Dating/relationships conflict of interest.....

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  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
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    If you like her, explore things. Easy peasy.
  • myth4ever
    myth4ever Posts: 372
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    I get that we are all diiferent.....I actually embrace it!!! I been called everything under the sun because of the way I live. But when someone doesn't take an interest in making sure they are going to be around for the long haul by taking care of themselves in the simpliest form...... How can you grow as one?

    Tomorrow isn't promised by any means but I don't understand Russion Roulette as a game any one would enjoy playing. But when you look at the big picture the choices you make early have an impact on your life later, so I do what I do know so that my tomorrow if I am blessed to see will have quality. So is it wrong knowing what you know to have higher health expectations for yourself and the one you want to be with?

    For you that say as long as they don't bother me and my goals what does it matter? Yeah I get you love your partner etc etc but if you totally understand how valuable having a healthy way of life is....we did things in our teens we wouldn't dare do now. One day you have to realize it is not just about you....other wise you would still experiment with drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, so on and what not....How many of you would puposedly marry an alcoholic or a person who abused drug, a person that was sexually immoral.....most of you would frown upon those acts. What's the difference?
  • myth4ever
    myth4ever Posts: 372
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    Not magazine models??! But that's why I joined in the first place ..... :laugh:

    me too, but there are a few people that aren't like us!!!! LOL
  • Chameleone
    Chameleone Posts: 281 Member
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    If you like this person and you think you are self motivated enough to continue doing you, I'd say go for it.

    But If you think being around someone like that is gonna deter you from your goals then walk away.
  • myth4ever
    myth4ever Posts: 372
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    I think MANY couples don't agree on exercise and food.

    Is she obese? Unhealthy? Or just not an exerciser?

    Overweight yes....not obese....told me she take pills to control her weight or to lose. Not an excersiser says she hates the thought of it!!!
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,023 Member
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    I get that we are all diiferent.....I actually embrace it!!! I been called everything under the sun because of the way I live. But when someone doesn't take an interest in making sure they are going to be around for the long haul by taking care of themselves in the simpliest form...... How can you grow as one?

    Tomorrow isn't promised by any means but I don't understand Russion Roulette as a game any one would enjoy playing. But when you look at the big picture the choices you make early have an impact on your life later, so I do what I do know so that my tomorrow if I am blessed to see will have quality. So is it wrong knowing what you know to have higher health expectations for yourself and the one you want to be with?

    For you that say as long as they don't bother me and my goals what does it matter? Yeah I get you love your partner etc etc but if you totally understand how valuable having a healthy way of life is....we did things in our teens we wouldn't dare do now. One day you have to realize it is not just about you....other wise you would still experiment with drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, so on and what not....How many of you would puposedly marry an alcoholic or a person who abused drug, a person that was sexually immoral.....most of you would frown upon those acts. What's the difference?

    So, was this a hypothetical question? Because you've answered it perfectly right here.

    No. Don't attach yourself to this person. Be honest with them about why you can't and move on.
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    My suggestion would be to go read all the posts people put on here about their spouse being unsupported and how it makes them feel.

    I was 32 before I got married and I dated many many different types of people. I am in a fantastic relationship now because we have similar lifestyle interests. Our vacations consist of going places we can do things like bike down a volcano in Hawaii, climb a mountain in Montana or kayaking or paddle boating in Jamaica. These are the things that keep us fit and together.

    We take between a 2 and 5 mile walk together every day as well. This is time for just us, no computer, no cel phone and no tv. This is our time so there is no excuse for us to drift apart.

    I know for a fact that a short term fix of being lonely is not near as good as long term love and appreciation. What happens if by chance you had kids? What would you forsee as a family life? Playing in the yard or on the xbox cause mommy is too lazy to get out and play.

    I also think it is very important that we go into a relationship accepting the person for who and what they are, we can not think that we can change them, that is just plain wrong.

    To each his own but I promise you that you will never regret being in a relationship with some who actually cares and you can do things with outside the bedroom :)
  • Lovelyladydawn
    Lovelyladydawn Posts: 41 Member
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    If you do not like her enough to look past that flaw of unhealthy living that's absolutely your choice. Now given fast food and cocaine are two totally different areas lol, it's still that person's choice. As for me, I can not date a smoker, I have tried to date one and it just didn't work. It became very unattractive to me and the smell annoyed me. Again, everyone has their preferences so it's really how you feel.
  • Lina4Lina
    Lina4Lina Posts: 712 Member
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    It depends on how important it is to you. My husband is pretty skinny and doesn't really care about intense exercise but he likes to keep active. When we started dating, I weighed double what he weighed but I have always had an interest in eating better and being active. We would hike together and later we started kayaking, biking, taking karate classes together, etc. He doesn't care about ever joining a gym or lifting heavy weights, that is fine with me.

    I think though if I had married someone who didn't want to do outdoor activities, I would be a bit frustrated/sad. Same as if I married someone who didn't like to travel.
  • bohonomad
    bohonomad Posts: 171 Member
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    My boyfriend is anti-exercise too so I just exercise without him. I can get him to go hiking with my but that's about it. So long as he's not stopping me from exercising I don't care. He;s extremely supportive where he can be though, he looks up restaurant menus ahead of time to make sure I can make healthy choices, etc. and somehow manages not to get angry when I turn down a ton of places for being too unhealthy. If someone cares about you they will help you reach your goal and be supportive, maybe give it some time with your new girlfriend.
  • bulbadoof
    bulbadoof Posts: 1,058 Member
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    It really depends on how much effort it takes you to keep up proper diet and exercise. If you do it without thinking then it probably won't be an issue unless you two decide you're in it for the long haul and you want her overall health to improve. If you battle cravings every day and really have to push yourself, it'll really get to you.

    I guess my conclusion would be don't let it get in the way of casual dating and having fun in good company, but probably save getting serious for someone who is serious about the same things you are.
  • supergr33n
    supergr33n Posts: 69 Member
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    I haven't read all the other comments, so sorry if this is repeat.. but... if it bothers you now, it will always bother you, and maybe someday to the point of seeing it as the flaw that you can't live with, and leave her over it. Do her a favor and end it now (if it bothers you, that is) because it will hurt waaaaay more if you do it later and you've both invested time into the relationship.

    I'm going through something similar, right now. My SO and I (of 10 years) are both fat. I've lost 50+ lbs, and am on track to being thin and fit. He's not. At all. I've tried motivating him to get healthier, but nothing has worked- he'll (hopefully) do it when he's ready for it, i'm sure, but in the meantime, it really bothers me that he's okay with being sedentary and obese. I want to live life, and MOVE (I want to try rock climbing, wind surfing, etc ). Hell, I signed us up for Warrior Dash in February (he said he wanted to), and have trained my *kitten* off for months so that I can be fit for it, and he hasn't. I'm stuck between standing by his side waiting for him to catch up, or leaving him in the dust while I push myself to the limit to see what I can accomplish. It's really complicated, and sucks.
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
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    While I don't think she is a bad person for not sharing the same health-related goals and values, I do think you would be setting yourself up for a relationship filled with conflict. She may eventually tire of you spending so much time at the gym, or she may begin to feel judged for her lack of fitness, even if you are open and accepting of her choices. You may begin to feel sabotaged if she brings unhealthy food into the house or asks you to skip workouts to do other things.

    I think your analogy was correct. It would be like an alcoholic who is dedicated to the AA lifestyle and abstinence moving in with someone who is a heavy drinker. Even if the former alcoholic has their sobriety firmly under control and is strong in their choices, being with someone who hasn't evolved to that point would prove problematic to the maintenance of thier sobriety.

    I think you COULD make it work, but wouldn't it be better to wish her well and move on. There are a lot of women out there who share your comittment to health and fitness and you would probably be much happier if you were with one of them.
  • SLaw4215
    SLaw4215 Posts: 596 Member
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    Since fitness and being healthy appear to be somewhat of a passion for you, I do believe that being polar opposites in that department would create a giant wedge between the two of you sooner or later. We live in a world where we all try to be the alpha dog so you'd either be trying to get her to cook lean, go for a walk, or better yet...go to the gym. She'd be trying to get you to "live a little" and eat a handful of Doritos or take her out for Chinese Food. You'd be on your best behavior in the beginning but then old habits will creep up and you'll be in conflict.

