Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't
Options
Replies
-
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
more like... if someone truly loves you they should listen to your concerns and not force anything on you that you dont want to do. certainly saying her husband is going to cheat on her isnt helping anything at all...
and if you actually believe your husband would do that, then its time to move on. personally, i wouldn't put up with anyyyyyyy of this. i wear what i want when i want to make ME feel happy.0 -
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
First of all, thank you for that.
Anyways, I've definitely been there, and still am there a lot of the time. My boyfriend doesn't ask me to dress like anything - he honestly doesn't care if I wear a potato sack or a sexy nurse outfit. However, I feel like he deserves a girl that looks better, and I've been trying to feel better about myself so I can make myself look better.
Start off small - you dont need to go from t shirts to full on lingerie. Try putting on a little makeup, and see how you feel, do your hair, even if you're just staying in, wear a V neck shirt instead of a crew neck - stuff like that. Go to the store and buy slightly "sexier" underwear. You dont have to go straight for lacy thongs, maybe get boy shorts with lace trim or a cute print?
Those are some things I have done.
Hope it helps.
Love this. My husband could care less. I was a 102 lbs when I met him and now am 158. Still loves me and still thinks I am sexy. me however not at all. Just recently am I trying to get out of the tshirts because truly I know they make me look bigger and I want to look nice. I want me to look nice. While I want to lose weight I also want me to love me for who I am now. I was 102 pounds due to an eating disorder so this has been all my life. I see women who are heavier and they are happy in their own skin and comfortable. I always think they look great in sexy clothes. I am aiming for that outlook while trying to get healthier. I agree start small hair, makeup, a new outfit.0 -
Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
I totally understand what you mean by feeling disgusting. I have lost 28lbs and I still have 55lbs to go to hit my modest goal ( still 10lbs into *obese* according to BMI). Men are not always the greatest about supporting us in the way we NEED to feel supported. Maybe you can find ONE part, such as your chest, that isn't too gross and buy a few things to accentuate that part. That way you can cover the worst of your issues while still doing something for hubby. There is nothing wrong with buying a few pieces to wear in the privacy of the bedroom, or ONLY around the house...
Believe me when I tell you that your hubby might be the first to discover that your body has changed. I had lost about 15lbs and was peeved because I had to TELL hubby that I had lost weight, he hadn't noticed
About a week later we were in bed and he says "you have hip bones again!" and another time I started to get mad at him because he saw me without my shirt and he said "damn honey!" and I got mad 'cause I thought he meant "damn are you FAT honey", but he explained that he meant "damn honey, your love handles are smaller!" 0 -
As a man, I have to put my two cents in. First, I'll say that men do not notice the little flaws that ladies do. The things that you hate about yourself, he may actually love. I don't want to say, get out of your comfort zone, he'll go elsewhere, etc. Because I wouldn't, and never have. Not all men are complete *kitten*. If yours would, then maybe it's time to just move on and find one who loves you for you, not for what you do or don't wear, or what number shows up on the scale. All that being said, I think you need to stop worrying so much about how your body looks. You're working on it, and I encourage you to not give up.0
-
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarrassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
Wow! If your husband makes you feel this way I'm sorry but that's messed up! I dont think I could ever be with anybody that made me feel insecure about myself in any way shape or form.0 -
I'd suggest counseling for both of you. You shouldn't hate your body so much. He shouldn't constantly remind you of your weight.
This....that much self loathing is distressing and obviously problematic for both of you.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Empathy at it's finest....smh
I think in order to feel sexy for him, you have to feel sexy for you....you know? I completely understand your predicament. You'll get there though. You're on the right track. He needs to be more patient and more understanding. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy on the outside when she isn't comfortable in her own skin.
This! I saw many other people saying you should do this for him, but he needs to do something for you first; like, ya know, not reiterate the fact that he doesn't like heavy women and be patient with your weight loss.0 -
I agree with the other lady here you must take care of your man, but I am over 50 and old fashioned I guess.
