Am I too old fashioned?

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13

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  • TinaBaily
    TinaBaily Posts: 792 Member
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    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    If thinking that marriage, or at least a lifetime commitment, should happen before children come along, then I'm "old fashioned" too. I think that children deserve a pair of parents, whether male/female, male/male, or female/female, and that a person is doing them a disservice if there isn't anyone around to help raise offspring. There are numerous men out there having fun doing the sowing of their seed but don't stick around to raise their crop up right. There are numerous children out there now living off the system and needing special help from social services to help their mothers with their serious behavior problems because a second parent isn't in the picture. I see this daily at the elementary school level and it has gotten worse in the last 6 years.
  • klewlis
    klewlis Posts: 79 Member
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    what matters is not whether you've gone through the formality of marriage, but rather the nature and strength of your relationship with the other parent.

    my sister and her boyfriend have been together for years and chose to have babies; they may never choose to get married, and that's ok. The babies have two loving parents who are committed to them and to each other... what does it matter if there's a piece of paper saying they're married???

    but with that said, if you feel really strongly about it and your boyfriend disagrees, that is a relationship issue that you should work out between you before you choose to bring babies into the relationship!
  • jeme3
    jeme3 Posts: 355 Member
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    I'm a mom of three, ages 22, 22(yes, twins!), and 19. The mantra around here for a long time has been education-career-marraige-babies.

    Now, of course if things took a different track, I could and would adjust, but I think if you are hoping for the best possible foundation, that's the way to go.

    Some people choose not to get married, but I think it's an important social and legal symbol (that should be available to all couples, regardless of gender).
  • RubyRubixcube
    RubyRubixcube Posts: 258 Member
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    So I guess Intelligence is "old fashioned".

    haha its definately becoming out dated in my neck of the woods.. possibly even extinct
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
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    I'm not married. I've been with the same man for 8 years, have 3 children together, and have a 4th on the way. To me, it's not a matter of a legal document but how we feel about one another. I think it's more important for my children to see a decently stable relationship than a piece of paper saying that we're married. We have our ups and downs, like most relationships, but we work through everything. I think that is more important than words.....

    But that's my opinion.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
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    I'm not married. I've been with the same man for 8 years, have 3 children together, and have a 4th on the way. To me, it's not a matter of a legal document but how we feel about one another. I think it's more important for my children to see a decently stable relationship than a piece of paper saying that we're married. We have our ups and downs, like most relationships, but we work through everything. I think that is more important than words.....

    But that's my opinion.

    That's awesome and congrats on number 4!
  • brevislux
    brevislux Posts: 1,093 Member
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    I'd also prefer doing that. I find it to be practical.
  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
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    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    I don't think so. I waited until I was married to try for our first baby. I was lucky to get pregnant as soon as we started trying, when we got back from our honeymoon, and so celebrated our first wedding anniversary with an 8 week old baby :smile: . He was the best anniversary present!

    I think it's nice to be married, plus then it's easier if you all have the same surname.

    I know plenty of people who have babies before marriage though. My husband's cousin recently got married and their 2 year old was a page boy! Another friend is getting married soon and they have a 3 year old and 1 year old, plus she has a 13 year old from a previous relationship.

    I don't see anything wrong with that, but I'm glad I got married first. I don't think not being married affects your relationship though, with your partner or your kids.
  • TropicalFlowerz
    TropicalFlowerz Posts: 1,990 Member
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    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    am i too old fashioned?....in this day and age?...no such thing,just be you,....oldfashioned is refreshing!
  • SeaRunner26
    SeaRunner26 Posts: 5,143 Member
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    In my humble opinion, if you're not ready to get married, then you're not ready to have children. Getting married may seem like just a symbollic gesture, but I think it's more than that. I think it shows the level of commitment.
  • marthadztx
    marthadztx Posts: 337 Member
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    Smart idea
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
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    Marriage is a very big commitment - especially if it's a case of one side earning/having more than the other.
    I wouldn't go near there without being absolutely sure that the person was definitely right for me for the long term.

    But not nearly as big a commitment as having kids - where I'd have to be absolutely sure that there was no way I'd not want to be with the women in question for the at the very least the last kid's birthday plus 16 years.

    Ok, I know plenty of couples that have done just fine without marriage and have had kids etc, so maybe I too am old fashioned - but I would still question someone willing to commit to having kids but not to getting married.
  • Off10h8ed
    Off10h8ed Posts: 282 Member
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    I have nothing against marriage but I hear a lot of marriage before kids and commitment. I am wondering if people aren't keeping up with the news...

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

    Marriage and Divorce data for 2009

    (Data are for the U.S.)

    Number of marriages: 2,077,000
    Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
    Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

    About half of marriages end in divorce. That means that about half (give or take) of all kids born whos parents are married have to go through their parents divorcing.

    Your decision to marry should have absolutely nothing to do with your decision to have a child.

    Just saying...
  • Impy84
    Impy84 Posts: 430
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    Not old fashioned just raised with morals and standards I'm guessing.

    Good for YOU. I completely agree
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
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    Specific advice for the OP: You need to see if you can find out why your boyfriend is ready for children but not marriage. Something you might try is to propose a small civil ceremony instead of big church wedding, and see if that changes anything.

    I'd put it slightly differently. Don't marry anyone you wouldn't want raising your children, and don't have children if you can't provide them a stable home environment (for example, because their father can't make major life commitments or is otherwise unsuitable).

    The only situation in which I would recommend having children without being married is because the couple has some philosophical objection to the idea of marriage, but are planning to spend their lives together.
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
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    I have nothing against marriage but I hear a lot of marriage before kids and commitment. I am wondering if people aren't keeping up with the news...

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

    Marriage and Divorce data for 2009

    (Data are for the U.S.)

    Number of marriages: 2,077,000
    Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
    Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

    About half of marriages end in divorce. That means that about half (give or take) of all kids born whos parents are married have to go through their parents divorcing.

    Your decision to marry should have absolutely nothing to do with your decision to have a child.

    Just saying...
    I'd say that is the very reason they should go hand in hand.
    It's good if the OH doesn't feel he's ready to make a commitment to marriage yet because he's worried it will end in divorce.
    But if that's the case, I don't think he should be making the commitment to have kids either.
  • 116lb
    116lb Posts: 4 Member
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    if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.

    ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.
  • 116lb
    116lb Posts: 4 Member
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    if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.

    ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.
  • magairlin
    magairlin Posts: 93 Member
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    Yes you probably are being old fashioned but in my opinion you are being old fashioned in a good way and there is nothing wrong with being old fashioned sometimes. I am not an old fashioned person in general. In fact I am very liberal but not when it comes to children and their rights. No matter how one dresses it up children of married parents have more rights under the law- in the country that I live in anyway. Un- married fathers have very few rights. Call me old fashioned if you like but I think ( and it is old fashioned I suppose ) that children thrive more when being reared by two married parents. If anyone can prove otherwise to me I'll change my opinion. Furthermore I think that girls are crazy to have children with men who are not willing to commit to them in marriage. If they are not willing to commit to the mother will they commit to the child?
  • RubyRubixcube
    RubyRubixcube Posts: 258 Member
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    :) had the talk with my OH and laid it down. So, when we both feel its right we'll get married, then wait until our relationship has aclimatised to marriage then we start the baby making. He explained he hadn't been very articulate in a discussion we had a few nights ago and he also wants to get married before we have kids, but if it happened to go the other way he would be just as happy because he's confident with our relationship.

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