Is it so much to ask

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  • holli_walker
    holli_walker Posts: 109 Member
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    I have had a talk with my husband about stuff like this. He thinks me losing weight will make me stop loving him. Which isnt true. Maybe have a sit down heart to heart. How it hurts your feelings when he does this. Tell him why you trying to get health. To live longer for him and the kids. I told my husband I love him anf that is why he needs to join the journey with me. But wish the best of luck relationships have there ups and downs. It just know if you love each other enough to work through it.
  • nettersaurus
    nettersaurus Posts: 50
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    I don't want to take sides but maybe he's feeling insecure about himself and is lashing out at you. I've been in a similar situation before and looking back, it seems that the only flaws my ex pointed out about me were things he was dealing with himself. People who don't like things about themselves will focus on those things in others. I definitely do agree with number of things already said though like couselling or letting him fend for himself. I know it's hard, I can definitely relate but you need to think about you and being the best, healhiest you for your children.
  • RedHeadDevotchka
    RedHeadDevotchka Posts: 1,394 Member
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    Not too much to ask. That is difficult! I don't have an answer, but that does suck.
  • StinkyWinkies
    StinkyWinkies Posts: 603 Member
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    I don't know you or your husband, perhaps what he meant (because sometimes we all say things that mean something different that the actual words) is "why is that good enough to feed your kids but not good enough for you to eat?" Or maybe it's his way of saying "don't me and the kids deserve to eat healthy, too?"

    Try having a conversation (as many others have written) with him, find out, if you can, what his thoughts *really* are about your lifestyle change.
  • emcdonie
    emcdonie Posts: 190 Member
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    Yes, he should be supporting you that would certainly be ideal. I am so sorry you feel he is not. However, I passionately disagree with all of the advice on just leaving him. Marriage is FAR FAR too precious.

    If a marriage is going to surive, there needs to be a lot more selflessness and a lot less of self. (not saying you personally are selfish, but it is a general thing most people struggle with on some level) Also, I am not saying a person doesn't ever have to consider their own well being. Of course they do.

    However, just as ANY person would hope the one they love would forgive their shortcomings....forgive his. We have ALL acted like total stinkerpots at one point in our life, and fortunately some folks are kind enough to forgive it.

    Talk to him. Sincerely go to him, not in anger, but in truth and simply tell him how he is making you feel. Likely as not he might be feeling insecure from the changes. Often when one spouse begins changing to healthy habits and eating the other is suddenly feeling guilty of their own lack of change or various other emotions.

    Have patience and forgiveness with him. Finally keep up the good changes, they are certainly an awesome thing. Don't be discouraged at all, you can totally do it. Hopefully he will come around in time.
  • BeckySue1977
    BeckySue1977 Posts: 91 Member
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    If your husband mocks and ridicules you, there are bigger problems going on than just him being unsupportive of you diet! I think a sit down, serious talk, is in order.

    I agree with this. You guys have bigger issues than just what to eat at mealtime. I've been through a verbally abusive marriage and after considerable thought I decided that in order for me to be happy I had to make a tough choice and file for divorce. To every one who says "just leave him", really, you think that is supportive? It's not that easy, especially since children are involved.

    Sending you a big hug :flowerforyou: . Please talk to your husband about this and if he is still resistant suggest that you go to counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself!!! You deserve to be happy, whatever that entails!

    This!
    Marriage is work. For everyone involved. It isn't always roses, but if both are willing to put in the work, it can be wonderful!
    You mentioned hubby is blowing money on junk food instead of paying bills, so I'm not sure if counseling is financially viable for you. But if it is available through insurance or maybe through your church, then please please pursue it!
    You cannot change anyone but yourself, but you can adjust how you react to others and the example you set for your kids.
    If hubby isn't willing to go with you, please find time for you to go for yourself and your kids.
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
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    I kinda have that with my husband, but he knows that i am not going back as far as eating out and not buying fresh stuff, so he buys his own junk, and while there is some junk food in our house, i actually measure out and weigh out everything to make sure its one serving. With that being said, he should be more supportive, and my husband and i we talk about why he does what he does and why i am doing what i am doing, and it has worked out well so far.
  • sarahisme18
    sarahisme18 Posts: 574 Member
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    It is so NOT okay that he isn't being supportive.... but just thought, maybe it is coming from his own insecurities about where he is at? People who are struggling themselves sometimes hide behind being cruel to those they are jealous of—you are having more willpower, strength, courage, and seeing many changes that maybe he wants to see too. My bro-in-law went through the same thing with his parents when he was trying to get healthy and lose weight—but he was gentle and tried to be understanding with them, even though they were being really nasty about it, and eventually they got on the bandwagon with him. Who knows, maybe that will help your husband?

