Dating a morbidly obese person....
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As somebody who has lost their other half, if I were you I wouldn't date him. I would worry about him killing himself because of his weight and his lack of wanting to get healthy. In my eyes I'd be afraid of falling head over heels and then losing him to a heart attack. That's just me, and it's nothing against the guy.
This is pretty much what I was thinking. You're not being mean (it might feel that way) but if you enjoy talking to him then continue and tell him about the change you are doing. Just watch him and if he is trying to change then wonderful keep going with the relationship. If not then that is a time to part ways. He probably will say something like "It's my weight, huh?" Then that is when you can really explain that no it's not that it's because you are not trying to make yourself healthy. There will always be the arguement of you're trying to change him but this is really life or death. It is very hard to change your lifestyle when your partner is doing what they want. It is very hard for me to eat healthy when I see my husband eating fast food and sweets.0 -
I don't think a person gets to 300 or 500 pounds by having a healthy relationship with food. Just like two anorexcs (especially if one is just starting to get better and the other isn't even trying) will tend to fuel the unhealthy fire in each other, I would think it happens on the other end of the scale, as well.
Or even two alcoholics.
My advice is not to do this. Your own well-being is at stake and I doubt he will change just because you are changing.
Have to agree with this....
I do as well....you could end up hurting yourself.
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.0 -
500 pounds --
I would be worried about dating and becoming serious with someone who doesn't take their health seriously, because you could lose him early to health trouble.
He sounds like a sweetheart, though.
You could always encourage him to get "healthy" with you.
I don't have much advice, sorry for the lack of answer.0 -
In a way, I think it would be like two drug addicts hooking up. It becomes harder for either one of them to get clean and sober.0
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I don't think a person gets to 300 or 500 pounds by having a healthy relationship with food. Just like two anorexcs (especially if one is just starting to get better and the other isn't even trying) will tend to fuel the unhealthy fire in each other, I would think it happens on the other end of the scale, as well.
Or even two alcoholics.
My advice is not to do this. Your own well-being is at stake and I doubt he will change just because you are changing.
yep0 -
Open and Honest is the best way to be in any kind of relationship. If he doesn't support your decisions to eat the way you do, then you will know that it just isn't going to work, however maybe he will see all of your hard work and want to follow along and try to get healthy himself. Sometimes it takes another person to get people motivated. Maybe you could be his lifesaver!!! I say give it a go. True love is not easy to find, maybe he is your true love.....
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Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?
Thanks for the great advice! lol
^^ All you need to know.0 -
well, what do you guys have in common? Favorite food, music, movies, etc? If it's just the small things, then just stay friends, you're on a lifelong journey which should become a lifestyle. If he's not into the healthy aspects then he's not for you. Getting in shape and being healthy should be more than temporary, and if he's not interested, then he's not for you, because all he'll do is drag you down with him. If you look at food like a drug, which a lot of people do, or in my case ciggarettes. I have a hard time quitting, not because I can't, like mark Twain says, " I have no problems quitting, I've done it a thousand times." But because as soon as I get around smokers, the smell makes my brain want that nicotine. Same for food, if you're sitting there eating a chicken breast and veggies, and he's eating a pizza, the smell will make you crave the fat, cheesy goodness. lol Drug addicts, ie food addicts have a tendency to bring the people around them down with them. So, if you're serious about the healthy lifestyle, then he's not for you. However, I'm available. : )0
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Here is my question...do you want to take care of him if he puts on another 50 or 100 pounds? When I met my wife I explained that I had chonic illnesses that may put me in the hospital a week at a time. If you don't want that in your life, I understand. If you are not happy your health will suffer. Look at the number of posts where people are upset their significant other is not supportive and the problems it causes. Can you do what you want for your health if these things happen?0
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I think this decision has to be all about you. *IF* you think that you can stay on your diet around someone who is eating a lot and have food in your face all the time then it's no problem. I know I would get derailed, but you may be strong enough to turn the food down. It would be like a recovering heroin addict dating a dealer. It just wouldn't work.
Keep in mind that any kind of active life together is unlikely. At the weight you described minimal exercise is going to be painful for him and 'dates' will be sedentary. I know that would be the opposite of the kind of relationship that I need right now, that might not be the case for you.