You will feel better and gain confidence if you lose weight. I was in the same boat until I lost weight. Now it's like my husband has a new wife and he loves it and is the envy of all his friends.
My success story and I hope it helps ---> http://www.venusindex.com/roberta-saums-venus-index-transformation/
Well Said!!!!0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
I'm actually kind of disgusted by this response. No woman should be pressured into doing things she's uncomfortable with for fear that her partner won't be faithful. That's just wrong on so many levels.
OP, if he's truly disappointed in you for not losing weight, then I agree with irish_eyes... too damn bad for him. Your partner should love you for you and love you at ANY size. Our bodies change as we age. No matter what we do, we're never going to maintain our bodies for the rest of our lives. He needs to learn to love you body at every size, and so do you!
Now, if you are interested in getting more in touch with your sensual side, I highly recommend taking some sort of fitness class, like pole fitness, belly dancing, chair dancing, stripper aerobics etc. Sensual fitness classes are really popular right now, so I bet you can find a class near you. I've always been uncomfortable with my body in a sexual way too, but taking some pole classes really helped make me more comfortable with it, and embrace it as a beautiful and sexy body. But I do NOT advocate doing this solely so you can dress up for your husband. Do it because you want to learn to love your body and get into touch with your sensual side.
Couldn't have put it better myself!0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
By the way, this quote is so messed up. So we need to do everything our husbands request or they'll leave us for some one who will? What? If that were the case, let him go! Seriously.0 -
Men are funny and fairly simple. Often times I have found when a couple is in this state it is both parties fault. The woman for withdrawing emotionally and sexually. The man for losing empathy and compassion. I do not know your husband but I would bet that it’s not your weight he doesn’t like it’s your mental image of your weight. Sexier clothing, makeup and hair are ways women show the world what to think of them. Your husband wants this likely not because it makes you uncomfortable but because he is look for confidence and sexuality in you. I have to agree with the counseling suggestion since there is more than just pounds that need to be shed here.0
-
Sorry!Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
That sounds tough.
Seems like there's lots of ways to approach the problem.
The more you exercise, the more you will feel healthier, have normal hormones (and therefore drives), and generally feel better physically. Really, our female hormones can get whacked out!
Good news is that they can normalize by just eating right, exercise, sleep, reducing stress, etc.
As you continue to exercise and eat right, you'll feel better about yourself. You'll also feel happier when fit, and I think that's good for romantic moods, too!
The good news is, it sounds like he just wants you to "give" yourself to him, if you don't mind my saying it that way.
In otherwords, if you can set aside your current (and temporary!) imperfections long enough to meet his physical needs, it will be a step in the right direction. Let him know with your words and actions that you are working on things (your fitness), and ask him to be encouraging and supportive in return:)
It's nice that you're understanding toward your husband.
It would be nice if he could approach this problem in a more loving way.
But why escalate frustration by getting upset about it? you're doing a good job at that.0 -
Wow! There are some seriously unhelpful replies on here!
There is also the odd gem, limesublime is the best one I have read so far.
My husband loves me whatever size I am and finds me sexy however big I am; he only ever worries about my size for my mental and physical health. I would suggest perhaps you need to sit down and talk to him (coolly and calmly) about how his criticism makes you feel and how to go forward with this and that it needs compromise on both sides.
It has taken me a long time to come around to the sexy lingerie thing and even then I don't do the thong thing (I do not want floss up my crack!), I do shorties or bigger knickers that are lacy - means I look and feel sexy without being uncomfy!
If you really want go for serious structural engineering, try (the very 50s - there were some seriously sexy and glam women in that era) girdles, suspender belts, bustiers, stockings kind of thing. Go the whole hog and get a really good corset They can be very sexy, hide a lot of wobbly bits and make you feel fab and glam; just go to a good company such as http://www.secretsinlace.com/category/Bettie_Page_Vintage_Lingerie_Collection . Charge it to his credit card, he can't complain 
My husband will spend money on nice lingerie/corsetry without complaint as long as he gets to see it once in a while 
Hope everything gets better for you both.0 -
I can sympathise, it's very difficult to dress sexy for someone when you don't believe he sees you that way. It can feel like donning someone else's persona rather than being yourself, whereas with someone who can't keep their hands off you, you'd have the confidence to do anything. Size has nothing to do with it when someone is totally accepting of you.0
-
If you husband can't accept and love you the way you are then he doesn't deseve you at all. Wear what you're comfortable wearing and don't change yourself for the amusment of someone else.
