i hate myself? how do i change this?

Options
2»

Replies

  • jcriscuolo
    jcriscuolo Posts: 319 Member
    Options
    I agree with the previous posters. Therapy will help. Try it again. If this person is not a match for you, find someone with whom you can connect and bare your soul. Once you find the right person and start making progress, it will be like a weight lifted from your shoulders. Don't give up. It REALLY works.

    I just don't quite understand how talking to someone about problems can just magically fix them... :S

    It does not magically fix them. It is a slow transformation of the way you percieve yourself. And a good professional therapist can give you techniques for you to practice to improve your self-image. We are brought up to repress our thoughts and feelings and sometimes we need to learn how to express them. Please don't give up on therapy.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    Options
    Surround yourself with positive people. That's what I did and I have gotten a lot better with this, although some days are still hard. My bf loves and supports me, as do my friends. Counseling never did it for me either so I had to do it without professional help (all they did was stick me on anti depressants or recommend that I read the Bible, which didn't help or made it worse). It will take a while but the fake it til you make it is another good tactic. Buy an outfit you feel awesome in, pamper yourself a bit, take a day to yourself because you are worth it. :flowerforyou: :)

    All my friends/coworkers/etc are positive, it's just my family (whom i don't ever actually talk to anyway except to get yelled at). And I can't afford to move out whilst at school, otherwise i'd be out of here in a tick, believe me.
  • determined136
    determined136 Posts: 332
    Options
    I think that we all struggle with this is some shape or form in our lives. I have learned that I have to take care of me. I feel amazing when I exercise so I do that everday! Sometimes I hate it but when I am finished I know that is so worth it.

    Like others have said do what makes you happy ... carve out a time that is all about you. I know that seems selfish but it is so necessary. I have 4 kids and did not do this for a long time. I was so depressed and tired and sad that I finally had to do something.

    Just remember that you are worth it! Keep your chin up!!!:flowerforyou:
  • VictorianJade
    VictorianJade Posts: 705 Member
    Options
    I used to feel like this, when I was younger. I had a lot of hate thrown at me when I was in school... teacher's pet, fat, glasses, braces, my perfect brother's imperfect sister, my well-known dad's brainyact daughter... it was awful. I never ONCE thought I was beautiful... until I lived through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had to hit rock bottom to see myself as anything but ugly.

    I remember waking up one morning, after it, and staring at myself in the mirror, reflecting on the various bruises that mottled my body. And I remember thinking, "holy crap... I'm actually pretty." It was a heartbreaking moment for me... because I felt like I'd wasted so much time with self-loathing... and because if I'd just seen myself better, I might have done so many things differently.

    I don't want for you to have to hit rock bottom. So perhaps think of it this way- you're the only person that can make yourself feel good, feel beautiful, and feel worthy. If you don't, why should anyone else? You are your own worst critic, but you must learn to also be your own best cheerleader. In the end, the buck stops with each of us, individually.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Options
    Surround yourself with positive people. That's what I did and I have gotten a lot better with this, although some days are still hard. My bf loves and supports me, as do my friends. Counseling never did it for me either so I had to do it without professional help (all they did was stick me on anti depressants or recommend that I read the Bible, which didn't help or made it worse). It will take a while but the fake it til you make it is another good tactic. Buy an outfit you feel awesome in, pamper yourself a bit, take a day to yourself because you are worth it. :flowerforyou: :)

    All my friends/coworkers/etc are positive, it's just my family (whom i don't ever actually talk to anyway except to get yelled at). And I can't afford to move out whilst at school, otherwise i'd be out of here in a tick, believe me.

    I know. I'm saving up for a car, then will finally learn how to drive (I've had lessons but just not good enough to pass the test yet) and then I'll save up to move out. I'll probably move into my bf's apartment as he should have one well before I'm done with all this, lol. :P
  • katysmelly
    katysmelly Posts: 380 Member
    Options
    I can not think of a time when I have ever loved myself. Being called names like worthless, etc since I was born has not helped.
    I am currently working the job of my dreams, and doing a course that I love but I am so close to giving up because I feel like I do not deserve happiness.

    Am I the only one who feels like this?
    How do I get over it and start to care about myself?

    Have you looked into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It's really very straightforward and can even be done on your own, from a book. Basically, it teaches you to recognize unhappy thoughts, pin them down and identify where they are illogical, and then rebut them.

    Example:

    "I'm so freaking stupid. I screwed up that report and put the wrong chart in the Powerpoint. Everybody knows I'm ignorant and worthless."

    You catch yourself having this thought - when such thoughts are habitual, catching them is a skill you have to learn, as they seem constant! But, just writing them down is how you pin them down.

