How/When, if ever to tell someone he/she is obese.
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Agree, you know if your heavy or not! No one needs to be told unless its by their doctor and they are offering help!I don't think you say anything. I have trouble believing most people aren't aware they've gained weight.
The only way I could see bringing it up is as a discussion about healthy habits. I wouldn't mention weight though unless they ask you for help.0 -
People know when they're fat, they just don't do anything about it.
If you're close with them, bring up how YOU are trying to be more healthy and maybe they'll follow.0 -
I got told lol I heard people whispering about the size of my butt as I walked past in the street!
Did I like it ...NO, did it upset me...OFC, am I glad I heard it...YES!
I am happier that a person I didn't know made the comments, rather than someone I was close too. I would have been more hurt if it came from a loved one than someone I don't care about.
It also made me come home and properly look in the mirror and realise it was true..I had a giant sized butt
I ate because I was stressed out with my family (Mum issues lol) and I honestly just didn't realise how far I had let myself go...crazy I didn't realise because I had been buying bigger and bigger clothes etc but I still thought I looked ok and I didn't I wore rose tinted goggles about that sideor size of me lol.
So now I would say Thank you to the whisperer if I saw them again, because it prompted me to try change myself and begin to lose the weight.0 -
I think unless you're a friend or a family member you shouldn't comment on someones weight. Its really not your place, and the chances of it being taken offensively are too high. My sister told me when my weight started creeping up. Of course I was aware but her observation let me know that everyone else was also aware lol. I'm still mad at my parents for not telling me I was fat in jr. high and high school. I look at the pictures now and its totally disgusting. My parents used to always say "you look fine" or "you weight is just fine" LIARS LIARS pants on fire!
If my future kids start becoming over weight I will most definitely let them know, and work on it with them as I wish my parents had done for me.0 -
NEVER.
As a "morbidly obese" person, I can honestly say it will hurt them deeply. My mother texted me the other day. I had no idea what had happened in her day ( at the time) to prompt this text, but she said she loved me and was worried about my health. She said she wanted me to outlive her. I replied " right back at ya babe!" with a smiley face... but I was crushed.
Later I found out she had been in the ER ( Registered Nurse) and had a 38 yr old woman ( obese) who had coded.
I am 37.... it made her freak out!
Needless to say, it was a bad day. We've talked and it is resolved. BUT I would say it is never anyone elses place to inform someone that they are obese, need to lose weight, need to work out, etc.
WE ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
Same. I never really noticed either until I actually started looking at people.
The other thing is that Masschusetts usually ranks in the top 5 for "least obese" states.Probably right. Funny that 3 months in and I suddenly notice obese people all over the place that I hadn't notiiced before. As I said, I think that except for a few moments of clarity, I managed to avoid seeing myself as I actually was.0 -
Just my two cents - I really was deluded about my weight BOTH times I got big. The first time is understandable but the second - I really should have known better. Yes I knew I was bigger but I completely denied that I was that much bigger. The worst was all the people telling me how fabulous and amazing I looked - it helped me delude myself further. Thankfully in both cases I had a friend or family member that cared enough to say something - one tactfully, the other not so much, but either way the message got through to me and I did something about it. If it is someone close then saying something is the right thing to do (no matter that the person may know already) but if you are anything but a close friend or family member then probably not your place. I even feel strange when mere aquaintences note my weight loss - it is just not their place...0
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I would never bring this up to someone unless I had a very close relationship to them, i.e. family, close friends, my partner, etc.
If it is someone you have a relationship with, then I think it appropriate as if they are truly obese and not just some extra pounds, you owe it to them as someone you profess to care about, to let them know that their health is in danger. For example, my older sister has two kids and she is a single mom, and used to be a smoker; I would bring it up to her from time to time, that it wasn't fair to herself or her kids to put her health at risk like that. She finally quit and is much happier and better off for it now.
The point is, if it is someone you have a close and good relationship with, they make be upset or offended at first, but would hopefully eventually come 'round and realise that you are only bringing it up because you genuinely care; also, obviously, your tone of voice and the way you phrase it will make a huge difference. If you are rude or smarmy, then it will obviously be taken offensively, rather than if you were to sit the person down and say something like "Hey, listen, I am worried about you and I want to help you, etc", or something similar.
Now, if it is just someone you know casually or professionally, as the colleague you mentioned, or even a total stranger, as the other woman you mentioned, I would say stear clear of it altogether. Not to sound rude or jaded, but ultimately, it is not your responsibility to take control of thier life or descisions.
It's like people who have drug or alcohol dependcies - would you walk up to a total stranger you saw doing drugs and say "you've got to stop, you are ruining your life" ? Most likely not, because you do not know them.
