Heavy family weighing you down?

This topic is rather interesting. Not to sound rude, but you don't want us to bash your family. Okay, though it seems like you did a good job of that yourself.


Love your family unconditionally, unfortunately we can't change them, but you can supply loads of support, and if they just won't listen to your wanting them to slow down, then let them be, and enjoy their time. I am sure this is testing for you when you're near them. It's hard not to feel like indulging... but your will power is strong so keep going!

Yes, I do know what you are talking about. Everything revolves around a meal... the good thing for you is that you have will power something I have not managed to control. For me my family lives a few hours away so it is only on occasion that we see them. They do not have any interest in the outdoor activities I try to promote in my children and myself, very little encouragment, so I understand it can be hard. Just stick with what you are doing and when you reach your goal they will be jealous!

I added that last PS. because I am not looking to hear "maybe you should talk to your family about heir eating habits and try to get them to eat healthy" everyone has to do it when they are ready..

This is so true! My little sister (she is 17 almost 18.. jeez!) Anyway, I have been trying to get her to workout because she has been "dieting" which means just eating less stuff and losing a little weight for her future prom. But she has stopped at 10 lbs, because it is dieting alone. Anyway, she doesn't want to exercise no matter how much I give her advice too.

But you are so right about everyone has to do it when they are ready. I really didn't take care of myself until I had a mental click - now I can't imagine not taking care of myself. I just have to wait for her too. Plus it was always hard growing up and seeing my mom "diet" (but she would just say she was and never track her calories) and never lose weight.

I can see exactly where you are coming from.

I'm fairly new here, but this is a problem for me too. My plan is to host the get togethers. If I host then I have some control over what is served (though my mom still brings some of the fattening stuff). Luckily, my house is the largest, so it works out. I ALWAYS make a crudite platter with veggies and pickled stuff that I love. I also don't serve alcohol because most of my famiy doesn't drink. They do like their pop though. I don't buy it, so it's up to them to bring their own. Last easter we bought a backyard volley ball net and set that up for Thanksgiving too, so we spent a lot of time outdoors (aka away from the food!). I hope that helps!

Holly,
Have you thought about carrying a post-it pad and just keeping track of what you eat? Or better if you have a smart-phone! Just pull it out jot down what and how much. Also, wait 20 minutes before going back for more. It will give your stomach a chance to know it isn't hungry anymore.

Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Seems like we have the Italians to blame here. LOL. I am also 1/2 Italian and yes my family LOVES to eat!!! That's what our lives revolved around our entire life, Good meals. My Nonna (grandma) and My dad and all my aunts and uncles are VERY big and round. I just spoke to my Nonna a couple weeks ago and she told me that she is fine with her weight. She knows she is big but she said she has been this way her whole life and she just loves 'good' food. She said if it bothers other people then just don't look at her. I TOTALLY agree. She swims and walks regularly but she also follows up with gnocchi or roast beef dinners with gravy, Italian pastries ect. Some people will never give up their food. Thats just the way it is.
But YES when I am around them I find myself saying to myself "well i guess one plate of this pasta wouldn't hurt" Then when my aunt is saying "mange" and throws another scoop on my plate I think 'well one more is fine I guess" Then the cabbage rolls, roast and potatoes come out and I am doomed...

I am Italian. We ate for every funeral, birth, wedding, and any event that might come up. We are a family of drinkers and outgoing, gregarious fools. We go out to eat and my husband would complain that all we do is talk about food while we're at the restaurant! I've made my changes. They don't want to. They don't even really want to support me, because they think that would be admitting some kind of fault on their part. My family is a bunch of freaks. But God knows I love them even if i have a hard time accepting them, LMAO!!

both my family and my husband's family are like this. on my side, the hardest part is not trying the variety (it is usually potluck and they are ALL fabulous cooks). just a dash of this and a little bit of that adds up. on my husband's side, it is the alcohol. if you aren't carying a beer/mixed drink, lots will be said and it seems to offend them for some reason. i can usually get by without consuming too much, but if i'm carrying it around, i am going to drink it. i am weak like that. lol. it is tough because we typically spend three weekends a month with one side or the other. we have one weekend to ourselves but we have turned into big foodies and love eating out. plus, i love making gourmet meals so that doesn't help. ahhh, families. what would we do without them?

Right there with you. I love my family, but they all have weight issues. Sometimes i feel like i'm a weirdo because i am eating differently. I tell myself that I am setting a good example for my son, so he doesn't end up fat like me.

