healthier/sexier than your spouse now?? is this bad??

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  • crimsoncat
    crimsoncat Posts: 457 Member
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    after 16 years i'm pretty sure he's not gonna join me ..... and that's part of why i'm frustrated .... i do love him and want him to be around but that's not gonna make him change if it hasn't already .... trying to see what others who have gotten in shape do when the spouse has no interest and you're going 2 different directions....

    My fiance is very similar, but we have only been dating 6 years now.

    He is tall and has a hard time keeping weight on (6'2" 140lbs). We're talking the kind of man that chugs whole chocolate milk while eating pizza and has chocolate cake for desert. Other days he simply forgets to eat because he gets too excited about something. He is on his feet all day at work which means he's tried when he comes home. Aside from one marathon runner in his family, they all have a sedentary lifestyle. Luckily, both our father's are alcoholics and my hubby is hesitant to even use wine in cooking let alone drink. Those does protect him from the beer gut. What I elected to do was to leave the eating habits go for now, but to try to encourage more activity. However, this is the conversation we have had.

    "Honey, I am concerned because you have very irregular eating habits. I know you aren't having any trouble now, but I want to be sure that I get to keep you for a long time. I think I noticed this recently because I'm been closely watching my health. In case something happens, what kind of activities do you like that will get you up off the couch. I want to be prepared with lots of options for the future. Plus, I want to find stuff we have in common so that if we get bored of the usual, we have new things to try."

    Turns out my hubby loves hiking and used to love biking, but he never does it because he doesn't is tired or the weather is bad.

    So now on nice days this is what I say: "Hey! I'm totally bored with my exercises and I really need a motivator. Would you go on a walk with me this evening? I know I walk for miles, but how far would you be comfortable walking?"

    I also have had this conversation with him: "If you notice that I've gotten depressed or started to slip back into old habits, I really need you help! Would you please con me into exercise by asking me to go on walks with you?"
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    Some people on here made me feel shallow but i'm not ----

    Does it matter if we're shallow? Romantic love does need a degree of atrraction. I'm not saying we always look attractive for our OH's or that our bodies won't change yada yada, but don't feel bad for wanting your hubby to look nice for you. Most men will openly admit they like their women to look good for them, even if they love them as they are when they're not looking so hot.

    Your self confidence will be going up and if the situation changes it could well end up making problems, so personally I think you're right to be addressing this now! Not only that but you're looking at the health problems he could be having, certainly not shallow imo.

    My hubby is stick thin and drives me nuts - but he is slowly coming round to the thought of exercise after we had several talks about living a healthy life etc. You just need to sow the seed and let the plant grow in his mind. Good luck!! :flowerforyou:
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    "Honey, I am concerned because you have very irregular eating habits. I know you aren't having any trouble now, but I want to be sure that I get to keep you for a long time. I think I noticed this recently because I'm been closely watching my health. In case something happens, what kind of activities do you like that will get you up off the couch. I want to be prepared with lots of options for the future. Plus, I want to find stuff we have in common so that if we get bored of the usual, we have new things to try."

    Turns out my hubby loves hiking and used to love biking, but he never does it because he doesn't is tired or the weather is bad.

    So now on nice days this is what I say: "Hey! I'm totally bored with my exercises and I really need a motivator. Would you go on a walk with me this evening? I know I walk for miles, but how far would you be comfortable walking?"

    I also have had this conversation with him: "If you notice that I've gotten depressed or started to slip back into old habits, I really need you help! Would you please con me into exercise by asking me to go on walks with you?"

    This. Totally this!!
  • fleur_de_lis19
    fleur_de_lis19 Posts: 926 Member
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    How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?

    THIS!
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?

    THIS!

