How do you know when its time to break it off?

iFeelBrandNew
iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
in Chit-Chat
At what point do you stop trying to fix your relationship?
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Replies

  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    I'm going to do an Evil Kinevel leap here and say that you need to end your relationship since you're posting this.

    Personal experience: When you feel like you don't want to make it work, end it.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,969 Member
    Agree with poster above. If you're asking about it, then it's time to break it off.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    Agree with poster above. If you're asking about it, then it's time to break it off.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I think it depends on what you have invested in it.

    I was ready to end my 20 year marriage earlier this year. My husband asked me to go to marriage counseling and I agreed, even though I had no desire to work things out. Over a couple of months some things came to light and I realized that I had 22 years invested in the relationship and that I really did love him even though we had gone through some really bad times. So we worked (and are working) things out.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    If a relationship needs that much work, its not worth fixing
  • SVCat
    SVCat Posts: 1,483 Member
    257gcva.jpg

    Fly away lil' bird...fly away.
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

    i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

    he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesnt even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

    ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didnt want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

    now, any advice for that?
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    257gcva.jpg

    Fly away lil' bird...fly away.

    LOL! i truly needed that laugh. undershirt is at the ready.
  • SVCat
    SVCat Posts: 1,483 Member
    Just remember...if you truly love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, go find them and kill 'em.
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    im totally capable of that right now... lol
  • SVCat
    SVCat Posts: 1,483 Member
    Send your sister...she's already going to jail anyway.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

    i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

    he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesnt even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

    ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didnt want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

    now, any advice for that?

    It sounds like you need to have a serious talk. If this is new and a shock to him, his initial reaction is not going to be pretty, but that doesn't mean he won't change his mind given some time to think about it, he may come around.

    I wouldn't end things just yet, but you both definitely have to have a serious discussion and figure out if there's a future. That's a LOT to take on!
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

    i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

    he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesnt even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

    ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didnt want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

    now, any advice for that?

    Well, I wouldnt like that situation if I was him either, but if I really was into the person, I would stay and make it work. Those kids need you, men come and go. just my 2c
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    he says he respects me because i am the only woman in my family that hasnt chosen a man over her kids. so he knows that if it comes down to me having to choose, its the kids. end of discussion.

    i understand that men come and go, but its also really scary to think that i could be a 27 year old single mother of four. how attractive is that?

    i love him, i do... and i want to make it work... but hes blaming EVERYTHING thats happened within the last 2 weeks on ME ALONE. when i feel betrayed in the first place because leaving would NEVER cross my mind if the tables were turned. im pretty supportive...
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    no one, but you can answer that question. How much it is worth to you? How much does the bad outweigh the good or vice versa? Could you see yourself without this person for the rest of your life? Could you see yourself with them for the rest of your life? Is there any room for compromises from both parties, etc.? Have you flat out asked him if he is gone once the other 2 children move in or are you making assumptions?
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Just break up.
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    no one, but you can answer that question. How much it is worth to you? How much does the bad outweigh the good or vice versa? Could you see yourself without this person for the rest of your life? Could you see yourself with them for the rest of your life? Is there any room for compromises from both parties, etc.? Have you flat out asked him if he is gone once the other 2 children move in or are you making assumptions?

    i assume he'll be gone. he says he wants to see how it goes, but im such a pessimist that i only see what could potentially happen on the negative side of things. plus, my attitude lately totally sucks since ive put my walls back up upon hearing that he 50/50 supports me. i understand that in a relationship, although it is a partnership you have to do whats best for yourself. and im not thinking that whats best for him is me anymore. i guess i feel like i would be holding him back now.
  • Fox_n_sox
    Fox_n_sox Posts: 283 Member
    I would not end it. I would talk to him about it. If he is really that upset about it, then there is nothing that you can do. He should support you and your decision to take care of your sister's children. I understand that it will be a struggle going from 2 to 4 kids.

    My boyfriend has 3 kids with his ex. I have 1 child. I want at least 1 more. And that would make 5 kids. I would go from having 1 child, to 4 then to 5 down the road. But I have always wanted a big family.

    But if he wants to be with you, he will compromise. A family is a family.
  • fcp1234
    fcp1234 Posts: 1,098 Member
    Im sorry you are going through this.

    If i was you, I would just tell him how you feel and let him make his own decision if he wants to stay or not. If he really really love you, he will stay and make the best of it. If he doesnt, he is not worth it. Sh** happens, if you love somebody you make it work.

