Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't
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Men don't see all the fat that us women see in ourself. I am proud of you for losing the 39 pounds! Let me tell you, I lost 95 pounds...and still see all my fat and what I don't like in the mirror. You have to love and accept you. Men like thier women to dress up for them sometimes, and they just see us as sexy even if we don't.0
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My thoughts are that he should be supportive of you. He should help motivate you. I know it is difficult for you and maybe for him as well, but two people who love each other should try hard to stick together and work it out. Have you tried to do things for yourself to help yourself feel sexy? For example: get your nails done, get your hair done, maybe try out professionally done makeup (doesn't have to be a lot), look for pieces of clothing that you love and that will flatter your body. Look in the mirror and pick out things that you love about yourself. Don't rip yourself apart. You have to start by loving yourself...even if it's just one thing at a time.0
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I get the whole big T-shirt thing but it actually has the opposite effect--instead of covering stuff it can just make you look bigger than you are & make you feel worse about yourself. My suggestions would be to start small--invest in some cuter/sexier bra/underwear combos that you can show--or not, if you feel self-conscious when it comes down to it. Don't wear baggy stuff, but more fitting clothes and/or clothes with some stretch or slimming panels. Give yourself a break--39 out of 88 pounds lost is nearly halfway there!0
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First of all women are more about feelings and as your husband, should be lifting you up and doing things to make you feel special. If you don't feel special you won't feel sexy. If he really wanted the sexy nighties on you--why doesn't he go shopping and buy you one???? He should look at your clothes-see what size you are- and get off his behind and go shopping!0
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If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Wow Nice! I bet that made her feel better...
Hang in there and try baby steps maby something slinky that covers but peeks your legs??
Keep up the good work0 -
If you husband can't accept and love you the way you are then he doesn't deseve you at all. Wear what you're comfortable wearing and don't change yourself for the amusment of someone else.
And should he just accept that his wife won't try something to make him happy? There are two people in a relationship, surely the man deserves to be happy too...Is it really that tough to put on lingerie in your own bedroom, he's not asking for whips and chains and 3somes with models! Besides, he is obviously attracted to you or he wouldn't even be asking you to dress up for him in the first place! Compromise, it doesn't have to be a thong or some fishnet bodystocking...just a little tasteful black lace would probably do the trick!
ETA: The man just wants a little something hot from his wife...it's totally normal. I guarantee if you do it he'll be a bit more supportive of you losing weight in the hope that you'll do it again
This is about the BEST response. You really need to give it a try. If he is asking you to do it, then he MUST see the change in your weight loss already. Start simple. Put on some lipstick, put your hair up, and get a black lacey nightgown. Doesn't have to reveal anything...just above the knees and sexy looking. I bet that would make him feel that you are willing to try.0 -
Well, I won't even go into what I think of him for making you feel that way about your size since you don't want a man-bashing.
But if he's wanting to see you in lingerie, even at your higher weight, he obviously stills finds you sexy in some way or another..or he wouldn't want to see more of you like that.
Maybe try finding a couple "babydoll" nightgowns with some ruffled panties or something..doesn't even have to be a sheer one or thongs or anything and will still be sexy. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe tell him your clothes with get sexier and you get smaller and gain confidence, but that he needs to be supportive in order to get there. Suggest exercising together, taking hikes, walking, anything to get a workout in along with spending time together. If food is the problem, find some good healthy recipes and cook them together. Try to make normal things romantic on your journey to getting healthier.0 -
I'd suggest counseling for both of you. You shouldn't hate your body so much. He shouldn't constantly remind you of your weight.
This.0 -
There are plenty of stores that cater to plus size women, try some lingerie or sexier clothes on until you find the ones that hide the things you want to hide and shows the things you don't. I agree, it doesn't have to be an all the time thing but once in a while will show your husband you are willing to step out of your comfort zone for him and who knows, you may find it's not so bad.0
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Awww....don't sweat it babe. His girlfriend will. Don't put undue pressure on yourself.
Yes, because pressuring a woman into doing something she's uncomfortable with is DEFINITELY the best option. Way to be a flaming *kitten*.
Please note, the OP never said she had a problem having sex, she's just uncomfortable putting on something sexy and strutting her stuff, which frankly, is a really nerve-wracking thing to do.
There are compromises in this scenario. It's not "wear lingerie or get cheated on" and suggesting that those are the only options is short sighted, chauvinistic, and narrow sighted. The OP needs to chat with her husband about her concerns, his feelings on the subject, and how they can meet each other halfway. Communication is the basis of any good relationship.0 -
People often say that life is short, but life can seem quite long when you're miserable. In your post you seem so unhappy, and I can't help but wonder, what do you do for yourself to make you feel sexy? Husband aside for a moment, you need to feel good about yourself for yourself first.
What it will take for you to feel good about yourself in this moment is totally up to you. But no matter what you weigh or what you look like, you are a person who deserves to feel good and be happy everyday. Talk to your husband about your feelings. If he's disappointed in you because you won't wear sexy lingerie, tell him about your reservations. Perhaps there's room for compromise (i.e. you won't wear sexy lingerie yet, but ten pounds from now you'll consider wearing an item of his choosing, for instance). I don't think that you should feel pressured to wear the lingerie, though; there are others ways to look, feel and be sexy.
I'm not married, so I don't really want to make too many comments about your marital situation, but it seems to me that if your husband is asking you to look a certain way for him it is because he loves you and has no plans to be with another woman, so him going somewhere else doesn't seem to apply. I wish you the best and hope that you start being sexy for yourself right now.
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QUOTE:
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
First of all, thank you for that.
Anyways, I've definitely been there, and still am there a lot of the time. My boyfriend doesn't ask me to dress like anything - he honestly doesn't care if I wear a potato sack or a sexy nurse outfit. However, I feel like he deserves a girl that looks better, and I've been trying to feel better about myself so I can make myself look better. I am not try to bash him at all , it is I don't think they see them self as we do.
Start off small - you dont need to go from t shirts to full on lingerie. Try putting on a little makeup, and see how you feel, do your hair, even if you're just staying in, wear a V neck shirt instead of a crew neck - stuff like that. Go to the store and buy slightly "sexier" underwear. You dont have to go straight for lacy thongs, maybe get boy shorts with lace trim or a cute print?
Those are some things I have done.
Hope it helps.
this is good you and your husband will feel better. and also I have to ask is he overwaight ? and if so tell him how you feel about that ,and do it in a calm way, because I think a lot of older men out there need to take a long look in the looking glass at them self , they may see that thier wife is not the only one that need help.0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Wow
Yeah, all the women agreeing with this must be really insecure and with TOTAL douche bags, and probably have a whole set of issues themselves. I see divorce in their near future. Sorry, I know how badly it sucks to be insecure, but to be with a total douche is your own doing. We no longer live in the age of living to please our men.
I dye my hair green (Go Pack!) my boyfriend HATES when I dye my hair pretty colors. He teases me a little about it, but nothing mean. I know that he truly does hate it though. I do it to make ME happy. He can take his little opinions elsewhere because I do what I do for ME and if he can't handle that, then he can go somewhere else. If he wanted a woman with silky, long brown hair like I used to have, he could go find her. Know why he doesn't? Because hair is superficial. Did he stop putting out the instant I came back to bed with green hair? NOPE. Not at all.
He also had a problem with my piercings. I kept them anyway. Did he stop putting out for that? NOPE.
Did he EVER stop loving me for any of the above? NOPE. Surely not. He realizes that I am my own woman and I'll make the decisions on my appearance. I'm confident that he's not going to go out and find someone else who has all the assets he desires. I am the center of his adoration, green hair and all.
Really, saying a man will leave a woman for not wearing sexy clothes is as superficial as any of the things I've placed above on this list.
OP, if you aren't comfortable, don't wear them. If you feel secure in your relationship, then he should understand and not push you into doing something you don't want to do. I stopped wearing sexy clothes when I gained all my weight. They simply didn't fit anymore. Three entire drawers of them, actually. Did my man stop loving me? NOPE. If he's a real MAN and he LOVES you, then he's not going to find someone else. If he does, then you totally deserve better than that.
I truly feel sorry for all these women who hold the quoted section to be a truth. And the men that agree with that, well, you're douche bags as well and will hopefully find a good woman and let her go over something stupid and then regret it the rest of your life.
I think long term relationships are somehow out of these "If you don't do it someone else will" crowd's comprehension. At least a GOOD one.
This. I've been with my husband for 17 years and he loves me however I look. Two children, a hysterectomy, and 60 lbs more than when we met and he still tells me I'm cute. Just be who you are. Buy lingerie if YOU want to. Life is too short for all of the worry!0 -
My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up.I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time.
Well frankly he just needs to make his mind up.
Either he is okay with you feeling disgusted with your body, as he is making it clear that he doesn't like heavy women i.e. you.
OR he wants you to feel sexy despite the fact that you're a heavy woman.
Show him this thread.
Slap his face and tell him he's being a prize *kitten*.
Then ask him why he thinks he can make it clear to you that he finds you unattractive AND at the same time expect you to behave confidently in sexy underwear.
He clearly doesn't have a clue about your feelings. You'll have to do his thinking for him. This might be something you're used to, he doesn't sound too emotionally adult.0 -
Men are funny and fairly simple. Often times I have found when a couple is in this state it is both parties fault. The woman for withdrawing emotionally and sexually. The man for losing empathy and compassion. I do not know your husband but I would bet that it’s not your weight he doesn’t like it’s your mental image of your weight. Sexier clothing, makeup and hair are ways women show the world what to think of them. Your husband wants this likely not because it makes you uncomfortable but because he is look for confidence and sexuality in you. I have to agree with the counseling suggestion since there is more than just pounds that need to be shed here.
This.0 -
Honestly, there's just so much self-loathing in your post that I can't tell whether you are accurately reporting about your husband, or projecting your own self-hatred onto him. Right now, it seems you are stuck in a cycle of not feeling sexy -> not doing anything sexy -> feeling even less sexy -> doing even fewer sexy things. So, I'm going to second the advice of the person who said to do something to pamper yourself physically, as well as the advice of the person who suggested counseling.
this^^ love yourself please
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Try somewhere like Lane Bryant that caters to plus sizes. Find something sexy, even if it's a little out of your comfort zone.
Then, go home and set the mood. This is more for you than him. Light some candles, put on whatever music gets you in the mood. Take a nice long shower or bath to relax. Just basically take an hour or so to get your mind settled. I find that doing all of this, taping the time for me helps me to feel sexy. And when you feel sexy, you are sexy.0 -
Time for a calm, reasonable conversation with the husband, which should include the following:
"When you tell me you don't like how big I am, the last thing I feel like doing is trying to be sexy or wear lingerie for you. I already feel bad about the way I look and I don't need you to tell me that. I'm trying to lose weight, and I'm not comfortable with wearing lingerie for you when I already know you don't like the way I look. If you want me to be more sexual, you need to help me feel sexy. Maybe we can go shopping for a nightie together and go out for dinner afterward. Romance and compliments really help me get into the mood, but criticism is killing it."
This makes your needs clear, and gives him a way he can help. It also tells him very clearly what is going to kill any chances of your wanting him to come near you. Maybe you can also suggest a date night every couple of weeks, so you get that romantic gesture, and make sure you dress up for him and let him know you have some pretty lacy something underneath for his eyes only, later. There's give and take that has to happen on both sides for this to work. And under no circumstances during your date do you self-critique. It doesn't make either of you feel romantic.0 -
Yeah, all of THIS.
If he's going to leave you because you won't wear sexier things for him, he's a douche and you need to divorce him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you are UNCOMFORTABLE with. Especially just to "please your man". Yuck.Oh sure, DIVORCE him just because he wants you to wear sexier clothes... That's rational. People wonder why there is so much divorce....
*rolls eyes*
K, never did I say divorce him because he wants her to wear sexier clothes. I said "If he's GOING TO LEAVE YOU because you won't comply with his uncomfortable demands then he is a DOUCHE and she should leave him" because that is wrong. If he cheats because she won't be sexy for him, she should stay? You need to read before commenting. Just saying...0 -
If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought
Empathy at it's finest....smh
I think in order to feel sexy for him, you have to feel sexy for you....you know? I completely understand your predicament. You'll get there though. You're on the right track. He needs to be more patient and more understanding. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy on the outside when she isn't comfortable in her own skin.
^^ My thoughts exactly.
My wife is also on this site, trying to get fit and healthy. From the moment I met her I thought she was sexy as hell! Her weight didn't make a difference to me; she's feminine and has curves and, at least to me, that's what a woman is supposed to have. I used to ask her to dress in more sexy undies and such for me, until I realised why she resisted; I may find her sexy, but she doesn't think of herself that way.
I don't agree with the 'step out of your comfort zone' opinion. I know that if my wife put of something 'sexy' she would feel uncomfortable, so I'd feel uncomfortable and it would just hit her confidence. I'm sure it would be the same for most women who feel uncomfortable with their weight/appearance. Your husband needs to learn to appreciate this fact and wait for you; if he's a decent bloke (which I'm assuming he is as you married him) then he will learn to be patient.
I'm confused by you saying he lets you know he doesn't like heavy women, and yet he asks you to wear sexier clothing... Does that mean he doesn't see you as heavy? Is it his weird way of trying to encourage you not to slip? I think you two need to sit down and talk about these things. Let him know how you feel, about how you feel uncomfortable and ask him to be honest about how he views you as it sounds like he's sending mixed messages which I'm sure isn't helping.
I hope things straighten out for you as I'm sure this process is easier with the support of the person you love.0
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