Unfair start in childhood to be a healthy and fit adult

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  • blueimp
    blueimp Posts: 230 Member
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    Moms, in general, don't set out to do harm to their children. I don't know your mom's circumstances -- but in today's society some of her choices may have been imposed upon her: job(s), shuttling kids to school and activities, money (or lack thereof), time and energy, whatever. All of that is in the past. Someday you may be a mom and be forced by circumstances to do what you know isn't best for your children. Life happens.
    Here is what is real: YOU put your big girl pants on and YOU made some huge changes and had fantastic success. :flowerforyou: Stay in the present. YOU are twenty, a young woman with successful experience. :flowerforyou: Keep making YOUR own choices, even if you still live in mom's house. If YOU keep working, some or all of those body issues will correct themselves -- YOU are young, YOU have young skin -- it will get better!
    Stay with it. YOU are awesome!! :flowerforyou:
  • wewon
    wewon Posts: 838 Member
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    Well its unfortunate that you're holding onto resentment and anger at your mother, that's not healthy either.

    However, I won't tell you that you should have gotten yourself into shape, as a child you were pretty much her ward and your parents are your primary role models for good/bad life choices. So in that regard, children are pretty much at the mercy of the adults raising them.

    That all being said, you should seriously consider that your mother was doing the best that she knew how herself. Being angry at her for her ignorance is probably worse than what she did to you without knowing better.
  • SabrinaLily
    SabrinaLily Posts: 121
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    Sorry but a lot of y'all are being mean to her. Perhaps the old addage, "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" should apply. I can respect if you disagree with her blaming her childhood, but adding insult to injury, especially in such an unconstructive manner, is uncalled for. We're all here to lose weight and there's no need to make anyone feel worse than they already do. We're here for support so please be a little more constructive in your comments.
  • samhigh
    samhigh Posts: 86 Member
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    Childhood obesity does have some serious effects on adult health. Props for wanting to change, and being brave enough to share your experience with the MFP community.

    I can't remember exactly, but being obese in childhood causes either:
    1) New fat cells to develop or
    2) Fat cells to expand and then always want to remain expanded

    A good friend of mine was 275 pounds in high school, he would overeat out of loneliness and boredom. In college he decided to get healthy, and lost over 150 pounds. He then had to have multiple surgeries to remove the excess skin. When I saw him recently at the ten year reunion, he was a different person. Being fat sucks, having skin removal surgeries sucks, but being healthy is priceless. He was more confident and outgoing - truly a different person.

    My parents made some mistakes as well - smoked during pregnancy and my entire childhood, not enough veggies, tons of processed crap food, no vitamins, microwaving left overs on styrofoam plates, etc. I can only imagine how tall I would have been if my mom wasn't inhaling cancer sticks during my time in the womb. I could have been a contender!! ;-)

    Regardless of what your Mom fed you, the future is in your hands. You can lose those last 50 pounds, and reward yourself with some cosmetic surgery and a nice set of perky tits. Goal based motivation!
  • jacs119
    jacs119 Posts: 26 Member
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    Not every mother has her child's best interest at heart. Sometimes Moms are mean or evil or stupid or just don't realize what they're doing to their children. Are you the youngest? Maybe she wants you to stay home with her forever. Keeping you as her chunky monkey might help ensure you don't find a mate and move out. Why are you still living at home at 20? Sounds like it's time to move out and move on. Make a plan. Get out of there and buy your own food.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
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    I feel bad for pointing the finger at my mom, but I sometimes feel like she did this on purpose. When I was younger, she would always say hateful things like "No one will want you romantically or physically, but that's okay, because -you're my- chunky baby and always will be. I love you." Even now that I've been on my journey to weight loss, she's been happy for me yet upset. I'll ask her to buy veggies, fruit, healthy grains, etc., but instead she buys high carbohydrate foods, fried foods, heavily cooked in grease foods, and so on---with a side of a small container of salad and cut fruit. I'll complain there's nothing to eat, but she'll state there's lots to eat and literally would warm up something fried, and wave it in front of my face.

    I can understand that perhaps tv dinners, mcdonalds, etc seem like a reasonable choice if you lack the funds to buy healthier options, but if you actually calculate the money spent on unhealthy foods vs. fresh foods, fresh food saves you a few bucks. My mom grew up in a large family with 8 other siblings. They had their own garden they maintained and ate healthy. My older sister was given healthier foods and has always been thin.

