Alcoholics in your life? Anyone?

Both my parents are also alcholics. They are divorced and have been since I was 2, Im 39 now. They were also kids when they had me and both had troublesome childhoods. The way I have dealt with them is I moved far away (wasnt my intention at the time). I also dont make it a habit to answer the phone after 7pm, as I know they are well on their way to drunken-ness. I have tried to cut them out of my life and gave them the 'choice' to quit drinking or not have me in their lives. Needless to say that didnt work. It hurts to think that my own parents have choosen the bottle over me and their grandchildren. I have learned to accept them as they are and have put restrictions on when we interact. This is the best I have come up with. Unfortunately, my father is on the brink of death (he is almost 57) with liver failure and COPD. He still chooses to indulge. My mother, is still drinking and has many health issues as well, not quite on the brink of death but will die young, Im sure. Both were also functioning alcoholics up until about 7yrs ago.

My only advice is to think of yourself, you cannot and will not change them. Accept them for who they are and limit your time with them. I know it hurts to see them this way but its their choice not yours. You have to come to terms with this situation. I know it has greatly affected me with my weight and it wasnt until I finally came to the realization that I need to think of myself first that things have turned around.

I would also like to mention that from a very young age I realized that I didnt want to be like them regarding alcohol among other things. Alcoholism can be a heriterary thing and have watched myself closely when it comes to drinking. I drink but not often and not to the point where Im out of control and dont remember things.

I hope my story helps. Just remember you are not alone. There are way more of us than you know. Im happy to hear you are seeking support. I wish you well, keep your chin up and dont let this control you. Just remember, you are in control, not them and their additions. Good luck.

I have a younger brother (he's 44) who is a non-functioning, unemployed and unemployable, stinking fall-down DRUNK. He swills down a fifth of 100 proof schnapps every night until he passes out. Never bathes. Calls us late at night, out of his freaking mind, making no sense. He's broken both arms in two separate falls in the past four years. Goes to rehab, "spins dry" and gets back out to drink again. Collects his BS disability check every month and blows it on booze, fast food and cigarettes. He weighs over 300 pounds and is only five foot ten; his gut alone must weigh a hundred pounds. He disgusts me. I have no sympathy for him at all. He's stolen from our mother and me countless times. The worst time, while I was unemployed, I was in the computer room job-searching, and he went into my room, stole my bank card and car keys, stole my CAR and drove to the liquor store, bought his booze with my card, came back and put my card back in my purse, and I didn't find out until the next day when my account wasn't balancing. I confronted him and he actually tried to kill me. Pinned me in the computer chair, his forearm across my neck, so hard I couldn't breathe. To this day, I don't know why he stopped, but he did.

Thank God he's out of the house now. With all his lies, he gets a monthly disability check AND a section 8 apartment.

A**hole. I really freaking hate him.

I highly recommend Al-Anon. I hated it at first, and resented that the alcoholic in my life was causing me to go to the meetings. It felt sort of cult-y to me. Lots of people saying the same things. But, when I was really hurting, it really helped me. Over time, it helped me learn how to live with the alcoholic, love him, and recognize that I could do nothing to help him until he was ready to change. Al-Anon helped me to recognize my own behaviors that either enabled him or just served to make me crazy.

It didn't matter how much I threatened, cried, screamed, or begged my alcoholic to change. His addiction distorted his thinking. My threats drove him to outpatient rehab several times, but he was always able to talk the counsellors out of putting him in in-patient rehab. He might stop drinking for a few months, but always picked up again and was worse each time. It's a progressive disease.

Ultimately, he drank to the point one day where I couldn't get him to respond. I called 911 and the medics were able to rouse him. His blood alcohol level was way past lethal, and something only a hard-core alcoholic could survive. I was able to convince the hospital psychiatrist that he needed a referral for in-patient rehab. They put him in the psych ward at the local hospital- no shoe laces, the whole bit. It mortified him and was a pretty big wake-up call. Even after he was discharged from the hospital, and had called the rehab center, and had even driven to visit it, he didn't go. Four days later I found him drunk, but still conscious. I put him in the car and drove him to rehab, with him crying the whole way. He spent the first few days there in detox. Then slowly improved over the next 30 days.

I'm truly lucky that he has been sober since the day I drove him in. That was 4.5 years ago. Most people relapse a few times, but so far he hasn't.

I can't give you advice. All I can say is that Al-Anon helped me through that. And, chances are his drinking will worsen, and there's very little you or your family can do except to resist enabling it. It's awful to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves, and yes, they often also create family rifts and resentment. But you are in control of how you deal with it, and that's about it. Good luck, and feel free to message me if you want.