    If it doesn't, nothing you can do. But, worth a try maybe! Everyone is going through something, even if they try not to show it and become a bully instead.
  • renatte68
    renatte68 Posts: 8
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    I don't think it is right or helpful for people to tell someone they don't know to leave a spouse. A marriage should not be disposable.

    It is not right that he is not supportive of you. If you asked him why he isn't supportive of you what might he say? He might be intimidated by you changing and therefore attempting to sabbotage you. Or he might just be a jerk. Was he always a jerk or did things change at some point?

    I have noticed since I have been married that men absolutely hate being told what to do. He may see your positive changes as conviction of his own lifestyle and even if you're not pointing a finger at him he may feel it nonetheless.

    I always remind people that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. Figure out your part of this situation (every relationship is 50/50) and make the positive changes for your marriage that you can. If you are being a blessing to him then maybe he'll come along more quickly. One way to do that is to ask him how you might be supportive of something in his life. He might not know, but put it out there.

    God bless you! I pray things improve soon, but stay the course and do your best. You're already improving your life.
  • 126siany
    126siany Posts: 1,386 Member
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    I'm sorry that your husband is not only failing to support you, he's actually trying to mock you and get in the way of your goals. You're right, he should be supportive at best and neutral at worst. There's a level of contempt in his behavior that's very toxic to a marriage.

    Is there any chance that you can speak to him about whatever is driving his behavior and possibly sort this out?
  • chicadejmu
    chicadejmu Posts: 171 Member
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    Sounds like you guys definitely have some relationship issue. My hubby and I have our problems but he doesn't mock me for trying to become healthier. That's just wrong. Hope you guys can figure things out.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
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    Okay, it's not like I don't know we have issues in our relationship---we do. Way more than I care to talk about to complete strangers. We cannot afford counseling, which is why we haven't gone to anyone. I've looked around and no one close enough does anything on a sliding scale or anything of the like.

    And for those telling me to "just leave," it isn't that simple. I have two small kids and no one to watch them so I can go look for work and get a job. I have no friends or family to turn to. Why else would I need MFP for cyber support? That's why I'm here.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
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    Talk to him. Sincerely go to him, not in anger, but in truth and simply tell him how he is making you feel. Likely as not he might be feeling insecure from the changes.

    I have. He's too stupid. He doesn't care, he'll go in another room and shut the door on me. Yelling, talking, doesn't matter. And every argument or fight is my fault and I'm overreacting. I never knew it was so much to ask that I AT LEAST don't get mocked for bettering myself. If he doesn't like it, get the **** over it and let me be.
  • 2011Eileen
    2011Eileen Posts: 63 Member
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    To be mocked and etc by your hubby is so sad. Is he maybe scared that others may be looking at you, even if he is...you should not be treated that way. I feel so sorry for you, am I am so lucky to have lots of support especially by my hubby. Hugs to you
  • joharr79
    joharr79 Posts: 5 Member
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    If your husband mocks and ridicules you, there are bigger problems going on than just him being unsupportive of you diet! I think a sit down, serious talk, is in order.

    This.

    It's one thing to not be supportive, that's bad enough. But you should not put up with him mocking you.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    tumblr_m52ku9WVYD1qke924o1_500.png

    (its also not about who he thinks you are- show him otherwise)
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
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    tumblr_m52ku9WVYD1qke924o1_500.png

    (its also not about who he thinks you are- show him otherwise)

    That's exactly what I did last night. Ate right all day, actually way under my calories by accident =( and worked out hard.
  • FabMrFox
    FabMrFox Posts: 259 Member
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    two sides to every story. Have you by chance subjected him to years of yo-yo diets/cleanses etc? it's possible this might be why he isn't supportive. could also just be a jerk :)
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
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    You could always tell him you want to start taking out life insurance policies on him, since it's obvious you'll be around a lot longer.

    Kidding aside, keep doing what you're doing. He sounds like he's afraid of change and is worried he won't be able to keep up with you. The mocking thing has to stop though - that's just cruel. I would talk to him about it and ask what's really going on. Sometimes when people make nasty comments to us, it's more about them than it is about us.
  • miriamwithcats
    miriamwithcats Posts: 1,120 Member
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    Mocking and ridicule are forms of verbal abuse. Get the book, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, read it, and decide if this is what you want to live with the rest of your life. It is a learned behavior that is very hard to get people to stop doing. Unless he is motivated, all the marital counseling in the world will not help. And you are young, things will only escalate. Often verbal abuse leads to physical abuse or worse. Educate yourself about verbal abuse, and then explore your options.

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