My boyfriend isn't supportive
Replies
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Anyone notice the OP 'deactivated' her account(I assume this means deleted)? I'll say that some of the posts were not terribly supportive. I would agree that perhaps the guy mighty be a little controlling, but we do not know the whole story and so dump him is probably a little overboard. Someone commented that she did not ask a question and so maybe she was looking for some encouragement. Additionally, picking on her for having this problem at Herman's age also seemed a bit out of line (certainly not encouraging).
What was the right thing to say? I am not 100% sure, but I think she may have appreciated more people suggesting how to handle her relational interactions and encouraging her on how to fight through these temptations. I guess I say this to dwell upon for the future. This is a great community with a lot of great people, but sometimes we, myself included, get too absorbed in giving our opinion and miss the help the individuals are looking for.
Sorry dear, this is the internet, not group therapy. I am not going to cosign anyones bull crap or be supportive of it, period. My money is on the fact she is scared he would see this thread, or already did, and that is why she deactivated her account.
When you come to the internet to ask a question about a relationship problem, it is a good idea to understand there is going to be a good range of responses. The thing is, 95 percent of these posts say the same thing, if she can not handle that, that is totally on her.0 -
And why is he your boyfriend? Ditch him... NOW.
Trust me from mans perspective, if he doesn't support you 100%, there's no way he loves you.
@AVinmill - this is not ONE small problem. This is a breakdown of the very structure of their relationship, in fact their relationship is entirely non-existent so YES she should "just dump him"....
Oh sure, because you can tell what the entire structure of their relationship is from 5 lines on an internet forum. There is no mention anywhere in that post that says that her boyfriend is even aware that she is trying to watch what she eats. It is highly unlikely that you know anything about either one of them. Buch of armchair psychologists.
It's amazing anyone on here has a weight problem with all the jumping to conclusions so many do. Hope they log the calories burned.0 -
Ditch the loser.0
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Yes, he probably is afraid that once you lose the weight you will dump him. (oooh, poor baby)
The main issue I see here is that he is controlling and manipulating you.
This sets off many red flags for abusive relationships.
If you're seriously committed to this guy, then I would recommend getting into some counseling fast (and I mean HE has to go as well or no deal).
If not, I agree with the previous posters who day to get rid of him; continuing on this way is only going to hurt you.0 -
Maybe your desire to lose weight and get healthy is communicating to him that you are unhappy with your life (mainly him). Change is scary for people sometimes maybe you should find ways to remind him that he is one of the permanent things.
Another thought is misery loves company. If he wants to eat junk food and not exercise he doesn't want you there doing it because it will make him feel guilty... I have some people in my life like that0 -
The OP deleted her account...0
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Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
This, definitely this a lot. He's an insecure jerk who is just going to weigh you down in life.0 -
GET OUT.0
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OMGOMGOMG!
I CAN SOOOOOOOOO RELATE!
I had a boyfriend who was like this after me losing 54 lbs a while back. He like fattie boombalatties so he'd sneak fatteneing ingredients in our meals without my knowledge....great guy he was too. Maybe yours is the same. I'm sorry but you need to leave him before it gets physical0 -
Lose him.0
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My boyfriend seems to go out of his way to discourage me. He does most of the cooking and makes sure he makes things that he knows i shouldn't be eating. If I say I will make myself something else he gets upset. Whenever I get ready to go for a walk he tells me he wants to go with me but he is not ready to go then that we will go later but of course he is never ready to go. But yet he oogles over all the woman with the nice bodies.
New research suggests that cheating could improve your relationship.
http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/pc/marriage_cheat.html
I wouldn't recommend it though. But he kinda sounds like a jerk anyway. Maybe if you just go out and do it. And then tell him, and if he asks why you say "Because you makes things that you know i shouldn't be eating. If I say I will make myself something else you get upset. Whenever I get ready to go for a walk you tells me you wants to go with me but you're not ready to go then that we go later but of course you're never ready to go. But yet you oogles over all the woman with the nice bodies." etc etc So I cheated on you.
And then he might get the point. Ofcourse he will be a completely emasculated emotional wreck, but you can slowly rebuild him over time and mould him in to something more supportive, and then decide he isn't the man you fell in love with anymore and dump him.
Good luck
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Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
^ This so hard.
I don't think this is great advice at all without knowing more from his perspective. I honestly thing the way he is reacting is what was said earlier; fear that maybe she will leave him if she succeeds OR sounds like him expressing his own insecurities that he isn't ready to accept the changes and lifestyle they both have together. I think sitting and talking it out with him is much more resourceful than just immediately dumping him...Sorry, I think that is poor advice. Best of luck to you.0 -
If he's not willing to support you
He doesn't fill, what I call "The Boyfriend Job Description."