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer"

I can't speak for the person who wrote that, but I can understand it. Cancer is awful. It kills people you love. But it's tangible. You can see it. Cut it out. Hit it with chemo. Radiation. It's not socially reprehensible to be sick with it. Or die from it. If you have it, you may be pitied, but you won't be hated, shunned, feel worthless, weak, and ashamed.

Like diabetes, you may be genetically predisposed to it if you have a parent or grandparent who is/was alcoholic. It's why some people can abuse alcohol without being addicted and others can't. Go to any AA meeting and you will hear the same story over end over. Most will say their problem started as a kid, with that first drink. Many alcoholics really become addicted as teens, and their psychological development gets thwarted. They stop learning how to cope with life stresses, which only increase, because they drink to cope.

Alcoholism affects all organs, and also the brain. The alcoholic brain is NOT normal, and that's part of why it's a disease. It's chronic and progressive. It only gets worse or the person stops drinking. There's usually no way to moderate drinking for an alcoholic. It's all or nothing.

Yes, it's a choice. But an alcoholic brain and body is not good at making logical or rational choices. Everything in the alcoholics body and brain is telling them to drink. The addiction drives every thought. To overcome that is a huge feat. Some people do. Some don't. And usually it requires time forcibly separated from regular life (rehab) to even begin to achieve it.

It sucks. I totally appreciate your feelings!

Keep your distance!!!'best thing you can do besides not enabling him.
My ex husband, my step daughter and now my grandbaby are all alcoholics. I hate that disese but love them. Two of the three are not in my life anymore . I had to learn to draw boundaries.When these were broached with my ex i left.

With my stepdaughter it was harder-i felt like i was abandoning her, but actually just left things in her ball park. I had to let her finally know that I didnt want her in my life unless/until she learned to respect me.I knwo ive done all that i could to help her and that is all one can do.I miss ehr but i am actually better off withoout her as my emotions arent pulled so up n down continually, and no doubt i deserve respect. if i dont take it from other people then i shouldnt take it from her. She was flabbergasted at first and said THE meanest stuff ever, n believe me theres been plenty of mean before, making it even easier.

My grandbaby,22, let me know that she too is one. same scenario ive done all i can to help her-set her up with good therapist, agve her books to read etc. the tendency to rescue her was a lil more pronounced , i did some for awhile, but eventually quit, she had lived here with me til 2 months ago. on and off for a year or two, my emotions were tore up all the time as there was consistent drama. When she stepped on my computer and broke it i made it a necessity as part of rule to continue abiding here to see a counselor and take B vitamins and/or mood stabilizers.. It ended up she did see the therapist-but still lied all the time.In her case she was using the money saved by living here free to support her boyfriend and both of them drink. she never got the reasoning that it was the supporting him by our niceness and just thought we hated him. she supposedly broke up with him-but months later i found out she was lying about seeing him, i told her she needed to pick a date in the future for when ahe would be out of my house. she of course took this the wrong way-she didnt like me cutting her off, and left prematurely.
i told her it would last a week with him and it dd,one week.she;s now in another state and i am so happy about it.She may not understand yet and still think we are controlling but someday she will realize how much we (husband and I) love her.

so i emphatize its really hard to let go of our loved oens but we are better off. we can just hope soemday they will understand and sober up.

its funny while praying my heart out for an answer about my grandbaby i dreamt i was hanging onto an ambulance while it tossed and turned me while it was recklessly speeding!!! how true-just tossing n turning my emotions and "taking me for a ride"she's in another state now.and i feel soo much ebtter, she's still in my life but distanced-a necessary but harsh reality .

I read a great book which i reccoemnd it is "Children of alcoholics". it explains how and why they lie etc. It gave me more compassion but confirmation of my decisions to distance as right. read all of meloddie beatties books on codependcy too ! The. best of luck to you! Put yourself first!! and distance with capital "D" till he's in recovery.

the dsiease makes their victims evil and hateful.it hurts others deeply. but you will be fine soon.dont feel guilty either!!

My dad was an alcoholic. He died about 4 years ago when his cirrhotic liver hemorrhaged. Alcohol had cost him his job, house, marriage, and his pride.

There is no reasoning with an alcoholic. My dad was a genius (member of Mensa), a published author, a talented watch maker, and a fantastic stained glass artist. None of those smarts were of any help once he started drinking. It took me several years to learn that I could not fix him and that I needed to focus on fixing and protecting myself.

MY oldest daughter's father is one as well... we had to cut ties with him becasue everyone else in his life helps him to continue to drink< and when he does he doesnt care who he hurts (mostly he keeps it directed at himself). There is nothing you can do but not help enable him, they have to hit rock bottom. Maybe stage an intervention, or talk to him about gtting help?

