Lose the weight, lose the partner?

Yea this is one of those things were she will leave him then years later find herself overweight again and the new partner she picks will leave her for gainning the weight, then she will run into the ex she dumped who will be probably of a more active weight lol, and maybe with a chunky wife showing how he isn't so vain as to care about the physical,

I didn't see the orginal post, but I think that if the man is a good father to her son, and he has "always been there" for her, she ought to be figuring out how to re-kindle the fire rather than abandon the relationship. IMO, long-term relationships/marriages don't just "happen"--both parties have to commit to keeping the relationship growing.

Yup! Giving up is the easy way out...gotta put in work and light the damn fire!

I've got to say, that OP sounds like a pretty scummy woman. He might be better off without her, if she's ready to dump him just because a few shallow men decided she's finally worth noticing. I hope karma bites her in the butt.

That's very sad :c

I didn't see the orginal post, but I think that if the man is a good father to her son, and he has "always been there" for her, she ought to be figuring out how to re-kindle the fire rather than abandon the relationship. IMO, long-term relationships/marriages don't just "happen"--both parties have to commit to keeping the relationship growing.

Yup! Giving up is the easy way out...gotta put in work and light the damn fire!

I was a bit saddened after reading a thread on another weight loss forum. I'll refer to the OP as Jane Doe. For about a year, Jane Doe has been proactive about her weight loss, and finally reached her end goal in June. Now, 30 pounds lighter, she questions if she "really loves" her boyfriend of almost 10 years. He is not overweight but she is finding him less and less attractive, especially, now that other men are showing interest in her. She ends on the note of, "He's a good father to my son, and he's always been there for me but.. the flame is dying.." Are people we love THAT disposable? We get a makeover and suddenly we feel we're entitled to (what we think) is the next best thing? It was really quite a depressing thread. Not sure what kind of feedback she was looking for.. Maybe justification? I don't know. What I do know, is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greener on the side that we water! I think that's the feedback I ended up leaving her

It may not be a "shallow" as you think.

When overweight and not taking care of ourselves, many have very little self-confidence or sense of clear agency and get into relationships which are really co-dependent. Where the other person's needs were all that mattered as long as they didn't leave.\

As people begin to take better care of themselves and become more self-confident, they realize that the relationship was not properly balanced and they weren't getting anything out of it. The entire power dynamic in the relationship changes, and either partner may want out when that happens. In some cases it makes sense because it was always a lousy relationship; in others, time and effort would have renegotiated the boundaries and ultimately led to a more fulfilling partnership for both.

I am more concerned that my DH is not spending as much time with me lately. Apparently he has fallen into the trap of thinking that if I lose weight and am more attractive he will have competition or won't be good enough? I just don't know. Being focused on exercise does mean my priorities are different now. I think society encourages people to be suspicious if their partner starts exercising and primping more.

I can understand where she's coming from, at least a little bit. I think when you change your lifestyle, part of your personality is bound to change....All of a sudden health and fitness is a huge part of my life, and it's a very minimal part of his.

I have to agree with this. I would argue that you generally like people with similar interests. It is possible that (while weight may be a symptom) this girl's interests have changed to the point where she and her husband have less in common than before.

Also, if he is not supportive of her weight loss, she could feel very stressed trying to make this new lifestyle work. I have know people whose spouse was so unsupportive of their health kick that they went so far as to constantly tease/harass the person at ever corner.

How would you like to come home to "God skeleton, you look like hell!" as one of my friend's did after she lost 50 pounds for medical reasons? She ended the relationship shortly after that because she felt disrespected and stressed out by his constant appraisal of her appearance. She later found out that he said those things because he wanted her to gain weight again so she wouldn't leave him for another man. Clearly, insulting her wasn't the right way to go about that.

I would also point out that there could be other underlying issues that she has with her husband (loss of libido, verbal abuse, disagreements about money, general stress, rude behavior etc.) which she is not expressing simply because she is either afraid too, feel embarrassed by them or simply is trying to ignore a bigger problem. As my psychologist once told me "often the problem is much deeper than it seems. People may say "I don't like wearing uniform X when they really mean I feel like I am not trusted to pick out my own clothing. I feel controlled and it hurts. Everybody understands feeling controlled or untrusted, but rarely do we say it like that. I think if we did more taking about our basic emotions we might solve more problems. It can seem petty to complain about uniforms, but few would argue that feeling mistrusted is a petty thing to be worried about."

On the other side of the coin I would argue that if her sudden weight loss has caused her to lose all love for her husband all by itself, the relationship was probably not good for either party. The husband in that case deserves someone less fickle and the wife could have had underlying self esteem issues which were unhealthy and cause her to "settle" for whatever came along. In this case, I think both parties deserve to be WANTED not settled for.

While it is sad that a relationship may be ending, I don't think it's wise to analyze one small (and probably biased) piece of data and make a judgement. How do you know she isn't trying marriage counselling right now? Who knows what data was left out.

I think both parties deserve to be WANTED not settled for.

While it is sad that a relationship may be ending, I don't think it's wise to analyze one small (and probably biased) piece of data and make a judgement. Who knows what data was left out.

Nailed it.

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

I would hope that if I land me a great guy that's in it for the long haul and treats me and my daughter well, that I would grow more confident as I lose and use that confidence to improve our sex life.

ew, it's gross how everyone here sees being thinner as being more valuable as a person.

I'm the most fat positive feminist ever and I don't see that anywhere.

Second this. I have only seen this expressed by one or two people who had known psychological issues. Since there are other opinions out and about, I wouldn't worry too much about this.

My fiance has been with me for over 2 years now and loves everything about me , every inch/pound of fat. He simply supports me in my weight loss although he feels that I don't really need to, at least it won't make him love me more since he already does. Why would I leave a man at my best when he has been there at my worst. I don't understand Jane Doe, it's like she kept him because she thought there'd be no one else. I totally disapprove of her whole thread and shall in no way justify everything she feels. Poor guy..