Newly divorced...

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  • Phaedra2014
    Phaedra2014 Posts: 1,254 Member
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    Okay, as you may gather from the title, I'm divorced, waiting on papers to be finalized....I haven't been single in 10 years, aka since I've been an adult. How's the game work these days for a single 26 year old, nursing student with 2 kids?? lol...all advice, tips, pointers and HOT GUYS welcome haha!! And ladies, I know you all have some kinda advice ;)

    Take some time for yourself before dating. Your kids need you now more than ever.
  • kealambert
    kealambert Posts: 961 Member
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    the kids will make dating tough. Nobody really wants someone else's baggage. I was lucky to find a kid free 30 year old when I finally decided to settle down. We both agreed it is tough to find non-divorced and non-parents these days.
    You're a jerk.

    or he has different wants than you....
  • Jonesie86
    Jonesie86 Posts: 446 Member
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    Oh don't get me wrong. I didn't let kids get in the way of me sleeping with their moms. I just wasn't about to stick around and raise a Brady Bunch.

    I am sure you can find some guy who will though.

    I think what this guy is trying to say is.....it takes a man to take on a WOMAN and her CHILDREN. It takes a skeezy tool to fu*k a MOM with a BRADY BUNCH. I should make sure I don't find someone like him.

    End lesson.
  • purpleroadrunner
    purpleroadrunner Posts: 252 Member
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    well I am going thru the divorce process myself and the advice I have been getting is not to look, that I am not ready for a relationship, which really suck cause it is tough and it is lonely, and I have been going bat@#$% crazy. :P like the other advice that has been stated is get a hobby and sound like you have two little hobbies that make it all worth while, and what I have been told flirt, joke, be yourself but do not go from a bad releationship to a terrible relationship.
  • purpleroadrunner
    purpleroadrunner Posts: 252 Member
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    P.S Good Luck :)
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    the kids will make dating tough. Nobody really wants someone else's baggage. I was lucky to find a kid free 30 year old when I finally decided to settle down. We both agreed it is tough to find non-divorced and non-parents these days.
    You're a jerk.

    It's not tough whatsoever. You will find you may want to date someone with kids too. That person will understand your time constraints and how your kids come first better than anyone else. But I dated people without kids, and if they have a genuine interest in them, or want there own it is totally ok.

    Kids are NOT baggage, they are a gift from god. An ex CAN be baggage if you let them. I am with a guy who has kids. I am around his ex, he is around mine. Everyone is cool. It doesn't have to be crazy, people make it that way. We have all moved on, so we can act like adults for our kids.
  • nukehiker
    nukehiker Posts: 457
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    going through the divorce process also. i have a 9 year old daughter and 14 year old step daughter. have been separated for about 6 months. have recently started seeing someone. you have to make the best decision for you and your kids. if the guy is worth it he will accept your kids as they are. if not his loss not yours. best of luck to you in the future !
  • TheMommyWifeLife
    TheMommyWifeLife Posts: 194 Member
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    Oh don't get me wrong. I didn't let kids get in the way of me sleeping with their moms. I just wasn't about to stick around and raise a Brady Bunch.

    I am sure you can find some guy who will though.

    I think what this guy is trying to say is.....it takes a man to take on a WOMAN and her CHILDREN. It takes a skeezy tool to fu*k a MOM with a BRADY BUNCH. I should make sure I don't find someone like him.

    End lesson.

    LOLOLOL Love this one girl! See you got what I got from that, except that I agree with you, but most guys truly aren't like that. You just have to make sure that they aren't before you let them get too close to your children. And if he seriously wants to have you sleep with him withing the first week, get away from him!
  • d_Mode
    d_Mode Posts: 880 Member
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    Live your life the way you want to...the rest will fall into place. Good luck to you.
  • DOElston
    DOElston Posts: 102
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    Don't rush into anything. When you've been married, it takes some time to get single again. You do not want to bring any previous "baggage" into something new. \

    Even if you have lost something that may not have been good, it is still a loss and you have to deal with that psychologically. Your priority is keeping you and your children cared for and on a good path. Do not sacrifice your goals or your children's well-being for anyone or anything.
  • Jenn97355
    Jenn97355 Posts: 103 Member
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    Okay, as you may gather from the title, I'm divorced, waiting on papers to be finalized....I haven't been single in 10 years, aka since I've been an adult. How's the game work these days for a single 26 year old, nursing student with 2 kids?? lol...all advice, tips, pointers and HOT GUYS welcome haha!! And ladies, I know you all have some kinda advice ;)

    Feels like I wrote this lol. I'm divorced, waiting on papers to be finalized, haven't been single in about 11 years (not all one relationship, but consecutive it seemed) I"m also 26 and I have 2 kids. Unfortunately, my city feels like it's a cesspool for mutant men. It's really disheartening and discouraging. I don't even bother dating. I know that's not helpful at all, lol.....

    I really don't know how to date? lol

    weird... I am in the same boat. I have no advice, as I am JUST starting my new life.... as a single mom with an almost 12 yr old daughter, and I am about to go to school!
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
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    Also, please do not bash the children's father (or father figure) in front of them or even if they are in the same house at the time.

