Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't
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People often say that life is short, but life can seem quite long when you're miserable. In your post you seem so unhappy, and I can't help but wonder, what do you do for yourself to make you feel sexy? Husband aside for a moment, you need to feel good about yourself for yourself first.
What it will take for you to feel good about yourself in this moment is totally up to you. But no matter what you weigh or what you look like, you are a person who deserves to feel good and be happy everyday. Talk to your husband about your feelings. If he's disappointed in you because you won't wear sexy lingerie, tell him about your reservations. Perhaps there's room for compromise (i.e. you won't wear sexy lingerie yet, but ten pounds from now you'll consider wearing an item of his choosing, for instance). I don't think that you should feel pressured to wear the lingerie, though; there are others ways to look, feel and be sexy.
I'm not married, so I don't really want to make too many comments about your marital situation, but it seems to me that if your husband is asking you to look a certain way for him it is because he loves you and has no plans to be with another woman, so him going somewhere else doesn't seem to apply. I wish you the best and hope that you start being sexy for yourself right now.
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Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
First of all, thank you for that.
Anyways, I've definitely been there, and still am there a lot of the time. My boyfriend doesn't ask me to dress like anything - he honestly doesn't care if I wear a potato sack or a sexy nurse outfit. However, I feel like he deserves a girl that looks better, and I've been trying to feel better about myself so I can make myself look better. I am not try to bash him at all , it is I don't think they see them self as we do.
Start off small - you dont need to go from t shirts to full on lingerie. Try putting on a little makeup, and see how you feel, do your hair, even if you're just staying in, wear a V neck shirt instead of a crew neck - stuff like that. Go to the store and buy slightly "sexier" underwear. You dont have to go straight for lacy thongs, maybe get boy shorts with lace trim or a cute print?
Those are some things I have done.
Hope it helps.
this is good you and your husband will feel better. and also I have to ask is he overwaight ? and if so tell him how you feel about that ,and do it in a calm way, because I think a lot of older men out there need to take a long look in the looking glass at them self , they may see that thier wife is not the only one that need help.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Wow
Yeah, all the women agreeing with this must be really insecure and with TOTAL douche bags, and probably have a whole set of issues themselves. I see divorce in their near future. Sorry, I know how badly it sucks to be insecure, but to be with a total douche is your own doing. We no longer live in the age of living to please our men.
I dye my hair green (Go Pack!) my boyfriend HATES when I dye my hair pretty colors. He teases me a little about it, but nothing mean. I know that he truly does hate it though. I do it to make ME happy. He can take his little opinions elsewhere because I do what I do for ME and if he can't handle that, then he can go somewhere else. If he wanted a woman with silky, long brown hair like I used to have, he could go find her. Know why he doesn't? Because hair is superficial. Did he stop putting out the instant I came back to bed with green hair? NOPE. Not at all.
He also had a problem with my piercings. I kept them anyway. Did he stop putting out for that? NOPE.
Did he EVER stop loving me for any of the above? NOPE. Surely not. He realizes that I am my own woman and I'll make the decisions on my appearance. I'm confident that he's not going to go out and find someone else who has all the assets he desires. I am the center of his adoration, green hair and all.
Really, saying a man will leave a woman for not wearing sexy clothes is as superficial as any of the things I've placed above on this list.
OP, if you aren't comfortable, don't wear them. If you feel secure in your relationship, then he should understand and not push you into doing something you don't want to do. I stopped wearing sexy clothes when I gained all my weight. They simply didn't fit anymore. Three entire drawers of them, actually. Did my man stop loving me? NOPE. If he's a real MAN and he LOVES you, then he's not going to find someone else. If he does, then you totally deserve better than that.
I truly feel sorry for all these women who hold the quoted section to be a truth. And the men that agree with that, well, you're douche bags as well and will hopefully find a good woman and let her go over something stupid and then regret it the rest of your life.
I think long term relationships are somehow out of these "If you don't do it someone else will" crowd's comprehension. At least a GOOD one.
This. I've been with my husband for 17 years and he loves me however I look. Two children, a hysterectomy, and 60 lbs more than when we met and he still tells me I'm cute. Just be who you are. Buy lingerie if YOU want to. Life is too short for all of the worry!0 -
My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up.I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time.
Well frankly he just needs to make his mind up.
Either he is okay with you feeling disgusted with your body, as he is making it clear that he doesn't like heavy women i.e. you.
OR he wants you to feel sexy despite the fact that you're a heavy woman.
Show him this thread.
Slap his face and tell him he's being a prize *kitten*.
Then ask him why he thinks he can make it clear to you that he finds you unattractive AND at the same time expect you to behave confidently in sexy underwear.
He clearly doesn't have a clue about your feelings. You'll have to do his thinking for him. This might be something you're used to, he doesn't sound too emotionally adult.0 -
Men are funny and fairly simple. Often times I have found when a couple is in this state it is both parties fault. The woman for withdrawing emotionally and sexually. The man for losing empathy and compassion. I do not know your husband but I would bet that it’s not your weight he doesn’t like it’s your mental image of your weight. Sexier clothing, makeup and hair are ways women show the world what to think of them. Your husband wants this likely not because it makes you uncomfortable but because he is look for confidence and sexuality in you. I have to agree with the counseling suggestion since there is more than just pounds that need to be shed here.
This.0 -
Honestly, there's just so much self-loathing in your post that I can't tell whether you are accurately reporting about your husband, or projecting your own self-hatred onto him. Right now, it seems you are stuck in a cycle of not feeling sexy -> not doing anything sexy -> feeling even less sexy -> doing even fewer sexy things. So, I'm going to second the advice of the person who said to do something to pamper yourself physically, as well as the advice of the person who suggested counseling.
this^^ love yourself please
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Try somewhere like Lane Bryant that caters to plus sizes. Find something sexy, even if it's a little out of your comfort zone.
Then, go home and set the mood. This is more for you than him. Light some candles, put on whatever music gets you in the mood. Take a nice long shower or bath to relax. Just basically take an hour or so to get your mind settled. I find that doing all of this, taping the time for me helps me to feel sexy. And when you feel sexy, you are sexy.0 -
Time for a calm, reasonable conversation with the husband, which should include the following:
"When you tell me you don't like how big I am, the last thing I feel like doing is trying to be sexy or wear lingerie for you. I already feel bad about the way I look and I don't need you to tell me that. I'm trying to lose weight, and I'm not comfortable with wearing lingerie for you when I already know you don't like the way I look. If you want me to be more sexual, you need to help me feel sexy. Maybe we can go shopping for a nightie together and go out for dinner afterward. Romance and compliments really help me get into the mood, but criticism is killing it."
This makes your needs clear, and gives him a way he can help. It also tells him very clearly what is going to kill any chances of your wanting him to come near you. Maybe you can also suggest a date night every couple of weeks, so you get that romantic gesture, and make sure you dress up for him and let him know you have some pretty lacy something underneath for his eyes only, later. There's give and take that has to happen on both sides for this to work. And under no circumstances during your date do you self-critique. It doesn't make either of you feel romantic.0 -
Yeah, all of THIS.
If he's going to leave you because you won't wear sexier things for him, he's a douche and you need to divorce him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you are UNCOMFORTABLE with. Especially just to "please your man". Yuck.Oh sure, DIVORCE him just because he wants you to wear sexier clothes... That's rational. People wonder why there is so much divorce....
*rolls eyes*
K, never did I say divorce him because he wants her to wear sexier clothes. I said "If he's GOING TO LEAVE YOU because you won't comply with his uncomfortable demands then he is a DOUCHE and she should leave him" because that is wrong. If he cheats because she won't be sexy for him, she should stay? You need to read before commenting. Just saying...0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Empathy at it's finest....smh
I think in order to feel sexy for him, you have to feel sexy for you....you know? I completely understand your predicament. You'll get there though. You're on the right track. He needs to be more patient and more understanding. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy on the outside when she isn't comfortable in her own skin.
^^ My thoughts exactly.
My wife is also on this site, trying to get fit and healthy. From the moment I met her I thought she was sexy as hell! Her weight didn't make a difference to me; she's feminine and has curves and, at least to me, that's what a woman is supposed to have. I used to ask her to dress in more sexy undies and such for me, until I realised why she resisted; I may find her sexy, but she doesn't think of herself that way.
I don't agree with the 'step out of your comfort zone' opinion. I know that if my wife put of something 'sexy' she would feel uncomfortable, so I'd feel uncomfortable and it would just hit her confidence. I'm sure it would be the same for most women who feel uncomfortable with their weight/appearance. Your husband needs to learn to appreciate this fact and wait for you; if he's a decent bloke (which I'm assuming he is as you married him) then he will learn to be patient.
I'm confused by you saying he lets you know he doesn't like heavy women, and yet he asks you to wear sexier clothing... Does that mean he doesn't see you as heavy? Is it his weird way of trying to encourage you not to slip? I think you two need to sit down and talk about these things. Let him know how you feel, about how you feel uncomfortable and ask him to be honest about how he views you as it sounds like he's sending mixed messages which I'm sure isn't helping.
I hope things straighten out for you as I'm sure this process is easier with the support of the person you love.0 -
Nice to hear a intelligent male response. I think you have some really good points. To the original poster stay true to yourself don't give up and you will get where you want to go. Good luck.As a man, I have to put my two cents in. First, I'll say that men do not notice the little flaws that ladies do. The things that you hate about yourself, he may actually love. I don't want to say, get out of your comfort zone, he'll go elsewhere, etc. Because I wouldn't, and never have. Not all men are complete *kitten*. If yours would, then maybe it's time to just move on and find one who loves you for you, not for what you do or don't wear, or what number shows up on the scale. All that being said, I think you need to stop worrying so much about how your body looks. You're working on it, and I encourage you to not give up.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Sorry I did not read the whole thread but I read this and thought: some people really like to project their own problems on other people....0 -
Leave the husband, find a counselor or therapist who will help you to love your body.
And don't give up! You can do it, and you can do it for YOU.0 -
I dont even know where to begin. I appreciate some of the users honesty however if a man is going to "look somewhere else" if you dont wear lingerie that is incredibly selfish and shallow. I completely agree with the suggestions of working on it together. If you are working hard a trying to achieve your goals yet your husband is disappointed it takes great strength for me to bite my tongue to not post what I wish to say about that. I met my husband and I was 65lbs lighter, not even a year after we were married I had gotten ill, was put on a number of medications all at different doses and gained weight so quickly. I was ashamed, insecure, disgusted and my husband knew it but he never made me feel any less of a person than the first day we were together. He knew I was very unhappy but continued to support me and was so very patient with me. I am very lucky to say that he understood how I was feeling and why and never tried to make me do something that was out of my comfort zone. Like the one poster said, I tried doing small things like hair, makeup, and the boy shorts with nice lace trim with a cute tank top. I also then asked my husband to come to the gym with me in which he signed up right away and we met everyday. When I had my down times and would cry and ask my husband why was he with me and how could he love me the same he always said I never married the # on the scale its who I married. His commitment to me and support made me want to work harder. I had done ALOT of research as I wasnt getting any results....the past year I have changed my life dramatically. My first mission was to try to get off as much of the medication that I could, recently I just got done to taking only one medication at a low dosage! We again have increased our activity, I can stay awake the whole day instead of being extremely exhausted and I changed what I was taking in for food/the times of day I would eat/snacks etc. So far within the last month and a half I have lost 7lbs, it was a slow start but now being more consistant. WIth it working this way I am feeling much more better, I am happy that I am finally seeing results which then makes me happier in my relationship and my husband is happy for me. He has said before his vows were said for a reason and will quote the in sickness and in health part. True love should be this way and I know you didnt want anyone man bashing, I understand but he should be supporting you in a more positive way and not making you feel worse about yourself. Do this for you and not for him, your own determination and hard work will make you succeed. Husband or not this is your body and your feelings. Make yourself happy and feel worth it lingerie or not. Good luck!0
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I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe this has been said, but maybe you could explain to him that he can't express disappointment in you, make it known that he doesn't like heavy women and finds you to be heavy, AND expect you to flaunt yourself to him. If he is truly expressing his distaste to you, and it's not just you being insecure and reading his mind, then you are in a double bind and won't win anytime soon.0
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He enjoys his woman in sexy clothing? He wants her to put in effort and try to stay in shape? He has an opinion about his woman that doesn't parrot her opinion?
The audacity!!0 -
My wife andI love the show "What not to wear". Have you ever seen that? I realize its easier said than done, but don't cheat yourself AND don't cheat your husband either.
I litle grooming goes a long way.
Best to you.0 -
He enjoys his woman in sexy clothing? He wants her to put in effort and try to stay in shape? He has an opinion about his woman that doesn't parrot her opinion?
The audacity!!
No, if he is acting as OP says he is, he is telling her he doesn't like her body as it is now and then wanting her to show it off to him. That's the audacity.
Like a woman expressing to her man that she wishes he didn't have moobs and a beer gut and then *****ing that he never walks around topless.0 -
Awww....don't sweat it babe. His girlfriend will. Don't put undue pressure on yourself.
Yes, because pressuring a woman into doing something she's uncomfortable with is DEFINITELY the best option. Way to be a flaming *kitten*.
Please note, the OP never said she had a problem having sex, she's just uncomfortable putting on something sexy and strutting her stuff, which frankly, is a really nerve-wracking thing to do.
There are compromises in this scenario. It's not "wear lingerie or get cheated on" and suggesting that those are the only options is short sighted, chauvinistic, and narrow sighted. The OP needs to chat with her husband about her concerns, his feelings on the subject, and how they can meet each other halfway. Communication is the basis of any good relationship.