    One question you might ask yourself is..."is she the person you want teaching your future children about how to live a healthy lifestyle?" I am all for finding a happy-medium but FOOD is something you HAVE to deal with every single day
  • mjf0461
    mjf0461 Posts: 470 Member
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    I personally don't think it will work for you. I've been in a relationship with someone going on 7 mths and at first he supported me and worked with me on my program. But he's gotten tired of me exercising and dieting. And gets huffy at somethings when I say something. He just doesn't understand, and it's causing some issues more and more each day. I think you have to have some kind of understanding and agree in things for a relationship to be a good one. Not 100% everything but general life style yes. Good Luck..
  • Martin0524
    Martin0524 Posts: 59 Member
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    I would not look at this in the terms of a drug addict. But I agree with someone else that posted; if she doesn't do anything to ruin your diet or try to change you from being a gym rat.. then give it a chance.

    My husband doens't work out as much as i do, but he also supports me when I do and even though he doesn't watch what he eats he makes sure that i'm sticking to my goals.
  • MzBug
    MzBug Posts: 2,173 Member
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    It depends on the people. Activity level opinions vary. When I met my guy he was active with tennis and golf on the weekends, and on his job he would be on his feet and moving for at least 4 - 6 hours. He had the typical bachelors diet...deli sandwiches, fast food, restaurant stuff, etc. He described himself as moderatly active.

    I described myself as lazy. However, I had a very active job. I was on my feet and moving (lifting, stocking shelves, and cleaning) for 10 to 16 hours a day, 6 - 7 days a week. On my days off (every other weekend when possible) I did as little as possible after I did the routine chores around the house. While working I rarely took a break and would take things to work that I could eat on the run...apples, cheese sticks, nuts, etc. I would cook and eat a simple meal when I got home.

    Once we moved in together and he saw how much I worked and how active I was, he said that I exhausted him just watching me. Even after I got laid off and was unemployed I didn't sit down much. I am always finding SOMETHING to do, I just can't sit for hours at a time. I cook all the meals and make sure he has what HE wants to take to work for lunch. He has actually gained about 15 pounds over the last 5 years, but he is still within a healthy weight for his age and height. He used to have bad issues with his cholestrol.... now they are normal. I never asked him to change his habits, I never nagged him about changing in any way, but change he did. Now he cringes at the thought of fast food. People can change.
  • cynthiaj777
    cynthiaj777 Posts: 787 Member
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    I would not be interested in dating (and if I'm actually dating someone that is because I care about the person and see myself being with him) a man who didn't enjoy the same activities as me and didn't eat carefully like I do.

    Easy as that. I enjoy biking, running, hiking, swimming, etc. If he doesn't, well...we won't be doing much together. And that won't be a lasting relationship.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    I agree that in your case with fitness being such a huge part of your life that someone who doesn't participate in the lifestyle may not be a suitable match for you.

    My husband has put up with my bad habits for 20 years. He has always tried to eat well, excercise and generally take care of himself.

    He has put up with my yo yo dieting, my lack of interest in anything vaguely excercise related and my smoking. He knew what I was like when we first met and made his choice then that there was more to me than my lousy lifestyle choices.(I have only changed to a more healthy lifestyle in the last two years)

    The irony is that he is the one with high blood pressure and high cholesterol while my levels are fine.:ohwell:
  • RunsOnEspresso
    RunsOnEspresso Posts: 3,218 Member
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    My SO works completely different schedule than me so when he works until 7 or 9, I have plenty of time for my gym time. Since he works late, I usually do the cooking. He doesn't go out of his way to eat healthy but if we buy good foods, he eats them. He pretty much consumes anything put in front of him. We go shopping together and I make sure I get all my healthy choices and ignore his unhealthy foods (like the ice cream he buys but that is easy since I am not a big fan of ice cream).

    There are times where he gives me a look or says something and I just look at him and say, "You aren't being very supportive" and he stops. He really is trying to support me. He knows how much this means to me. And if I get down on myself (like when something doesn't fit) he always tells me that I am working on it and I will get there. And when it's not 115 degrees out every day, I can get him to go on a walk with the dogs. Do I wish he'd take better care of himself? Yes, but I also know I can't force it.

    Its ok for couples to have different interests and goals but if they aren't supportive or upfront with each other, it won't work out. It can be difficult if lifestyles are too different but you have to weigh the pros and cons. I am too much in love with my SO to end it over the fact that he doesn't want to work out. Does it suck when we go out to eat and I have to be careful about what I eat? Yes, but I get to spend time with my man so I suck it up and make it work. I'd rather spend time with him then sit at home and eat a salad alone.

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