Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't
Replies
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Well what can I say ..... I weight 297 and I feel very sexy..... Talk about having a high self esteem LOL....0
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Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
I don't like it when a spouse ever disses their spouse or makes them feel bad but maybe in a way he feels less important that you won't dress up for him. You say you do when there is a reason to but you haven't had a reason, one of these nights make him be the reason to dress up and see if he his attitude would change. If he is still a jerk afterwards then he is just a jerk but right now it could be that he doesn't feel that you find him important enough to do those little things and may have nothing to do with your weight.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
I was losing faith in these posters, and then I saw your comment :happy:0 -
Yeah, all of THIS.
If he's going to leave you because you won't wear sexier things for him, he's a douche and you need to divorce him. You should never feel pressured into doing something you are UNCOMFORTABLE with. Especially just to "please your man". Yuck.Oh sure, DIVORCE him just because he wants you to wear sexier clothes... That's rational. People wonder why there is so much divorce....
*rolls eyes*
K, never did I say divorce him because he wants her to wear sexier clothes. I said "If he's GOING TO LEAVE YOU because you won't comply with his uncomfortable demands then he is a DOUCHE and she should leave him" because that is wrong. If he cheats because she won't be sexy for him, she should stay? You need to read before commenting. Just saying...
K, never did the OP say that he was going to leave her if she didn't dress up in lingerie, that was added by a previous poster. Perhaps you ought to read the entire thread before posting. Also, I don't take advice from people who say 'just saying' to underline the fact that they're just saying something, just saying, because I know you're just saying it, just saying, because you just said it.
I'll feed you, I suppose.
No he didn't say he would leave her but he seems to be very negative towards her looks and wants to push her into doing things she's not comfortable with. Calling her a hippie because she doesn't like makeup. Wanting her to wear things she doesn't want to.. These are DOUCHE-Y things to do as someone who is supposed to love you. She is obviously self conscious.
Still doesn't change the fact that if he continues to act this way, he needs to hit the road and she should divorce him. At the very least they need a compromise/therapy. Also doesn't change the fact that you spoke ignorantly about something I said and your reading comprehension is nil. But go ahead and tell me how I need to read before posting as well since you're just going to come back with ad hominem rhetoric as you did above. I don't take advice from trolls.
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Being someone who is definately NOT comfortable in her own skin, I understand how you are feeling. I hate to get dressed in my everyday clothes not just the sexy night time wear. You do need to ask him though why he wants you in something sexier while he is telling you that you need to lose weight. Which I think is beyond awful. Love is supposed to be blind and he should be supporting you 100%. Keep your head up and stand up for yourself. When you get to the point where you FEEL sexy in YOUR own skin you will be able to look and feel sexy in anything you put on. Good luck with everything0
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I think your husband is telling you he thinks you are sexy as you are and would like to see you in some sexier clothes. If he didn't think you were sexy he wouldn't be suggesting it. take it as a compliment and buy something sexy and turn him on and enjoy the benefits :-) Just my two cents.....0
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Sounds like he's a real winner to me. Sorry to say, but if you're married, you're supposed to support one another on everything. He should be happy that you're trying to better yourself. And you say you're doing it for you, but the way he acts and how he says that type of stuff to you, are you sure you're not doing it for him too? Personally I say he's not worth it. I wouldn't want to have to worry about my husband cheating on me because I refuse to wear something I'm uncomfortable in. I would never want to be with someone like that either personally. Maybe I'm just lucky I have someone who is supportive of me.0
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Though i am a firm believer in not doing things you're not comfy with, a relationship takes compromise and communication. If all someone does is focus on themselves, and not consider the other, then it's not a relationship.
Talk to him about how you feel and how he makes you feel. Maybe his responses will surprise you0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
I agree with this.0 -
I guess I don't know how y'all relationship is bit I can say this for mine I have asked m wife nearly the same thing more of a sexual move than clothing and she said she didn't feel feel comfortable and we got into an arguement yada. Yada now we r both trying to lose weight0
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You truly don't have to go into "raunchy" to look sexy, female and wonderful. There's wonderful clothing out there that's feminine and covers what you want without going into "raunchy". A pretty cami and pj pants or boy shorts.... Nice... A feminine nightgown that covers and isn't sheer is sexy without being there either.
