please do not judge, asking for advice

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  • KarenBoehlke
    KarenBoehlke Posts: 47
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    Okay, he is training several of your friends including your husband sometimes. He is a friend of your husband and family so you see him outside the gym sometimes in social situations I'm assuming. He's good looking and gives you encouragement. These are the facts of the situation. Are they not?

    Then it is simple. Don't see him in social situations without your husband and make a point to flirt with your husband. Men respond to this in a big way especially if they know your going home with them. You'll find your marriage life will improve and your crush will transfer back to your hubby where it belongs.

    Oh, Don't work out with him as a trainer unless your husband goes with you. Let your husband know that it'll turn you on if you hear him cheering you on and let him know that you will do the same for him. Then do it. let your husband know when he's doing great, tell him he can do one more rep or whatever so he knows how to encourage you and make you feel good about yourself. Who knows he may decide that you only need each other to work out and tell your friend/trainer that he isn't needed any more.
  • californiagirl2012
    californiagirl2012 Posts: 2,625 Member
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    That makes me sad. Marriage is sacred. Your husband comes FIRST. Dump the trainer. Figure out how this happened and don't let it happen again. There is no excuse.
  • Laura8603
    Laura8603 Posts: 590 Member
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    He's nice to you because he is a friend of your husband's and you are paying him to be your trainer. Trainers suck up because they want you to continue to pay them. He does not have feelings for you. Work on your marriage.
  • chatipati1
    chatipati1 Posts: 211 Member
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    Maybe say ..."Thanks for all your help. I think I would like to try something different now. Maybe a martial art." I really think if you cannot find a reason to give him, you don't want a reason. It's plain and simple to me
  • GaiaGirl1992
    GaiaGirl1992 Posts: 459 Member
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    maybe say at this stage of your exercising, you'd feel more comfortable with a woman trainer. maybe even have him suggest one for you!
  • marie_eve_78
    marie_eve_78 Posts: 72 Member
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    I did not read all the answers you got but my idea would be that you do not want to mix frienship with "business", that you feel uncomfortable. (It's easier to start or stop a business relationship with a stranger than a friend, no hard feelings. Also, less awkward when you owe him money or he wants to up his prices, etc.)
  • mamagooskie
    mamagooskie Posts: 2,964 Member
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    I agree get a new trainer
  • Linda_Darlene
    Linda_Darlene Posts: 453 Member
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    Honestly i've not been in the situation but i would get a new trainer. Your marriage is more important.
    Sorry I just reread your post and realise he is a friend of your husbands also which makes it harder to stay away from him I guess. But getting a new trainer is a start at least.

    This.

    Do not risk your marriage or your new health. You seriously need to right away get a different trainer before you end up in a horribly embarrassing situation.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
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    It's only a crush and you're not in high school. Get over it
  • HopefulLeigh
    HopefulLeigh Posts: 363 Member
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    Im married and i developed a crush on my trainer who happens to be a very good friend of my husbands. Since i started his program ive lost 30 pounds and feel great except for my smoking. ive been chain smoking hoping to forget about this crush. Im reluctant to quit the program because as you know ive lost weight.

    i love my husband very much and i feel so guilty. Im asking you how can i get over this and forget about him and this obstacle and keep him as my friend (im guessing at arm's length) with out jeopordizing my marriage.

    It's rather normal to develop crushes on those who help us and boost our self esteem, so no judgement from me there. On top of that, the hormones released when exercising are chemically similar to those released when we fall in love. I'd hazard a guess that your chain smoking is not from trying to forget but a result of the guilt and stress that you're feeling as a result of this little infatuation.

    My advice is to surprise your husband with a gym membership for two, tell him you think it's sexy when he sweats and release those endorphins together. Stop attending the training sessions. I'm sure that you've gotten enough out of them, 30 pounds later, that doing the routines at home or at your local gym won't throw you off track.
  • BrazenHarpy
    BrazenHarpy Posts: 81 Member
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    I vote find a new trainer.