    At the end of the day you go no choice, you are taking care of these kids. If he wants to be with you, he will. Not much you can do here. All you can do is provide a safe and loving household for those kids.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    he says he respects me because i am the only woman in my family that hasnt chosen a man over her kids. so he knows that if it comes down to me having to choose, its the kids. end of discussion.

    i understand that men come and go, but its also really scary to think that i could be a 27 year old single mother of four. how attractive is that?

    i love him, i do... and i want to make it work... but hes blaming EVERYTHING thats happened within the last 2 weeks on ME ALONE. when i feel betrayed in the first place because leaving would NEVER cross my mind if the tables were turned. im pretty supportive...

    You guys need to take some time and calm down and then have a rational discussion. If he wants to work it out, maybe seek counseling. Those kids are going to need it, anyway.

    As for being a single mom with four kids ... you'd be surprised!
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    no one, but you can answer that question. How much it is worth to you? How much does the bad outweigh the good or vice versa? Could you see yourself without this person for the rest of your life? Could you see yourself with them for the rest of your life? Is there any room for compromises from both parties, etc.? Have you flat out asked him if he is gone once the other 2 children move in or are you making assumptions?

    i assume he'll be gone. he says he wants to see how it goes, but im such a pessimist that i only see what could potentially happen on the negative side of things. plus, my attitude lately totally sucks since ive put my walls back up upon hearing that he 50/50 supports me. i understand that in a relationship, although it is a partnership you have to do whats best for yourself. and im not thinking that whats best for him is me anymore. i guess i feel like i would be holding him back now.

    The ONLY thing I believe to be correct from what Dr. Phil says... "What I fear; I create."

    You fear he's going to leave you, it's doomed before you even begin.
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
    You take the good, you take the bad. When you can't take either any more, you move on.

    I can understand that he has honestly voiced his opinion and feelings. That's commendable. However, what he does after is what makes or breaks this...for me, at least.

    You are stepping up to help with your sister's children...what kind of aunt would you be to not step up? If he loves you and truly accepts your children, then the whole yours and mine shouldn't be an issue. I get the desire to have a biological child (and perhaps y'all will cross that bridge later), but he needs to "show" you that he accepts you and your children and now your sister's children for a period of time (don't know the rules of parole where you are, but on 10 years with good behavior...probably less than two years served...anyways...).

    That all said...if he says he wants to give it a go, then let him. And stop self-sabotaging.

    I wish y'all well.
  • YouAreTheShit
    YouAreTheShit Posts: 510 Member
    If man will not do anything he possibly can for you because of his love and devotion to you, then he is not a father type and not your man.

    Move on now while you are young and don't waste your time with selfish men.
  • pittskaa
    pittskaa Posts: 319 Member
    once you start questioning it is when you should. with my most recent boyfriend i was afraid to break up just for the fact that i thought i would regret it, but once i did i was so much happier!!!
  • kristen6022
    kristen6022 Posts: 1,923 Member
    I think you need to do what's best for those kids and let the BF make his own decision if he stays or goes. The kids need to be your number one priority and if he isn't willing to stick it out it's not mean to be!
  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
    If you are thinking about it, then you need to just do it...
  • SFBarbear
    SFBarbear Posts: 146
    i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

    i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

    he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesn't even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

    ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didn't want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

    now, any advice for that?

    It's not what he signed up for nor is it how he wants his life to be, nor should he need to change, compromise or accept anything because of someones' actions. it is his existence. Plain and simple.
    He doesn't want that many children and that much responsibility for something he did not create. Therefore your lives are no longer compatible.
  • cccerberus
    cccerberus Posts: 26 Member
    1 being a pessimist can create self fulfilling prophecy with negative perspectives. cut that **** out.
    2 whatever will be will be. do what you know is right, and if he mans up he'll stick around. if not, its probably just as well, as the influence on the kids should not be one of limp wristed whiny crap
    3 if you try to hold on too tightly he will not have the perspective to see the positives of the situation, only that he is "needed" and/or trapped.
    4 you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a good heart.. you shouldn't have too hard a time finding someone who is appreciative of that if the current guy doesn't man up
  • iFeelBrandNew
    iFeelBrandNew Posts: 263 Member
    its funny that im more receptive to advise from complete strangers ... than i am my own family and friends. LOL

    to me, that screams serious trust issues lol.

    but thanks to each and every one of you for taking time out of your day to help me out.
  • krisiepoo
    krisiepoo Posts: 710 Member
    When you have to ask this question

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