    pretty sure he did and i won't elaborate other than to say life was pretty hard for 2 1/2 years but we (and by that i mean me) stuck to it .....
  • fleur_de_lis19
    fleur_de_lis19 Posts: 926 Member
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    Well if this is truly how you feel, that your hotter than him and he hasn't been pulling his weight, then just pack yo S**T
  • fleur_de_lis19
    fleur_de_lis19 Posts: 926 Member
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    On a serious note, i think that just cooking healthy meals for the whole family, you doing the shopping (keeping junk out of the house) and encourage him to join you on walks as a family or workouts at the gym, is the best way to do it
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    i've never said i'm better than him -- but am healthier and yes, sexier, unless you consider middle aged overweight men who chew tobacco to be sexy .... i'm not packing my **** (would have done that w/ above referenced tough time) but am frustrated that i'm getting "better" for myself and for him/kids and he is not (and is getting "worse"). i do make healthy meals but he eats breakfast/lunch and many dinners on the road and eats snacks all night. looking for how to deal w/ my frustration because i know i cannot change his unhealthy ways ....
  • fleur_de_lis19
    fleur_de_lis19 Posts: 926 Member
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    I understand your frustration. I really do. Up till recently my husband was not on board with staying healthy and it was hard to get him to eat better because no matter what i cooked at home or didnt bring into the house, he would eat the way he wanted or buy the things he wanted anyways. I think finally after me setting an example and telling him things like "im doing this not just for myself, but to be around longer for you and our daughter" that he really got that this was a life style change that i really wanted him to join me on. He has since dropped 10lbs and gained muscle as well, eating right (or so he tells me, hes on deployment) and im very proud of him. Also when we were done with dinner i would go for evening walks with our daughter and invite him everytime i went. Soon he joined us. he didnt always go, but it was baby steps.
  • selzam2
    selzam2 Posts: 34
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    I can understand how you feel. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and have been going in opposite directions since we met! For him it's being happy and content for the first time in a while that has prompted his weight gain, while for me it was unhappiness at being above-average in size for my entire young life that motivated me to start eating better and become more active. Over the course of the past 3 years I've lost 30lbs while he's put on about the same amount. I struggle with maintenance/losing the last bit of fat while he struggles to get back on track and look the way he did when we first met. Unlike you we deal with these differences in a healthy way: having open conversations about our goals, struggles, etc. Perhaps if you two can begin having more frequent open conversations about the issue it will pave the way for some positive changes? Sort of like therapy for each of you, plus the bonus of spending time together being open about your feelings =)
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    I can understand how you feel. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and have been going in opposite directions since we met! For him it's being happy and content for the first time in a while that has prompted his weight gain, while for me it was unhappiness at being above-average in size for my entire young life that motivated me to start eating better and become more active. Over the course of the past 3 years I've lost 30lbs while he's put on about the same amount. I struggle with maintenance/losing the last bit of fat while he struggles to get back on track and look the way he did when we first met. Unlike you we deal with these differences in a healthy way: having open conversations about our goals, struggles, etc. Perhaps if you two can begin having more frequent open conversations about the issue it will pave the way for some positive changes? Sort of like therapy for each of you, plus the bonus of spending time together being open about your feelings =)

    thank you for your answer -- that's what i was looking for. tonight i signed my son up for mfp as a way to just track his food ...since he's had a year long concussion and missed last year and this year on the football team he's gained about 20 pounds. hoping that by having conversations about the son that a lightbulb will go off for my hubs and he'll want to join in also. thank you for posting :smile:
  • TinGirl314
    TinGirl314 Posts: 430 Member
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    It is very difficult to do something better for yourself and watch other people do the things the 'old you' would have done previously. There's 2 points I want to make:

    1: It's clear you love him, or you would just leave. I don't think leaving your partner because he hasn't changed is the answer to anything, but that's just my personal opinion. I guess that was more for the commenter than you. :)

    2: I don't know how 'unhealthy' you were before (it sounds like it took a while and a personal investment, congrats!) but when I was 375 pounds, I hated when anyone would bring up diet and working out. Literally I loathed them and I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's just to spite them. I think it really take the 'oh ****' light bulb to go off for some people... I guess what I'm trying to say, it try not to push real hard, it might end up making things worse.

    i know it's really hard because we don't want those moments. For me it was when I found out that my heart had tilted sideways and I had CHD, diabetes, high cholesterol (Even had pancreantitis)....really it was a lot of OMG moments that got me to where I am...
  • Tonibbls
    Tonibbls Posts: 5 Member
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    My husband is currently the same.. 11 yrs 3 kids together and we both let ourselves go. I choose to start being healthy eating better , going to bootcamp running , school and working on myself to be my best. He has consistently been my sabatoeur , down played me , and will only eat healthy if I make every meal. It is very hard when you want for them what you are trying to do for yourself . To be happy and healthy and to change. Recently my husband started running 2.7 miles a day, after much complaining by me. He has lost almost 40lbs which is awesome because he was afraid he was going to lose me. He still however will not eat right at all and I can not fix this for him, he is still a good 30lbs overweight. I can never be off of my game. I am sure you want the best for him , like you want for yourself and I think after a certain point If lifestyles are 100% different choices will have to be made . Whether its comprimise for your life or living to be the best happiest person you can be. This is where I have been at the last several months and I do love my husband , but he needs to have love for himself, also.

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