Husband wants me to wear sexier clothes but I just can't

I know he's disappointed in me, he doesn't like heavy women and he makes that very clear to me all the time. I'm not trying to lose weight for him I'm doing it for me, and he doesn't make it easy, let me tell you. He's glad I'm working out and trying but since there haven't been lots of results I can tell he's very disappointed in me.

If this is actually how he feels and not just your perception of how he feels, then I can't tell you what I really think about this without bashing the crap out of him. Sorry.

Yes! I read that and was like OK I definitely cant respond to this because yes I will bash a man who makes it clear to his heavy-set WIFE he doesnt like heavy women. God help my husband if he even tries to disrespect me like that.

If you husband can't accept and love you the way you are then he doesn't deseve you at all. Wear what you're comfortable wearing and don't change yourself for the amusment of someone else.

And should he just accept that his wife won't try something to make him happy? There are two people in a relationship, surely the man deserves to be happy too...Is it really that tough to put on lingerie in your own bedroom, he's not asking for whips and chains and 3somes with models! Besides, he is obviously attracted to you or he wouldn't even be asking you to dress up for him in the first place! Compromise, it doesn't have to be a thong or some fishnet bodystocking...just a little tasteful black lace would probably do the trick!

ETA: The man just wants a little something hot from his wife...it's totally normal. I guarantee if you do it he'll be a bit more supportive of you losing weight in the hope that you'll do it again

Yeah but he is saying "I dont like the way you look, im disappointed in you now go put on some lingerie" So you can see why she isnt running to Victoria Secret for him. Now if he said "you're losing so much weight you look so hot and you really turn me on. Let's go buy something sexy" Don't you think he wouldve gotten what he wanted?

Not judging by the OP's comments. She says she doesn't want to wear it because she doesn't feel sexy, not because he asked badly...

:huh: Right here I go, there is nothing wrong with wearing sexy clothes, I am a big girl and do like to wear sexy clothes. BUT I do it for me and yes it makes my husband happy but he does not tell me to buy sexy clothes, he would not do that to me.

When I mean sexy clothes I dont mean short skirts etc, I buy some nice underwear or a nice top which helps to enhance my figure instead of showing all my lumps and bumps.

You dont need someone to keep reminding you in a negative way, he should be supporting you I dont agree you have to please your man, what a load of rubbish, relationships are based on TWO people making each other happy, not just one.

You both need to make each other happy whether its around sexy clothes etc etc. Take care of yourself

Well, from what I've read I'd say the situation is this (I'm sure people will, if they choose, take this to mean the guy is a douche, or that I'm a douche for writing this, but it's human nature at the end of the day, and in fact to me I can see the positive reason behind all this which is that he wants to stay with her):

He clearly loves you and wants to stay with you, otherwise he wouldn't care to make the comments. When he is making the comments about make-up and being a hippy, when he is wanting you to wear sexy underwear (which seems to contradict with him wanting you to lose weight) and when he is appearing to be disappointed with lack of progress, this all stems from the same point.

He knows he is with you for the rest of his life, and he is perhaps disappointed that you have let yourself go. He WANTS to find you more attractive, so he WANTS you to put the effort in and lose weight. When you don't eat right and don't lose, or even put weight back on - that is just you saying to him that you don't care enough to make the effort. The same goes for make-up and dressing up; he wants you to make an effort FOR him. You seem like you've got comfortable and don't want to impress him any more. Asking you to wear sexy underwear is just him trying to give you another chance to show that you care about him.

My gf, before coming to mine or before I go over always gets make up on and dresses nice etc, and I appreciate the hell out of that. Not because she wouldn't be hot without it, but because it shows that she still cares what I think. There's nothing worse than that point in a relationship where you just don't give a crap about if the other one still finds you attractive, because "hell, they're stuck with me now - we're married - I've got them locked in".

Clearly weight loss is destined to fail if you're just doing it for someone else, it has to be for yourself, but perhaps you should evaluate why you don't care about dressing up/makeup and how that may leak over into the rest of your appearance including weight. Maybe there's something in there as to why you have been stalling?

I really want to add that this genuinely isn't a criticism. I don't judge anyone for how they feel about themselves or others because it's not usually something you can help. Often you don't even notice.

