Unfair start in childhood to be a healthy and fit adult

Sorry but a lot of y'all are being mean to her. Perhaps the old addage, "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" should apply. I can respect if you disagree with her blaming her childhood, but adding insult to injury, especially in such an unconstructive manner, is uncalled for. We're all here to lose weight and there's no need to make anyone feel worse than they already do. We're here for support so please be a little more constructive in your comments.

This ^^ I agree with ,

So we should all just say "Oh its okay hunny, you're mother was a terrible mom and you are a precious snowflake"? Sorry - the longer she blames her mom, the longer she will sabatage her success. Let go of the past and move forward.

She has done amazing....so I will apologize for not mentioning that in my post. But I will not sit idly by as someone whines and complains about what coulda/shoulda/woulda.....today is today and that is what needs to be focused on.

Yes we are all here for weight loss and tips - I gave her a tip - stop looking back and move forward. I don't want anyone to sugar coat for me. If i have a terrible day - tell me. Don't say "Great job" to my diary when I stuffed my face with crap all day long! If you don't like it....dont' read it. But if you want the advice and guidance....sometimes it stings. Press on!!

My mom had some resentment toward her mom because back then they didn't realize smoking was bad, and she's been addicted to cigarettes since she was 15. Unfair, yeah. But your generation knows things your mother's did not. I get that you're angry because you're realizing how difficult it is to change your life habits, but you've done an awesome job and you're obviously out to have a healthier life for yourself. I don't know why you'd want to focus on resent for the past.

Not gonna lie, I used to harbor some resentment towards my parents as well for the same reason. I was an extremely active kid, but I ate so much crap that I was fat my entire childhood and adolescence. I certainly don't think my parents did it on purpose - I think they just lacked knowledge of nutrition, and my mom was used to feeding hoards of farmers who needed lots of calories to fuel their manual labour. We ate the same thing they did - lots of red meat (my uncle is a cattle farmer) and white carbs. The only vegetables we ever saw were corn and the occasional carrot. Our freezers were also stocked with frozen pizzas and the like for when no parents were home to cook.

When I was 15 I basically just stopped eating because I thought that was the only way to lose weight. It wasn't until I moved out, learned about nutrition, and started cooking for myself that I realized how poorly I was eating before and how it's actually much easier to lose weight than I thought. However I don't blame them for my current weight. It's no one's fault but my own that I gained weight back as an adult.

I understand your frustration, but you (and she) can't change the past. Living with that kind of anger is also bad for you. It leaves your body in constant stress, and that also makes it hard to lose fat - especially in the belly area.

Who knows why parents make some of the choices they do for the their kids. As some have stated - it might be ignorance, it might be budget, it might be spite... but it might be depression, or any of a multitude of other reasons.

I've had to deal with horrible things from both of my parents, and through counseling I got to a point where I'd like to say 'forgive and forget'. I will never forget. But, I can't hold a grudge. Life is way too short to live that way. I have to work to recall the positives, and not focus on the varied abuse that went on in the house growing up.

But, you get to where you make a choice. You continue to have a relationship, and with that focus on the positive parts of that relationship. Or... you walk away. You can't live angry, though. You have to find a way that you can live with to get past that part.

I know it can be easy to be angry, but you just have to let it go. Her poor choices probably affected her, as well. Being someone who's been overweight for most of your life, you probably know that it's a very difficult cycle to break.
In my family, food was used as a way to show each other we cared. My mom would oftentimes bring me home treats (junk food) to show that she loved and was thinking about me.
I sometimes do feel angry towards my mom for not teaching me good eating habits, but then I realize that she has issues with food herself. I think that if your mother isn't overweight, exercises and eats healthy but fed you junk food- THEN you should be angry at her because she obviously was just trying to make your life miserable. However, I'm assuming it wasn't- and that she loved and cared about you and was only giving you junk food because that was what made her happy/helped her cope with emotions/whatever it was for her.
I've found that letting go of the anger towards my upbringing has really helped me be a happier person. There's nothing I can do about the past, just the present to change the future.

