Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't
ahavoc
Posts: 464 Member
Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
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Replies
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If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought0
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Don't think I don't know that. Why the heck would I have posted if I didn't know I'm in trouble?0
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I say try stepping out of your comfort zone. As the above poster said, he'll go else where. If you appreciate your husband you will do this one thing for him. It doesnt have to be a nightly thing. Just a once a month thing maybe. His attention may even make you realize that you are sexy, even if you think you are heavy. Could be a good moral booster. Give it a try ... sometimes it takes stepping out of the box to see that things really arent all that bad. Always look for the positives.0
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Sometimes it is good to get out of our comfort zones for our significant others... He wants to see you in something sexy, so obviously he still thinks you are sexy. That is awesome!
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If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought0
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If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Empathy at it's finest....smh
I think in order to feel sexy for him, you have to feel sexy for you....you know? I completely understand your predicament. You'll get there though. You're on the right track. He needs to be more patient and more understanding. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy on the outside when she isn't comfortable in her own skin.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Wow0 -
First of all, you husband should be a tad more sensitive. Having said that, this is the first time in my life that I have been overweight or obese. I didn't understand how hard it was to lose weight until I found myself having to do it. So your husband may not get it.
Having said that, maybe you can strike a balance. If he will support you with encouragement, workout with you, say only kind, positive words about your weightloss journey while you are trying to lose, you, in turn, could agree to wear 1 sexy item everytime you loose ... say 10 pounds. Or whatever.
My point is maybe there is a way you can both get what you want and NEED.
Good luck and congratulations on NOT giving up!0 -
I agree with the other lady here you must take care of your man, but I am over 50 and old fashioned I guess.
You will feel better and gain confidence if you lose weight. I was in the same boat until I lost weight. Now it's like my husband has a new wife and he loves it and is the envy of all his friends.
My success story and I hope it helps ---> http://www.venusindex.com/roberta-saums-venus-index-transformation/0 -
Do whatever makes you comfortable.
If he doesn't like it, too damn bad and that's the way I look at it.
If he's going to be this upset over something as simple as not wanting to wear some sexy lingerie because you just don't feel sexy, there could be a problem. Tell him to take a hike.
However, do keep in mind, that in order for him to do things for you, you have to do things for him.
How about trying to meet in the middle?
He wants sexy lingerie, fine. Tell him you want to lose ten pounds or so, and then you'll do it, but until then you'll find something else he'll enjoy equally so.0 -
Listen to her advice0
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I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
If this is actually how he feels and not just your perception of how he feels, then I can't tell you what I really think about this without bashing the crap out of him. Sorry.0 -
Sometimes it is good to get out of our comfort zones for our significant others... He wants to see you in something sexy, so obviously he still thinks you are sexy. That is awesome!
I think you missed the part where she said he doesn't like heavy women and makes that clear to her all the time.0 -
I'd suggest counseling for both of you. You shouldn't hate your body so much. He shouldn't constantly remind you of your weight.0
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Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
First of all, thank you for that.
Anyways, I've definitely been there, and still am there a lot of the time. My boyfriend doesn't ask me to dress like anything - he honestly doesn't care if I wear a potato sack or a sexy nurse outfit. However, I feel like he deserves a girl that looks better, and I've been trying to feel better about myself so I can make myself look better.
Start off small - you dont need to go from t shirts to full on lingerie. Try putting on a little makeup, and see how you feel, do your hair, even if you're just staying in, wear a V neck shirt instead of a crew neck - stuff like that. Go to the store and buy slightly "sexier" underwear. You dont have to go straight for lacy thongs, maybe get boy shorts with lace trim or a cute print?
Those are some things I have done.
Hope it helps.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.0 -
Sometimes it is good to get out of our comfort zones for our significant others... He wants to see you in something sexy, so obviously he still thinks you are sexy. That is awesome!