I absolutely agree. It's not a matter of he doesnt care, he clearly does...DO YOU CARE enough to cultivate that marriage every day? Listen , I'm over 50 and balooned up to 220 lbs 3 years into our marriage. My husband was 31 when we met (I was 40) and he never complained about my weight.. What he DID complain about was the fact that I complained about my weight so much.. And my husband is pretty well built(muscular , tan, construction worker) I was embarrassed to show my crappy body to this man who CLEARLY loved and wanted me.. It wasnt his problem, I was MY problem. I just couldnt see that. I almost lost him because he felt that I thought that HE was repulsive..Can you believe that one??.. Talk to your man,, Listen to him. And honey, we have no problem telling our men that a certain shirt looks crappy on them , or "go shave, wear this, don't wear that. But we are hurt when they say anything . It's a 2way street.

Keep in mind...your husband sees only the woman he loves.

the internet is not the best place for martial counseling

I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.

If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?

We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.

Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.

IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.

THANK YOU!!! I agree.. I am not a fan of anyone on here saying that he'll go elsewhere if you don't attempt to dress sexy for him. If he does, or if you even THINK that he will (which it sounds like you do), you two need to have a serious talk and maybe go to counseling.

However, I do agree with those that say you should try and step outside of your comfort zone. I am very much like you.. I tend to get a bit shy with stuff like that. It's hard to find yourself sexy when you're not happy with your body at the moment! But here's the thing.. he's actually asking you to do it! Which means he wants to see you in barely there clothing.. which means he still thinks you're sexy.. which should help give you the confidence to put on a show for your man

If you really can't make yourself do it.. I would try and talk to him and explain why. I would hope that he'd be understanding.

Best of luck to you! Don't give up!

I'm sorry, I disagree with everyone here.

If you don't do it, he'll go somewhere else? REALLY?
Is he a total *kitten*?

We all go through phases in life, different stages, different times....if every time we were in a slump we thought....well, if i don't get out of this and FAST, he's going to find a happier person with less drama. REALLY? Whatever happened to through thick and thin, until death do us part.

Nobody should make ANYONE feel guilty and as if he will leave because it's something THEY didn't do.

IF a man leaves over something like this, or finds it elsewhere....point blank, he's a total DOUCHE. When you love someone, you go through the ups and the DOWNS with them....you don't move on to someone else who isn't going through a down at that particular moment.

I so agree with you here!

I don't agree with your husband making you feel like you need to dress a certain way but I think that part has been addressed in the earlier posts.what I really want to say is, what about yourself, I'm sure you want to feel sexy and confident. Maybe you need to take baby steps. What about your hair. Maybe get a new cut or color. Try some new lipstick. These little things will hopefully make you feel better about yourself and your husband will see that. Use it as motivation to stick with your weight loss goals too, I know I do. Every few weeks I try on things out of my closet that are either too small or just look bad and it's great motivation to keep going. Good luck and love yourself! Your husband picked YOU!

Congrats on your weight loss, and keep it going

He has been killing your esteem (maybe not on purpose, or is he a bully? mentaly abusing?) but you both need to talk about that, I can completely understand why you dont want to dress up, for him.

Although I'm curious why everyone jumped up to say, he finds you sexy, and you should do it when he insults larger girls (which he actively does infront of you)? he could of been doing it for 'sexy' reasons but could of had other reasons to reduce your esteem more, feeling forced into anything is absolutely disgusting attitude one partner should have towards another, no is no.

You also need to gain some (alot of) confidence, and possibly get out more to do stuff for yourself like a new hobby, may need some space!

You will probably both need counciling be that mental or a marriage one.

Disgusted with the 'just do it, or he will leave' responses, most men arent that fickle and most relationships go down the pan through alot more than 'they wouldnt dress up for me'. seems like alot more is going on in this relationship than what was just posted.

he WANTS to see you in it, which tells me it cant be all that bad...unless youre actually a cat (i tried to see other pics, but ur aact is private, lol) theres alot of teddies that look great of bigger girls and give some good coverage over the belly, but still make ur T &A look extra fantastic! he already must know ur uncomfortable with it, so hes not expecting you do do a strip tease or anything like that! just put it on and be bashful about it! thats sexy too! i found that the more i forced myself to do things like this, and wear sexier clothes, the more inclined i was to make change. its like fake it till u make it! and i works. think HOT!

