need to vent
Generally, and in the past, I have been an optimistic person. However, I do have the occasional moments where all I do is remember and talk about the "bad" in my life. All in all, I've just had "bad luck" and not such good times. I don't know where my optimism ever came from- probably always wished I'd have a better life. But, whenever reality sets in, I realize how bad I have it. Of course not everyone's life is the exact same, there are a lot of other people who have it worse than me. I'm just stuck in a rut right now. I feel really sad and depressed about my life. Almost everyone around me always seems tobe 'moving on' with their life while I am still stuck in the same position I was in years ago (although just a little better than I used to be). What I dont like about myself mostly is my looks: Sometimes I really hate the way that my butt is so round and my stomach pouch won't go away! :noway: :grumble: Yes, I'm 144 pounds, but everyone around me (from a size 0 to a size 4) is a lot thinner and leaner than me. No one has a gut popping out, not even the married with children girls. No matter what I do, and even if I get to a size 4 like I used to be, I always seem to get back to being a size 8 or 10. I get depressed about other things and I feel my life isn't going anywhere so I get back to eating too much (3-4k calories a day). Not kidding. I can scarf down a lot of food in one day and still be ready to eat the next day. I went to the dentist last Saturday, after a hiatus of 1.5 years. I hate dentists. Ever since I was a very young kid I used to cry and be scared of them. My parents got rid of their dental insurance when I was about 7, so from that age until 22 years old I never saw a dentist. So, of course I have major dental issues. My dentist told me this past saturday that I have to have some gum thing done.. in two appointments. Forgot to mention, at 22 years old I paid over $7k for dental fixings. That's what I get for growing up in a poor family where my parents never put focus or emphasis on good dental hygiene. Who ever heard about flossing? Not us! Third, let me not get started about my acne and scarring. I look so ugly that no one ever looks at me. [trying not to cry @ work] Seriously though. A lot of other chubby girls seem to find someone to care for them, someone to love them. Not me! I don't know where all the good guys are at. I'm only around the married or the one's who look at thin girls that flaunt their bodies. One of my co workers got someone to look at her after having plastic surgery. Her ex-husband cheated on her after she had their son. They're getting married soon. Where's my prince charming? Only poor men that have no teeth and are 10+ yrs older than me [I'm 32] seem to want anything to do with me. Am I that ugly ?!?! I do pray to God about this stuff. Almost every day. I wonder if He just hates me or if He's testing me? I have done some mistakes in my life, in my late teens early 20s. I wonder if the good I've tried to do since then isn't good enough for Him? I mean, seriously though, He's the only one who could make a difference for me in my life. I can only do so much! I am human, and He did create me. I wonder..:ohwell: :frown:
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Replies
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Someone needs to learn a little self love. I hope you do. Your life will be much improved.0
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Are paragraphs a thing of the past? ::uncrosseseyeballs::0
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Would it be fair to say you are looking for someone who will love you for who you are, and not a man who is focused on the 'skinny girls' or the younger girls, the girls with nicer skin? A man who will really learn to appreciate the true person you are on the inside?
If the answer is 'yes', then you need to be willing to do the same. Perhaps those guys who are 10 years older and may have some of their own dental issues (just like you did), well perhaps on the inside they are the sweetest guys you'll ever have the privilege to know.
If you prefer to be superficial and keep praying to God for better skin, nicer body, etc., so you can attract a man, just keep in mind that the kind of man you attract will probably be just as superficial.0 -
Would it be fair to say you are looking for someone who will love you for who you are, and not a man who is focused on the 'skinny girls' or the younger girls, the girls with nicer skin? A man who will really learn to appreciate the true person you are on the inside?
If the answer is 'yes', then you need to be willing to do the same. Perhaps those guys who are 10 years older and may have some of their own dental issues (just like you did), well perhaps on the inside they are the sweetest guys you'll ever have the privilege to know.
If you prefer to be superficial and keep praying to God for better skin, nicer body, etc., so you can attract a man, just keep in mind that the kind of man you attract will probably be just as superficial.