Exactly!0 -
Are you sure that he's disappointed in your, or is it just that you're disappointed in yourself and feel like he must be too? If he doesn't like the way you look, I don't think he'd want you to dress sexy. I would think that if he were disgusted that the last thing he would want would be for you to dress in sexy lingerie, KWIM? And maybe he wants you to wear makeup and pretty clothes b/c he thinks it will help you to feel better about yourself. I bet he thinks you're hot stuff and he wants you to feel the same way!0
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I know you said you didn't start this to man bash but this is ridiculous. Why would you let a man make you feel so bad, or let someone try to change you? You sound like you are a mature woman, why would you put up with this? I'm sure your advice to anyone else would be to get out or put their foot down. I think you should do the latter, this man sounds like quite a bully who's sulking because he's not getting his own way and making things harder. How dare he tell you he doesn't like you big, or how to dress!! You should feel comfortable, and loved0
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Sexy doesn't have to mean skimpy or slutty. A flattering color, a fabric that begs to be touched... those are sexy. It doesn't have to a crotchless thong.
Go to the store together and make shopping for it part of the foreplay.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Wow.0 -
I second that, "if you won't do it, someone else will."
a big t-shirt doesn't hide anything. if anything, they make people look bigger than they are and very shapeless. Wear something that flatters your figure and I'm sure you will feel 10x better. I don't think your husband is telling you to go out half naked. It seems like he just wants you to dress in clothes that accentuate your figure. There are clothes for every body type, same with lingerie
*edited for spelling error0 -
He should never make you feel like you have to do something you're not comfortable doing.
The key to almost every relationship issue is communication.
Let him know exactly how you feel. Let him know that you're working hard at being healthier, and that when you're comfortable you'll think about dressing up for him, on occasion.
If you do this and he still pressures you, you may have a problem. If he wants to change how you dress/look overall, you may have a problem.0 -
First he should support you and understand and if he don't then it's on him. So not to man bash, I think you've got bigger problems. Why would he want you to get lingerie if he doesn't like big women? You should ask him that. And I agree with the other poster if you don't he may look for someone who will.0
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For me, it's all about self-esteem, and it's a vicious circle. If I take the time to do my hair, nails, makeup, and wear clothes I feel good in, I tend to make better choices about eating and working out...when I'm feeling shlumpy and wearing sweats and my hair is a mess, I don't feel as good about myself or as energized.
Maybe you could start slow? A new haircut, or splurge and get your nails done? (Or pamper yourself and do them at home.) Maybe a new outfit that you feel good in, or maybe just some pretty underwear, not necessarily sexy. Maybe some new workout clothes or a new exercise DVD or sneakers.
Spoil yourself a little....you're worth it!0 -
he WANTS to see you in it, which tells me it cant be all that bad...unless youre actually a cat (i tried to see other pics, but ur aact is private, lol) theres alot of teddies that look great of bigger girls and give some good coverage over the belly, but still make ur T &A look extra fantastic! he already must know ur uncomfortable with it, so hes not expecting you do do a strip tease or anything like that! just put it on and be bashful about it! thats sexy too! i found that the more i forced myself to do things like this, and wear sexier clothes, the more inclined i was to make change. its like fake it till u make it! and i works. think HOT!0
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Why? In privacy of your bedroom, not around house. He obviously cares about you and he doesn't care about your weight. I would understand wearing bathing suit or something in public. Hubby is different!! Leave small light on and put on nighty!! Surprise him he'll love it! I'm overweight, self conscious, but strut in front of him. Don't really know why? He loves it! Go for it!0
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Oh my gosh sounds like I could have written this. I wish you the best. You can do it. I get up every day an struggle with being a big girl. But, we are taking the steps to be healthy.. Skinny comes last. Sexy is only a feeling. And any size can be sexy..0
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For me, I feel sexiest when I'm confident. It sounds like what you are saying is that you don't feel very confident right now. Explain that to your hubby and maybe offer some suggestions for how you make you feel more confident, ergo more sexy (ideas could be complimenting you, avoiding criticizing your looks, doing something special or freaky that you've enjoyed together in the past, or even asking him to explain his needs in a way that don't blame you).0
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If you husband can't accept and love you the way you are then he doesn't deseve you at all. Wear what you're comfortable wearing and don't change yourself for the amusment of someone else.0
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