Instead of that baggy old tshirt, try a tshirt that actually looks nice and fits with a pj or yoga type pants.
Get a new hairdo. Let a beautician in the local drugstore work on you and show you how to do a nice day look or smoky eye look and make him take you out to dinner.
Bet your self-esteem perks right up.0 -
Ok, I have been on MFP for over a year and I've stalled out a bit. Haven't lost any weight in months and re-injured an old back injury and am only now starting to get back on the workout track. Aerobics only, no weight training yet. I'm going slow because I couldn't work out at all for three months and I don't want that to happen again.
But I'm still huge and feeling so fat and uckie. My husband wants me to get some sexy lingerie for big women. I am resisting that because I feel anything but sexy and just want to cover up. I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.
He calls me a hippie because I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, and I tend not to wear sexy / skimpy clothes. He thinks it's because I was influenced as a child during the 60's and I don't like objectifying women. Well, I don't, but don't get me wrong, I do like to get dressed up when there's a reason to. There just hasn't been a reason to in a long time, and now when I try I'm just so gosh darn heavy I can't find anything that I can fit into let alone feel good in or even think I look good in when I do. I'll be realistic here, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who get's Jerseyfied, if you get my drift.
But I just don't know how to feel good about myself. I can't look in the mirror without absolutely wanting to vomit. (Not bulemia, the old bod is just too disgusting.) Anything skimpy / sexy just shows all the parts I'm embarassed to show. I'd rather wear a big t-shirt then a see through anything, and don't even talk about thongs. And this has my husband saying, "Why won't you do anything for me?" I get that he would like it, he just doesn't get where I am about it, or maybe he does and doesn't care.
Whose got advice? And please, I didn't post this to start a man bash, so don't do it.
The fact that your hubby wants to see you in sexy lingerie means he already KNOWS how sexy you truly are, (even if you don't feel that way). What's your favorite body part or attribute? Find something that emphasizes this & embrace it, girly! Once you do this, the validation you receive from your hubby (and hopefully yourself) may even help to jump start your fitness goals again. Keep up the good work!0 -
One of the things that I most appreciate about my husband is that even at my heaviest, he still found me sexy. He whistles and says silly complimentary things when he sees me undressed or half-dressed or bent over.
And because he still found me sexy, I still found me sexy.
Now, we're non-monogamous, so I have always been checking his evaluation against that of people who aren't in love with me...and apparently I really am sexy. Even with it taking two yards of cloth to go around my *kitten*.
He needs to articulate what he loves about you, and what he finds attractive. Not "Your butt would be gorgeous if you lost that extra weight." No. "I love your butt". Pure and simple. "Honey, when you bend over like that, I wanna (well, you get the idea...) ".
That builds confidence.
And if your form of sexy isn't his? Well, okay. Maybe you find you like corsets. (Real ones will nip in your belly, and you need help to get into and out of.....that's fun.) Get mileage out of what you do like, and then do a little fake-it-til-you-make-it stuff. Prime the pump, and pretty soon your head will be there too.0 -
you should totally do this. at first you may feel awkward but i bet once you see him love it you will too. your husband obviously sees you the size you are and it isnt bothering him and hes asking for it so hes clearly interested in you. confidence goes along way in a mens eyes but most of all if you do consider doing this in the end you most likely will see it was good for yourself esteem........guys dont see the things we dont like about ourselves especially when it comes to this0
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Sexiness is 90 percent from the brain. They do make sexy lingerie for larger sizes that cover the bad and accentuate the good. I wish you could find your sexiness and carry attitude with you to the mall. I did sexy photos- and flattering as they were, I acknowledge that I was not where I wanted to be, but it did feel good to celebrate my feminity...
I imagine this is what you husband would like to see- you looking at him with lusty eyes, having donned something pretty for him so he can love you as you are right now, beautiful, sexy, and feminine even as you are.0 -
Bump0
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http://www.hipsandcurves.com
has tons of stuff for the curvier of us all. I don't understand how you can say he doesn't like your shape when he is asking you to show more of it by wearing skimpier lingerie, BUT that being said your own intuition usually picks up on more than you can verbalize or explain on a website. If you think he is just trying to get you to be like somebody else that he is dreaming of, then it's not mutual, and will only strain the relationship more. But otherwise I say work on building your self esteem/confidence: take a belly dance class or go to a cheap salsa club every week for a month; do something that you've always wanted to do. When you accomplish it and gain confidence - he will be more attracted to your self-confidence and you will be more apt to receive his advances.