    ALSO, if your husband is secure, tell him about the crush. If there's a chance he'll fly off the handle, don't risk it. But every time I have a crush on someone who isn't my husband, he's the first person I tell. We talk about why I'm feeling the way that I do, and try to figure out if it's because I feel like I'm lacking something in our marriage, or if it's just a stupid one-sided attraction. Whatever the reason, those crushes disappear pretty fast after I tell him!
  • cardiokitten
    cardiokitten Posts: 401 Member
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    I don't even understand all the "get a new trainer" advice.... huh? Since when is it not COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NORMAL to have a crush on someone? No matter your relationship status...? I'm confused why adults can't have crushes and continue to be friends with someone?
  • myogibbs
    myogibbs Posts: 182
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    Maybe you could try to work out on your own without the trainer. You know what to do to get results. Or, better yet, get your husband involved in working out with you. Maybe you could find something that you both enjoy, like tennis or golf or martial arts...something that involves both of you & you can spend time together. If you find it is too difficult to lose weight or get results without outside help, then you can seek the help of a new trainer.
  • HopefulLeigh
    HopefulLeigh Posts: 363 Member
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    How old are you ? I'm guessing a teenager.

    Is this relevant to the topic, helpful or even a reasonably logical conclusion obtained from any one of the OP's responses? No? I'm glad that being 53 somehow makes you superior and impervious to these situations.
  • Sirxx99
    Sirxx99 Posts: 43
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    Hmmm I am gonna vote new trainer... if it wasnt your husbands friend and you could stay away is one thing but dont put yourself in the position to do something stupid and could possibly regret.

    Ask yourself this how would you feel if your husband started working out with your friend and he started developing a crush for her? How would you react and what would you want him to do?
  • skinimin
    skinimin Posts: 252 Member
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    The responses to this are depressing. So if someone has a crush on another person who is not their partner then they will definitely cheat unless they get that crush out of their life? That gives me little faith in ever being able to trust anyone.

    How about this OP, you love your husband and want to spend your life with him, which is why you married him. This crush on your trainer is just that, a crush, you're allowed to be attracted to other people, being married doesn't give you blinders. Just exercise some self control, don't engage in any sexy physical things with your trainer. Enjoy the crush but accept it as just that, a trivial little crush that in no way could ever measure up to the way you feel about your husband. Why would you have a fling with your crush when you have a marriage with the love of your life?
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    agree, run don't walk and get a new trainer.
    Yup!
  • davenportk83
    davenportk83 Posts: 44 Member
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    Absolutely RUNNNNN don't walk away from this trainer and like others have said, you really don't owe him any detailed reason for changing trainers. You deal with tempations everyday in many forms but this is simply one temptation/distraction that could ruin the most important thing in your life............your relationship with your husband. Go....Go now!!
  • realme56
    realme56 Posts: 1,093 Member
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    I know i should change trainers (yes, thought about it many times) I also feel that i am going to loose in this situation. why because he is a friend, he's my husbands friend, we are close to the family too.

    You need to keep him as "your husband's friend" PERIOD! You sound so reluctant to stop seeing him in other terms that I fear for your marriage already. Go without a trainer, get a new one but stop now and plan some wonderful get away with your husband.
  • RobynC79
    RobynC79 Posts: 331 Member
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    I really don't see how this has to be a huge issue - people get crushes, its normal.

    It's extremely normal to develop crushes on people who help us, understand us and empathise with us - that's why psychiatrists and therapists have a name for it - transference. If you google it you will probably find your situation described exactly - it is extremely common and many health care professionals have structured means of managing it.

    Perhaps you can find some tips to manage your crush in the acute phase. It will almost certainly wear off over time. In the meantime, if your relationship is otherwise happy and functional, I don't think you need to cut this person out of your life.

    To me, all these comments suggesting 'you MUST be rid of this man!!!' do a disservice to your relationship with your husband and your ability to manage your physical self.

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