Unfair start in childhood to be a healthy and fit adult

I wish I had something profound to write, something that would make it click with you and make you feel better. I don't think I do. What I can say though is that you've come a long way. You've lost over 100 pounds and then some and are under the 200 bench mark. That must have taken an incredible amount of hard work. I am just beginning my journey and am down 5 pounds from the 177 I started at, so we're not too far apart. Please don't let your progress discourage you. I know there are things that come with weight loss that are actually unpleasant, like sagging skin and perhaps future medical complications, but think about all the unpleasantries that you're avoiding. Though I'm not a doctor, I'd bet that you'd have more medical problems (and more serious ones) by being obese than you would be losing the weight. What your mother did may not have been right, but you are doing something about it!!! You could blame her and do nothing, but instead you've acknowledged it and are fighting your way down the scale. I hope that you are being met with compliments along your journey and that you, in the future, make peace with mom. For now though, all I can say is that I'm damn proud of you and no matter what the future holds, it's sure to be better than the past from which you came. Best wishes, Jenn

Congrats on the weightloss thats amazing!!!

There comes a time in life when we all have to stop crutching on the poor choices and parenting we might have received as a child and facing up to the fact that it is OUR life and we alone can change it for the better. Anger and finger-pointing will only hold you back even more. Shake it off, and get on with living. You can be healthy. Lots of people who had much worse starts in life have overcome and gone on to excel. I'd like to say good luck, but it has little to do with luck and a whole bunch to do with hard work. :bigsmile:

Good lord let go of all that baggage!!!!! Wallowing in the past with that attitude..you'll be stuck where you're at forever. At 20 years old you're an adult and responsible for your own meals. Drop the 'bad Mom' excuse and step up your game!!! Browse the success forums and see all the amazing transformations people have made in their lives.

Wow.

I wish I could give you encouragement but I just can't. As a mother, your post angers me.

Take responsibility for yourself and quit blaming your mom. Mothers are human too. I'm sure she did the best she knew how to do. Most of all, she gave you freaking life and took care of you until you could take care of yourself.

Quit being selfish and give your mom some credit. She had to take care of you, didn't she?

Congrats on your weight loss. Keep it up...and instead of blaming your mom, maybe you should GENTLY educate her.

It can be really tough to break away from old habits. For a lot of us who have been overweight our whole lives, it's really easy to look back and blame our parents. The truth is, it's my life now, and it has been for several years now, and they are not to blame for the choices I made as an adult. I can take care of myself and my body now. Pointing the finger at my parents will not help. Here are some things I like to keep in mind when I feel like blaming my family/upbringing/genes (which I did for years) for my own behavior:

1. The fat genes and the bad habits are part of a bundle of gifts, good and bad, that came from my family. I am overweight with a false sense of "normal" weight and behavior, but I also value my own abilities and intelligence, and that comes from them too. Think of all the great things your parents have given you, and maybe the other bad things they've given you that you wouldn't blame them for (for me, terrible eyesight. How dare these blind people breed? You would never get mad at parents for something like that).

2. I can be a model for them. Without doing anything drastic, spending a ton of money, or depriving myself, I can show my family that it is possible to take control of your health. Maybe they will decide to change, too.

3. I can look forward to the rest of my life knowing that while I can't get rid of the genetic predispositions, I can work to lower my likelihood of developing cancer, diabetes, blood pressure problems, and even depression, all of which run in my family and all of which are less likely if I am fit and healthy.

I hope that helps, because finger-pointing won't. Definitely don't give up just because you can't undo the past. You CAN'T undo the past, but you CAN take control of your future.

Put the past behind you. It's not going to help to blame anyone. If you dwell on the way you were raised, you will always have an excuse to fail. Think of the positive side. You now have support and tools to get into shape.

First, congratulations on losing 100 pounds so far. That's an AMAZING accomplishment! You should be very proud of that!

I can empathize with your anger and frustration. It is unfair to not be given a healthy start. Although weight issues were not something I got from my mother as a child, I can say that I experienced a great deal of negativity and self-esteem issues that I have carried into my adult life, that at 42 I still deal with every day. It would be easy for me to blame childhood experiences for who I am now...or I can keep moving forward and work on positives and taking care of myself and loving myself. You can continue to blame your mom, which is fine, but unproductive. But consider focusing on the positives (losing all that weight!) and challenging yourself to move forward from your childhood. It's really hard, but I think it will make you feel better in the end. Holding on to resentment and anger will hurt you and your relationship with your mom.

You may have health issues or be at risk for future health issues because of being obese as a child, but if you've taken more control of your weight in the past 4 or 5 years, you are significantly decreasing your chances of those problems with every healthy step you take. You may have loose skin, and from a friend I know that that sucks and it's uncomfortable... it is possible that insurance will cover cosmetic surgery, or you may have to save up for it. If you are not lifting weights, I would recommend you start--that has helped two of my friends who've lost over 100 pounds, to firm up their skin and have less sagging.

If you are living at home, can you buy some of your own food, or go with your mom when she shops? (if you're not buying your own food or contributing to the household in some way financially, it might be hard to justify buying stuff "just for you" unless you can help mom see it would help the whole family).

I wish you continued success. You've gotten this far. Keep going.