If your colleague was rude to you about your own weight, it is most liley bc he is lashing out, knowing either conciously or subconciously that he has the same issue/s. If it offended you so much, you should tell him that he was crossing the line and you don't appreciate being spoken to that way.0 -
The example that bothers me is the gym employee. It bothers me that you said that because we all know we are thinking that too when we walk into the gym. If you see someone who is overweight/obese working at the gym you wonder why they are overweight. We all think of it the first time. It's wrong, but it's a human reaction. I would never say anything to her. What business of mine is it that she is overweight and works at a gym? I guess it's because we expect the people who work at the gym to have perfect bodies. I am thinking about getting a part time job there and I am sure people will wonder why I'm overweight working at a gym. I'd flip if someone would say something to me though.
It is all about how people perceive things. I want to be a dietician, but I know no one will take me seriously unless I am at a healthy weight. How could I counsel people if I can't even control what I eat?0 -
I like to send an appropriate greeting card. People LOVE getting cards. I also put a little heart next to my name to take away the sting of me telling them how fat I think they are. They never say it, but I know they appreciate these little touches.
Contrarian
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I think alot of people may have surrendered to their weight. I think alot of people on here saying "dont tell them, they know" come from a place of insight because they are doing something about it already...of course you are going to feel that way...that is why you are on this website. I'd be more curious to ask this question to people not actively doing something about their weight.
The fact is, most overweight people may know deep down they need to lose weight, but have surrendered to the fact they may be like that forever because its "too hard" or "not possible" or "not worth it". I think if told, it can help guide them in the right direction, or at least give them that motivation to try again...even if it is out of anger that the person said they needed to lose weight...at least the motivation is coming from somewhere.
Now...do I think a total stranger should do it? no...I would think a friend or family will do it....the problem with family is...they will typically say what you want to hear...and you may hold you back from actually doing something about it.
Anyways...my 2 cents0 -
Everyone who is morbidly obese is aware of it. It's not your place to speak up or offer solutions. If a loved one has serious health issues, from any source, not just obesity, you might express concern for their health, but not their appearance. But only those very close to you. Would you start approaching anyone who smoked or drank too much and start preaching to them about their habits?
This!!!0 -
She just works at the gym probably making close to minimum wage. It's probably very similar to those that work in retail. So, I would not say a thing (seeing that she's basically a stranger).
To further your point, If you want to distinguish personal trainers versus someone working the front desk -- I can somewhat see your point. Naturally, it's difficult to convince someone you believe in what you do when you're 50 lbs overweight.
Second example. At my gym, there is a woman who works in membership who has gone from slightly overweight to obese in the last few years. IMO, the gym is one of the few jobs where I think the employees need to walk the walk and look at least somewhat fit. (maybe unfair but if I am thinking about joining a gym, want the employees to at least pretend they care about working out.) On the other hand, she is a total stranger to me so my inclination is to just keep my mouth shut.
Any thoughts?0 -
If they complained about their weight to me, yes. Or mentioned it, yes, I would.
Otherwise, nope.0 -
don't say anything- do you think the person isn't aware of it already?0
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I'm fat. I know I'm fat. I was morbidly obese, but just recently I entered the world of "just" severely obese. Now, if you have some new and life changing revelation about me being fat, please share it with me....but, if you're just going to tell me I'm fat and I need to lose weight, well, then, that's not exactly a newsflash for me.0
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If they complained about their weight to me, yes. Or mentioned it, yes, I would.
Otherwise, nope.
This is good advice as well - even with a friend who was overweight: if they never brought it up, I would most likely let it be, but if they started talking all the time about wanting to loose weight, or being unhappy about their weight, yet still engaged in unhealthy patterns, i.e. eating poorly, not working out, etc, then I would tell the straight: "If you want to change, you have to change what you are doing." Or something similar.0 -
The ONLY time you should ever say anything is when you're offering to do something with them, not just giving them advice to go off and do it alone.
Such as 'lets go running together on the weekends' or 'hey do you want to join a gym with me?'. Anything else is just inappropriate in my opinion unless they ask for help.0 -
People know when they're overweight. Though some obese people tend to believe they're just overweight and not in the obese category. Still, they know when they're not healthy.0
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I don't think it is our business to tell anyone that they are obese. We all look in the mirror every single day and know what we look like. Alot of times if you tell someone they need to lose weight it will put them in a tail spin and direct them into the opposite path. All we need to do is love each other for who we are and offer help if the want it.0
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Well, there are more and less tactful ways to bring up this topic. Over the years as I was gaining weight, my mom and husband told me I was fine, I looked fine and didn't need to lose weight. I used the as justification to just keep going. After all, they wouldn't lie to me, would they? Luckily, I listened to the little voice inside of me saying, you are fat (obese), out of shape and can't keep up with your kids.
The lady at the gym seems to be a very informal relation to you. It would kind of be like going up to some stranger on the street and bringing up their weight and diet. I personally don't see a way that this discussion could go well.