P.S.:
In case you don't realize it: Telling a man (your HUSBAND-no less) that he is not reason enough to dress up for or to look better for and that you would do it if you ever found a reason to is telling him, basically, that you don't give a crap about him! Then you topped it off by saying you WOULD give a crap if you found something worth it-it's just not him.....I mean, "OUCH!"
The saying goes: A woman builds or tears down her house with her own hands! I ask you which one are you doing?0 -
can i ask you somethin.. if he treats you like that why are you with him.. no man especially your partner should be mean to you about your weight... id stand up for yourself and dont let him get away with it0
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I cant even read all the replies.
I would say to try simple things first. Maybe a pretty colored low cut T-shirt / dorm shirt and a pair of pretty silky panties and just saunter around the house as though you were all alone and watch the look on his face (Ive done this since the day my fiance' got together under one roof) Maybe some scented lotions, lighted candles, a fresh fruit tray on the bedside table, dim lights soft music or something easy on tv. Just laying together talking, touching..........keep sex out of to begin with.
Do your hair and makeup, clean pretty jammie top and siky panties of some kind, fresh cologne, a special meal of finger foods. It WILL make you feel better too0 -
If you can't find something sexy about yourself now, then you'll still have trouble when you loose the weight. It's mental sexiness that's important. If you can't get your sassy on, then there's a deeper problem than the size of the nightie you don't want to slink into.
That said, if your hubby is constantly belittling you and making you feel like total crap all the time, then you need to make a few decisions. Being comfortable and feeling safe is important. If you don't have that now, then nighties aren't your problem.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
I agree with this.
A lot of things about this thread make me angry, because I think every self respecting partner should be on these ladies' teams.
First: "if you don't take care of your man someone else will;" Fine, let them. He's a *kitten*. Second, if he doesn't take care of you, TONS OF PEOPLE WILL JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO. Trust me. Don't let this guy apply some elitist Eurocentric mysoginistic beauty standard to you, and certainly don't internalize it. Seriously. People don't look or act how tv makes them out. Make a profile on okcupid or some other silly dating site and seriously, the new beaus will come crooning at your profile, I guarantee it! Even if you don't want to date them, just prove something to yourself- you're desirable no matter your size, age, or lingerie. Third, maybe you should ask yourself what this partner has done to take care of you recently, because lowering your self esteem sounds like a pretty handy tool to keep you subordinate. No one can make you feel bad about yourself, and when they do don't wallow in it. Meditate on it, if he doesn't like you after you obviously care so much about him, screw him, don't let that make you feel bad about you.
Even if a relationship is a give and take about getting out of your comfort zone-- low self esteem isn't a comfort zone thing. It borders on emotional abuse. Don't take it! Communicate how you feel when he asks you these things, tell him you worry about him not desiring you, and if that's what he wants you to feel, bail.
Even if this sounds "hysterical" (I'm a big angry bra burner by nature and sometimes I get on these message boards and read these women hating on themselves and want to hold them in my big feminist arms) seriously imagine if you received this in an email from your daughter (if you don't have one, take a minute to imagine what she'd be like aka amazing) and how you'd feel about her partner after reading a thing like this.0 -
Why not just try a nice black v neck and flattering jeans with some heels when he gets home. Clean and freshen yourself up and feel pretty for starters. Feminine appeal is sexy. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. My version of dressy for my husband is his t shirt with some shorts and doing my hair and make up. It's simple and he loves it.0
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This would be my suggestion as well. I think you have big problems here. You have a poor self-image because of your weight and your husband isn't trying to help build it up with his letting you know he doesn't like big women. How sexy you feel does NOT just come from within when you have a partner - they can make you feel sexy when you don't or vice versa.I'd suggest counseling for both of you. You shouldn't hate your body so much. He shouldn't constantly remind you of your weight.