Wow...a flaming *kitten*....that hurts. :sad:
Please tell me you don't REALLY think I'm hoping her husband cheats on her. While most of you are running to her defense, I don't see anything wrong with her husband asking her to step a little out of her comfort zone....who knows, maybe it'll help her feel sexy. She's not even trying. He's not asking her to bang a donkey, he's just asking her to try some sexy lingerie in the privacy of her their own home. Apparently he likes the new her with the weight she's lost.....heaven forbid that he want to share his excitement with her. Yeah, def better for her to stay in her shell.0 -
Yeah, all of THIS.
If he's going to leave you because you won't wear sexier things for him, he's a douche and you need to divorce him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you are UNCOMFORTABLE with. Especially just to "please your man". Yuck.Oh sure, DIVORCE him just because he wants you to wear sexier clothes... That's rational. People wonder why there is so much divorce.... *rolls eyes*
K, never did I say divorce him because he wants her to wear sexier clothes. I said "If he's GOING TO LEAVE YOU because you won't comply with his uncomfortable demands then he is a DOUCHE and she should leave him" because that is wrong. If he cheats because she won't be sexy for him, she should stay? You need to read before commenting. Just saying...
K, never did the OP say that he was going to leave her if she didn't dress up in lingerie, that was added by a previous poster. Perhaps you ought to read the entire thread before posting. Also, I don't take advice from people who say 'just saying' to underline the fact that they're just saying something, just saying, because I know you're just saying it, just saying, because you just said it.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
^^this0 -
dont wear it until you feel sexy!
achieve and then reward yourself if not
i find it that you will stop before you finish the "race"0 -
Is he worth it? If so (because mine is) then compromise. My husband just wants me to be healthy but likes the lingerie. I feel yuck as well so he doesn't get it often. Best lingerie for us larger women is the netted body suit. It hides many flaws and that is the only time makeup goes on my face. Then maybe the next day have a talk with him about your feelings and they are hurting. My husband is aware so when he gets me dressed up he appreciates it. Both members of the relationship need to bend a bit. 0
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Is your husband perfect? How dare any man treat any woman with such disrespect. If you love someone it's not about how they look. As for the comments about him finding it somewhere else if you don't bow to his demands.....well I despair to think that there are women in the 21st century thinking like Victorians. You do what you can to please YOU and remember beauty comes from withing. Sounds to me like your husband is totally undermining your self esteem. Tell him to wear the sexy underwear himself!!!
I just *had* to *say* "I love this reply."0 -
Is your husband perfect? How dare any man treat any woman with such disrespect. If you love someone it's not about how they look. As for the comments about him finding it somewhere else if you don't bow to his demands.....well I despair to think that there are women in the 21st century thinking like Victorians. You do what you can to please YOU and remember beauty comes from withing. Sounds to me like your husband is totally undermining your self esteem. Tell him to wear the sexy underwear himself!!!
I just *had* to *say* "I love this reply."
Totally agree 0 -
Is your husband perfect? How dare any man treat any woman with such disrespect. If you love someone it's not about how they look. As for the comments about him finding it somewhere else if you don't bow to his demands.....well I despair to think that there are women in the 21st century thinking like Victorians. You do what you can to please YOU and remember beauty comes from withing. Sounds to me like your husband is totally undermining your self esteem. Tell him to wear the sexy underwear himself!!!
I just *had* to *say* "I love this reply."
If you only want to please 'YOU' and only are willing to 'do what you want to please YOU' then you should not be in a relationship.0 -
Something occurred to me, reflecting on this as I was reading all the replies...perhaps he doesn't mean "sexy" perhaps he mean a bit more feminine...I used to wear the most god-awful huge t-shirts to sleep in and wore sweats and or mens' flannel pj pants...even when I was thinner...One day I looked down my front and thought..."something pretty would be nice" So, I bought a very pretty nightgown with flowers on it, I was very pleased with how it looked and more importantly how I *felt.* I now only wear mens' flannel pj's when I cannot find very pretty women's flannel pj's and ALL of my night things are feminine/flowery and trust me when I say, I am NOT a 'froo froo' girl. I think we own to ourselves to look the best we can look. And believe me, I love my sloppy shorts/pants and t-shirts as much as anyone.
Best to you,
-Pennie0 -
Is your husband perfect? How dare any man treat any woman with such disrespect. If you love someone it's not about how they look. As for the comments about him finding it somewhere else if you don't bow to his demands.....well I despair to think that there are women in the 21st century thinking like Victorians. You do what you can to please YOU and remember beauty comes from withing. Sounds to me like your husband is totally undermining your self esteem. Tell him to wear the sexy underwear himself!!!
I just *had* to *say* "I love this reply."
If you only want to please 'YOU' and only are willing to 'do what you want to please YOU' then you should not be in a relationship.
THIS THIS THIS0 -
I would so go for it!! He thinks ur sexyy!! thats hot.. drink some wine or smoke something (take the edge off) and DO IT lol0
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Id wear ANYTHING my man asked me to wear...
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