommorow or in a week or a month or 5 yrs but hopefully down the line he will.