Congratulations for your weight loss and for deciding to take care of your health. Your progress so far is amazing.
I am not sure I can give any sound advice, so I'll stick to a big digital hug and encouragement.
Walking a lot combined with strenght training usually help with weight loss and toning. Also, you are young: your skin should be able to get back to normal if you lose your weight slow enough. Don't be angry and don't give up, what you did so far is amazing - I am sure you can keep going.

Congrat's on your loss so far. Don't dwell on the past. What's done is done. You can't change it so put it behind you and leave it there. As for the future...you can make a change and seems like you are on the right track. YOU are in charge of you know. Make good choices. Good luck on the rest of your journey.

I've been addicted to everything I've ever touched since adolescence...


I blamed my father (a truly evil man) , my (even more) abusive mother, where my family lived, the people who introduced me to " you name it". my wives, girlfriends, employers, etc...etc....etc.!! :laugh:

Then a book by Brian Tracy reminded me that the past is dead, and I'm alive:

"Accepting that you're completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the rescue is the beginning of peak performance. There's very little that you cannot do or have after you accept that If it's to be, it's up to me!

The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people and things for what's going on in your life. And since everything we do is a matter of habit, if people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of evading responsibility at the same time. If they set a goal or objective for themselves, they immediately create an excuse that they hold in reserve just in case the accomplishment of the goal is too difficult or requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought. As soon as things start to go poorly, irresponsible people trot out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. But that won't get them anywhere in the long run."

This was a revolutionary way of looking at the world....

I saw myself immediately upon reading this, and I soon realized, that blame is destructive, and accepting full responsibilty for my present and future is powerful, and creative! It's working for me.

PM me if you want some book titles, or just to talk.


It's hard if we aren't used to it, but we have to shed those chains of our past, and we need to learn make our own, new , better, and healthy way.

Lowell in Miami


"

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha

Ok so this is going to be long, mainly because of some of the replies that you have received. Some of them have excellent points and wonderful advice and then some of them act like you are attacking them as a parent.

As far as I can tell from your post as well as your replies to people replying to your post I do feel like your mom gave you an unfair start. And you absolutely have the right to feel upset and angry and anyone that dismisses those feelings should really not respond to your post.

As parents we have a duty to raise healthy children. If we do not know what healthy is then we freaking look that crap up. If our child is overweight then it is our duty as a good parent to help the child fix the problem. I have four daughters. Three of them are normal healthy weight children and one of them is not overweight but is getting a bit pudgy. I see it. She gets sweet just like the other children but I also make sure that I provide her with veggies that she likes. She doesn’t like peas but she loves green beans…so I make sure that her picky eating habits are met. Now when she becomes a teen and she goes to school and spends her lunch money on junk then that is on her but I will do my best by her when she is at home with me. Together my children and I will sit down and make a plan that everyone can be happy with.

And for some reason people think that kids just magically know why they are fat. No unfortunately it is NOT a 10 year olds fault that they are fat or a 13 year olds fault. Sorry but this is poor parenting. Mom and Dad help show children how to eat and THEY buy the food that enters the home. If you don’t have a job then you can’t buy your own food so who buys it? The parents. So whose fault is it? The parents. Anybody seeing a problem in this has issues and may need to look inside and ask themselves why they don’t think that this is the parents fault. Also who cares if mom or dad doesn’t know any better? So what. When I made the decision to have kids I also made the decision to take care of them and TEACH them how to care for themselves. Which means that if I do not know something then I look it up. If I find out my kid has diabetes then well of course I am going to look up how to help my child mediate the problem and learn from our mistakes. No parents aren’t perfect and yes we make mistakes but at some point it isn’t a mistake it is neglect and wrong. I have a relative who feeds her kids ONLY fast food and a snack on the way to fast food is a package of candy.

However everyone is right that there comes a time in life when you have to stand back and get over the hurt and pain. You will never heal until you decide to let it go. You do have to let go of that baggage. Easier said than done but you have to do it. Look we all have baggage. I have baggage from my dad telling ALL my relatives that I was black mailing him saying that he cheated on my mom. I was babysitting the neighbor’s kids when she was late getting back so I left a note on her door telling her that I was taking her kids to my house. I didn’t know that I accidently witnessed her sneaking out of our house. And so to head off me telling people he told them that I was lying even though I was too naïve to realize what I had witnessed. People are often crappy and that includes our family.