You're right. And I have been in a relationship where the man was 19 years older, but he went off to marry someone else. More recently, the men 10 years older aren't so good in the inside or the outside. I have never looked for a superficial man, I always knew I want to be with someone just like myself: a little bit of ugly, and a little bit of nice.0 -
Are paragraphs a thing of the past? ::uncrosseseyeballs::
Sorry. I was venting, not checking my grammar or spelling. :blushing:0 -
It's all about the attitude. If you carry around a bad one, that's all people will see. It doesn't matter how skinny you are or how pretty you are, that all fades with time and gravity. But if what you have on the inside is positive (to yourself and others) then that comes through and that is what people will notice.0
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It's all about the attitude. If you carry around a bad one, that's all people will see. It doesn't matter how skinny you are or how pretty you are, that all fades with time and gravity. But if what you have on the inside is positive (to yourself and others) then that comes through and that is what people will notice.
I agree with this!0 -
You say that you're a positive person however that's just on the outside. Everything that you posted is how you really feel and I'm sorry to say it but that is showing through to other people.
You have the ability to fix every single "problem" that you listed in your post you are just choosing to wallow in your situation and play the "poor me" card.0 -
I really don't mean to sound rude but perhaps you should bring yourself back to sheer basics here - are you breathing? are you healthy? do you have all your limbs?
I know this sounds stupid but sometimes you have to evaluate how much worse things could be right now. I used to think like you - I was over weight, my partner cheated on me and my confidence and life was in tatters. I then started a new job working with disabled children. Every day I see children blighted by illness, who will never live a normal life. They are just bodies functioning and breathing and sometimes not even then. I see young lives destroyed by pain and suffering.
It made me realise that just because I was over weight, alone and hurt, life has been kind to me. I am not living the life those poor children have to live and their families. They make the best of the bad card they have been dealt so why couldn't I do that either?
I know this is not much help to you but if it gives you just a second of perspective that will hopefully make you feel just a little bit better then it has worked. Perhaps you need something to take your mind off your problems and give you a different perspective?
I wish you all the happiness in the world and the confidence to not let things get you down
Peace and Love x0 -
Are paragraphs a thing of the past? ::uncrosseseyeballs::
Sorry. I was venting, not checking my grammar or spelling. :blushing:
It's ok. I tried to read it but I had to stop so I have no advice.0 -
Don't give up on yourself and what ever you do...Don't give up on the LORD! People in your life and on MFP will come and go...believe me. BUT HE SAID I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. You are not forgotten. You're just going to have an awesome testimony. Keep you head up and try to focus on the positives in your life. For every negative thing write down two positive aspects of your life. Then began to praise God for those and watch Him turn things around for you. Be Blessed.0
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It's all about the attitude. If you carry around a bad one, that's all people will see. It doesn't matter how skinny you are or how pretty you are, that all fades with time and gravity. But if what you have on the inside is positive (to yourself and others) then that comes through and that is what people will notice.
I agree with this!
Agree wholeheartedly!!0 -
Honey you are in the perfect place to turn around the whole weight thing! Utilize this site, be honest with your self about what you are eating and you can accomplish your weight loss goals. You've got this.
In regard to your skin, the best advice I can give is to go and get a topical retinoid. I used to have fairly bad acne when I was a teenager. I went on Accutane and had beautiful skin for years. Then I had my daughter 2 years ago and my skin changed and I started getting acne again:( The easiest fix is a topical retinoid. They help combat current acne, increase collagen and cell turnover and will help tremendously with acne scarring. Win Win in my book. Beyond that, there are chemical peals and microdermabrasion. Look into it...
I have to agree with the other posters on here, playing the pity card will get you nowhere. Take steps to improve what you can and adopt a healthier attitude and you will be so much better off!!! How can you expect anyone to see your value and worth as a potential partner when you view yourself as so subpar?0 -
All I'm going to say is, until you learn to love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you.0
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It's all about the attitude. If you carry around a bad one, that's all people will see. It doesn't matter how skinny you are or how pretty you are, that all fades with time and gravity. But if what you have on the inside is positive (to yourself and others) then that comes through and that is what people will notice.
