Motivation with an Unmotivated Spouse?

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  • rw4hawks
    rw4hawks Posts: 121 Member
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    You can only work on you. Your spouse would have to want it too. My husband does not work out nor is he overly worried about his nutrition. I have gotten him to walk the dogs with me on days he is off and we increase the distance usually once a week. He also has been tolerant of the new foods I am cooking.

    Concentrate on yourself and like the poster said before maybe your husband will get into it after he sees the results on you.

    WELL SAID.
  • mgraner21
    mgraner21 Posts: 2
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    I do... but you might not like it. lol.

    I am the unmotivated spouse. Or, more accurately, I WAS the unmotivated spouse.

    As I slowly gained 30 pounds, my wife got up every morning at 5:45 and hit the gym before work. Early on, she asked me about going to the gym a few times and I blew her off like her husband did to you. I just didn't feel like going.

    But here's the thing... as I watched her get leaner, healthier, firmer, sexier, my pride started to finally kick in. I said, "I don't want to be known as her FAT husband" and so I finally got off my butt and started hitting the gym. It took a while, but her consistency and results finally inspired me.

    I think right now you just need to focus on doing this yourself. When you succeed, you will motivate him. Don't pester him - just say, "Do what you want to do." But silently use his apathy to motivate you. Think to yourself... "I'll show HIM!" and recognize that the more you do the more you'll inspire him and encourage him.

    Right now, my wife and I are at the gym every day. I'm usually arriving as she's leaving - I start work later than she does so I make sure the kids get off to school and then go. On the weekend we usually work out together. We're finally at the point where we motivate and support each other, which is definitely a great place to be.

    Hang in there... you have to take the lead and show him the way (not tell him the way, lol). It will be harder for you without his support until he gets on board, but that's the way it's going to be for a while. Feel free to add me as a friend - I'll try to offer you as much support as I can.
  • mgraner21
    mgraner21 Posts: 2
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    Great points made by all. I am experiencing the same situation here. Guess I just gotta worry about me and maybe he will tag along eventually! I just really hope he will stop smoking. I am almost completely smoke free, it's a hard nasty habit to break :(
  • sanndandi
    sanndandi Posts: 300 Member
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    i also have a spouse who is only just now starting to make baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. and guess what? i think it's just as another poster commented. he saw that i was committed and I was starting to lose weight. he goes to the gym with me but not always and that's ok. he doesn't complain (much) when i make healthier dinners. he is drinking more water and less soda. I know all these little things will add up over time. I wanna push him so hard sometimes when i see him mindlessly eating in front of the computer or when he is on the couch and i'm getting ready to walk the dog. I remind myself he's making progress. :) Eventually I am sure he will catch on and do the right things for himself. In the meantime, i keep on keeping on.
  • bradwwood
    bradwwood Posts: 371 Member
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    There is an old joke that I think of every time this topic comes up. And it is spot on...


    How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?






    ...

    ....



    .......


    Only 1, but the light bulb has to want to change.





    We are each our own light bulbs and we cant change others. No matter how hard we try. Frankly I think a lot of marriages end up in divorce over this. You just need to accept that your husband will make changes in his life as he is ready. You nagging him, or making comments/remarks, or anything like that, is only going to damage your relationship
  • princeliam
    princeliam Posts: 11
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    This was my problem for quite a while. It's hard when your spouse doesn't get inspired the way you do, doesn't get up in the morning the way you do, doesn't care about their health the way you do.

    But it's not up to them what YOU do.

    If they decide to bring home horrible snacks, don't fall for it. Look at those snacks and say, "oh, you can have all of those!"

    The biggest thing I learned from my spouse is that unhealthy urges are not something that someone else gives to you. The urges are inside you. When she brings home sweets, it's not her fault if I have some. It's my urge. The want to not exercise isn't because all she does is watch tv. That want is my own laziness, and I'm responsible for it.

    This story does have a happy ending. Just recently, my weight loss and muscle gain had become very apparent, and I commented on how much better I feel about myself and how I feel healthier. She decided to dedicate herself to being healthier. Not because I ever pressured her- but because she wanted to feel better about herself.

    The urge to do something healthy was inside her, and there was nothing I could have done to make it come earlier, any more than she could break my willpower.

