Why do my parents not support me being healthy?
Replies
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I am really sorry your family has this sort of reaction. Fast food is an issue even here on MFP - people post about including it in their plans and if you post on the diet and nutrition forum that fast food is something you can't handle they just keep asking you why. I loved it too, it is just a slippery slope for me and I am staying off slippery slopes for at least another year till I give my body at this weight time to adjust and add a good exercise lifestyle at this weight.
I think controlling what we eat is the hardest life lesson I had to learn, and at 53 I am finally owning up to it. Anyone who does it younger than me I am in awe of and I congratulate. Sometimes leading by example is hard, and your family may learn a lesson that saves their lives by your example, so keep it up the good work on you!0 -
Only problem is.. this is how they have been my whole life.
Calling me every name under the moon, plus everything is always my fault.
Sounds like they're projecting their unhappiness onto you. I don't have any suggestions on how to solve your problem, it's just sad to see your parents being so un-supportive and so un-loving towards you. They seem to be having deeper problems, things they've been hiding from you, but that doesn't alleviate your situation.
The one thing I know is that you need to try to stay calm when they start yelling at you (which is EXTREMELY difficult, I know). Keep repeating that you want to become healthy, and that it's a long way but you're determined to go it, and ask them for their support. Actually ask them: "Please support me, I need your help." Keep doing it every time they abuse you. It hopefully will make them think about and change their behaviour in the end.
Best of luck!0 -
Hey, maybe you can "Ask A Therapist" for advice? Literally. And it's free, too:
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/0 -
The reason your parents are acting like this is due to the fact that you are forcing them to see that they are not eating healthy and (my guess and I could be wrong) overweight and they are threatened by the fact that you are making healthier choices and losing weight. It's their issues not yours. Keep doing what is right for you, and if that's continuing eating healthy and working out, than so be it.0
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It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.0
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It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
^^ This0 -
It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
Wait... so you just expect me to love them whilst they call me a selfish rude *****, fat, a mistake, and tell me everything in the world is my fault...? Yeah, right. By the way, I dare you to try to have a civilised conversation with them. It's not possible.0 -
It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
What do you mean by the first part?
you have a very common malady. dont be offended...many people have it. Its called pleasefeelsorryforme
often associated with dontdisagreewithmeiamwhining syndrome.
take some control and get on with it0 -
It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
What do you mean by the first part?
you have a very common malady. dont be offended...many people have it. Its called pleasefeelsorryforme
often associated with dontdisagreewithmeiamwhining syndrome.
take some control and get on with it
Well, how about you just get over yourself because I was simply asking a question and trying to figure out what to do.0 -
If all the tries fail to make them understand, then maybe you need your own in dependance.
Nothing wrong with them, now who's the one who doesn't believe he's right in what he's doing ?
Good thing is you know for yourself what being healthy for yourself means, as for the rest, well...It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha0 -
It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
What do you mean by the first part?
you have a very common malady. dont be offended...many people have it. Its called pleasefeelsorryforme
often associated with dontdisagreewithmeiamwhining syndrome.
take some control and get on with it
Well, how about you just get over yourself because I was simply asking a question and trying to figure out what to do.0 -
sometimes being around someone trying to be healthy can make members of a family feel crap because deep down they know what they are eating is crap and they don't want to face it... it's much easier to be rude then really think about your actions and accept that, "yes, perhaps my diet isn't the best."
i don't think they should ever tell you to stop eating... i think it just shows they are defensive about their diet but that's okay. it's human nature.,. just persist but don't make them feel bad for eating unhealthy.
if it is a money issue, i can understand it because healthy shopping can appear expensive to the untrained eye. so haha give them a break but don't give yourself one. keep going!
That's the thing - they have healthy food lying around the house, but still they get take out almost every night :S
Cook for them?
If you show them that healthy doesn't have to be difficult to make, or any less tasty... Then maybe you'll swing them over a little.0 -
Sorry if I was offensive to you - certainly didn't mean to be. All I'm trying to say is that it seems that you have either tried all suggestions or have a reason for not trying them. My mother's negative energy had been sapping my energy for more than 30 years. I haven't spoken to her for over a year now, and I couldn't be happier. I don't miss her at all.0
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Honestly, as a parent it is hard to let go of your children as they grow and make choices for themselves. After all, parents spend many years teaching their children about the world, and for many years, as their children grow into adults, parents are controlling who they are and what they do.