I agree. I used to be extremely positive and optimistic.. almost delusional. Then, life just went bad for me. I had and still have no control over certain aspects: my dad got sick for 4.5 years w/cancer and passed away, and I had to stay living with my mom b/c she can't care for herself. My siblings are absolutely no help whatsoever [I'm sick of asking them to chip in when they have no care but for themself]. I feel stuck and not able to live for myself. The one thing I can do is 'wait', i guess?!0 -
Don't give up on yourself and what ever you do...Don't give up on the LORD! People in your life and on MFP will come and go...believe me. BUT HE SAID I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. You are not forgotten. You're just going to have an awesome testimony. Keep you head up and try to focus on the positives in your life. For every negative thing write down two positive aspects of your life. Then began to praise God for those and watch Him turn things around for you. Be Blessed.
Thanks. I won't & I can't. :flowerforyou:0 -
I really don't mean to sound rude but perhaps you should bring yourself back to sheer basics here - are you breathing? are you healthy? do you have all your limbs?
I know this sounds stupid but sometimes you have to evaluate how much worse things could be right now. I used to think like you - I was over weight, my partner cheated on me and my confidence and life was in tatters. I then started a new job working with disabled children. Every day I see children blighted by illness, who will never live a normal life. They are just bodies functioning and breathing and sometimes not even then. I see young lives destroyed by pain and suffering.
It made me realise that just because I was over weight, alone and hurt, life has been kind to me. I am not living the life those poor children have to live and their families. They make the best of the bad card they have been dealt so why couldn't I do that either?
I know this is not much help to you but if it gives you just a second of perspective that will hopefully make you feel just a little bit better then it has worked. Perhaps you need something to take your mind off your problems and give you a different perspective?
I wish you all the happiness in the world and the confidence to not let things get you down
Peace and Love x
You're right. Things could be a lot worse (like it once was). My life has gotten better than it was 8 years ago. I want to move on, but nothing seems to be moving. I have lost some confidence, and when my own family looks at me and talks about me behind my back (very negatively, when all I've ever done is help them) it really brings me down.0 -
All I'm going to say is, until you learn to love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you.
^^This is true....remember the lil man in the boat. *kitten* *kitten*
:flowerforyou: 0 -
Well, men aren't looking to date a pair a beach shoes. That's your first problem but seriously, the first step is addressing the person in the mirror. I went to my 10 year high school reunion (20 years ago) and had zero friends from then. I looked at myself and figured out why. Not my body or looks, but me. I was a jerk. I was rude, insulting and arrogant. I made a decision to find something nice to say to everyone. Said good morning and smiled at total strangers. Made it so I was a positive person to be around. My life changed drastically for the better. Start fixing you and maybe you'll find that right guy 0
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You can't change the past but you can change your present and future! Confidence won't take over your life the day that you reach a certain size, that can only come from within. If you're unhappy with yourself that will show - this is most likely the reason you haven't yet met your "prince charming".
A size won't make you content with your life or yourself, and neither will a man.
Learn to love yourself! If this is something you can't do on your own, consider talking with a counselor - it might be beneficial to learn the reasons behind why you feel like you do, and they will be able to equip you with the tools that you need to get to a healthier (mentally) place.
Good luck - only YOU can do this and...you can!0 -
Not to be a jerk, but have you ever considered therapy? Sounds to me like you've got a lot of stuff going on in your head. It goes way beyond your physical appearance.0
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All I'm going to say is, until you learn to love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you.
^^This. Someone once told me, "If even you can't see the good in yourself, how do you expect others to see?" Learn to love yourself. Then, everything else will follow. I understand a lot of what you were venting about. I grew up poor as dirt. To make matter worse, I went to school with millionaire kids. So, yes, I had some pretty bad self-esteem issues. But, i got over it. Now, that I looked bad, I missed so damn much of all the things I used to have. But, hey tthat's the way life goes.
Love the life and body you have now. Find the things in you that are good and special. If you can see them, other people will too. Sometimes, they'll see things even you can't.
BTW, if you stop looking for a man, he will come to you. Just a thought, worked for me
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We all need a bit of a whine every rare once in a while. I hope you feel better. (((hugs)))0
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1. I agree with the above, look into getting the acne issues taken care of by seeing a competent dermatologist.
