please do not judge, asking for advice

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  • kristenstejskal
    kristenstejskal Posts: 107 Member
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    You could say that your new trainer "specializes" in some aspect of fitness....maybe incorporates yoga into workout routines or something like that....I don't like encouraging you to lie...but this is kind of a touchy subject all the way around.

    And don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong and I think a lot of people experience what you're experiencing right now...its pretty natural. Think about it this way.....you're being smart by nipping it in the bud now! Good for you!
  • danimal5867
    danimal5867 Posts: 390
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    Trust me, cheating would not be an issue, there is no interest on his part.

    Even if there is no interest on his part, anything you might do to feed the crush (emotional affair) will have a lasting and negative impact on you marriage.
  • allisonmrn
    allisonmrn Posts: 721 Member
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    Yes, new trainer...pronto or use the knowledge he has given you and a little research and be your own trainer!!! Good luck
  • Thin1979
    Thin1979 Posts: 48
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    I can totally see how that can happen. This gentleman took you to a new place of confidence and self healing. Obesity is a medical condition both physically and mentally. I would just see him for that. Of course you are going to have intense feelings for someone who helped you over plateaus and brought you to a new and better place in your life. See him as a coach and mentor. And a little crush never hurt anyone...as long as you don't act on it I don't see any harm. No judgement here, we are all in the perfect place at the perfect time and he was brought into your life for a reason.
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
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    Okay.. wait wait.

    First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?

    Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.

    Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.

    Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.


    Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.

    Good luck.
  • Savyna
    Savyna Posts: 789 Member
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    Do you really have to offer anything? Just say that after some things have come up (personally) you feel its better to get another trainer, and it has nothing against him just that you have some things to work out etc etc.
  • Voncreepy2
    Voncreepy2 Posts: 1,450 Member
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    I am not being judgemental either, but sometimes we can't see in front of ourselves. Put yourself in your husband's shoes.....if the shoe were on the other foot, would you be devastated if you knew he was crushing on another woman, much less a really fit , hot one or if you knew he even entertained the thought of what if? New trainer, no excuse necessary. I am sure other people not in your situation don't think twice about how they would end this because they aren't emotionally involved. Do you see the red flag? Good luck to you. Marriage is hard and not always perfect but if you're in it for life then you have to preserve it. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Don't be a statistic.
  • BroiledNotFried
    BroiledNotFried Posts: 446 Member
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    You need to get a new trainer.

    Life changers sometimes cause us to grow or move into a new direction. Perhaps the new self is translating into wanting to be with another person. Remember, those first few days & weeks & early months with your husband? They were a blast. But, it will all wear off and then the real love begins. The boring type is powerfully strong - and can get you through job losses, sickness, etc. The exciting type of new infatuation is not grounded for the long haul.

    This personal trainer is a motivator and believes in you as part of his job. Repeat - it is part of his job - to believe in you. Sometimes it can be flattering to have someone who is engaging you and making you feel special. Perhaps your husband doesn't engage you? What is it really that is attracting you to this trainer, and what can you/your husband do to help rekindle this aspect? Don't blame your husband. All parties in a marraige can become stale.

    Now, don't judge yourself. I heard a minister rightly say, "You've haven't lived life if you haven't been tempted to break each of the 10 Commandments." It's something that many married people go through.

    You can always start figure skating. All of the male coaches are gay and the female coaches are straight - lol. You are totally safe in that company.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
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    its not a gym membership, its just a group of friends working out together, he is taking time out to help us (sometimes my husband goes, sometimes not) very tough situation for me really.
  • julesribar
    julesribar Posts: 43 Member
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    New trainer....now.
  • penniemh
    penniemh Posts: 124 Member
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    Get a female trainer. Explain "as great as you are, only another woman can truly understand where I'm at, as a woman." or some such...Under NO circumstances tell your husband you are crushing on his friend...that's a recipe for disaster.
  • paintlisapurple
    paintlisapurple Posts: 982 Member
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    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated
    You could say you think you might feel more comfortable with a female trainer? Can't think of anything else right now sorry

    This is what I was going to suggest.
    Good luck!
  • tgeiger777
    tgeiger777 Posts: 8 Member
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    I agree, time for a new trainer. Maybe its just the attention from someone new or that fact that you have working out in common but still, marriage is more important. I would get a new trainer. I would also talk to my husband and tell him I need more words of affirmation from him. He doesnt need to know about your "crush" just that you want him to reaffirm your efforts.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
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    Is the temptation that strong or is it really just a crush?
    If it is as simple as a crush and you trust you won't actually try and make a move on your husband's friend then I don't see the problem. If it really is more than that you need to find a new trainer and figure out what is lacking in your own marriage that you are seeking something outside of it. Are you having sex enough? Do you communicate enough? Lacking intimacy? Is your husband out of shape but now that you are looking hot a part of you is repulsed by him?
  • mbajrami
    mbajrami Posts: 636 Member
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    its not a gym membership, its just a group of friends working out together, he is taking time out to help us (sometimes my husband goes, sometimes not) very tough situation for me really.

    Join a gym or start working out on your own. I'm sure in this time you have learned enough to keep your weight loss/exercise program going.
  • katarinakr
    katarinakr Posts: 14
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    New trainer. Now. Don't let this get in the way of your promise to your husband, to you and your family...
  • Lovestoscrapbook
    Lovestoscrapbook Posts: 295 Member
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    In psychoanalysis, this is called transference where emotions, desires and attitudes are redirected to the person who is providing assistance (usually the psychologist, etc. but in this case your trainer). So it's not unusual that this occurs - this person has helped you lose weight and feel better about yourself. It is normal that you would associate those happy feelings with him - but doing so will cause you problems (as you have already recognized). Find a female trainer to assist you to continue your weight loss. Understanding that your emotions towards the trainer may cause problems is the first step in recognizing that you need to fix the situation before it truly becomes a problem. Trainers are professionals - as long as he knows that you are not leaving because of dissatisfaction with his services, it is OK. People change trainers all the time for many different reasons.

    In your case, this is absolutely necessary..
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
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    Is the temptation that strong or is it really just a crush?
    If it is as simple as a crush and you trust you won't actually try and make a move on your husband's friend then I don't see the problem. If it really is more than that you need to find a new trainer and figure out what is lacking in your own marriage that you are seeking something outside of it. Are you having sex enough? Do you communicate enough? Lacking intimacy? Is your husband out of shape but now that you are looking hot a part of you is repulsed by him?

    This i would rather not get into
  • knittingwitch
    knittingwitch Posts: 231 Member
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    well flirting and having crushes are no big thing, if your wanting to act on it that is a problem. Other than that crushes come and go chances are one of these days he will do some thing to put you off for good. Until then start thinking about your crush as you have admiration for him and not wanting to sleep with him.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
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    Can't, cut it.

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