^^**this**^^

I for some reason have always dated very beuatiful girls who were not girly. They were smart and athletic and did not have to wear makeup but never did anything at all girly. Amazing hair, eyes, body and skin too. When I was younger I was insecure and loved this, guys did not not approach my girlfriends because their neuteral clothes sent no come hither signal and did not show off there body but in private I was in heaven how amazing these girls were. As I got older and more secure my latest girlfriend was amazing looking but used to be heavy and had body issues. All of her friends were tiny 5'2 which seemed to be the popular attractive trend, they had no womanly shape though. She was 5'7 and shapley and felt like a giant. As I got older and bedroom performance was not so easy, I noticed to be really turned on I desired sexy girly things like lingerie. Most men are very visually stimulated. When our relationship was new she did it kind of against her will without telling me she hated it. As we dated for years she began to have a real problem with it, I thought she was just being lazy and unimaginative. Finally over time she told me that she was convinced I wanted her to dress sexy during sex because she thought it reminded me of being with other women or some fantasy with a cheap slut. This was furthest from the truth, even after 5 years I was really turned on by her and even when she was not around I preffered to think of her when I could of thought of anyone or watched anything. It took some time to convince her, but when I finally convinced her that I really was turned on by her and her womanly body she started to enjoy it herself a little bit. In a way, I really wanted her to dress like that because it turned me on so much that it "enhanced" my excitement level to a noticible difference and I really wanted to please her. As I got more secure I encouraged her to dress a little more feminine. I wanted her to get attention from men that she deserved because I felt as though cutting herself off from flirting and being sexy cut herself off from oppurtunity and kind of made her stuck with me.I wanted her to come out of her shell show off her self a bit and get hit on and still chose me. I used to give girlfriends a hard time over a tight bikini and hide them from the world. She would turn a lot of heads if she dressed sexy but she never really did this. Her parents also had a problem with her growing up and wanted to keep her young forever so even at 26 anything remotly feminin would make them feel uncomfortable and they would give her a hard time, even somthing like pink nail polish would raise eyebrows, they were far from conservative too, I dont mind women dressing neuteral all of the time and can a lot of times wear clothes that could be unisex, but if I ever had a tight t shirt or jeans she would be really upset saying I looked gay. There is a lot of pressure for american men to stay manly, but not for smart women to be sexy. Seeing girls in ugly sweatpants and a dirty t shirt just is not a turn on for men, just as a man wearing pink tight pants is not sexy. I know women work hard these days and dont want to be turned into a sex object for their men, especially when their are relationship problems. A little sexiness goes a long way in a relationship. Over time, many years in fact, she would look in the mirror and say wait a second, this looks really hot. It made me happy that she realized that, she new she was sexy and still was with me. She even let me take pictures a few times which was huge because she didnt take pics at all. I really dont find strippers or other women sexy who dress up that way, its so in your face and so for anyone that wants to look it ends up being a turn off. But somthing about secret sexiness with a conservative woman is really hot. I dont think most men can express that is really is about her and not some slutty fantasy so it ends up being a sore spot. After years of fights and disapointment, some of our best relationship times was when my girl dressed up for me. give it a chance. I work in a highly professional environment with doctors and administrators, A few of them wear heels, makeup, and short skirts. Instead of it working against them, I find being sexy for them make others feel intimidated by med and women giving them an edge. Some of these women are in their 40-50s and are gorgous, they also happen to be brillian people and heads of big departments. I remember when I was in high school there were many girls i ignored, we then had a formal and they all looked amazing, They learned it too, and when I then tried to give them attention they were like oh please. There is a difference between being sluty and inappropriate, and dressing sharp that is sexy but you cannot be faulted for it. As I get older the average woman who takes care of herself and is feminine is more sexy than the beuatiful girl who doesnt try, doesnt shower or care. Even older women who try and keep up with the feminine appeal stand out. Men and men and women are women. I say dont be ashamed of what you are and it is not lowering yourself to use it to your advantage. Be smart, professional, a parent, a worker, a volunteer. But in the end, we are all animals going off animal instinct and enhancing your sex somewhat in society and in the bedroom is a good thing. I always wished as a man I could make the transformation that women can. Women can go from blah to wow. If I could do that I would. I worked in the same place for years as a clinician and always wore pale blue scrubs and sneakers. I took a new job that occasionally required me to wear a suit, I always cleaned up bettler than most since i was a little boy and the attention was unbelievable. People who never acknoledged me spoke to me, women looked at me, people wondered who I was and even some people resented it and