It may be difficult for your parents to give up that control, and realize that you are making your own choices. However, if how they are treating you (yelling and demeaning you) is true, then at some point you will need to take control for yourself and not allow them to treat you in that way. That can be either through a conversation with them, telling them that you are an adult, and as so there should be mutual respect, or developing boundaries with them.
One thing to remember, if you want their respect, you will need to model that to them also. It goes both ways. If, however, you have done nothing but show respect for them in action and words, and they are still not respecting you and your decisions, then you need to put those boundaries in place.0 -
Who said anything about loving them? This is actually good advice you were given. Your parents are who they are. Unfortunately, this means that they are cruel, mean, thoughtless people who treat their daughter like dirt. There is nothing you can do to change that, and you need to internalize that there is nothing you can do to make your parents different. So you can either learn to let their suckiness roll off your back, or you can decide that the cost to your mental health is too high and you should reduce or cut off contact.It sounds like you have an answer (excuse) for everyone's suggestion, so I won't make another one for you. Either accept your parents for who they are or distance yourself from them as much as possible.
Wait... so you just expect me to love them whilst they call me a selfish rude *****, fat, a mistake, and tell me everything in the world is my fault...? Yeah, right. By the way, I dare you to try to have a civilised conversation with them. It's not possible.0 -
They seem uneducated, I wouldn't take their opinion seriously. I have the same issue with my family, they say I'm "obsessed' with my food and call me a food nazi, food police and other stuff. They're just jealous that I actually have a defined waistline where they haven't seen one in years. They don't like having their way of life challenged. They see you eating better and instead of changing their habits, they criticize yours. It's an emotional defense I suppose. You can doo iiiit. 0
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I think they are feeling convicted by your choices but are unwilling/not ready to sacrifice for their health. Let's face it, its not easy. It's a constant fight and struggle to be healthier today than you were yesterday.0
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It used to be that people would get offended when you wouldn't eat their cooking. Now they get offended when you refuse to strap on their greasy chain-bought feed bags.0
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Surely by them putting you down, it's an incentive to become healthier, lose the weight and show them how much happier you have become?
It must be hard having people put you down all the time, but if you feel like its getting to you then you should definitely talk to someone. Perhaps try writing a blog, i find if i'm struggling to cope with things, writing them down in a private blog helps me and encourages me to get on with things.
Hopefully their opinions will change and will realise what your doing is going to benefit you. I agree with some others that it's probably jealousy on their part. If they don't come around then move on with your life, and maybe one day they will be asking you for advice!
Good luck, you know you always have this forum for encouragement, even if you get none at home 0 -
I don't know if anyone else mentioned this, it's also possible that your healthier lifestyle threatens their long-held system of thought and behavior. I'm not saying the behavior is ok, at all! but by doing things a different way, a way that you obviously think (know!) is better, they may feel that you are saying "I'm better than you. I'm smarter than you" and that makes some types of people VERY defensive. They may prefer to live in the blissful ignorance of having no idea how many calories are in what they are eating, and there you are, counting, tracking, and that may be reminding them that their choices aren't very good. They may prefer if you would engage in their habits, because it's easier for them to keep living with their choices if no one ever points out that that those choices aren't very good.
Again, I'm not saying the behavior is ok, in any way. Just giving another possible reason for their behavior... and sometimes when we understand (even if it's crappy!) it's easier to ignore/live with.0 -
From what you've posted it seems like they treat you badly and don't respect you in general. Good on you for sticking with the weight loss and eating healthy. They aren't likely to see your side of things until perhaps they go through the consequences of eating badly. It hurts to not have the love and support of your parents, I know this personally, but you can live a full and wonderful life without that. All you need is inside of you! Good luck!0
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They don't understand. They like their way of eating and don't understand why you don't. My family can be like that to a point, but I do make some compromises just to keep peace. They keep telling me that I'm not eating enough and I don't look healthy when I'm thin. I think it's just the nature of parents to want to see their children eat, especially what they eat. So I stick with my food diary for the most part and hit them back with how many calories and sugar in that McDonald's shake: 560 calories & 79 grams of sugar!