Get healthy for yourself and find a man who will support you and your new healthy lifestyle!0 -
I'm wondering, is he overweight as well? If he is, maybe he is afraid that you can lose the weight but he can't do it himself so he tries to keep you tied to him with all his destructive behavior. Just a thought. Have a talk with him and lay it all out on the table.0
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She deactivated her account... sometimes harsh advice needs to be given in a gentle manner... harsh words can be very difficult for someone who is clearly feeling vulnerable. You can give a message without the harshness. Just saying coz I've been there and can see what's happened here... some of you handled it great, some not so much. Worth considering in future. :-)0
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some of you handled it great, some not so much. Worth considering in future. :-)
I was actually joking myself. I can't believe someone did a study that actually recommends cheating to improve your relationship/marriage.
I think by improve they probably mean totally destroy.0 -
She deactivated her account... sometimes harsh advice needs to be given in a gentle manner... harsh words can be very difficult for someone who is clearly feeling vulnerable. You can give a message without the harshness. Just saying coz I've been there and can see what's happened here... some of you handled it great, some not so much. Worth considering in future. :-)
I wonder if he caught her on here and forced her to deactivate....or maybe "she" was a troll.0 -
Drop the boyfriend, its the easiest weight you will ever lose! Good luck and stick to your goals and dreams.0
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Sure , judge me for my age. Always Remeber, that age does not equal wisdom. I've met kids, who have lived more in their short lives then many middle aged people.
If you still live in a world of needs to, got to, and etc, then my words to you probably seems like nails on a chalk board . And if you think that the people on here MY SELF INCLUDED, got here by making excellent life choices, then once again, I dunno what to really tell you. You have no idea what this women's life is really like. You have no idea what this guys life is really like. How dare you, or anyone, tell her to make a drastic change in her life, over something she has control over, if she actually chooses to do something about it. She's effected, because she gives him the power. You don't know if she's done anything to cause him to do that. You don't know if the guy has some life problems, that are just making him this way, and can be solved if anyone actually bothered wanting to help him. You don't know anything, about anyone, who is on the Internet with you. So don't go getting upset with me, when I express my point of view . And if it upset you as much as you're presenting (you're the only one that said anything about it), then maybe there is something you've wanted to get off your chest. Why oh why did it bother you so much?0 -
Sure , judge me for my age. Always Remeber, that age does not equal wisdom. I've met kids, who have lived more in their short lives then many middle aged people.
If you still live in a world of needs to, got to, and etc, then my words to you probably seems like nails on a chalk board . And if you think that the people on here MY SELF INCLUDED, got here by making excellent life choices, then once again, I dunno what to really tell you. You have no idea what this women's life is really like. You have no idea what this guys life is really like. How dare you, or anyone, tell her to make a drastic change in her life, over something she has control over, if she actually chooses to do something about it. She's effected, because she gives him the power. You don't know if she's done anything to cause him to do that. You don't know if the guy has some life problems, that are just making him this way, and can be solved if anyone actually bothered wanting to help him. You don't know anything, about anyone, who is on the Internet with you. So don't go getting upset with me, when I express my point of view . And if it upset you as much as you're presenting (you're the only one that said anything about it), then maybe there is something you've wanted to get off your chest. Why oh why did it bother you so much?
My comment was not directly aimed at you...0 -
She deactivated her account... sometimes harsh advice needs to be given in a gentle manner... harsh words can be very difficult for someone who is clearly feeling vulnerable. You can give a message without the harshness. Just saying coz I've been there and can see what's happened here... some of you handled it great, some not so much. Worth considering in future. :-)
I wonder if he caught her on here and forced her to deactivate....or maybe "she" was a troll.
I find it hard to believe someone would post something like that to troll. Can't comprehend why that would be amusing. Maybe I'm just naive or I just like to think the best of people..0 -
My issue with the whole thread was, she never asked for advice, suggestions tips or any help whatsoever. This is a health/weightloss site, not a fix my relationship advice site. If she would have asked how to get him onboard, then she would have had a ton of suggestions. As it was she was just whining and moaning about how bad her "man" is, and in that I dont believe she is mentally ready to start her weightloss journey anyway, just wanted company in her misery.0
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My man often says "OH you are off to see Jim again"... meaning the gym!!! We laugh about it.
He needs to support you. Is he perhaps overweight also??0 -
And just put your foot down - say "I'm going for a walk at 10am if you are coming with me, be ready by then"... if he's not, then just go. As for the dinners etc, nice of him to cook, let him know you appreciate it, but say "you know I am really trying to be healthier and lose a few pounds, so if we cant' agree on healthy meals, then I'll just make something for myself"...
He needs to understand this is important to you.0 -
OP has deleted her account0
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I didn't read all the commends but I love how so many of you automatically default to "just dump him". No wonder the divorce rate is so high, 1 small problem and lets end the relationship. Talking and working out your problems, what a concept. haha morons.
The reason divorce rates are high is because people now feel like they have a way out if they chose their spouse badly. End of story. All this means about previous decades is that many, many people suffered through years of marriage because they didn't feel there was a way out.