It's easy to deal with it--just don't. I have several relatives with substance abuse issues, and my solution is to keep these people at arms length (or further depending on the person). In one case I don't have any contact with the person, in others, I have only very limited contact. I work hard enough to keep my own s**t together, if you aren't interested in keeping yours together, then you're not going to be a close part of my life. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.

My husband is an alcoholic. I am in counsoling and my therapist gave me a mantra to say, "I am not responsible for him." I say it everyday.

My husband is an alcoholic. I am in counsoling and my therapist gave me a mantra to say, "I am not responsible for him." I say it everyday.

Absolutely..try I am powerless over my husband's drinking and my life is unmanageable. That's the first step to your own recovery!

My brother is an alcoholic. It tore our family apart for years. Alcohol always led him to make other destructive decisions (dangerous gambling, stealing, and hardcore drugs). He tried rehab. He tried AA. And he always turned back to alcohol. He told my father he couldn't wait to get out of rehab so he could have his next drink.

He ended up in the hospital last October. He had a mild heart attack at the age of 30 from all of the drugs. I arrived early to his hospital room and tried to talk to him about it. I told him he was killing himself. He looked me dead in the eye and said "I don't have a problem."

It was the hardest thing in my life, but I knew I couldn't do anything more. It had been over a decade of struggle in our family for him, but I couldn't make him stop. This addiction had taken his life over completely, and I didn't know him anymore. He was no longer my brother; he was an addict.

I mourned him like he was dead. I went into therapy to deal with the crushing family issues that accompanied it (my mother had screamed at me on the phone once to not call the police on him if he got violent with myself or my younger sister, whom I was going to protect from him because she was scared. That sent me right to therapy to deal with my hurt and anger towards her for putting his addiction above our safety. Gave me some great perspective).

I haven't spoken to him since he was discharged from the hospital. He ended up back there at least once, and now he is essentially homeless.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It does hurt. A whole hell of a lot. But I couldn't deal with it any longer. I couldn't get sucked into that world of madness again. I had to take a step back and take care of myself and my life. It was so incredibly difficult, but it was the best possible thing for my mental health.

As for the point of all this babbling...I don't know. I just hope you know you're not alone.

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer"

I can't speak for the person who wrote that, but I can understand it. Cancer is awful. It kills people you love. But it's tangible. You can see it. Cut it out. Hit it with chemo. Radiation. It's not socially reprehensible to be sick with it. Or die from it. If you have it, you may be pitied, but you won't be hated, shunned, feel worthless, weak, and ashamed.

Like diabetes, you may be genetically predisposed to it if you have a parent or grandparent who is/was alcoholic. It's why some people can abuse alcohol without being addicted and others can't. Go to any AA meeting and you will hear the same story over end over. Most will say their problem started as a kid, with that first drink. Many alcoholics really become addicted as teens, and their psychological development gets thwarted. They stop learning how to cope with life stresses, which only increase, because they drink to cope.

Alcoholism affects all organs, and also the brain. The alcoholic brain is NOT normal, and that's part of why it's a disease. It's chronic and progressive. It only gets worse or the person stops drinking. There's usually no way to moderate drinking for an alcoholic. It's all or nothing.

Yes, it's a choice. But an alcoholic brain and body is not good at making logical or rational choices. Everything in the alcoholics body and brain is telling them to drink. The addiction drives every thought. To overcome that is a huge feat. Some people do. Some don't. And usually it requires time forcibly separated from regular life (rehab) to even begin to achieve it.

It sucks. I totally appreciate your feelings!

I strongly disagree with the last few sentences. True alcoholics never "overcome" it...I've been sober 12 yrs and my disease is still progressing even though I'm in recovery. If I stop working the steps and principles of AA in my life for one day and pick up and drink again, I won't start where I left off 12 yrs ago, I will start as if I had been drinking the entire time I abstained. It's continuous action with a power greater than myself and spiritual fitness. And I got sober in AA, not rehab, during a time that my life had completely fallen apart as a direct result of my drinking but when I was done, I was DONE and was able to get sober while repairing the mess I had made...

My Dad is an alcoholic and I hate him with every bone in my body. I am dreading my sisters wedding in December because I will have to see him and I know he will wantto put on a happy families act in front of everyone. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since September last year and I have no desire to see him or speak to him ever again.

What has worked for me is cutting him out of my life but I understand that not everyone wants to do that. You have to try very hard though to put yourself first and do what is best for you. I'm only 29 and his drinking has been problematic since I was 16 and I honestly do think that it will have an affect on me for the rest of my life. I also lost my uncle to alcoholism a couple of years ago- he was a very different kind of alcoholic and so easier to deal with. I do miss him a lot.