How/When, if ever to tell someone he/she is obese.

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  • martintanz
    martintanz Posts: 280
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    If you think that person doesn't know they're obese, you're oblivious imo. They know. They will deal with it when/if they are ready. Being pushed into it by a force outside themselves, either positive or negative, will not work and will only be upsetting. Change has to come from within. I find this true even for family members - say something only if you want to hurt their feelings, because even if you motivate them to try now until THEY want to make the change - truly want it - it won't work. We know this all the time from MFP, that it's a lifestyle change that has to happen, so it always makes me shake my head when people are like "How do I tell someone they're obese?" They know they're obese. What are you going to accomplish by saying something?

    I generally agree, except that in my case, I think I was deluding myself about my obesity for the last couple of years. Though I had gained over 60 lbs, in my mind, I was still the guy who lost 60 lbs 8 years ago, not the guy who gained it all back (and then some) over the last 4.


    And if someone had told you you were obese, would you have changed because they told you?

    People have. The answer is, sometimes, but only when I was ready.
  • meghan6867
    meghan6867 Posts: 388 Member
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    I think if the message is coming from a good place (i.e.: you are concerned for the health and well-being of the individual) and it is coming from a trusted friend, family member, or medical professional then having a discussion about weight might be appropriate.

    Strangers fat-shaming news anchors is downright ridiculous, disrespectful, and (in my opinion) none of their concern.

    I understand that we want healthy media figures as role models for youth today, but shaming someone for their weight is not a message you want to send either. This news anchor had it right when she said : "You don't know me, you are not a friend of mine...you know nothing about me." This "concerned citizen" has no right to criticize someone he/she does not know. He/she does not know anything about this woman or the reasons behind her weight. Consequently, he/she should have kept mum on the issue.

    And there is my morning rant for the day... :smile:
  • njgirl50
    njgirl50 Posts: 62 Member
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    It doesn't matter how overweight you are, in order to lose it, you have to want to do it - if not you really aren't going to succeed. My boyfriend has made comments about my weight in the past, but I was not in the right frame of mind and ignored him(plus he is overweight too) I would not approach someone I did not know, or only knew slightly to tell them they need to lose - I do not feel that is my business.If someone approaches me and asks what I am doing to lose, then I am only too happy to share. Lets face it, losing weight is hard work, really no magic pill but in the end it will all be worth it when we reach our goals
  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
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    Never.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    There are three things that I avoid discussing with people:

    - their weight - skinny or obese, nobody likes to be criticized,
    - their religion - we are all grown ups and make our own choices,
    - their political affiliation - same reason as above.

    All of the above are unnecessary conflict and allienation creating discussions, so I try to avoid them as much as possible.

    What the hell do you talk about then? :laugh:

    Politics and religion are my favorite discussions with my friends. But then, I'm a political activist and a Christian. :tongue:
  • belladonna786
    belladonna786 Posts: 1,165 Member
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    Obese people know they are obese they need not be told. now ugly people thats a different story…

    also everyone has their time, its not your place to tell them when that should be.
  • MissSusieQ
    MissSusieQ Posts: 533 Member
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    my immediate family can tell me I need to lose weight. Theyre my blood and as such can have a say in these matters.

    I personally think that outside immediate family, the only time you should tell people flat out that they need to lose weight is when they ask 'do I need to lose weight?'. even if it's my best friend, as much as I love her, I don't get to tell her what to do! it's not like she wouldn't know she's fat!

    in the media or not, I don't think the weight or shape of a stranger is ever any of my business. I might have thoughts about other people's size, but I keep them to myself. someone wise once said 'opinions are like a*** holes. everyone has one and nobody's interested in yours' :)
  • banshishi
    banshishi Posts: 197
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    The only thing you really would do is cause hurt and upset,the only time you get a positive response is if they were already thinking about trying to change, then they might be open to a discussion, to be honest, anyone mentioning my weight when I was over 315lbs, got told in no uncertain terms to go forth and multiply... it took a series of things, for me to decide, for myself that I was going to change...and even after losing 100lbs + and keeping it off for a long time, 5yrs later I started to gain again, (hence back here) ... and again it took ME deciding to cap it and get back on the wagon, not something someone said...

    At best you are going to cause someone to feel bad, at worst you going to punched in the gob! Stay away from the fat chat! They know, and they live with comments, looks, judgement every single day.
  • SideSteel
    SideSteel Posts: 11,068 Member
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    The question I would ask is this:

    Do you think the obese person is not aware that they are obese? I would think that the vast majority are well aware of it.

    ^ I posted something on my wall about this, after I posted this here. It turns out that in at least some cases, I'm wrong about the above.

    I'm still not sure where I stand on the "should you tell them" and "in what context", but as it seems per my wall conversation, there are a number of people who either were told, or wish they were told, and found it beneficial.

    Just additional food for thought.
  • californiagirl2012
    californiagirl2012 Posts: 2,625 Member
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    No need to say anything. The person already knows it. They will do something about it when an if they are ready. THEY OWN TIER BODY, just like you own yours.
  • markpmc
    markpmc Posts: 240 Member
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    A fat/obese person already knows there's an issue with weight. They'll have to get to a point where the excuses about working out no longer make sense to them. Then they'll shoe some determination and change.

