Deliberate Sabotage

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Replies

  • tammyr112
    tammyr112 Posts: 17
    My boyfriend does! I think I finally got though to him though. He likes to offer me donuts...a huge weakness for me. And Subway meatball subs :(
  • atxdee
    atxdee Posts: 613 Member
    wow why is everyone out to get you!
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
    This person isn't your friend...

    ^^^My mom and ex mother in law would do things to sabotage my parenting, oh it was frustrating!!
    We were able to come to a comfortable compromise, thankfully.

    ..With friends like that...
  • Alliwan
    Alliwan Posts: 1,245 Member
    Hubby is like this. he offers me food he knows i love after ive already eaten. bites of his food. will 'surprise' me with taco bell as a treat for..idk being me i guess. etc

    He's said he thinks ill find someone better than him if i get skinny and he LOVES me heavy so i know he does these things deliberately. Ive got to work on my own self-control so i can stop saying yes to all his treats.
  • Cuna77
    Cuna77 Posts: 75 Member
    No shame at all she is not a friend. How dare she?
    Jealous she is that you are taking control.
    As one coffee pls what a b.........
    I just say now to all my favorites.
    We own a restaurant that I do most of cooking for as well as ethnic shop with my favorite candy but no means no.
    Find a friend who will support you in you goals.
  • Effpcos
    Effpcos Posts: 350 Member
    wow why is everyone out to get you!

    Eek! I hope it's not like that! I guess part of it could be that normally I'm the person who does things for other people all the time, and lately I've been too busy to? I've started making time for me and exercise, haven't been baking for visitors etc? I still look after their kids and stuff but I guess I do shoo them out the door a bit quicker than I used to.
  • arcticfox04
    arcticfox04 Posts: 1,011 Member
    I made one of best friends girlfriend to start smoking cigarettes again.

    Then my friend broke up with her because his best friend was allergic to tobacco =)

    Shame on people with dirty habits.
  • mandersatx
    mandersatx Posts: 86
    I have dealt with the a few times in different environs. Basically what I've figured out is that some people are so afraid of change - even though it's YOUR change - that they subconciously try to keep you maintaining the status quo. As you lose weight, become more fit, start looking better, your success reminds her of her own apathy, "failure," lack of willpower, obesity, ect. When she sabotages you and you don't lose weight, it reaffirms in her mind that she "can't" lose weight either. ("I've tried everything and it just won't come off." "I think it's hormonal." "It's hereditary, so there's nothing I can do to change it.") If you succeed because you put in the effort, it's proof that should COULD do it, too. The reason she's not losing weight is her own fault, subconciously she knows it, but she's not ready to admit it to herself or put forth the effort required.

    The best thing you can do if it happens again is NOT drink it. YOUR success is in YOUR hands. Taking control of your own health means if you see her do something like that (and I've read earlier posts that you prefer to be nonconfrontational, which I completely understand!), wait til she's not looking, pour it down the sink, and make it the way you want it.

    Depending on the history you have with her, you can choose to show compassion and try to help her. Her own insecurities drive her behavior. If you know she's not going to change her behavior, you can choose to kick her to the curb. There is nothing wrong with growing apart from someone. Don't feel guilty for leaving a friendship that has become unbalanced. The person you must honor no matter what you decide is yourself.

    Good luck with your journey!
  • Effpcos
    Effpcos Posts: 350 Member
    I have dealt with the a few times in different environs. Basically what I've figured out is that some people are so afraid of change - even though it's YOUR change - that they subconciously try to keep you maintaining the status quo. As you lose weight, become more fit, start looking better, your success reminds her of her own apathy, "failure," lack of willpower, obesity, ect. When she sabotages you and you don't lose weight, it reaffirms in her mind that she "can't" lose weight either. ("I've tried everything and it just won't come off." "I think it's hormonal." "It's hereditary, so there's nothing I can do to change it.") If you succeed because you put in the effort, it's proof that should COULD do it, too. The reason she's not losing weight is her own fault, subconciously she knows it, but she's not ready to admit it to herself or put forth the effort required.

    The best thing you can do if it happens again is NOT drink it. YOUR success is in YOUR hands. Taking control of your own health means if you see her do something like that (and I've read earlier posts that you prefer to be nonconfrontational, which I completely understand!), wait til she's not looking, pour it down the sink, and make it the way you want it.

    Depending on the history you have with her, you can choose to show compassion and try to help her. Her own insecurities drive her behavior. If you know she's not going to change her behavior, you can choose to kick her to the curb. There is nothing wrong with growing apart from someone. Don't feel guilty for leaving a friendship that has become unbalanced. The person you must honor no matter what you decide is yourself.