    Thanks for the words of encouragement and stuff, you guys. I really appreciate it. <3

    I think it's fair enough to be annoyed at your mum for making you obese as a child, I'm sorry to other people who think otherwise but parents have ultimate control over there child's food and you have to be some sort of super child to turn down cake and ice cream at 10 years old or say mum can we have lean meat and veg instead of MacDonald's tonight. Especially if her mum teased her about her weight too I think she has a right to be resentful. Well done for the 100 pound loss but I have to agree it's in your Hands now you're 20 you want healthy food you buy it, and if the atmospheres to toxic move out. Take care xxx
  • DrMAvDPhD
    DrMAvDPhD Posts: 2,097 Member
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    While you can give your mom part of blame for getting overweight, you can't blame her for your struggle to lose. That is a personal mission and a personal responsibility.

    That being said, my entire family (mother, father, sister, all but one grandparent) were all very overweight throughout my childhood. I never was. Your activity level and food consumption even as a child was at least partially your fault/responsibility, embracing that might help you get the motivation to lose the rest of the weight.
  • Senabun
    Senabun Posts: 7
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    Even though I'm 20years old, moving out at the moment is not an option, nor is buying my own food. I'm going to college to complete my Bio major under government aid, but have been looking for a job since my first year in Uni. Since I lack job experience, I'm not given a chance at many places, so please don't judge in that aspect. Thanks. =) I've certainly been searching and WOULD LOVE to move out, perhaps move in an apartment with my boyfriend, but completely unable to.

    And I was a very active child. I played outside all the time rather than stay in and play video games. I started having a more sedentary life when my neighborhood became worse and more violent (I live in Chicago) with gun shots, gang violence, I was nearly raped on multiple occasions while playing outside, etc.
  • Dealsdreamy
    Dealsdreamy Posts: 26
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    Sorry but a lot of y'all are being mean to her. Perhaps the old addage, "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" should apply. I can respect if you disagree with her blaming her childhood, but adding insult to injury, especially in such an unconstructive manner, is uncalled for. We're all here to lose weight and there's no need to make anyone feel worse than they already do. We're here for support so please be a little more constructive in your comments.



    This ^^ I agree with ,
  • geebusuk
    geebusuk Posts: 3,348 Member
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    The reality is probably that none of us had the absolute best 'start in life' we could have done for one reason or another.
    There's plenty of things I could easily point fingers too.

    However, the reality is that now the biggest influence on mylife is ME and I suspect that's why most of us are here.
    You've already shown you can come along way - doing a lot more to help yourself than so many in society do.
    Have a re-read of some of the success stories to see what has been achieved.
    If you continue your journey you can mitigate the vast majority of factors you are worrying about to a large degree - I'm sure to the degree that you're still in a better position than someone who had a 'better' start to life but isn't making an effort now.
  • SeaChele77
    SeaChele77 Posts: 1,103 Member
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    Sorry but a lot of y'all are being mean to her. Perhaps the old addage, "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" should apply. I can respect if you disagree with her blaming her childhood, but adding insult to injury, especially in such an unconstructive manner, is uncalled for. We're all here to lose weight and there's no need to make anyone feel worse than they already do. We're here for support so please be a little more constructive in your comments.



    This ^^ I agree with ,

    So we should all just say "Oh its okay hunny, you're mother was a terrible mom and you are a precious snowflake"? Sorry - the longer she blames her mom, the longer she will sabatage her success. Let go of the past and move forward.

    She has done amazing....so I will apologize for not mentioning that in my post. But I will not sit idly by as someone whines and complains about what coulda/shoulda/woulda.....today is today and that is what needs to be focused on.

    Yes we are all here for weight loss and tips - I gave her a tip - stop looking back and move forward. I don't want anyone to sugar coat for me. If i have a terrible day - tell me. Don't say "Great job" to my diary when I stuffed my face with crap all day long! If you don't like it....dont' read it. But if you want the advice and guidance....sometimes it stings. Press on!!
  • 21June
    21June Posts: 99
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    Firstly, well done on your weight loss! You're doing fab, :smile:
    I have issues with my parents-in-law feeding our sons what they like! Whilst thankfully, they are not overweight, I'm doing my best to not let them get that way. However, we can make our own choices in life. I've had bad experiences in life and do think that it has had a negative impact on my life but on the other hand, I don't think we can always blame our past on how we are now. Hope this helps! :flowerforyou:
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    My mom had some resentment toward her mom because back then they didn't realize smoking was bad, and she's been addicted to cigarettes since she was 15. Unfair, yeah. But your generation knows things your mother's did not. I get that you're angry because you're realizing how difficult it is to change your life habits, but you've done an awesome job and you're obviously out to have a healthier life for yourself. I don't know why you'd want to focus on resent for the past.
  • UnoDrea3732
    UnoDrea3732 Posts: 342 Member
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    Don't let her actions affect your future. My Dad did the best he could to make sure his kids didn't grow up "fat" and we all did! As parents, we all make mistakes and not to take her side but maybe she was just trying to keep you happy. Sometimes we do things for a moment to keep our loved ones happy and don't think about the consequences of our actions. From one tanted loving heart to another, you have to make your own path. Your Mother did not mean to hurt you in any way, she simply was doing what she thought was right. Anger towards her could possibly set your weight loss back because of the stress.