The guy you worked with could be different though. If you worked closely together over that time and built even a small relationship, you could find a way to let him know how concerned you are, if you have the right personality and can say it the right way. Saying something like, hey dude, you know you are a tub of lard? is just being an *kitten*. Saying something like, hey, I'm concerned about you, you seem to be having a hard time with..... and you have put on some weight lately. Do you want to talk? Do you want some help? could work just fine.0 -
Before I started to lose weight I was in a very bad place emotionally. I knew I needed to lose weight, hated what I saw in the mirror, worried about what it was doing to my health. I knew in my heart that I needed to lose weight and I just needed to find the strength and tools to do it. What I didn't need was anyone else making me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Now that I'm 78lbs lighter I tell people every day how much better I feel and they tell me how much better I look. I've encouraged friends and family to lose weight just by setting a good example. I've never once told anyone to lose weight but since I joined mfp my mum,husband, friend, son, daughter and her partner have all lost weight. You don't need to be cruel to help others to lose weight. If they want to do it they will. If they don't want to do it then that's their choice.0
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There is a proper time and place for everything and there are times that you are truly concerned for a loved one and it should be brought up gently and in a comfortable setting. That said, I believe that too many people love to "focus on the speck of sawdust in their neighbor's eye and ignore the friggin 2x4 in their own." Pretty sure those are not the exact biblical words, but the idea is there.0
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Just from the responses here you can see there's a taboo around weight. And in my opinion when there's a taboo about anything that's where problems start. I think it's a good thing to talk about how to eat healthy, exercise and maintain a good weight in general.
Just go to the newbie thread and see how many people say something like 'wow I just entered what I normally eat on a day and I'm shocked!' People might know they're fat, but that doesn't mean they realise they're eating habits are so bad. Or that they get so little movement.
So, no, you shouldn't walk up to everyone you see in the street and call them out for being fat. But you definitely should not be afraid to talk about a subject. And this bloody taboo around it is only making things worse. Because it also prevents people from saying something, or from learning something before you're going into the obese category. Wouldn't it be great if before things got out of hand some had handed you some pointers? But unfortunately the way it's now there's no way anyone would say anything if you eat a very unhealthy lunch at work every day. And that needs to change.0 -
As a "morbidly obese" person, I can honestly say it will hurt them deeply. My mother texted me the other day. I had no idea what had happened in her day ( at the time) to prompt this text, but she said she loved me and was worried about my health. She said she wanted me to outlive her. I replied " right back at ya babe!" with a smiley face... but I was crushed.
Why would you be crushed because your mother was worried about your health? And since you are on MFP it seems you are working on losing weight so why didn't you just tell your mom you are aware of the problem and working on it and that you appreciate her concern and love her too?
You say you are aware that you have weight issues but are you honestly unaware that others know it to? I hope I'm not coming across as offensive, this just seems a very odd reaction to me.0 -
I am considered overweight and I know it.. I work out and eat right and slowly the pounds are coming off.
If someone (random stranger) told me I was overweight I would tell them to *kitten* off.
I am aware of me.0 -
I think one of the key things she said in her message was 'you don't know me'. If you don't know someone well enough to be devistated if they died from their unhealthy life style then it isn't your business
The only time ever that I spoke to my partner about his weight was last weekend when I noticed he stopped breathing in his sleep more often and would wake choking. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't have said a word. Hearing you are over weight whether said in a mean way or constructive or factual way still hurts.
Like the news anchor said if you are over weight you know, you don't need people to tell you
Eliza what you describe sounds like sleep apnea to me - i have a couple of male friends who have it... I'm not a Dr so could be wrong but you might want to look into it?
Vix0 -
People know. If this really is an issue, ask why we don't live healthier. Why is there a 64oz soft drink option on the menu? Why do they assume we want to 'up-size' every meal? Why are man-vs-food gluttony challenges so popular? Why do they make low rise jeans in plus sizes? What are kids learning about nutrition and exercise in schools and in the home? Why is it easier and cheaper to eat nutritionally void fast food? Why is fresh produce more expensive than potato chips? Why has obesity become so prolific? Where is our society failing? What are you willing to do to help change happen?
If a stranger or even a aquaintance was to feel the need to tell me I was overweight, I probably respond with "suck it" and/or a throat punch. I know and I've been working on it and my friends and family are well aware and supportive. A more diplomatic response would be " Hey, did you know you are an *kitten*?"0 -
I wish someone had said something to me, even at 270lbs my husband use to tell me I wasn't fat, I was in denial for the longest time, even now I look back at photos and can't quite believe that was me0
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If telling people they are fat works, then why are there so many fat people?
The media bombards us with messages about this every day, either directly or indirectly. Fat-shaming is everywhere. How can anyone NOT know they are fat if they are?
I lived fat-shaming every day of my young life, and guess what: no one needed to tell me I was fat. The shaming/bullying was stressful which led me to eat more. How's that for a counterproductive effect?0
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