I really think you need better communication and someone to help you work toward building up your self-confidence and him supporting you more.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
EXACTLY!!!0 -
Your husband finds you sexy! That's AWESOME! I say go for it. Get out of your comfort zone a bit. You don't have to dress skanky, just maybe a little more edgy than your normal go-to's. Baby steps, huh?
Our men get out of their comfort zones for us all the time and we appreciate it. My vote is that you return the favor. Who knows? When you see his reaction maybe it'll help boost your confidence a bit.0 -
Why the heck should you try to please him when he isn't supporting you? Although, I often do feel better about myself when I get all made up once in a while.0
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Sexiness is 90 percent from the brain.
Exactly.
Which is why this: "I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time." means that however much he begs and whines, he is a man who isn't going to be getting his wife into sexy clothes any time soon! :bigsmile:0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
I agree with this.
A lot of things about this thread make me angry, because I think every self respecting partner should be on these ladies' teams.
First: "if you don't take care of your man someone else will;" Fine, let them. He's a *kitten*. Second, if he doesn't take care of you, TONS OF PEOPLE WILL JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO. Trust me. Don't let this guy apply some elitist Eurocentric mysoginistic beauty standard to you, and certainly don't internalize it. Seriously. People don't look or act how tv makes them out. Make a profile on okcupid or some other silly dating site and seriously, the new beaus will come crooning at your profile, I guarantee it! Even if you don't want to date them, just prove something to yourself- you're desirable no matter your size, age, or lingerie. Third, maybe you should ask yourself what this partner has done to take care of you recently, because lowering your self esteem sounds like a pretty handy tool to keep you subordinate. No one can make you feel bad about yourself, and when they do don't wallow in it. Meditate on it, if he doesn't like you after you obviously care so much about him, screw him, don't let that make you feel bad about you.
Even if a relationship is a give and take about getting out of your comfort zone-- low self esteem isn't a comfort zone thing. It borders on emotional abuse. Don't take it! Communicate how you feel when he asks you these things, tell him you worry about him not desiring you, and if that's what he wants you to feel, bail.
Even if this sounds "hysterical" (I'm a big angry bra burner by nature and sometimes I get on these message boards and read these women hating on themselves and want to hold them in my big feminist arms) seriously imagine if you received this in an email from your daughter (if you don't have one, take a minute to imagine what she'd be like aka amazing) and how you'd feel about her partner after reading a thing like this.
I love this post. The bit about the dating web sites is soooooooooooo true. >>here's where I hang my head in shame<<
Years ago I did this. I was just divorced and worried and wondered........could I.........did I..........should I.......CAN I? So I signed up on a couple...I even used a current photo....nothing sexy or revealing, just a bit of red lace and silk :blushing: It wasnt long and I was swamped with invites and whispers et al. Seriously......it was hysterical
Im not on this site because of my particularly svelte skinny figure but Ive never let it deter me or make me feel the way your own husband is "making" you feel. Seriously.....any changes you make.........make them for you and they'll shine for him. When you FEEL it.....others cant help but see it / feel it. Thing is.......do you want to? Do you want to impress him? Do you want to be "sexy" for him? Or have you slipped so far down that slippery slope that you just dont care anymore? Remember...he cant MAKE you FEEL anything..how you react to what he says or does is entirely YOUR CHOICE (I know how that sounds and I hate hearing it but it is true)
Please........do something to make yourself feel better0 -
At first I thought that if he's asked you to then he must find you sexy so why not? But then you say he doesn't find big women attractive? Can't say I'd want to if that was the case either.
He doesn't seem to appreciate you fully, I find my partner attractive no matter what and I would never want to make them feel otherwise. I wouldn't do it, until he makes you feel wanted and attractive.
He won't go elsewhere because you didn't wear skimpy underwear. If he does he was never worth your worries anyway.0 -
I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.
If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?
We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.
Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.
IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.
I agree with this.
I also agree with this.
don't let people tell you if you don't do it, he'll find someone that will! IF he does, you would certainly be better off without a man like that!! Stick up for yourself, don't let him put you down but also you need more confidence in yourself. Dressing up every now again could up your confidence, but do it for yourself and no-one else!!0
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