Am I too old fashioned?
RubyRubixcube
Posts: 258 Member
in Chit-Chat
Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions
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Replies
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Nothing wrong with wanting that. Sometimes things don't work out like that however..0
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No, it's not old-fashonied. It's a personal choice. Children before marriage or after marriage, neither is more right or wrong than than the other. It all boils down to personal choice. However, like the above poster said, it doesn't always work out that way, even with birth control.0
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I think that's fine. I find it odd how people have kids first before getting married considering kids are way more responsibility :P0
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Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions
you're not old fashioned. you are wise.0 -
I am one of the few people who refuses to breed (largely because with my personality, the child would likely end up spending most of his time as a bleeding husk. I have no patience for stupidity, even in the course of learning.), so you can take anything I say on the subject with a grain of salt.
I don't think it matters much either way, honestly. Marriage is little more than a contract, unless it means more to you than that. As such, if you possess the dedication to make a marriage work, you could do just fine without it. Of course, in this case, it takes two to make it work either way.
That being said, it's ultimately your decision to make, and no one (your partner included) should try to tip you one way or the other. Allowing such to happen can lead to problems later that may not have otherwise existed.0 -
Oh I understand if it happens it happens (it explains my sisters first two children who i love to the moon and back).. its just that lately my partner seems to be planning my pregnancy but disregarding even the idea of a wedding.
We're financially in a situation where a wedding is not going to be a huge burden on us. I just dont understand his family planning with out the marriage. He knows I want to be married before children, but keeps telling me oh we can do that later.
I'm not turning to the internet for advice, I'm going to talk to him about this and see it from his point of view and come to a mutual understanding with him..
Its just made me think alot.0 -
definitely not. i often tell people to wait awhile after the marriage as well. my ex husband and i were married for a few months when he said he was ready. i was not but after his begging and pleading i gave in. needless to say, as soon as i got pregnant he began resenting me. and we knew and dated each other for years before then. so its very hard for me to trust others and important to me for people to show their true colors. just be very careful. someone can change in the blink of an eye, literally. listen to your head, and your heart, and make the best decision for YOU. if he loves you, he will wait until you are ready!!0
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Oh I understand if it happens it happens (it explains my sisters first two children who i love to the moon and back).. its just that lately my partner seems to be planning my pregnancy but disregarding even the idea of a wedding.
We're financially in a situation where a wedding is not going to be a huge burden on us. I just dont understand his family planning with out the marriage. He knows I want to be married before children, but keeps telling me oh we can do that later.
I'm not turning to the internet for advice, I'm going to talk to him about this and see it from his point of view and come to a mutual understanding with him..
Its just made me think alot.
if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.
ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.0 -
I had no idea this was considered old-fashioned. I think it's still considered the gold standard by many though society has grown much more accepting of people who don't do it this way.0
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I don't think its old fashioned, I do think it is no longer a socially driven expectation..personally marriage for me was a pointless exercise, I am an atheist there for it held no religious significance, The legal advantages were minimal, however it was important to my partner at the time, he wanted to be married before children so I married him...the only downside was that at the end of the day as stated above, it didnt really mean that much to me, but it did to him and it caused conflict, it was something he threw back at me on a regular basis if there were arguments. I loved him and respected his desires in the matter tho, and if you feel strongly about it, you do need to sort it, or you will feel like he has run rough shod over your feelings. But no, I dont think its old fashioned at all, every one is entitled to their own beliefs and to decide how they want their family to be structured.0
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For me it's more about our future children having the same last name as both parents. but that's just me.0
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It's not old fashion. I agree that it's a personal choice. The concept of marriage is changing and some people think it's old fashion because of that change. However, being married does show stability in a relationship. That is a plus for you, your spouse, and your potential children. As far as waiting, that's again, a personal choice. I've been married for over 8 years with no kids. I want kids and so does my husband, but the time isn't right. We joke that we're still kids, so we should have them yet. I'm in college, and I don't want to choose my kids over school. I've also learned through my own person experiences and what my friends have gone through, is that there never is a right time, BUT... there IS such a thing as a wrong time!
Bottom line: Do what you think is best for YOU!!! Do not get pressured into something you don't believe is right.0 -
the world is way over populated, I tell my 20 year old to wait till she's out of college and has been working a few years.
good for you on waiting ask any parent having a child changes your life forever0 -
For me it's more about our future children having the same last name as both parents. but that's just me.
haha I'm the same! I have a very diverse family, none of us children share the same last name, and I dont have my mom's last name and my dad skipped out on the family when I was 7 so even though I have his last name he's not really mfamily anymore.