2. Stay on the dental issues, if the dentist scares you find one that will give you Nitrous oxide for work or can give you a referral to a hynotist.
3. If counseling isn't covered by your insurance, check to see what kind of free counseling there is is your area, get yourself into some counseling, sounds like life is weighing you down and if you don't have a church with a minister you can talk this out with then couseling is the best bet.
4. If your mom can't care for herself for even a day or two to give you a break get yourself into contact with Adult services if there is such a thing in your state, they can often arrange for a "respite care" weekend so you can get away and pamper yourself.
5. Look into some sort of social setting, (bowling, sporting events,concerts, theatre) get a sitter if you can't leave mom alone for a couple of hours. There is nothing like the old I am being martyred by my sucky sibs to get you down, you are the only one that can change that, if any of them live near by then tell them (dont' ask tell) to make arrangements to come and sit with mom so you can have some me time. Treasure your mom, my dad died many years ago, my mom died 9 years ago on her birthday, I spent the better part of 3 years getting in my car every weekend, driving 200 miles, do stuff for my mom, then drive home on Sunday.
You can be a care giver and have a life, so get with it missy.0 -
Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now.
-Viktor Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning)0 -
It seems like you're really focused on complaining about other people 'contributing' to your 'hard life'. I think you need to start focusing more on yourself; find stuff you like to do alone, find yourself. Once you better yourself, you'll realize that you don't NEED someone else, and at that point, you'll be so irresistible to others because of confidence, that the right one will turn up when you weren't even looking.0
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Re: the men who have hurt you.
Phuck the *kitten* Phuckers.
Re: where you are in life:
Have a GOOD cry about your situation when things get bad. Everybody needs that. After your cry you are faced with a decision to ACT on the things you CAN control. Namely how you respond to your circumstances. Only YOU can be the boss of you.
Re: God and Creation.
When I was in 7th Grade my Dad sat me down and asked if I was interested in joining he and my mother in their diet program. I was 5'6" and 160lbs. Chubby to say the least. I was upset at hearing this from my dad and used this excuse "Dad, If GOD didn't want me FAT, he wouldn't have made me FAT!"
My Dad , God bless him, is a man of wisdom. My father said to me, gently and firmly something VERY close to this: "Son, I love you fat or skinny. So does God. God did NOT make you fat, Darin. God made you WHO you are - what you do with your body is completely your choice. God will still love you if you're overweight, but you will love yourself a LOT more if you were healthy. I've seen it. You are interested in girls - that's normal. You have been rejected and you don't have confidence. Son, take charge of you, okay? I won't make you diet with your mom and I (Yes, he said mom and I, when he should have used "mom and me..") - but don't let this control you - don't let your weight control you - you control IT."
I joined them on the diet, lost 20lbs. Then I grew 4" that summer.
5'10 and 160lbs isn't so bad.
So - With Regard to what you eat, how you eat and how your body is -
Be the Boss of You. You are not a victim. You are not stuck in your situation.
Cheers, and best of luck!
edit - as an aside, VERY interesting as I read and remember what my Father told me - how very TRUE those words are to me about 35 years later.0 -
You are only as miserable as you allow yourself to feel. You have 100% control over your body, your mind, your attitude -- regardless of what anyone else says to you or about you to anyone else.
Someone else gave the perfect piece of advice and I have to echo it here: be honest with yourself.
That's where it starts. Be honest and understand that you CHOOSE your path, your reaction, your perspective on EVERYTHING. In every thing "bad" that comes into our lives, there is a lesson we must learn. IF we refuse to learn it, it will keep coming back around until we DO. Once I came to that understanding, I realized that there truly is no "BAD" anything.. sure some of it may suck mud pies.. but somewhere in there, I'm learning something and becoming better for it... even if I don't see it right now. So I take everything in stride.. if it's difficult, I get my head down and get through it..
I am also single and caring for my mother -- and my only sibling has abdicated all responsibility. I have no privacy, I feel guilty about doing things with my friends and for myself because my mom is in her situation.. but I have to remind myself that there is something to learn here and nothing is forever. I also believe in Karma and that DOING good BRINGS good.. maybe not right away but it DOES COME.