Ahh yes thats all my family thinks about is food, food and more food. Everything we do is revolved around that, all our weekends and stuff are planned around what we're doing and where we're eating or what they want my mom to cook. It's easy to get caught up in it, the trick is to have ur own meals before family events so when u get there perhaps have a bite to eat to satisfy ur craving but it won't push u over ur cals and they won't get offended.

My mom came to visit me for 3 weeks and I think she got annoyed at how much she wanted to go out to eat andI just wanted a little salad or something healthy. but before she left she complimented me on how committed I was and how much I've improved my lifestyle over all and that brought a big smile to my face.. hopefully she will take some of it back with her and teach my bros and sis to be the same.

Seems like we have the Italians to blame here. LOL. I am also 1/2 Italian and yes my family LOVES to eat!!! That's what our lives revolved around our entire life, Good meals. My Nonna (grandma) and My dad and all my aunts and uncles are VERY big and round. I just spoke to my Nonna a couple weeks ago and she told me that she is fine with her weight. She knows she is big but she said she has been this way her whole life and she just loves 'good' food. She said if it bothers other people then just don't look at her. I TOTALLY agree. She swims and walks regularly but she also follows up with gnocchi or roast beef dinners with gravy, Italian pastries ect. Some people will never give up their food. Thats just the way it is.
But YES when I am around them I find myself saying to myself "well i guess one plate of this pasta wouldn't hurt" Then when my aunt is saying "mange" and throws another scoop on my plate I think 'well one more is fine I guess" Then the cabbage rolls, roast and potatoes come out and I am doomed...

LOL you're like my family twin. "mange mange" is all I hear. :laugh: I'm living with my Nonni ( we call her Nonni because when we were little we couldn't say Nonna for some reason and it stuck) and my aunt. My Nonni loves to cook and her form of happiness is to see everyone full - overly full that is. Going to great Aunts and Uncles houses to visit = cookies, pastries, eating "mange, mange"!! lol

i was reading this think hey thats interesting before realising my family is the same. not soi much my parents but my 4 siblings. I have 4 brothers and the only one who is small is my closest brother who suffers from ADHD or i think its called ADD in america. the attention deficit one. He cant gain a pound even if he tried lol. But when I look at my family I don;t see over indulgers I just see un educated eaters and I don't mean are dumb either lol. I'm sure someone knows what i mean.
they pick up soup and think "healthy" even though it contains spoonfuls of salt. they think that white pasta should be consumed in masses for energy etc etc .... I don't pester them because I was exactly the same a few years ago. I always try to help though does anyone else think that nutrition is such a massive pool of knowledge and only knowing half makes it harder than knowing nothing. Im sure there is a saying about ignorange in there somewhere lol
Lovee this websites help though
Ben
x

I don't know about you, but I was always looking for practical advice on this issue too. Believe it or not, I started life as a mouse. I have had SO much experience with this it really isn't funny. :grumble: Family, spouses, friends, colleagues, you name it...they've tried to sabotage me. Everyone seems to have an opinion about my body and everyone likes to share it with me and others. At least, they will if I let them. So...over the years, I've developed a few strategies :devil:, as well as a rather... ummmm... assertive personality, having spent the first 30 or so years of my life as a doormat.

Why a Diet Saboteur? [I always need to understand what motivates people - it's a 'thing' I have]

They don't understand (usually because they have never had a weight problem, so I am just a silly fat cow in their eyes and these are usually the 'one bite won't hurt' folks) Are they stupid? Do they not know that's how this happens? One bite at a time! Anyhoo...mini rant over.
They are jealous and don't want to be 'left behind' while I lose weight and they don't. In other words, they are competitive
They are afraid of change
They are afraid I will change
They want to control me (see conversation below)
They miss the "old" me and my old familiar habits that make them feel comfortable
Seeing me changing means they might have to look at themselves and change too
They are afraid I will leave them (spouses)
They are afraid others will notice me (spouses) [as if I would care - the next male that crosses my threshold will only be able to say one thing - "Meow!"] Ever wonder why retirement homes are full of little old 'single' ladies? I don't. Nuff said.
They believe that Food is Love. It takes effort to make it. Therefore I "should" make an effort to receive/eat it. Otherwise, I don't 'properly' love them back. [Having made meals without receiving so much as a half dozen "Thanks." for 20 years, like many women, I sorta get that, but it's still an erroneous belief, based on unrealistic expectations that others are mind readers - can also be culturally perpetuated, but I haven't personally run into that.

