"Your job is to take care of me"

frosty73
frosty73 Posts: 424 Member
in Chit-Chat
...said my husband, only halfway joking, last night when I was going to help out a friend whose husband is dying.

I've been married almost 20 years, and this statement is the crux of almost EVERY issue we have.
I have a major issue with this statement, but I can't quite put my finger on the problem. Yes, I agreed to marry him--- and that does mean we are responsible for taking care of each other. But.... is it my job?

I'd appreciate any insight. I really can't figure out why this bothers me so much.
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Replies

  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    Sounds like job is a poor choice of words on his part.

    Only you know why this bothers you. Perhaps it's a sense of entitlement on his behalf "You HAVE to take care of me" regardless of your want to take care of him, you HAVE to do it? Or something else? But really, only you can understand why it bothers you.

    Maybe you're just having a bad day and he's an easy target.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Just break up.
  • AmberJo1984
    AmberJo1984 Posts: 1,067 Member
    Probably because it's his job to take care of you, too. Does he do that? It's a two-way street... to treat each other respectfully and how you would want to be treated.

    It would probably get on my nerves too... if I was married.

    I would talk to him, though.
  • diodelcibo
    diodelcibo Posts: 2,564 Member
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.
  • miracole
    miracole Posts: 492 Member
    It bothers you because it's a copout, and a one- direction statement. If it were "our jobs are to take care of each other" it would be less irritating.

    Plus the word "job" makes it into an obligation. Frankly you married him to enjoy all the benefits of being married, love, stability, a best friend who is there to support. Suggesting that any part of that is an obligation takes away all the best parts of it.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    Just break up.

    :heart: :heart:
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.

    I thought your avatar was a naked bum.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.

    I thought your avatar was a naked bum.
    I actually still cant figure out what it is..
  • kittymewmew66
    kittymewmew66 Posts: 22
    It depends on the context. My husband and I have been friends for twelve years. We dated for 6 years, lived together for 5, and have been married for a year and a half. I say that to him all the time, and once an awhile he says it to be, but in a joking way. This statement helped us when were putting our finances together, and he did not want to. It took him a few days to adjust to this new concept, but he came back and said I was right, but" we" both take care of "each other". It is a sharing process not meant to derogatory, but I see how that could be. I always thank him for taking care of me and he does the same. It's a sharing kind of good "ping pong ball" concept;)

    Good luck and I hope it was not at all negative. You have a right to be bothered by it though, sometimes we don't always pay attention to how sensitive we really are inside.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    OH . . . my. He's a bit selfish, hmmmm?
  • Crookey21
    Crookey21 Posts: 311 Member
    when i get married, i hope my wife would take care of me. i shouldnt be left to my own devices. i would never get anything done!
  • RedHeadDevotchka
    RedHeadDevotchka Posts: 1,394 Member
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.

    I thought your avatar was a naked bum.


    me too!!!

    To answer the question....I think it's bc it sounds selfish, and like a child. No, you are not supposed to take care of him, you are supposed to go through life together as a team.
  • Espressocycle
    Espressocycle Posts: 2,245 Member
    Your jobs are to take care of each other, but I believe time off to care for dying friends is allowed as well.
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
    Tell him if he wanted someone to take care of him, he should have married his mother.

    I agree, it's the way it was phrased that's probably hitting you so hard.
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.

    I thought your avatar was a naked bum.
    I actually still cant figure out what it is..
    i think its a naked bum too
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    Just break up.

    yep, this is your only option.

    I thought your avatar was a naked bum.
    Yaaaay Dani!!! and the world is good again......\m/
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    Why don't you ask him what he meant and talking to him about why it might have upset you instead of a bunch of strangers?

    We can only guess and you can only wonder until you ask. Could mean he's upset or could mean nothing. Won't know until you ask.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Tell him if he wanted someone to take care of him, he should have married his mother.

    I agree, it's the way it was phrased that's probably hitting you so hard.

    ^ This.

    I always say, being in a relationship is not about 50% / 50% ... it's about being two whole people, completely self-reliant, who choose to be with each other because you're better as a team than you are individually. That was my response when my ex would tell me "Don't go, I NEED you" ... I would say, "I don't want you to need me - I want you to be okay by yourself but WANT me instead". Hope that makes sense.

    Best of luck. ♥
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    If he means be a surrogate mother and cook, clean and generally take care of him in that manner, then I would find that insulting. Though, I have no problems if that works for others. If he means, should he become sick or injured that it's your job to take care of him, then that's a little different. I think a spouse does have some responsibility in that area, even if it's just ensure that he has a professional to take care of him.

    Being married shouldn't mean you have to change his diapers and hand feed him unless you want to, but IMO it should mean that find someone who will if he's not able.
  • tigerlinly
    tigerlinly Posts: 219 Member
    take care of him yes but your job to take care of him no he has a complex issue and jealousy issue all he wants its to hide u away from everyone else and no worth having if u ask me
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Maybe because that statement doesn't really impart that he took the same vow that you did. You didn't vow to take care of him. You vowed to take care of each other. It might not hurt to remind him of that... tactfully. :flowerforyou:
  • jcstanton
    jcstanton Posts: 1,849 Member
    In this particular instance, I think maybe it bothers you because you were going to help a friend in need (which is a good, kind thing to do), but instead of supporting you and being understanding, he made a rather selfish remark. In general, I think maybe it bothers you because it comes across as taking you for granted. Like he doesn't fully appreciate the fact that you do what you do because you WANT to out of love for him, not because you HAVE to. My dad had this attitude toward my mom, and they ended a nearly thirty year marriage because of it (among other things). I'm not saying you should leave him over his attitude, but I do think a serious discussion and perhaps some marriage counseling are in order before the problem becomes too serious.
  • kealambert
    kealambert Posts: 961 Member
    that's quite the antiquated view of marriage he seems to have
  • 17ChargerGirl17
    17ChargerGirl17 Posts: 441
    My job is to take care of my kids... and that's supposed to end at 18 right? LOL
    ya I didnt think so.
  • natalianogueira
    natalianogueira Posts: 76 Member
    It bothers you because it's a copout, and a one- direction statement. If it were "our jobs are to take care of each other" it would be less irritating.

    Plus the word "job" makes it into an obligation. Frankly you married him to enjoy all the benefits of being married, love, stability, a best friend who is there to support. Suggesting that any part of that is an obligation takes away all the best parts of it.


    This. ˆˆ
  • MrsPong
    MrsPong Posts: 580 Member
    When I was a stay at home mom, I always thought and felt like it was my job to cook, clean, raise our kid and take care of him. (He thought that also....bothered the hell outta me at the time...but now that I work I kinda understand...)
    Now that I'm working he will equally do his part, he will clean and cook what he can to help me out...

    I'm in home health care, I see clients trying to care for their spouse who is ill, and it takes a toll...but they do it (with help).
    Hubbys a few years older than me and in the Marines, so I know one day it will be my job to take care of him when he can't do it whether old age or god forbid an injury....I'm willing to do it, I married that man. :heart:
  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,340 Member
    Is this one of those female validation threads?

    Not like, a thread asking for advice?

    I need to know it dictates my response.
  • DebraYvonne
    DebraYvonne Posts: 632 Member
    that's quite the antiquated view of marriage he seems to have

    I agree with this.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    Just break up.


    annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd </thread>
  • Br4ndi
    Br4ndi Posts: 177
    just get back in the kitchen and make him a sammich

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