I do believe in everything in moderation, so I will give in once in a while, but I always remind them of the calories & sugar and not to bring me this food but once in a great while. I'll also split it with a family member, just to keep from having to consume all of what they brought me.0 -
Your parents sound psycho. It's not your fault. Move on, and when you can, move out!0
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Wow, OP hasn't been making excuses or whining! She knows her parents better than we do. If they are verbally abusive to her, it's not as simple as sitting down and having an "adult" conversation. I'm sorry they said that to you about your weight, OP, and I'm sorry they mistreat you in general.
When you are stuck in a situation and can't leave just yet, and you don't believe having a rational conversation is going to help, the simplest thing to do is to answer in respectful but assertive statements, speaking for yourself and keeping it as brief as possible. "No thank you, but thank you for thinking of me." You could try: "I can see that it does seem rude for me not to eat what you offer. Making my own food choices is something I have to do for me right now."
Then come vent to your friends' list here or people you trust IRL.0 -
This is a handout on communication techniques taught in DBT:
http://www.learningconnections.org/going_home/docs/dear_man_0908.pdf0 -
You poor thing, you need to get out of that situation as soon as you can.
My mother was similar with me, at first she said I was too fat (at 13 yrs old) and then telling me I was too thin and then telling me I was too fat, too thin, too fat. No matter what I did, I was 'too' something and would call me names. It is a control issue and it is THEIR issue, not yours.
It sounds like they aren't going to be swayed by an adult conversation on the topic, so either have it out with them or get out or put up with it. Now I live away from my mother, we get on a hell lot better, but there will always be certain topics we don't discuss...
You are making the right decision by rejecting their unhealthy lifestyles and taking hold of your own. Take pity on them (I mean real, compassionate pity) because they are scared of change and keep note on how *not* to treat your kids if you ever have them!
Good luck,
Px0 -
My parents owned a fast food restaurant from the time I was 2 yrs old. It was 1 block away from our home and both my parents worked there from all day (9am-1am). It was open during the summers at the beach. Burgers, fries and root beer floats were the only food I had 6 months a year since I had to walk there to get fed. No food was kept in the house. I worked there every summer from age 5 - 21. All through this my parents never understood that the crud food they sold to the public who might eat it as a treat was not what you shoud be feeding 3 times daily to a developing child. By my 21st birthday, I was 450 LBS.
I changed my eating habits and got no support from parents, sisters or husband. I refused to eat with the group, waited until they were done then go out to the kitchen and make something more appropriate for me. This caused huge battles all the time. I was young and couldn't enjoy my life because I could barely move. They called me a bunch of nasty names and said I was being anti-social. I wound up getting a divorce and severing all ties with my family.
I was diagnosed with diabetes 4 years ago and have lost 175 lBS slowly over that time by diet change alone. My food intake is now a major concern. If you can't get support from your family, create your own circle of support. I have 6 people who are my closest friends in the world. They tell me when they see progress and cheer me on. It is now to the point where exercise is unavoidable. I hate it but it has to be done. At my request, they nag me to make sure I go to the gym daily after work. I person even said they wanted proof I was there. I had someone take my phone a snap a picture of me hot & sweaty on a treadmill and sent it along.
Show my post to your family and let them know they need to support you and your goals. It doesn't matter why you want to eat healthier. If they keep down the path they are traveling, not only are they risking their own health, they are potentially permanently damaging their relationship with you. I am now 48 and haven't spoken to anyone in my family in 23 years.0 -
My mother really upset me when I spoke to her about my attempts to gain weight (I've gone from 7 stone 2 to 8 stone 1 in two years). She seems to think that weight gain is not a good idea and had the nerve to tell me that I should "watch what I eat" and that most brides tend to worry about their figures.
I honestly have never felt more like shouting at her or crying - she knows that my weight is unhealthy and that I'm trying to gain weight. Does anyone else have a mother like this?0 -
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha
Love your quote! I am saving it in my inspiration file :drinker:0 -
Parents might simply be having a strong reaction to the change...fear of eating disorders is real. I think the man who wrote all this below is pretty accurate.Because they are not as educated about healthy eating as you are.
How about trying to get them as educated?
Are they overweight?
Tell them you are worried about them and their health, and could they consider your ideas on eating.
Its difficult to go against your parents when you live at home, and all this advice about moving out, some of it is just unrealistic.
If you cannot get out of the situation, then Ana's idea of cooking for the family is a good one. This way they will see that it isnt just a fad.
Good luck, Im sure if you try one parent at a time and be reasonable about it, they will talk to you.0
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