    Stay strong! Green Lantern out!
  • sammniamii
    sammniamii Posts: 669 Member
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    Lead by example. Mine (dos hubbs) is the same way. He wanted to loose the weight, went to the gym..... he was one of those who could eat anything (had to eat 4000 cals a day to keep weight on) then BAM - one day his thyroid went to heck. He gained 45 pounds and got... well, lazy.

    He's better now, but still doesn't want to do anything to try to loose the weight he gained. He loves that I'm holding strong and loosing, but doesn't care about himself. I can't get him to the gym, he still eats crap and horribly (unless I am around or cooking) so I am hoping that once I get down closer to my goal weight and he realizes that I can....

    1) bench press him
    2) tackle him and he can't escape
    3) run and not be exhausted
    4) do the yard work and barely break a sweat

    I love him, but he's a stubborn mule at times and he'll come around at his own pace. He finally managed to stop smoking real ciggys (he uses an electric one) by himself, so one day when he's tired of being tired, out of shape and left in the dust by his wifey, he'll get on the wagon.

    Maybe.... yours is the same way.

    Do this for you first, but start making changes around you - no junk food. Drink water. Make him buy his own junk food/soda. Start... well, working out in front of him. I'm the gamer in my unit - he :love: watching me play my "zumba" game. There has to be something you can think of that will start him chaging, it's just a matter of time and effort till you stumble upon it.

    Good luck!
  • chulie
    chulie Posts: 282
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    I have a hubby who doesn't work out and does not watch what he eats at all...he drinks pop every night for dinner and has no interest in losing weight........I am doing this for me...so his input has no effect on my outcome....He doesn't control my mouth or my drive. He is SUPER supportive of me and stopped buying junk and supports what I eat...he constantly tells me he's proud of my loss and is encouraging when I need to spend money on new clothes hahaha.....I love him to pieces and as long as we support eachother with whatever we do....I am ok if it's not the same thing....I think that's the big difference. It doesn't matter if you spouse is into working out...as long as they SUPPORT what you do...that's what matters!
  • nklunk
    nklunk Posts: 149 Member
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    My hubby does not workout or eat healthy. It does make it hard but it can be done. I sometimes make two different meals (sometimes 3 if my kid wont eat what we are having). He does watch our kid at night while I workout which helps but on the weekends I sometimes miss my workout cause he sleeps in and wont get up to help. Eating out is the worst for me cause he always wants to eat somewhere where it's hard to order healthy so we eat at home alot. You have to want to do it for yourself before you can do it. Find ways to push yourself!! Keep up the good work!!
  • dreilingda
    dreilingda Posts: 122 Member
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    I really don't understand guys like this. I got to about 30 pounds overweight and I couldn't stand it. When I started working hard to lose the weight, my wife told me I didn't have to worry about it because she loved me either way. I believe her but isn't it my responsibility to take care of myself so that I will still be attractive to her for our marriage? In fact I'd rather that she call me out on it. Who are these lazy *kitten* out there who don't care if their wife has to look at a fat slob everyday? If you really want to improve and are just struggling, that's one thing, but the guys who won't even try? Pathetic...
  • mercymarque
    mercymarque Posts: 450
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    I have an unmotivated husband... He recently joined the gym because our son was going. He goes to the gym most days but comes home and has a few drinks so everything he has done at the gym is for nothing. I do all the cooking so he eats good healthy meals. He leaves to early to work so I'm not sure what he eats for breakfast. As for lunch if there is anything left over, he has that. If not again I'm not sure what he eats. He snacks also. I try to keep nuts, fruits and 100 calorie snacks in the house but we have children and they are healthy and very active.