    I would just try to learn from her mistakes. Make yourself healthy and teach others (possibly children) how to be healthy.
  • drummer_lady
    drummer_lady Posts: 150 Member
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    Not gonna lie, I used to harbor some resentment towards my parents as well for the same reason. I was an extremely active kid, but I ate so much crap that I was fat my entire childhood and adolescence. I certainly don't think my parents did it on purpose - I think they just lacked knowledge of nutrition, and my mom was used to feeding hoards of farmers who needed lots of calories to fuel their manual labour. We ate the same thing they did - lots of red meat (my uncle is a cattle farmer) and white carbs. The only vegetables we ever saw were corn and the occasional carrot. Our freezers were also stocked with frozen pizzas and the like for when no parents were home to cook.

    When I was 15 I basically just stopped eating because I thought that was the only way to lose weight. It wasn't until I moved out, learned about nutrition, and started cooking for myself that I realized how poorly I was eating before and how it's actually much easier to lose weight than I thought. However I don't blame them for my current weight. It's no one's fault but my own that I gained weight back as an adult.
  • kimcalica
    kimcalica Posts: 525 Member
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    I blamed my mom for a lot of my diciplinary problems, then psychological and self esteem issues.. But at a certain point, it's up to you to discover the way to peace within yourself.. Blaming others is only going to be something you'll never free yourself of.. It's an excuse to do things the wrong or unhealthy way.. You need to work out a way to change your perception. Positive thinking will result in positive action.. It's hard when you are unable to do your own shopping and make your own decisions about the food that goes into the house.. I think you should have a serious heart to heart with your
    Mother and make her understand how important this is to you.. And never let it end in a fight.. Always be the bigger person.. No puns!! Even if it takes a long time to get through, in time, something will change!
  • ksumme
    ksumme Posts: 283
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    I understand your frustration, but you (and she) can't change the past. Living with that kind of anger is also bad for you. It leaves your body in constant stress, and that also makes it hard to lose fat - especially in the belly area.

    Who knows why parents make some of the choices they do for the their kids. As some have stated - it might be ignorance, it might be budget, it might be spite... but it might be depression, or any of a multitude of other reasons.

    I've had to deal with horrible things from both of my parents, and through counseling I got to a point where I'd like to say 'forgive and forget'. I will never forget. But, I can't hold a grudge. Life is way too short to live that way. I have to work to recall the positives, and not focus on the varied abuse that went on in the house growing up.

    But, you get to where you make a choice. You continue to have a relationship, and with that focus on the positive parts of that relationship. Or... you walk away. You can't live angry, though. You have to find a way that you can live with to get past that part.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    You know what's cool about being an adult? You get to choose what you educate yourself about and how you live your life.


    My mother frucked my life up as a child. Pretty much set me up for disaster from day one. But I turned 18, started making changes to better myself, and now I'm basically awesome. When I fail, it's because I made a bad choice, not because my mom screwed up my youth. I learned to take full responsibility for my actions, my choices, and my life.


    You should try it.
  • stacyhagberg
    stacyhagberg Posts: 30
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    I know it can be easy to be angry, but you just have to let it go. Her poor choices probably affected her, as well. Being someone who's been overweight for most of your life, you probably know that it's a very difficult cycle to break.
    In my family, food was used as a way to show each other we cared. My mom would oftentimes bring me home treats (junk food) to show that she loved and was thinking about me.
    I sometimes do feel angry towards my mom for not teaching me good eating habits, but then I realize that she has issues with food herself. I think that if your mother isn't overweight, exercises and eats healthy but fed you junk food- THEN you should be angry at her because she obviously was just trying to make your life miserable. However, I'm assuming it wasn't- and that she loved and cared about you and was only giving you junk food because that was what made her happy/helped her cope with emotions/whatever it was for her.
    I've found that letting go of the anger towards my upbringing has really helped me be a happier person. There's nothing I can do about the past, just the present to change the future. :)
  • Keltinator
    Keltinator Posts: 265
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    First off, congrats on your success thus far!

    I think this is a tricky subject and that in the end there is blame on both your side and your mom's side. Yes, when you were really young, you had to eat what she fed you. But once you had gotten into your teens, there probably was an opportunity to stand up for yourself a little bit. I saw that happen with many of my friends: they were chubby and then in high school they took their bodies seriously, hit the gym, ate better, and lost weight.

    Regardless of whether you think it's your mom's fault or not, it's time to take control of your life.

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