    You look at what you've said and then, as if you were talking to someone else, you see what is illogical about it. You rebut it:

    "No, not everybody knows any such thing. You're not stupid. You're actually above-average intelligence, which is how you graduated Magna Cum Laude. Everybody makes little errors from time to time. It's not a big deal. You're really good at your job - profits have increased by 16% since you took over the position in March!"

    This sort of thing will gradually train you to think differently. Our bad feelings are caused by our thoughts. And, most of the time, these thoughts are illogical and harmful. They're rife with black-and-white hyperbole. We just have to recognize it and sweep it away and replace them with positive thoughts.

    There are lots of excellent books on the subject. If you want, you can also see a therapist who is trained in CBT. You don't need to lie on a couch and talk about your dreams or your childhood. Some CBT therapists actually think all that mucking about in the past is harmful. All they're interested in is helping you change your thought habits. It doesn't require years of therapy, either - many people report being significantly better after only a few sessions. Or, like I said, from reading self-help books on CBT.
  • LadyIvysMom
    LadyIvysMom Posts: 391 Member
    Options
    I know how you feel.

    I was ridiculed throughout school, never had a group of friends for very long, failed out of my first college because I didn’t go to class because I was afraid of people. My family thinks I'm a freak because I'm totally different from them. I’ve had two jobs as an adult, both of which I fail miserably at. There is nothing I enjoy that I can make money at. I’ve had a series of failed relationships before getting married to a great guy a few years ago. But before him, wow. It was bad. I have sleeping issues also. Sometimes I sleep too much, sometimes too little. I gain and lose weight rapidly. I can’t look the way I want to look because of work and dress codes. I suffered a complete nervous breakdown last year and had to take 3 months off from work. It got that bad. I’m a former cutter and I’ve had times in my life where I’ve been suicidal.

    Just to let you know you are not alone and I know where you are coming from.

    Now, as far as the counselor goes, you should see a different one. The first two I saw were pretty awful and I was not comfortable with them at all. You could also look into an intense group day program. I did something like this last year where I went every day for 8 hours of group therapy for 2 weeks. It was very helpful.

    As far as things you can do on your own, I would suggest writing down a list of things that you enjoy or things that you have always wanted to try. Make sure to do one of the things from your list every week.

    It gets better but it takes time. I’ve been officially in recovery from depression since last Sept. and I’m much better than I was but I still have my days. The very fact that you wrote this post tells me that you are ready to make a change and that’s a great first step.

    Also, and I know it sounds corny but... consider getting a pet. If you like animals, getting a pet, even a small one, can really give you a sense of purpose.
  • grumpythrowback
    grumpythrowback Posts: 7
    Options
    I've never experienced what you've obviously experienced, so perhaps I'm not qualified to comment, but all I would say is don't let all the haters, and all the negative stuff and anyone who ever told you you weren't good enough win.

    They don't deserve to win, so why should they? Reversing all those negative attitudes that have been drummed into you will probably take a whole lot of discipline, and I know in a way that's unfair to have to do that, but I can't see what else can be done except shout down all those echoing negative voices across the years loud enough and long enough until they slowly being to fade.

    Perhaps you may feel it is too soon, but what about volunteering to work with kids who have experienced and are experiencing similar things in your spare time or whatever. Giving that positivity to them and seeing what a difference it makes, may help you heal too, and turn the whole thing on its head.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    Options
    I know how you feel.

    I was ridiculed throughout school, never had a group of friends for very long, failed out of my first college because I didn’t go to class because I was afraid of people. My family thinks I'm a freak because I'm totally different from them. I’ve had two jobs as an adult, both of which I fail miserably at. There is nothing I enjoy that I can make money at. I’ve had a series of failed relationships before getting married to a great guy a few years ago. But before him, wow. It was bad. I have sleeping issues also. Sometimes I sleep too much, sometimes too little. I gain and lose weight rapidly. I can’t look the way I want to look because of work and dress codes. I suffered a complete nervous breakdown last year and had to take 3 months off from work. It got that bad. I’m a former cutter and I’ve had times in my life where I’ve been suicidal.

    Just to let you know you are not alone and I know where you are coming from.

    Now, as far as the counselor goes, you should see a different one. The first two I saw were pretty awful and I was not comfortable with them at all. You could also look into an intense group day program. I did something like this last year where I went every day for 8 hours of group therapy for 2 weeks. It was very helpful.

    As far as things you can do on your own, I would suggest writing down a list of things that you enjoy or things that you have always wanted to try. Make sure to do one of the things from your list every week.

    It gets better but it takes time. I’ve been officially in recovery from depression since last Sept. and I’m much better than I was but I still have my days. The very fact that you wrote this post tells me that you are ready to make a change and that’s a great first step.