High divorce rates are not a negative. The OP's husbands behavior is legitimately abusive. And you referring to anyone else as a moron is mildly funny to say the least.0 -
my comment was not directly aimed at you eitherSure , judge me for my age. Always Remeber, that age does not equal wisdom. I've met kids, who have lived more in their short lives then many middle aged people.
If you still live in a world of needs to, got to, and etc, then my words to you probably seems like nails on a chalk board . And if you think that the people on here MY SELF INCLUDED, got here by making excellent life choices, then once again, I dunno what to really tell you. You have no idea what this women's life is really like. You have no idea what this guys life is really like. How dare you, or anyone, tell her to make a drastic change in her life, over something she has control over, if she actually chooses to do something about it. She's effected, because she gives him the power. You don't know if she's done anything to cause him to do that. You don't know if the guy has some life problems, that are just making him this way, and can be solved if anyone actually bothered wanting to help him. You don't know anything, about anyone, who is on the Internet with you. So don't go getting upset with me, when I express my point of view . And if it upset you as much as you're presenting (you're the only one that said anything about it), then maybe there is something you've wanted to get off your chest. Why oh why did it bother you so much?
My comment was not directly aimed at you...
. It was aimed at the person who called out my age, as an excuse for why I know much less them them. I must have messed up when I qouted the person. Below is the post I responded to.
"Wow, says the 27 year old male who also claimed I got here by not making good life choices. HA.
The chick is 49 and just divorced after a 20 year marriage. I think getting rid of a controlling azzhole is exactly what she gotta, must and needs to do.
I have been there and done that in my 44 years on this earth. A man that actually gets mad when she tries to make her own choices is not someone that she NEEDS to be in a relationship with. He needs a gimp."0 -
high divorce rates are a negative. It means that people are still ignorantly getting into marriages, that from statistics, are 50% likely to fail. Just imagine how high the number would be, if people from the old days, would feel comfortable divorcing their spouse. Or people who stay together for the kids. The 50% divorce rate number, is small compared to how many people want to get a divorce.I didn't read all the commends but I love how so many of you automatically default to "just dump him". No wonder the divorce rate is so high, 1 small problem and lets end the relationship. Talking and working out your problems, what a concept. haha morons.
The reason divorce rates are high is because people now feel like they have a way out if they chose their spouse badly. End of story. All this means about previous decades is that many, many people suffered through years of marriage because they didn't feel there was a way out.
High divorce rates are not a negative. The OP's husbands behavior is legitimately abusive. And you referring to anyone else as a moron is mildly funny to say the least.0 -
My ex was the same way when I started my healthier lifestyle.. She didn't support at first and hated that I went to the gym often. she got use to it after 3 months of my life change. I think it was an insecurity thing. To this day, she still gives me crap about it... even tho we've broken up for several months now.. the last time I've talked to her.. she said that since I've lost weight.. I've change.. in fact, I didn't change.. I'm happier, yes. I didn't change tho. When you're in a relationship and some one's habits change... it's up to the other person to adapt to the change and be supportive.. Relationships are built on compromise and support. Apparently your boyfriend is not on the same page and doesn't not accept your lifestyle change. It'll be hard. Only you can decide if it's worth... perhaps give him a month or two to see adapt. Ask him to start cooking healthy foods with you. Add him in your new lifestyle.. Go grocery shopping together... find foods that he'll like as well. Invite him to the gym... Do outdoor activies.. hiking, jogging, walking, etc that'll include him in it.
Good luck.
Jarnard0 -
high divorce rates are a negative. It means that people are still ignorantly getting into marriages, that from statistics, are 50% likely to fail. Just imagine how high the number would be, if people from the old days, would feel comfortable divorcing their spouse. Or people who stay together for the kids. The 50% divorce rate number, is small compared to how many people want to get a divorce.I didn't read all the commends but I love how so many of you automatically default to "just dump him". No wonder the divorce rate is so high, 1 small problem and lets end the relationship. Talking and working out your problems, what a concept. haha morons.
The reason divorce rates are high is because people now feel like they have a way out if they chose their spouse badly. End of story. All this means about previous decades is that many, many people suffered through years of marriage because they didn't feel there was a way out.
High divorce rates are not a negative. The OP's husbands behavior is legitimately abusive. And you referring to anyone else as a moron is mildly funny to say the least.
My point is - why does it matter? I believe high divorce rates when children are involved are certainly a bad thing, but a marriage otherwise is just a written agreement and a ceremony. The only people who believe high divorce rates point blank are a bad thing are those who believe that it somehow pollutes the sanctity of marriage.
Certainly getting married to someone inappropriate is silly, but ultimately the only people it will hurt is themselves (and their credit rating, most likely). People make these mistakes, they grow up, they move on. I find high divorce rates comforting because I know that people are taking a way out if they need to.0
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