And as Photogrrl has said and as I will say, By the way if you haven’t started weight training you probably should…it might get you over that hump you are stuck at.

By the way Senabun I can see from your reply when you said, “No one will want you romantically or physically, but that's okay, because -you're my- chunky baby and always will be. I love you." I don’t know that she meant that hatefully more like stupidly. Meaning she was saying hey your fat but I love you so don’t worry about anyone else. No matter how she said it, IT WAS STUPID and HURTFUL. Actually you might not realize it but from your reply it sounds like you are the ‘baby’ of the family. Sounds like she is terrified that you are going to meet someone and then leave her home. The smaller you get the more likely you will to find a love interest and the more likely that her home will be empty (empty nest syndrome). Sounds like she’s terrified of losing her baby.

Haahaa, I just read jacs119 reply and I am totally leaning towards her trying to keep you at home. Seriously my husband would try to sabotage my diet plans a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I think he was scared I’d get all skinned up and someone would steal me away as he was chubby at the time. 10 years later, 4 kids later, and one handsome buff husband later he no longer tries to get me to eat bad foods.

Also you should sign up for work study. That would at least give you your own money to buy your own food.

That sucks that you had a bad start. That probably did start you off on this path, but now you know what the problem is, you are an adult, you need to fix it, looking back in anger is not going to help you.
You are an adult, you can live on your own, or at least get your own food, you can't complain that your mum feeds you the wrong food when she shouldn't have to be feeding you now anyway. Do something about this now, so you don't have to look back in another 10 years with regret and anger at today.

Well done on losing 100 pounds, thats an awesome achievement. I agree with someone who said start weight training if you don't already. It may help you lose the rest, and may also help stop your skin from sagging further.

I'm calling troll! But I will let others make the call.

OK. Sorry you had a bad start. Truly, nobody's parents are perfect. But you are well on your way to recovery.

Some help? (I hope)

Have you seen the movie, "Rent?" I have adopted the song, "No day but today" as my anthem. I don't have to think about anything that was done to me or not done for me. AND I don't have to think about what I did or didn't do, either. Just today.

And for the plastic surgery--I assume you mean to remove the extra skin? Check into local burn centers. They usually offer better prices for this surgery, and then use the excised skin for burn patients.

Hope that helps some. And I hope this was mainly just a bad day.. We all have them, but they go away. Hang in there.

I know you're angry at your mom's meal choices .. you have to let it go now. Maybe she had her own depression and food issues. Maybe she simply didn't know how to cook unless it came out of a box and was pre-packaged. Packaged meals saved a lot of women from learning how to cook ..

I love cooking and have always cooked from scratch .. but .. that's just me. I've also learned that lots of recipes are not exactly "thinning" LOL .. But that shouldn't be the end of cooking either.

Now .. let's look at you today .. CONGRATS ON LOSING 100 LBS!! That's an amazing accomplishment. Even if you haven't budged for 2 years in weight .. that's good too .. because you've MAINTAINED!

It's time for a change up! So now .. start researching healthy foods .. top ten foods for healthy skin .. or healthy heart. Fat burning foods .. and cholesterol busters! Find out good fats from bad fats .. Veggies, Fruits, Nuts, seeds, lean meats and fish. Google it!

Next .. go shopping with your mom .. and offer substitute items for some stuff she may get. Look for coupons online and in the papers .. Instead of a bag of chips .. buy a bag of baby carrots to munch on. Make minor grocery adjustments. Less sodas (and avoid those diet sodas .. they're just as unhealthy)

Tell her it is extremely important to you to get and stay healthy.. and you'd like to help her too. You want her to stay around a while .. be there for when you get married and have children of your own. Tell her also .. you will need to be there for her one day -- and together, you can learn to cook and eat more healthy foods. Together .. you can extend your lives!

You can do this .. let go of the past .. don't blame your mom .. teach her a better way of eating too! It can only benefit you all!

Simple answer:

You had no control then. You do now, so use it!

If you need to use anger as a tool to push you to success then go for it, but don't live in the past and blame others. Negativity will hinder your progress - that I am 100% sure of!