    Good luck with your journey!

    Thank you so much, =).
    I posted this topic thinking it'd help to hear other people's experiences and instead it's helped on a whole different level, :smile:
  • afitch311
    afitch311 Posts: 8 Member
    I had a few friends that used to try to sabotage me. I eventually would avoid as much as possible outings with these people that involved food. I did have someone once actually bring me ice cream when I was trying to lose weight. I did not have the will power then that I do now and of course I ate it and was like, "k so today is ruined, may as well indulge today and restart tomorrow". Then of course it would be a week or so before I would get back on track. If you aren't willing to end the friendship (which is understandable, jealousy happens) then I'd just not do anything that involves food. Or like you said, work it off later. Or next time you see that your food was sabotaged, just pretend you didn't notice then make a comment about how it "tastes funny" then don't finish it. Best of luck!!!
  • Cait_Sidhe
    Cait_Sidhe Posts: 3,150 Member
    My cat once peed on my "New Rules of Lifting For Women" book. Complete and total SABOTAGE!
  • Cant0na
    Cant0na Posts: 34
    My cat once peed on my "New Rules of Lifting For Women" book. Complete and total SABOTAGE!

    Cats are little arseholes, that is why they secretly vomit in the bathroom doorway in the middle of the night, knowing full well you are going to walk through that doorway in bare feet at 6:00am!
  • Tank_Girl
    Tank_Girl Posts: 372 Member
    My husband sabotages me... When he knows im hungry after a workout he drags me to a takeaway... im going to start buying my snack before my workout and leave it in the van so im not hungry when he goes to takeaway

    I think hes afraid I will get too much attention from other men when I lose the weight
  • zoeluiisa
    zoeluiisa Posts: 392
    Wow, if anyone has a friend who would deliberately sabotage any area of their life, they need to get new friends!

    More likely that people sometimes forget you're on a diet - after all, it's your diet not theirs! Or, they misguidedly want to give you a treat because they think you've been depriving yourself.
  • praxisproject
    praxisproject Posts: 154 Member
    I think there's a few different kinds of sabotage, some of them are even well meaning.

    1. Fear - this is the partners or friends who are afraid you'll "leave them behind" or fear you are planning right now to leave/upgrade. These ones need a good talking to, and some reassurance. It's good to point out that being unsupportive of your dreams and goals is not a trait you value in friends/partners, so won't convince you to stay.

    2. Jealous - I think your friend fits in here, it's not about you, it's about her. These ones are always a problem though, unless they're family, consider letting them go if they can't get over it. Tampering with someone's food behind their back is nasty, very disrespectful and dangerous (also illegal most places). If you don't want to confront her in person, do it on the phone, but you should have it out with her, don't give her permission to drug your food, it might be rat poison another time. These ones get worse over time, unless they deal with whatever is bugging them. Some of these only want a "fat friend", so once you don't fit the bill, they'll be ditching you anyway.

    3. Ignorance - These are the ones who are just clueless, they often mean well, but just have no idea. Usually either very healthy or very skinny and not through sensible diet, just lucky ;)

    4. Sympathy - These ones mean well, but get it all backwards. "You've been working so hard, you deserve a donut/cake/pastry". Educate them and they'll get better. Give them some examples of better treats they can get that you can actually eat (healthy).

    5. Show offs - These ones are tricky, and some can really be #2. If someone pushes food at you, but only food they make, or bring, they may just be show offs. Throw out some loud compliments and ask for the recipe, but don't eat it. If they persist, probably one of the other numbers.
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Since you believe it's deliberate sabotage, and since it's likely a flaw in your friend driving her behaviour, and since you aren't responsible for trying to fix your friend, I say DTMFA and get a better friend.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    I would have done this:

    chappelle.gif
  • IronSmasher
    IronSmasher Posts: 3,908 Member
    It's weird isn't it? From my time in the forces, men seem to support weight loss by publicly ridiculing the overweight (men), and teasing them for making poor food choices.
  • csuhar
    csuhar Posts: 779 Member
    What I recommend is not necessarily avoid her, but if she does something that you think is sabotage, politely ask her not to do that. You don't need to say anything about your concern that she's sabotaging you, but something more gentle like "could I just have black coffee" or "could I please have a cup without so much sugar". These statements could come either as she's putting the items in the coffee or even after she's handed it to you. The reason I'd suggest this is that it's a gentle way of letting her know you've noticed what she's done without attacking her.