interogate me why I had to dress that way. This went on for months and a very close co-worker started to become very annoyed and wouldnt walk with me because of all of the attention from a suit. Needless to say, I wear a suit much more often which is a pain, different suits, shoes, shirts, ties get hard to mix up, many men wear the same two suits and shoes an people notice that too. If I wanted to dress down I could, scrubs for laundry is a dream. Suits and shirts are a nightmare, but I still do because of the reaction and the level of respect it gives me. Now when ever I wear scrubs and run into someone important I feel like crap. Because I dont have to do this, the fact that I do shows everyone I care about work where everyone is trying to get away with dressing down, Even if they work hard and get more work done than me, the suit gets my voice heard and also intimidates other co-workers from bullying and trying to assert their dominance. A lot of rambling, I dont have any nice regular clothes and never had any name brands and is not one of those people who are addicted to shopping and clothes, in fact, Im usually given a hard time about my regular clothes. But work and the bedroom, make it count, your employers and lover wont want to give you up when you do what they want. When me and my girlfriend were having bad relationship troubles and she was treating me poorly, I had a hard time letting her go because she did somthing very simple in the bedroom that kept me on the hook. We usually get into a power struggle with people and refuse to do small things over being dominant, but when you do those easy things, in the end, you will have the power. I know other women will not fufill my lingerie fetish and because we are driven by sex, it was very hard to think about going without her. I dont think its a big deal doing what your mate wants if it is relatively normal, not illeagal, involve other sexual partners or a switch of gender roles. Just realize it is about you too and they very much likely really just want to do kinky stuff with you. When you dont, others will and it is very hard to fight your desires. I never wanted to stray when my girl dressed up and I told her what suckers other men were because they had to go to strip joints to see sexiness. I thanked her and told I felt like the luckiest man in the world and I really did. I dont think it is healthy to bring petty power squables into the bedroom, a healthy sex life can really bond a relationship. WEAR THE LINGERIE FOR HIM and guide him to do what you want. I have wanted a mate to lose weight but mostly because they were so depressed about it that I wanted them to reach their goal and be happy. When your mate isnt happy, it just isnt a happy relationship, and when you dont make progress towards your goals you end up hating yourself. So I wouldnt always judge the person wanting you to lose weight, they may want what you want so you can go forward to enjoying life and tackling new goals. As men get older, more and more becomes sexy. When I was young I was so picky and had immposible expectations, I am glad now to notice that heavier women, older women, who pay attention to their looks are sexy. Not the models who dont care and know they are sexy, I am finding myself even turned off by the model types. If he wants you to wear lingerie, he thinks your sexy and wants you to be sexy. Not trying, hating your body and not being sexual is not a turn on. I am so happy that now I can appreciate many womens beauty and I feel bad for the fellas who just dont get it. Its funny, I know some really horny guys and the sexy clothes do nothing for them, It just gets in the way. Vice versa I have female friends who want to spice up the bedroom and the guys just dont care for that stuff. Opposites attract but it seems like couples are always at odds about this subject in either direction. But when you find two people willing and wanting to get kinky with each other and want to turn the other on, they always seem more happy. If you are 100 pounds or 500 pounds there is always somthing you can do to be a little sexier, dont be so hard on yourself and give yourself the credit as a person that you always have the option to turn it up a notch, you may like it and feel better about yourself. Getting lingerie inspired my ex to lose weight on her own because it gave her a spark of what her potential is. Sorry for the long post, it is a close to home subject and I worked with obese patients for years. After years of working with them a 500 pound person didnt even seem big to me, I just saw the person.

If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought

Wow.

If my wife won't do something I want her to do I WON'T go somewhere else. My wife and I fool around 1-2 nights a week. I'd like 4-5 (Ok, 8-9 LOL). Do I go somehere else...NO We are married and that's just not an option. I love her and she is my everything. You remember...for better or wores, thru think or thin. Geesh.
Just sit down and have a talk with him. Explain how you feel. Tell him how he's making you feel. You 2 should be going thru this life style change together. Communication is key. Talk.

This is excellent advice and much nicer than my "leave that dud!" lol See, good guys exists^

If your husband would enjoy seeing you in something sexy I think it is worth the effort to go pick something out together. Compromise maybe.

You are working on your weight. Keep it up.

If you wont do it, someone else will.... #foodforthought

Empathy at it's finest....smh

I think in order to feel sexy for him, you have to feel sexy for you....you know? I completely understand your predicament. You'll get there though. You're on the right track. He needs to be more patient and more understanding. It's hard for a woman to feel sexy on the outside when she isn't comfortable in her own skin.

Well said!