Firstly well done on your weight loss so far , you have done incredibly well . Perhaps your mum didn't have the right food knowledge herself to pass down to you and was brought up herself with a similar diet ? I appreciate it is hard and you feel angry but i am sure she did not set out with the intention of making you overweight ? I think part of my emotional issues with food stem from my mum , again I am sure she had no idea the effect her food issues had on me . She has always been on and off diets for 30 plus years and guess what I am the same ...

I hope this makes sense and does not offend in any way , well done on how far you have come and good luck with the rest of your journey .....

^^^This! My situation is similar. While my mom was obssessive about being overweight (and she often projected these fears on me), we still ate loads of unhealthy foods when I was growing up. Whether it was because we had to eat cheaply (we were a family of six, living on one income), or because of my mom's ignorance about what was truly healthy and what wasn't, or a little of both. I wasn't obese as a child, but I have struggled with being a little on the hefty side virtually my entire life. My suggestion would be to sit down with her and try to have a rational, respectful conversation with her. Ask her why she chose to give you that kind of food as a child rather than something that would be healthier for you. Her answers may surprise you....and don't get mad at her because she says it's what you asked for. Maybe in early childhood you didn't know any better, but by the age of ten or eleven most kids are fully aware of what their food choices are doing for or to their bodies. I know my niece has been thinking about it since the first grade (not in an unhealthy way). She WANTS to eat more fruit and veggies and less junk, and when she has told my brother and sister in law this, they have fully supported her in her choices and made sure she had healthier choices at mealtime. I'm not saying that your mom is completely off the hook. I think it's vital that parents make healthy food choices for their kids until they reach an age where they can make wise decisions for themselves. However, I don't think you should be so hard on her. I'm sure, like most moms, she did the best she could under her given circumstances.

Well its unfortunate that you're holding onto resentment and anger at your mother, that's not healthy either.

However, I won't tell you that you should have gotten yourself into shape, as a child you were pretty much her ward and your parents are your primary role models for good/bad life choices. So in that regard, children are pretty much at the mercy of the adults raising them.

That all being said, you should seriously consider that your mother was doing the best that she knew how herself. Being angry at her for her ignorance is probably worse than what she did to you without knowing better.

Childhood obesity does have some serious effects on adult health. Props for wanting to change, and being brave enough to share your experience with the MFP community.

I can't remember exactly, but being obese in childhood causes either:
1) New fat cells to develop or
2) Fat cells to expand and then always want to remain expanded

A good friend of mine was 275 pounds in high school, he would overeat out of loneliness and boredom. In college he decided to get healthy, and lost over 150 pounds. He then had to have multiple surgeries to remove the excess skin. When I saw him recently at the ten year reunion, he was a different person. Being fat sucks, having skin removal surgeries sucks, but being healthy is priceless. He was more confident and outgoing - truly a different person.

My parents made some mistakes as well - smoked during pregnancy and my entire childhood, not enough veggies, tons of processed crap food, no vitamins, microwaving left overs on styrofoam plates, etc. I can only imagine how tall I would have been if my mom wasn't inhaling cancer sticks during my time in the womb. I could have been a contender!! ;-)

Regardless of what your Mom fed you, the future is in your hands. You can lose those last 50 pounds, and reward yourself with some cosmetic surgery and a nice set of perky tits. Goal based motivation!

I feel bad for pointing the finger at my mom, but I sometimes feel like she did this on purpose. When I was younger, she would always say hateful things like "No one will want you romantically or physically, but that's okay, because -you're my- chunky baby and always will be. I love you." Even now that I've been on my journey to weight loss, she's been happy for me yet upset. I'll ask her to buy veggies, fruit, healthy grains, etc., but instead she buys high carbohydrate foods, fried foods, heavily cooked in grease foods, and so on---with a side of a small container of salad and cut fruit. I'll complain there's nothing to eat, but she'll state there's lots to eat and literally would warm up something fried, and wave it in front of my face.

I can understand that perhaps tv dinners, mcdonalds, etc seem like a reasonable choice if you lack the funds to buy healthier options, but if you actually calculate the money spent on unhealthy foods vs. fresh foods, fresh food saves you a few bucks. My mom grew up in a large family with 8 other siblings. They had their own garden they maintained and ate healthy. My older sister was given healthier foods and has always been thin.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and stuff, you guys. I really appreciate it.

I think it's fair enough to be annoyed at your mum for making you obese as a child, I'm sorry to other people who think otherwise but parents have ultimate control over there child's food and you have to be some sort of super child to turn down cake and ice cream at 10 years old or say mum can we have lean meat and veg instead of MacDonald's tonight. Especially if her mum teased her about her weight too I think she has a right to be resentful. Well done for the 100 pound loss but I have to agree it's in your Hands now you're 20 you want healthy food you buy it, and if the atmospheres to toxic move out. Take care xxx

The reality is probably that none of us had the absolute best 'start in life' we could have done for one reason or another.
There's plenty of things I could easily point fingers too.

However, the reality is that now the biggest influence on mylife is ME and I suspect that's why most of us are here.
You've already shown you can come along way - doing a lot more to help yourself than so many in society do.
Have a re-read of some of the success stories to see what has been achieved.
If you continue your journey you can mitigate the vast majority of factors you are worrying about to a large degree - I'm sure to the degree that you're still in a better position than someone who had a 'better' start to life but isn't making an effort now.