Am I too old fashioned?

2

Replies

  • gingerveg
    gingerveg Posts: 748 Member
    I think it's odd that people even want kids let alone wanting to (potentially) raise them without a partner. I don't thinks it's old fashioned I think it is wise. Kids take time, patience, love and money the more people who are there to raise them the more resources. I wouldn't choose to do it alone (or potentially alone) I'd need a commitment that someone else was going to pitch in. Parenthood is important work that should not be taken lightly or decided on with little thought and/or preparedness. I'm not saying kids can't be raised extremely well by single parents, they definitely can. I'm just saying that it is hard and I'd never personally choose to embark on that journey without a solid commitment from the other parent (personal and legal).
  • lilpoindexter
    lilpoindexter Posts: 1,122 Member
    So I guess Intelligence is "old fashioned".
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    If I were to have my own kids, I'd want to raise them together with their father for life. And marriage is a commitment to stay together , and I'd want that first.

    However, I'd consider adopting children on my own when I have a stable career and the means to provide. There's a lot of kids out there in the world that need a good home, and while I think dads are important, I'd like to think I'd be a decent mom on my own :)
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    I wasn't comfortable having a child before marriage. My husband and I both felt strongly that we wanted to raise our child in a married emotionally and financially stable home. I didn't have that growing up, so it means a lot to me that I can provide that for my children.

    That being said, there are plenty of unmarried parents out there and single parents who are raising wonderful kids as well. It's all about what you and your partner are comfortable with.
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
    No I think its a great idea. The more you get to know about the person, the better.
  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    I think it's odd that people even want kids let alone wanting to (potentially) raise them without a partner. I don't thinks it's old fashioned I think it is wise. Kids take time, patience, love and money the more people who are there to raise them the more resources. I wouldn't choose to do it alone (or potentially alone) I'd need a commitment that someone else was going to pitch in. Parenthood is important work that should not be taken lightly or decided on with little thought and/or preparedness. I'm not saying kids can't be raised extremely well by single parents, they definitely can. I'm just saying that it is hard and I'd never personally choose to embark on that journey without a solid commitment from the other parent (personal and legal).

    This is what I learned growing up. And this is why I support your idea. Not old fashioned at all..
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    I wouldn't call that old-fashioned. More like a logical approach. With that being said, my sister is pregnant and due this month, but she and her boyfriend aren't married. I don't hold that against her, but I'm not going to be having kids until my fiance and I are married, no longer living in a disgusting house with his mom and both of us are financially stable.
  • gjulie
    gjulie Posts: 391
    well I cant judge other people but we have been married 21 years and have 5 children and it is a secure environment for them that said a stable loving relationship dosnt necessarily need a license!has to be what you are comfortable with!
  • Elf_Princess1210
    Elf_Princess1210 Posts: 895 Member
    I don't think so. sometimes things dont work out like that, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be married before having kids. it makes things easier
  • evelynr14
    evelynr14 Posts: 172 Member
    You should always do what feels right for you! But I do agree, kids should be after marriage
  • TinaBaily
    TinaBaily Posts: 792 Member
    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    If thinking that marriage, or at least a lifetime commitment, should happen before children come along, then I'm "old fashioned" too. I think that children deserve a pair of parents, whether male/female, male/male, or female/female, and that a person is doing them a disservice if there isn't anyone around to help raise offspring. There are numerous men out there having fun doing the sowing of their seed but don't stick around to raise their crop up right. There are numerous children out there now living off the system and needing special help from social services to help their mothers with their serious behavior problems because a second parent isn't in the picture. I see this daily at the elementary school level and it has gotten worse in the last 6 years.
  • klewlis
    klewlis Posts: 79 Member
    what matters is not whether you've gone through the formality of marriage, but rather the nature and strength of your relationship with the other parent.

    my sister and her boyfriend have been together for years and chose to have babies; they may never choose to get married, and that's ok. The babies have two loving parents who are committed to them and to each other... what does it matter if there's a piece of paper saying they're married???

    but with that said, if you feel really strongly about it and your boyfriend disagrees, that is a relationship issue that you should work out between you before you choose to bring babies into the relationship!
  • jeme3
    jeme3 Posts: 355 Member
    I'm a mom of three, ages 22, 22(yes, twins!), and 19. The mantra around here for a long time has been education-career-marraige-babies.

    Now, of course if things took a different track, I could and would adjust, but I think if you are hoping for the best possible foundation, that's the way to go.

    Some people choose not to get married, but I think it's an important social and legal symbol (that should be available to all couples, regardless of gender).
  • RubyRubixcube
    RubyRubixcube Posts: 258 Member
    So I guess Intelligence is "old fashioned".

    haha its definately becoming out dated in my neck of the woods.. possibly even extinct
  • BelindaDuvessa
    BelindaDuvessa Posts: 1,014 Member
    I'm not married. I've been with the same man for 8 years, have 3 children together, and have a 4th on the way. To me, it's not a matter of a legal document but how we feel about one another. I think it's more important for my children to see a decently stable relationship than a piece of paper saying that we're married. We have our ups and downs, like most relationships, but we work through everything. I think that is more important than words.....

    But that's my opinion.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    I'm not married. I've been with the same man for 8 years, have 3 children together, and have a 4th on the way. To me, it's not a matter of a legal document but how we feel about one another. I think it's more important for my children to see a decently stable relationship than a piece of paper saying that we're married. We have our ups and downs, like most relationships, but we work through everything. I think that is more important than words.....

    But that's my opinion.

    That's awesome and congrats on number 4!
  • brevislux
    brevislux Posts: 1,093 Member
    I'd also prefer doing that. I find it to be practical.
  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    I don't think so. I waited until I was married to try for our first baby. I was lucky to get pregnant as soon as we started trying, when we got back from our honeymoon, and so celebrated our first wedding anniversary with an 8 week old baby :smile: . He was the best anniversary present!

    I think it's nice to be married, plus then it's easier if you all have the same surname.

    I know plenty of people who have babies before marriage though. My husband's cousin recently got married and their 2 year old was a page boy! Another friend is getting married soon and they have a 3 year old and 1 year old, plus she has a 13 year old from a previous relationship.

    I don't see anything wrong with that, but I'm glad I got married first. I don't think not being married affects your relationship though, with your partner or your kids.
  • TropicalFlowerz
    TropicalFlowerz Posts: 1,990 Member
    Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

    am i too old fashioned?....in this day and age?...no such thing,just be you,....oldfashioned is refreshing!
  • SeaRunner26
    SeaRunner26 Posts: 5,143 Member
    In my humble opinion, if you're not ready to get married, then you're not ready to have children. Getting married may seem like just a symbollic gesture, but I think it's more than that. I think it shows the level of commitment.
  • marthadztx
    marthadztx Posts: 337 Member
    Smart idea
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    Marriage is a very big commitment - especially if it's a case of one side earning/having more than the other.
    I wouldn't go near there without being absolutely sure that the person was definitely right for me for the long term.

    But not nearly as big a commitment as having kids - where I'd have to be absolutely sure that there was no way I'd not want to be with the women in question for the at the very least the last kid's birthday plus 16 years.

    Ok, I know plenty of couples that have done just fine without marriage and have had kids etc, so maybe I too am old fashioned - but I would still question someone willing to commit to having kids but not to getting married.
  • Off10h8ed
    Off10h8ed Posts: 282 Member
    I have nothing against marriage but I hear a lot of marriage before kids and commitment. I am wondering if people aren't keeping up with the news...

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

    Marriage and Divorce data for 2009

    (Data are for the U.S.)

    Number of marriages: 2,077,000
    Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
    Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

    About half of marriages end in divorce. That means that about half (give or take) of all kids born whos parents are married have to go through their parents divorcing.

    Your decision to marry should have absolutely nothing to do with your decision to have a child.

    Just saying...
  • Impy84
    Impy84 Posts: 430
    Not old fashioned just raised with morals and standards I'm guessing.

    Good for YOU. I completely agree
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    Specific advice for the OP: You need to see if you can find out why your boyfriend is ready for children but not marriage. Something you might try is to propose a small civil ceremony instead of big church wedding, and see if that changes anything.

    I'd put it slightly differently. Don't marry anyone you wouldn't want raising your children, and don't have children if you can't provide them a stable home environment (for example, because their father can't make major life commitments or is otherwise unsuitable).

    The only situation in which I would recommend having children without being married is because the couple has some philosophical objection to the idea of marriage, but are planning to spend their lives together.
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
    I have nothing against marriage but I hear a lot of marriage before kids and commitment. I am wondering if people aren't keeping up with the news...

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

    Marriage and Divorce data for 2009

    (Data are for the U.S.)

    Number of marriages: 2,077,000
    Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
    Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)

    About half of marriages end in divorce. That means that about half (give or take) of all kids born whos parents are married have to go through their parents divorcing.

    Your decision to marry should have absolutely nothing to do with your decision to have a child.

    Just saying...
    I'd say that is the very reason they should go hand in hand.
    It's good if the OH doesn't feel he's ready to make a commitment to marriage yet because he's worried it will end in divorce.
    But if that's the case, I don't think he should be making the commitment to have kids either.
  • 116lb
    116lb Posts: 4 Member
    if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.

    ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.
  • 116lb
    116lb Posts: 4 Member
    if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.

    ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.
  • magairlin
    magairlin Posts: 93 Member
    Yes you probably are being old fashioned but in my opinion you are being old fashioned in a good way and there is nothing wrong with being old fashioned sometimes. I am not an old fashioned person in general. In fact I am very liberal but not when it comes to children and their rights. No matter how one dresses it up children of married parents have more rights under the law- in the country that I live in anyway. Un- married fathers have very few rights. Call me old fashioned if you like but I think ( and it is old fashioned I suppose ) that children thrive more when being reared by two married parents. If anyone can prove otherwise to me I'll change my opinion. Furthermore I think that girls are crazy to have children with men who are not willing to commit to them in marriage. If they are not willing to commit to the mother will they commit to the child?
  • RubyRubixcube
    RubyRubixcube Posts: 258 Member
    :) had the talk with my OH and laid it down. So, when we both feel its right we'll get married, then wait until our relationship has aclimatised to marriage then we start the baby making. He explained he hadn't been very articulate in a discussion we had a few nights ago and he also wants to get married before we have kids, but if it happened to go the other way he would be just as happy because he's confident with our relationship.

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