    I am a child of two divorced parents who hated each other, and it caused me a lot of stress growing up being always stuck between two families that couldn't get along with each other. The backhanded comments my mom or dad would make about the other in front of me were the worst too. It always made me feel like maybe they felt like that about me, even if they said otherwise.

    Be mindful of this.
  • peterdt
    peterdt Posts: 820 Member
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    Read a book or two on how to handle the transition, here's a link to Amazon with search "divorce". With kids involved the transition gets a bit complicated. Wishing you, your family, and your ex happiness, a life fulfilled, and a fresh start.

    http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=divorce&rh=i:aps,k:divorce
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member
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    I agree with the people that say take some time before dating again, I have been a subject to many rebound marriages and then divorces affecting my life in oh so wretched ways (both as a child and as the 'new' wife). You need to figure out who you are when you're alone - it's different. Heck my hubby travels 4 of 7 days a week and the life I lead when he's gone is a totalllllyy different one from when he's home. It's a girly house with loud music and just different from when he's home :) I digress...You need time to settle into your new life.

    As for all the baggage comments....I would say that children from prevoius relationships can be both things...a blessing and baggage, at once! Of course I would never tell THEM that. However, I see how my stepsister and I affected a second marriage, how I affected another 2nd marriage and subsequent 3rd marriages. I also see how having a child not of your marriage (my daughter/step/adopted...it's complicated...) anyways I see how that would make for a non-ideal marriage from emotional, logistical as well as financial standpoints. When people say 'baggage' sometimes what they really mean is complicated...for instance if it works out between you guys where will you spend holidays? Will you be stuck never visiting family because the kids aren't allowed to travel on holidays? What about job offers? Can you move? What about if you have more children together, will they be treated differently? Will there be money left for the new children's college (a problem I believe my father may face in a few years with my youngest brothers.)

    I'm just saying, If a man is looking to have certain things (a honeymoon period) and traditional family I can see them being turned off by there already being kids in the picture. It's not that he doesn't like kids, or that he doesn't like you! It's a tough situation and to say otherwise is rediculous.

    I'm not saying there aren't men out there who are okay with this, but just don't assume that every guy not okay with it is a womanizing *kitten* (ie dude from earlier), they just may have a good idea of how they want their life to play out and the guts to go for it. (as always look out for the womanizing bastsards, many will *pretend* to be all for about the kids to get you into bed)
  • tgh1914
    tgh1914 Posts: 1,036 Member
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    I would hope that you're not "most guys" ....

    I would say every guy was at one point in time. Sure I am 100% devoted to my wife and kid now. However that took a lot of growing. 5 years ago I was devoted to myself, my career and my wallet. And as discussed before what I would get from others.
    Don't put us all into your category man. Not all of us take as long as you to figure out life a little.
  • Jonesie86
    Jonesie86 Posts: 446 Member
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    I would hope that you're not "most guys" ....

    I would say every guy was at one point in time. Sure I am 100% devoted to my wife and kid now. However that took a lot of growing. 5 years ago I was devoted to myself, my career and my wallet. And as discussed before what I would get from others.
    Don't put us all into your category man. Not all of us take as long as you to figure out life a little.

    You tell it...lol. Don't worry, I won't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch :)
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
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    I've been there and done that twice. Here's my advice, no matter what you think or how you feel now, you need time alone. Lots of time alone; Like a couple years at least. What I learned from my first one is that the kids get set on the shelf when the parents immediately go out and hook up. New relationships require hard work, time and dedication. So do children. Speaking for myself, I can't do both. I don't have the money, time, or resources. So, while sometimes it sucks, I've made a decision this time to simply focus on raising my kids. Once they are older, like in college, I'll turn my attention to finding someone to hang out with. However, I am open to something happening, like if I meet 'the one', I'm going to listen to that and pursue it. But, until then, I'm not looking or trying at all...not interested. I do need a fling here and there, so that happens.

    It's hard because there are times when I'd like a companion. But, overall, I feel like I'm doing the right thing.
  • Iceman1800
    Iceman1800 Posts: 476
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    The number one rule for newly single mothers. You are still a woman and be one on the first date. The guy Isnt looking for a mother so turn the mom switch off. It's not that your kids aren't important and any decent guy understands the kids are your first priority. But he is dating you, not them. Now if it becomes serious, he is then pretty much dating the whole family. But before then, its you and him
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I was pretty much where you are now, but it was 22 years ago. I was 23, newly divorce and had a toddler. Then I met my (now) husband. I told him from the beginning that my son and I were a package deal. He had no problem with that (he was 30). Matter of fact, he ended up being more of a father to my son than my ex-husband was.

    There are plenty of good guys out there. Good luck!
  • BrooklynTico
    BrooklynTico Posts: 35
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    Okay, as you may gather from the title, I'm divorced, waiting on papers to be finalized....I haven't been single in 10 years, aka since I've been an adult. How's the game work these days for a single 26 year old, nursing student with 2 kids?? lol...all advice, tips, pointers and HOT GUYS welcome haha!! And ladies, I know you all have some kinda advice ;)

    Yes! Fresh meat :laugh:

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