    I can't judge from my outsider perspective if she's sabotaging you because she put those things in your coffee and not hers. The question I'd have is how you normally took your coffee. Perhaps she's thinking she's giving it to you the way you like it while she's doing without sugar and milk because she's decided that's where she's going to cut calories. In my family, the general knowledge is that my mother basically does what we call "coffee flavored milk", so our default behavior is to put a lot of milk in hers if we're preparing it for her. We're not trying to treat her differently, we just usually expect that that's what she wants.

    But do try and keep your friendship going and ask her not to do those things, especially because you say your friendship is okay in other areas. That will be the test. If she respects you, she'll stop when you ask her to. If she keeps "forgetting" when you ask her, then there's a problem.

    Years ago, I was very sick and the doctors emphasized getting as many calories in me as possible while I was fighting that illness. The result was that, as my parents watched their own diet, they'd give me extra. After I'd gotten better, was back to watching my intake, and no longer needed the "bonus" calories in my meal, I noticed that they still would do that when I came over for dinner. I simply asked them, outright, to please stop giving me larger portions because I no longer needed it and it made it harder for me to watch my intake. Now, I get the same size portions they get. They didn't mean anything by it. They weren't even in the conscious mindset of "he needs the extra calories" that was relevant when I was sick. They were simply in an absent-minded habit of giving me extra.
  • areufnkiddingme
    areufnkiddingme Posts: 99 Member
    This
    What I recommend is not necessarily avoid her, but if she does something that you think is sabotage, politely ask her not to do that. You don't need to say anything about your concern that she's sabotaging you, but something more gentle like "could I just have black coffee" or "could I please have a cup without so much sugar". These statements could come either as she's putting the items in the coffee or even after she's handed it to you. The reason I'd suggest this is that it's a gentle way of letting her know you've noticed what she's done without attacking her.

    I can't judge from my outsider perspective if she's sabotaging you because she put those things in your coffee and not hers. The question I'd have is how you normally took your coffee. Perhaps she's thinking she's giving it to you the way you like it while she's doing without sugar and milk because she's decided that's where she's going to cut calories. In my family, the general knowledge is that my mother basically does what we call "coffee flavored milk", so our default behavior is to put a lot of milk in hers if we're preparing it for her. We're not trying to treat her differently, we just usually expect that that's what she wants.

    But do try and keep your friendship going and ask her not to do those things, especially because you say your friendship is okay in other areas. That will be the test. If she respects you, she'll stop when you ask her to. If she keeps "forgetting" when you ask her, then there's a problem.

    Years ago, I was very sick and the doctors emphasized getting as many calories in me as possible while I was fighting that illness. The result was that, as my parents watched their own diet, they'd give me extra. After I'd gotten better, was back to watching my intake, and no longer needed the "bonus" calories in my meal, I noticed that they still would do that when I came over for dinner. I simply asked them, outright, to please stop giving me larger portions because I no longer needed it and it made it harder for me to watch my intake. Now, I get the same size portions they get. They didn't mean anything by it. They weren't even in the conscious mindset of "he needs the extra calories" that was relevant when I was sick. They were simply in an absent-minded habit of giving me extra.
  • dittmarml
    dittmarml Posts: 351 Member
    Hubby is like this. he offers me food he knows i love after ive already eaten. bites of his food. will 'surprise' me with taco bell as a treat for..idk being me i guess. etc

    He's said he thinks ill find someone better than him if i get skinny and he LOVES me heavy so i know he does these things deliberately. Ive got to work on my own self-control so i can stop saying yes to all his treats.

    And perhaps you could suggest sweetly that the real issue is fear you'll leave him and suggest that the two of you might work on _that_ rather than have him help damage your health.

    I did say "sweetly"....
  • AngryDiet
    AngryDiet Posts: 1,349 Member
    Hubby is like this. he offers me food he knows i love after ive already eaten. bites of his food. will 'surprise' me with taco bell as a treat for..idk being me i guess. etc

    He's said he thinks ill find someone better than him if i get skinny and he LOVES me heavy so i know he does these things deliberately. Ive got to work on my own self-control so i can stop saying yes to all his treats.

    And perhaps you could suggest sweetly that the real issue is fear you'll leave him and suggest that the two of you might work on _that_ rather than have him help damage your health.

    I did say "sweetly"....

    My response would be to say, "Oh, yeah, now that you mention it I probably could do better. Thanks for the suggestion!"
  • ShmoozyQ
    ShmoozyQ Posts: 390 Member
    Wowzer, you need a new friend!

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