    I go to the gym because I want to be healthy and look good. I feel like if I do this and he sees my efforts, my achievements he will follow. He sees my accomplishments and ask me if I've gone to the gym if he's unsure. He's trying he's just not there yet. My advice would be to work on you and he will follow suit. It may not be in your time but in his. You have to find your motivation and stick with it. Eat as clean as possible (fresh fruits, veggies and whole grains), make healthy replacementss in the kitchen, drink plenty of water and limit other beverages, get plenty of rest and get out and move. Good luck!
  • Bean615
    Bean615 Posts: 132 Member
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    My boyfriend and I started this journey together. He lost weight and has gained it back over the past four years. I wake up every morning around 5:30 and go to the gym. i try to eat healthy and clean, however it was much easier when we were on the same page. He likes eating out, i like eating meals that are premade and from home. He wants to get back to the gym and back into shape, but hasn't. i tell him all the time it was easier with him. its easier with someone by your side pushing you and working together with you. it also was a fun little competition we had as well. i feel your pain, but you have to keep on doing what is best for you even with the added cheeseburger in your face. he will come around, and you just need to fight the temptations and added pressure from him to be bad!
  • praxisproject
    praxisproject Posts: 154 Member
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    If you can get him to not hinder you, that's really all you need :) You can do this :D
  • Slack2ShortGo
    Slack2ShortGo Posts: 74 Member
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    My advice will echo what most people have said to far.
    I wanted to lose weight for years but, my wife, who is only a few pounds overweight, did not. I kept using her as my excuse for not losing weight because she didn't want to do it with me. I finally got over it and started making small changes in my life. Eat fruit or veggies instead of fries. Or, grab a water from the fridge instead of a pop. Every little step is a step towards a healthier you. My wife and I still argue over what we are going to buy at the store and fix for supper. You can't worry about what your spouse is or isn't doing. Work on you. If I had figured that out years ago I wouldn't be overweight like I am now.
  • FattieBabs
    FattieBabs Posts: 542 Member
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    I can identify with the OP completely. It is so hard when my husband keeps tempting me with wine and drinks it in front of me when I try to abstain. I will have a really healthy day foodwise and then blow the cals by giving in and having some. The first time I refused I felt really proud of myself and am trying to hang on to that feeling. He is complimenting me now on how my body shape is changing and starting to have fun when cooking when I am on at him for the food quantities to put into the app. Then he wrecks it by saying, "right, how many cals do you have left, oh, you can have two glasses of wine then!" GRRRGH!


    Still, I WILL DO THIS!. The good news is, that on evenings on my own, I eat very sensibly and resist the wine in the fridge and feel a lot better for it....
  • AmberLynn0913
    AmberLynn0913 Posts: 1
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    I get where you're coming from. When I first starting working out and eating heathier to lose the weight, my husband was convinced that I was doing it so that I could leave him, which was never the case. I do high intense zumba 4 days a week and run 3 miles once a week. I have lost 28lbs and have become more confident in my body and have higher self esteem. I told him just the other day, after yet another arguement about me going to work out after work, that I'm doing this for me. I want him to fall in love with me all over again and we have a child that i want to be around to see grow up. I want to be able to run and play with him. He still isn't the most supportive or motivational person when it comes to my weight loss but he's getting better about.
  • Sul3i
    Sul3i Posts: 553 Member
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    My spouse is also unmotivated and about 100 lbs overweight and not interested at all in losing weight however hes always been this way so going into this I didn't have expectations that he would do it with me. He seems OK with himself however I was def not OK at all with how overweight I was. I started this for me I was getting results every week I had great supporters here and in life n I just kept going week after week never looking back! I never looked at how far I had to go was only super proud of every milestone I had achieved! U can do this u r worth it and u will love itself in the end for reaching it on ur own!!
  • beebee0925
    beebee0925 Posts: 472 Member
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    bump
  • ladioffaith
    ladioffaith Posts: 49
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    I'm single and Roomie and I have taken turns being the "unmotivated roommate."

    First Roomie was the one obsessed with losing weight. There would be a shopping trip with healthy foods. Since Roomie and I take turns buying groceries, with Roomie buying groceries in the first 2 weeks, and me buying at the end of the month, this would generally last 2-3 weeks, since I had no idea what to buy that would mesh well with my crazy work schedule and Roomie's "diet."

    I should probably mention that said platonic roommate is a guy, so any attempt to walk together was a disaster. Ever try to walk anywhere with somebody who is a foot taller than you, and yet you still outweigh him by about 50 pounds?

    Now I am the one who is focused on weight loss. I joined a gym and have started keeping track of my calories. Any time Roomie attempts to cook, I make a feeble attempt to adjust my portions. When he goes to the drive thru and asks if I want anything, my mind instantly goes to the options I've successfully entered in MFP. Then I discard the bun from the sandwich and enjoy a side salad in lieu of fries.

    I keep telling him about MFP but he blames his medication for making him lose weight, all while consuming twice as many calories as me.

    I guess the bottom line of this is that since we are both single people, we realize our motivation has to come from ourselves and not from other people.
  • TheRealJigsaw
    TheRealJigsaw Posts: 295 Member
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    Just....break up with him lol

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