And should he just accept that his wife won't try something to make him happy? There are two people in a relationship, surely the man deserves to be happy too...Is it really that tough to put on lingerie in your own bedroom, he's not asking for whips and chains and 3somes with models! Besides, he is obviously attracted to you or he wouldn't even be asking you to dress up for him in the first place! Compromise, it doesn't have to be a thong or some fishnet bodystocking...just a little tasteful black lace would probably do the trick!
ETA: The man just wants a little something hot from his wife...it's totally normal. I guarantee if you do it he'll be a bit more supportive of you losing weight in the hope that you'll do it again 0 -
Well if someone else will, run fast. However, I think he needs to be patient. Make a compromise with him to do it slowly. You should do something that will make you doubt yourself and not make you uncomfortable.0
-
Suggestion: Lane Bryant has some really cute things...but with that being said....perhaps your husband is a big part of the problem why you don't feel sexy.....I divorced my last husband...he was always putting me down...talking about my weight....he was nothing to brag about I assure you....he just got off on making me feel bad about myself....if he constantly talks about your weight, how can you feel good about yourself? Perhaps, you need to have a heart to heart with him.....I'm sure he has something about him that is not appealing as well...everyone does usually...with that being said...sure if you don't take care of him he may stray....but what the HECK....women who take care of their men still stray....so that's no guarantee.. but it is part of marriage and relationships I feel to care about making the other person happy....perhaps, you should have a date night out...rent a cabin in the woods or something...you take control of the situation...as you get older, I think hormones along with jobs and duties take a toll....just saying....check out Lane Bryant...they have cute sexy stuff and online stores are too numerous to list....good luck!!0
-
screw him.
it is your body, don't ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
if he keeps pushing, that's just abuse, plain and simple.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
Yeah, all of THIS.
If he's going to leave you because you won't wear sexier things for him, he's a douche and you need to divorce him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you are UNCOMFORTABLE with. Especially just to "please your man". Yuck.0 -
I've been in this situation, well sort of, we weren't married and I'm not 'big' by doctors standards, but I have anorexia so it's how I see myself. My ex kept pushing me into doing things I didn't want to, I did it because I didn't want to lose him but it made me feel more self conscious about myself. People will give you different opinions on this and I can only give you mine from my experience, my ex had alot of control over me and still does, and I did what he wanted but he still cheated, if someone doesn't love you for you now, they won't love you when you've lost the weight. Attraction is completely different to love, this is my opinion and I get alot of people won't agree with me but oh well, love is everlasting and it's unconditional, like I still love my ex even after everything he put me through, I can't help it, but when you're attracted to someone you like them for their looks.Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
I was still speaking to my ex (he told me he loves me still) and last week I basically poured my heart out to him yet again, I didn't think I would get the response I wanted but I didn't think he would say what he said, he asked if I wanted to meet up for sex, I said no and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not saying all guys are like him but I'm just saying he asked, didn't get what he wanted, has cut me off and he apparently loves me? No, he just wanted sex. If he loved me like he said he did a)he wouldn't have cheated, b) he would've accepted me as I am and wouldn't have tried to change me and c) he would still be talking to me now even after I said no to hooking up. If I'm going to change for whatever reason, I'm going to change for me, not him or anyone else and if someone can't accept me for who I am then they're not worth my time and they don't really love me. And as for your body issues, I have body dismorphia and the only thing that has really helped is counselling, sometimes hearing what a stranger thinks of you is really helpful xxx0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.9K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.8K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.7K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 399 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.8K Motivation and Support
- 7.9K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.4K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 978 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.4K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions