Size 26/28-Size 14/16.. My journey still in progress

Before- 330lbs


First, let me start. At my heaviest I was 330 pounds. I think back to myself and I can't believe how bad I let myself get. I remember many things like trying to lie on my back and pushing my breasts down because at the right angle they were literally making it hard for me to breathe. I remember having to ROLL over on the bed and not just be able to push myself up. Walking? Haha I was exhausted standing too long at a wedding. I would breathe hard when doing the strenuous task of talking on the phone. Everything was stressful on my body.

To make matters worse I was having terrible headaches and would "zombie" out. I would be a functioning human being than in an instant become unresponsive. The scariest thing to happen was I was driving and started to veer into the other lane of oncoming traffic. My husband pulled the wheel and we ended up on the side of the road. I remember it happening but couldn't explain what happened. It was like my mind seriously went blank. My husband finally forced me to see a doctor. I know how it feels, not wanting to go, not wanting to step on the scale and see those big numbers pop up on the digital display like a cow getting ready for butcher. I went anyways. 327 popped up on that display and I veered my eyes away in shame. Next came the blood pressure. 150's over 160's. What. The bottom number is higher? Can’t be... It's a mistake. They put me into the waiting room to "relax". This of course doesn't help. They gently take me back and have another doctor check my blood pressure. Same numbers. Panic. For being 21 years old this was a very serious situation. I was immediately fed a pill right then and there. My condition? Blood pressure was surging through my vessels so hard that they were swelling causing ill effects to my brain. Panic. I am going to die. Hopeless.

I went for another 8 months just in a deep hole. Gaining weight. Losing a couple pounds (not like it mattered) and then shoving my guilt down with a 64oz soda, cupcakes, taquitos, and a few cherry pies. This snack isn't an exaggeration although I wish it was. Sadness fueled many nights of getting A Large Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal from McDonalds with extra hamburgers on the side. I hated my life and I just wanted to die.

Next came the dreaded wedding of a good friend on July 2, 2011. I find a size 24 dress at JC Penny that if I was to bend down just right I am sure would have split at the side. I am honestly surprised it didn't. I was a size 26 but determined to feel more "normal" by buying a 24. I survived the night with my friends from high school by taking a few shots of alcohol with the bride and getting drunk with my friends that night. It wasn't until the massacre of Facebook photos the next few days that made me really regret everything. Fatness everywhere. Just huge amounts of me in every shot. I want to die.

That next Monday at work we are now able to try a new program that will change the face of our facility. It is phases of calories, high protein, and a lifestyle change. This isn't some fad or quick fix and they have altered a few of the phases to last longer. My grandmother (who owned the facility I did work at) says we should try it together. I start strength training 3x a week and aim for 10,000 steps a day. 15 pounds comes off almost instantly. Hope.

The next few months my body really took off. By November 2011 I was in my 270's.

Bump in the road by Feb 2012. My husband has been cheating on me, with two other women. Hatred. I kick him out. I fight off my urges to eat away my pain and exercise harder. One sad thought and I was outside beating the hell out of myself on the pavement. He will not win. *kitten*. Few weeks later, we are in counseling and he is going to Sex Addicts anon for porn/sex addiction. Everything gets better. Life looks up and he is getting better. Our marriage (believe it or not) is better than before.

By April 2012 I was 255, starting to bike ride, zumba 4x a week, and strength training 5x a week. Then it happened. My period, which was now normal without the use of medication, was late. I had been pushing myself harder and harder because the weight isn't moving. The month of April and the month of May, Nothing lost. On May 30 it was confirmed I was 5 weeks pregnant. Joy.

I take a total break on my weight. I still do exercise but cut back. I realize I didn't bike before pregnancy so take my new bicycle back, stashing the money away knowing that one day I will get back on but for now I am not ready. Unexpected pain about 12 weeks in. I call the doctor, no bleeding; everything sounds fine, but come in for an ultrasound. Ultrasound day, no heartbeat. My baby is dead just floating around inside me. Estimated loss of fetus is the Monday before when I had the pain. Time to schedule a D&C. Devastation.

After the D&C in July 2012 I didn't care. Who ****ing cares if I am fat, I killed my baby with wearing my shaper, exercise, and I deserved it. I have pissed off the universe and If I am not fat and unhappy my body was going to make me miserable anyways by killing the baby we have grown to be excited to meet. I go to the store that night and grab everything I feel I have been missing. 3lbs of skittles from the bulk section, chocolate covered pretzels, starburst, 4 pounds of chicken strips, 2 pounds of potato wedges, and I just ate until I was sick than ate again. I went out to eat almost every night and stuffed away my pain. Drank soda until I vomited. Literally abused my body with every type of food in a large abundance that I could shove in. Go to the movies and get a 44oz soda and eat 2 large buckets of popcorn. I still exercise, however it is half assed due to having to explain to everyone why I was absent for a week. Pain.

By the end of July, just a few weeks later, I decide to hop on the scale and am determined to start fresh. 267. Failure. I have gained 12 pounds. Instead of self-abuse with food I go to the store and buy a big hot pink poster board and make a line graph by dates/weight, and write my goals on the board. Gorilla taped it to the wall and marked a dot for 267. I will now weigh in and be accountable, I can do this. Strength.

Fast forward to Today, October 2012. I am now 237 pounds and it has come with hard work. I strength train heavy and hard 3x a week, ride my bike 7x a week, and zumba 2-3 times a week. I still slip. I think about the hard year I have had and want to eat my pain away but the incidents are few and far between. Every time I want to spend money on food I buy an item for my cache of home exercise equipment (like yoga mat or a new leg weight) or clothes instead. I still eat bad things, just not in the amount I used to. I am treated out to eat but make smart decisions. I am still learning but I am stronger and smarter now than what I was a year ago. Whenever I think I am a failure I zip my mind back to a year ago and think about what I was doing and how hard it was for me to do simple things like walk.


330 pounds vs 237, Size 14/16, Taken Oct 21,2012

This journey is hard but baby, we can do it