So... how do I deal with it?

It all depends on who is doing the sabotage and what their motive is...here are some options I've used:

For the office baker or the untried, potential saboteur thoughtlessly waving brownies under my nose, murmuring "MMMMMM" in pseudo-sexual tones: I just smile and say "No thanks" and don't explain (explanations and details open the door for further sabotage)
If pressed, I say firmly, "No. Really. Thanks anyway," and look at them as if I think they're a bit thick. Most polite people will leave it at that. See below for 'special' measures.

If they're a repeat offender and I know they know exactly what I'm doing, because I've already let it slip or someone has blabbed, when they start sabotaging, I nod, smile and laughingly say, "Oh....do I detect a sabotage attempt? What's your motive?" [I turn the tables on them and force them to explain themselves - preferably publicly, since that's usually how they like to operate] When they're done gibbering, I smile knowingly and say, "I see."

For the "Guilters" that never give up, no matter what I do or say, I say, "Oh my God! That is so wonderful of you! Thank you! Mmm (nibble) this is SO delicious. You are SO great!" Basically, I gush appreciation then go to the bathroom and flush it. Do I feel guilty? Heck, no. They want me to stay fat! To the crapper with their burnt offering! All they usually want is my appreciation for their efforts anyway, but if they're really, truly diabolical and are doing it to keep me fat, again, to heck with them!

Take it and leave it on the plate, or wrap it in a napkin. Don't explain. Flush later. It really is okay to avoid a food confrontation. My body, my business. If I get caught, "I'm so sorry. I'd had enough and old habits die hard. I used to have to hide what I couldn't eat [ok... that's a lie] and now look at me. I'm so fat, I'm sure you don't want that to be even a little bit your fault." [Hey! I learned from the best guilters in the world!] This works because they have to say, "Oh of course not, and you're not fat! But you could have left it for someone else and I certainly would have understood." [can't leave it alone without assaulting me with at least a little guilt]. ME: That's good to know for next time. Thank you for supporting me. I really appreciate it." I win that round!

Avoid situations where I can't resist. Find an excuse. Don't explain. For those of you who are honest folk, I'm not suggesting I lie, I just find something more important to do [which is just about anything] and don't explain. "I'm sorry, I'm not available." and if they press me, see the option above for "Guilters". In other words, if they won't accept an alternative outing that's less food centred, or it's one of those things you 'have' to do like attend a wedding reception, just go and gut it out.

How to flush:
At the office, "Is that my phone ringing?" hurry away to office, carrying the food, or place hand on stomach, look startled "Excuse me!" and rush to bathroom
At home, "Excuse me" walk quickly to bathroom with food in hand/napkin. Laugh when they ask if you are bulemic.
As a guest, see above.

If I'm feeling open to conflict and I want to stop it in its tracks, I explain. I ask for their help. I insist on it. If the person is the type to make things worse for me, then I resort to the suggestions above.

In the office, I find it helps to enlist the help of supportive people to help me fight against saboteurs. In the office, someone else who is 'dieting', for example, can be great at tag-teaming potential saboteurs. At home, it's a little tougher, because I'm really on my own, but I'm not afraid to be my own best advocate. As you can probably tell.

When all else fails, be honest. Be direct. Be the grownup. "When you offer me brownies, knowing I'm trying to lose weight, I believe you are attempting to sabotage my efforts and I don't like it. This isn't the first time you've done this and I want you to stop." Watch them flounder and claim innocence and don't worry if they try to turn it back on you as if it's your problem. It's okay to let others be responsible for their behaviour. Don't doubt your instincts. Own your actions. Reap the result. Be fearless. It's fun and life is, paradoxically, much easier when you are assertive.