Worry less about LOSING your pooch or the shape of your butt right now.. worry only fueling your body with healthy, fresh foods.. learn to love caring for yourself in that way.. then loving other things about yourself will follow.. but take ONE step at a time.
About men.. well. there is no cover that will tell us what is in any book... what's more if you LOOK for a good book, you seldom find one. WRITE YOUR OWN BOOK. concentrate on YOUR story.. I guarantee you, your light will begin to shine and HE WILL FIND YOU.. when you begin to love yourself, your confidence will increase and the RIGHT men find that INCREDIBLY attractive.. the WRONG men are terrified of it and will scurry away into the shadows like the cockroaches they are.
Bottom line: stop being who you are for anyone except yourself. Find who you are supposed to be.. even with all the excess "baggage" you think you have.. find who you are. Love who you are. Celebrate who you are. Your happiness will surely follow.
Stef0 -
confidence is a huge factor in how we feel. I understand how you feel. I suffer from acne and always struggled with my weight and still have days when I hate the way I look, and thats a huge issue for me. I al the luckiest girl in the world because I have a bf who loves me through and through no matter what and he is a blessing that I dont deserve. But, men are attracted to confident women. Those skinny girls that flaunt their bodies have confidence. Men sense it and they like that. That is what I think you need.
No, its not as easy as it sounds. No, it doesnt happen over night. It is something that you have to work towards, just like the working towards a healthier lifestyle change. Concentrate on discovering ways to love yourself. Eat right and excersise and it will give you energy and confidence. Set nutritional goals and physical goals for yourself so you have something to focus on thats not just about looks. Find a new hobby and surround yourself with positive people and influences. I would also consider counseling and seeing a dermatologist for professional advice and help.
And I am a girly girl at heart, so to boost my confidence and make myself happy, I go shopping. I buy some new makeup that really makes me feel beautiful, or a sexy new top or dress. But thats just me:) 0 -
You are only as miserable as you allow yourself to feel. You have 100% control over your body, your mind, your attitude -- regardless of what anyone else says to you or about you to anyone else.
Someone else gave the perfect piece of advice and I have to echo it here: be honest with yourself.
That's where it starts. Be honest and understand that you CHOOSE your path, your reaction, your perspective on EVERYTHING. In every thing "bad" that comes into our lives, there is a lesson we must learn. IF we refuse to learn it, it will keep coming back around until we DO. Once I came to that understanding, I realized that there truly is no "BAD" anything.. sure some of it may suck mud pies.. but somewhere in there, I'm learning something and becoming better for it... even if I don't see it right now. So I take everything in stride.. if it's difficult, I get my head down and get through it..
I am also single and caring for my mother -- and my only sibling has abdicated all responsibility. I have no privacy, I feel guilty about doing things with my friends and for myself because my mom is in her situation.. but I have to remind myself that there is something to learn here and nothing is forever. I also believe in Karma and that DOING good BRINGS good.. maybe not right away but it DOES COME.
Worry less about LOSING your pooch or the shape of your butt right now.. worry only fueling your body with healthy, fresh foods.. learn to love caring for yourself in that way.. then loving other things about yourself will follow.. but take ONE step at a time.
About men.. well. there is no cover that will tell us what is in any book... what's more if you LOOK for a good book, you seldom find one. WRITE YOUR OWN BOOK. concentrate on YOUR story.. I guarantee you, your light will begin to shine and HE WILL FIND YOU.. when you begin to love yourself, your confidence will increase and the RIGHT men find that INCREDIBLY attractive.. the WRONG men are terrified of it and will scurry away into the shadows like the cockroaches they are.
Bottom line: stop being who you are for anyone except yourself. Find who you are supposed to be.. even with all the excess "baggage" you think you have.. find who you are. Love who you are. Celebrate who you are. Your happiness will surely follow.
Stef
This is absolutely ME .. every single day! -> "I have no privacy, I feel guilty about doing things with my friends and for myself because my mom is in her situation." Thank you for your words, for your advice. :flowerforyou:0
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