    Also, and I know it sounds corny but... consider getting a pet. If you like animals, getting a pet, even a small one, can really give you a sense of purpose.
    Thanks for your reply, ps I have 7 ;)
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    Options
    And I can't afford to move out whilst at school, otherwise i'd be out of here in a tick, believe me.

    I know it's scary, but sometimes going in debt is better than putting up with a bad home situation. Student loans aren't fun, but most of us have them. You'll get a real job someday and be able to pay them off. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be in a tight financial situation and heal than be where you are.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Options
    And I can't afford to move out whilst at school, otherwise i'd be out of here in a tick, believe me.

    I know it's scary, but sometimes going in debt is better than putting up with a bad home situation. Student loans aren't fun, but most of us have them. You'll get a real job someday and be able to pay them off. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be in a tight financial situation and heal than be where you are.

    Although the odds of anyone getting a "real job" in this economy right out of school is really slim. I graduated back in May 2011 and I'm working at a warehouse, where my degree will never be used. At least the pay is okay. >.<
  • shannonj8489
    shannonj8489 Posts: 32
    Options
    You aren't alone.. It's a very rare time when I completely love or even like myself, I think a lot of it does stem from childhood. I wish I knew the answers but unfortunately I don't :(
  • cgale8
    cgale8 Posts: 34 Member
    Options
    It is a hard journey but you are worth every bit of energy you put into you. Negativity is a very had thing to overcome. We can be told many positive things but we tend to only hear the negatives.

    Find a therapist or support group that you are comfortable with. A good one will not focus on you problems completely and will help you move forward.

    Loving yourself after what you have experienced is a hard thing to do. You have to practice it and it doesn't feel comfortable because you aren't used to it. Don't give up, just like diet and excercise, you will have ups and downs but keep moving forward and you will begin to feel more comfortable.
  • TM2794
    TM2794 Posts: 51 Member
    Options
    I agree with the previous posters. Therapy will help. Try it again. If this person is not a match for you, find someone with whom you can connect and bare your soul. Once you find the right person and start making progress, it will be like a weight lifted from your shoulders. Don't give up. It REALLY works.

    I just don't quite understand how talking to someone about problems can just magically fix them... :S


    it's not magic. therapist give you tools to work with. i've struggled with depression since i was 13 years old. for years therapy didn't work for me because i was FIGHTING it. i always had an excuse for everything. one day i was hospitalized and realized only i can help myself. my dr's always told me "therapy is 1/3rd, meds are 1/3rd, and what i do for myself is 1/3rd." (not saying you need medication, btw) You can't just expect things to get better, YOU have to make changes. whether it be get a hobby, try something new, say yes to things! hang out, it's good to be able to relate to people, but you should also surround yourself with POSITIVE, motivated people.
    believe me, i know how hard it is. but it's really up to you. until you take charge of your life, you're going to remain stagnate. so start with baby steps, just get yourself out of the rut before you do something drastic like myself or other's have.

    oh, and i went through quite a few counselors before i found one i was willing to open up to. trust me, nobody meets a stranger and wants to just spill their guts. you're not the only one who struggles, so keep that in mind and just try. i guarantee every little change you make will make a huge impact on your life.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    Options
    And I can't afford to move out whilst at school, otherwise i'd be out of here in a tick, believe me.

    I know it's scary, but sometimes going in debt is better than putting up with a bad home situation. Student loans aren't fun, but most of us have them. You'll get a real job someday and be able to pay them off. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be in a tight financial situation and heal than be where you are.

    Where I live, you need to be earning a certain amount of money for a loan. I already have a car loan, where most of my money is going.
  • vbrent07
    vbrent07 Posts: 115
    Options
    I can relate and it actually has taken me almost my 30 years to love myself for who I am. I was bullied a lot through out all my school years and was pretty affected by it. It has given me a thicker shell though and I can deal with a lot more than I use too! It seems like you are doing what you want to in life, you should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. Most people do not end up with the job of their dreams and good for you for taking classes! I think if you can't work through this on your own, go see someone. Maybe they will work you through this.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
    Options
    I can relate and it actually has taken me almost my 30 years to love myself for who I am. I was bullied a lot through out all my school years and was pretty affected by it. It has given me a thicker shell though and I can deal with a lot more than I use too! It seems like you are doing what you want to in life, you should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. Most people do not end up with the job of their dreams and good for you for taking classes! I think if you can't work through this on your own, go see someone. Maybe they will work you through this.

    The thicker shell is always a good thing :)
  • jcriscuolo
    jcriscuolo Posts: 319 Member
    Options
    OK Beauty - you have had some great heart-felt advice here. What is your plan based on what you have read here? What did you see here that you think might help you and what action do you plan to take? It would be a waste if you get this good advice then do nothing. Make a plan and execute it.

Categories