    Lets face it. It's basically a personal decision.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
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    You don't every need to tell someone they're overweight, I think, except a parent of an underage child where the parent is responsible for their health.

    People know they are overweight.

    On the other hand, I think if a person is complaining about their health and talking about their health, talking about weight or eating habits as a contributor to it makes a lot of sense and is, I think, appropriate. Especially if you frame it as a question so it throws it back to them to think about and open or close the conversation about.

    It's tough. My brother-in-law, in particular, is morbidly obese and its causing him serious health problems. I'm really scared he's killing himself with his teeth. And he knows that, so my telling him that won't help. But in the context of talking about his bad back and painful shoulder and horrible knees - all weight related - I can ask him if his doctor has any ideas about how he might lose weight, talk about what has helped me, and talk about other options that might work for him.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
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    It's appropriate when you are someone close to her who does it with love and concern (this is still touchy).

    It's okay if you are her doctor.

    It's okay if she asks.

    Other than that, no. Like the newscaster said, it wasn't any new information to her. She knows she's overweight, even obese. It's not like you are giving the person information she doesn't already know. How many people, really, would her "you're fat/overweight/obese (etc)" and react sincerely with "wow, I didn't realize that, thank you so much for enlightening me"
  • AbbsyBabbsy
    AbbsyBabbsy Posts: 184 Member
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    This is one of the many negatives of being obese. Everyone thinks your body is their business. And people you barely know can say whatever they please about it as long as they throw in some line about "being concerned for your health."

    That's what struck me most about the incident with the reporter. Some stranger who wasn't even a regular viewer of her show thought he was so damn important that he could and should have a say in how much she weighed. He thought he should be the motivating factor for her weight loss. Don't do it for your husband or your three daughters. Do it because some random person emailed you. Sure.

    You say your coworker owes it to his family to lose weight. That's between him and his family. You say the lady at the gym can't do her job properly. That's between her and her employer. Hopefully, you'll see that you don't fit into these people's lives in any significant way and that this is not your place.
  • BruteSquad
    BruteSquad Posts: 373 Member
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    The only three people I spoke to about them being obese were family members, and I didn't call them fat or obese. I simply said I was worried about their health. The hardest was my youngest brother. He still tells himself he is just a little overweight. I told him simply he needed to get a check up as he has two little girls and it is obvious that he is not the man he once was. He knows I love him. He knows it is genuine concern, but I don't call anyone out except myself. They know they are obese. I know, no one had to tell me.
  • GeorgieLove708
    GeorgieLove708 Posts: 442 Member
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    In my opinion it is never, ever okay for a person (regardless of personal relationship) to tell another that they are obese, with the exception being that person's doctors. Every single obese person can see and feel that they are obese, they do not need you to tell them they are. Telling them they are obese is highly unlikely to cause them to start eating better and exercising, they have to reach that point themselves. In fact, up until a few months ago, if someone said something about my weight, it set me back months, it didn't push me further in the right direction.
    Not only is it not ever someone else's place (again with the exception of doctors) to tell you when you're obese, it's none of their business any way.
  • PLUMSGRL
    PLUMSGRL Posts: 1,134 Member
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    No one has the "right" to tell another person that they are overweight, unless it directly affects their job performance (ex: military, police, firefighter, EMT/paramedic).
    Got a feeling the person you are referring to already knows. They may be going through some "stuff" that is either depressing themselves, or it could be medically related.
    Either way best policy is MYOB, just do you!
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    The question I would ask is this:

    Do you think the obese person is not aware that they are obese? I would think that the vast majority are well aware of it.

    ^ I posted something on my wall about this, after I posted this here. It turns out that in at least some cases, I'm wrong about the above.

    I'm still not sure where I stand on the "should you tell them" and "in what context", but as it seems per my wall conversation, there are a number of people who either were told, or wish they were told, and found it beneficial.

    Just additional food for thought.

    My new theory is that the ones who believe that *all* obese people are aware of their predicament are people that noticed it themselves, perhaps even stressed over it. Those of us who didn't realize it were ones who used to be healthy and have self-confidence and high self-esteem, so avoiding mirrors is all it took to remain oblivious to our condition.
  • jillica
    jillica Posts: 554 Member
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    How do they not know already?
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
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    The only person who ever told me I was obese was my crazy cardiologist. I love him. He is, however, somewhat over the top sometimes.

    I still remember the conversation. He came in with his handheld body fat meter and said, "hold this out in front of you." Then, he said, "you know your BMI is 33, that means you're fully obese right?" BF% came back at 46% putting me WELL into obesity.

    I hated him for saying it to me then, but I went home, and I started thinking, "how the hell did I end up like this?" The next day I started making changes for the better.

    That being said, he's probably the only person I'd have ever accepted that from. I would've gotten defensive and angry if anyone else had said something to me about it.

    Long story short, you better know the person VERY well to say something like that or be in a position of medical authority. Otherwise, don't say a peep.

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