I want my partners last name and my children(s) last names to all be the same
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Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions
Financially sound and married, i totally agree with you OP.
Having a baby when you are not financially sound is a one way ticket to poverty.0 -
I was friends with my husband for 8 years, in relationship for 6 years, and married for 4 years before we had our first child. I personally did not grow up in a stable family and that is why I made smart choices for my own family life.0
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No, it's not old-fashonied. It's a personal choice. Children before marriage or after marriage, neither is more right or wrong than than the other. It all boils down to personal choice. However, like the above poster said, it doesn't always work out that way, even with birth control.
Right on the mark!0 -
No you are not old fashioned. You are wise to make that decision for yourself. I have two children and have been married 4 years and I cant imagine not being married and having kids.0
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I think it's a more well planned and committed route. It takes a lot more to walk away from a marriage then a mutual relationship. Both work just one is more tied up then the other.
I personally got married young and have been married for 3-4 years. Still no kids and don't plan on it for a long time yet. I got college to complete and I want to work for a bit. I think it's a much better set up then if me and my husband just decided to have kids really early without anything else laid out first. For us it would not have worked out well.0 -
Wait until u are married. It is the best way to raise a child. I got married at 33 years old, and had my daughter at 35. From my personal experience, it is surely better to wait!!!0
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No way.. your life, your decision 0
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I've been married 7 years and still no children... I wanted it to wait until my marriage had calmed down, and then school started, and things just got crazy. I do have two step-sons, and I love them so much, but I enjoy sending them home for right now.0
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At risk of sounding cynical, marriage is a civil arrangement... a contract, if you will... whereas kids are for life.0
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The only way I could really see children before marriage if it wasn't planned. I couldn't see planning to have a child before getting married unless you never want to get married.0
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children before marriage is not usually a choice made on purpose. However, I can say from experience that if your relationship can survive children, it is the right person. Kids bring a whole different dynamic. A lot of marriages fall apart after children because of differing ways to raise the child. And then you have too deal with religion and bad parenting advice from future in laws and so forth. Just sayin' there is an upside. Are you old fashioned? No, you are traditional. That is a much better term, imo.0
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No... Absolutely not.. Your not being old fashioned at all. Im with you on this.0
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Not old fashioned in my opinion. I want this too for my future! However, I know things happen and regardless of marital status I would want to be the best mom I could possibly be!0
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IMHO marriage is just a piece of paper. Yes, I am married. For 18 years now. The only thing that does is gives you medical/death benefits and legal rights should the relationship not work out. It does not make anyone any more faithful than what they are going to be without it. It does not entitle one to any more or less than what they are deserving when in a truly committed relationship built on love and trust, not on a piece of paper. A child is not a result of a piece of paper, a child is a result of love and commitment (or should be.) Even a marriage certificate should not be a certificate to produce a child. It is not a necessity. If you are getting married for religious reasons then yes, because I know how the churches frown upon premarital sex and if you are childless, they do not know for sure you are having sex. Otherwise, it is a personal choice. I for one would have had my children without the marriage. I do love my husband and plan on staying married. He wanted the marriage. He needed that paper. Me... my children are a symbol of our love and that is all I need. Just my thoughts... 0
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I was with my ex for 8.5 years prior to marriage, married for 9.5 years and then ended up in divorce with three kids under the age of 3. I thought I did it the right way, but the thing about love and relationships is... they are unpredictable at best even when you think its a done deal. 17 years and it still was over. So, do what feels right at the time in your heart and don't settle for second best because it's what is offered. If that's the offer then you have the right to reject it and move on. I have to believe that there is someone whose offer matches exactly what you are looking for...0
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I have never been married and will probably never get married. It is just a piece of paper in my opinion. I do have 3 children though and they are my world. Is it easy being an unwed mother? Absolutely not. Would it have been easier if I was married. Probably not. Kids are hard. Tonight my daughter and her boyfriend broke up and it about killed me to see her so upset. A marriage wouldn't change that at all. HOWEVER...if you feel strongly about being married first don't give up your beliefs for anything. If he is the person for you he will accept it. If he can't accept how you feel maybe he is the man for you.0
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