Here's a sample conversation I had with a recent office saboteur who also happens to be a repeat offender and one who is afraid of being 'left behind' out of an overinflated sense of the need to compete , with whom being confronted with true assertiveness is a reason to cry, so I chickened out and chose avoidance manouvres:
S: I notice you're eating healthy food. What with the lettuce and all that. [said in a snide tone she can barely disguise] Are you dieting?
ME: The doc said 'Get Healthy!' so I'm getting healthy.
S: Are you ill? (nosey)
ME: Not at all. The doc just naturally wants me healthy, because she's a doc and I'm her patient.
S: There must be a reason [I know she's lying to me]
ME: Yeah. To get healthier. Everyone can stand to do that. [I give her the down-up look - she's trying to tick me off and I say turnabout is fair play]
S: So...you're dieting. [smugly] What are you doing? Like...what diet are you following? [so I can criticize it and remind you of how likely you are to fail]
ME: Oh no, I'm not dieting, per se. I'm eating healthy, one choice at a time.
S: One choice at a time, eh? [skeptically]. So...what do you eat? [so I can criticize it]
ME: Healthy food.
S: What food? What's healthy? [I'm getting annoyed. Be specific, so I can criticize it]
ME: Don't you know? [I couldn't resist] pause Actually, whatever is in front of me or available at the time.
S: That's not always going to be healthy is it? [also smugly]
ME: [silent shrug]
S: So...what's your version of healthy? [so I can criticize it and pick apart your 'plan']
ME: The usual healthy choices.
S: What's the usual? [so I can criticize it]
ME: A healthy balance - everything in moderation
S: Moderation. So...you don't always eat healthy foods." [AHA! Now we're getting somewhere!]
ME: I try to.
S: But not always. That's pretty vague. What did you eat for breakfast, for example? [getting annoyed again]
ME: Well...one meal does not an overall healthy diet make, so that wouldn't necessarily be a good example. There are lots of foods to choose from. Surely you don't need a list? There's lots of information available on the internet.
S: No, of course not. I'm asking you what you're doing. Just in general...[now I'll get an answer...]
ME: Well, in general I choose the healthier choice before me.
S: Clearly you don't want to talk about this. [totally ticked now]
ME: Not really.
S: You could have said so. Don't you trust me? [emotional guilting tactic]
ME: Sure! [as if!] My body is my business though. I don't like talking about it with anyone. What goes in it is also my business. For that matter, what comes out of it is my business. Surely you don't want a description of THAT!
S: Of course not! [although they probably do...]
Getting nowhere with the details on what.....so let's try another tactic to get the upper hand
S: So...how much do you eat?
ME: Just enough.
S: How do you know what's enough?
ME: I estimate.
S: [frustrated sigh] How many calories or carbs or whatever it is you're counting? [hope she slips up!]
ME: Don't know exactly. [which is partly true, because all the entries I make are only estimates.]
S: Then how do you know if you're doing it right? [I want to tell you how unhealthy you're being! I want to make sure you do it MY way because my way is the BEST way]
ME: I've lost weight.
S: How much?
ME: Don't know exactly. Don't own a scale. [ok. that's a lie, thus the clipped answers]
S: Then how do you know?
ME: My clothes are looser.
S: How much did you weigh when you started [so I can tell everyone just how enormously fat you were]
ME: No idea. I don't own a scale.
S; You'll wish you knew so you can tell everyone. You must have SOME idea! [Boy! are you stupid! And...I wish I knew]
ME: No, I don't really have an accurate idea. And I don't feel the need to look back.
S: Did you even take a 'before' picture? [so I can find it on the internet and show everyone]
ME: Again, I don't intend to look back, but I'm sure there are enough of those before pictures floating around
S: Well...you'll be sorry. [she didn't tell me anything! There must be something wrong with her.]
ME: Not if I'm slim and healthy I won't.
S: Well...good luck with whatever you're doing. [what a bit@h!]

As I said...plenty of experience. And a very low threshold for BS tolerance.

Hollycat :flowerforyou:

My family is this way too but my brother and I are the only over weight ones. Everyone else seems to get the moderation thing with fattening foods, where as I can stand at the appetizer table for hours eating spinach dip (didn't have one bite on Thanksgiving!). I often bring my own food. If we are having pasta, I bring a plate of cooked whole wheat pasta. If we are having appetizers I bring a really good dip for the veggies and maybe a baggie of cheese and crackers. if we are having pizza, I order my own from Round Table because I know how many slices of that specific kind I can have. The best part is, most of my family will beg me for my stuff. I've also learned that if there are appetizers and a meal to wait until right before dinner to get my appetizers so I'm not standing there the whole time. Or I will eat right before I leave so I'm not tempted to go back for seconds, or thirds. I've also started taking 4 mile walks with lots of hills before any family function, it's a route my cousin and I mapped out from my moms house a few hours before Thanksgiving dinner this past year.
I use to joke with my mom and ask her what everyone in the family did if we invited them over at 1:30 and then didn't feed them anything :laugh: I think most socializing is around food, but I also thing a lot of good food is healthy food. Unfortunately, most people associate socializing with eating junk.
Thanks for the post and making me realize I'm really not alone.