Length of life. Unless he actively starts working on his health and his weight he will die of an obesity related disease sooner rather than later. Is this something you can deal with?
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't date him, just think it through. At this point in your weight loss journey is a relationship with this person a good thing for you?0 -
I would steer clear of this relationship. If/when he makes steps to get healthier, you could rethink it, but if you are on a healthy path right now, I can't see anything good coming of hooking up with someone who is not interested in it. You can't save the world. Take care of you, first.0
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Honesty is the best policy. Tell him how you feel and from there.0
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just break up \m/
^This0 -
I would make it very clear to him that although you love hanging out and have lots in common, you are worried about his health. All sexiness aside, just the health risks he is facing makes him an iffy choice for your future. Maybe if he hears how much you really do like him, but that you're worried simply because of weight, he would choose to start losing weight with you. I sure would, if I faced losing someone because of it.
I'm glad you found someone awesome though, that is rare enough in itself!!0 -
Just be honest with him about your lifestyle, and let him know that becoming fit and healthy is your priority and see how he acts.0
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all joking aside, you're talking about dating someone.....not marrying, dating....there is a chance that something decent could come out of this.....so it really depends on if you're willing to take a chance or if you two can come to some kind of agreement.....just like any other relationship \m/0
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I agree with those who said to be honest with him upfront about how you feel. You will have to stay alert about what he wants to do and if it aligns with your goals of leading a healthy life style. If it doesn't then you will have to be strong to make a decision from there.
Good luck!0 -
Ok, I've been single for about 6 months and recently, an old acquaintance from high school told me I should really start talking to her friend, we will call him Jim. She says he is her best friend, that he is the sweetest guy ever and that alot of girls won't talk to them because they are shallow because he is a big boy but he treats the person he is with like a queen. Now generally, all the men I have dated have been "big boys" I prefer a bigger man. So I didn't really think anything of it, and who am I to judge? I weigh 308 lbs....
So I thought, what is there to lose and him and I started texting each other. Him and I have a TON of stuff in common and I can tell that he is a super sweet guy. (after dating complete @ssholes it was very refreshing) We became friends on facebook and he is not what I expected. He weighs I would guess around 500 lbs. He has a really cute face (haven't we all heard that one before, i feel ashamed for saying it), . I asked my friend from high school if he was trying to lose weight or get healthy and she said he was not and she was worried about his health.
I want to state that I am far from a superficial person, but I do worry about getting involved with him, especially at the point I am in my life, trying to get healthy and lose this weight. I feel like he might be hinder to my success. I know I must have self control and be around people that eat unhealthy things and still make the right choice, but it would definitely make it harder. Also, when I get to a healthy weight, I want to go out and do all the things I couldn't do, like roller coasters, and vacations and I want someone who can share that with me.
Another thing I thought of is that perhaps if him and I started talking more, he might see the changes I have made and want to get involved in trying to work out, but I know to not hold my breath. People have to make their own decision on when the right time is for them to make a change and get to where they want to be. But I would much rather date a heavy nice guy, than a mean skinny guy any day.
I need advice!
i doubt it would hinder you,, in fact you may MOTIVATE him to do something about his own weight!0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!0 -
Alli,
I can only speak for myself, but I can say that before I began to lose my weight and really take control of my life, I was a very unhappy person - miserable on the inside and outside. And to me, its not so much about his physical weight, it's what's happening on the inside to make him so unhappy. Being morbidly obese will create many health (physical and mentally) that he needs to address before getting into a relationship with someone.
And I agree with you, that you are on a track to better physical health and you need to continue that. And there is nothing wrong with aligning yourself with someone who is working to better themselves mentally and physical. Overall, the health issue is not about his physical appearance - it's about what's happening inside of him - and how that needs to be healthy before he seeks a relationship.
Perry0 -
I would never consider dating someone who is morbidly obese, and it is truly not about the aesthetic factor, at least not primarily. I was once right on the edge of being "morbidly obese" (250 lbs on a 5 ft frame), and I did not figure out until I lost all the extra weight that I had some psychological issues that were causing me to hide myself behind food and baggy clothing.
When I lost the weight, I came alive. I am a different person now than I was then. Sure, I was nice and sweet and a good friend and girlfriend back then, but it was all an act. I was not happy. I didn't like myself. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted out of life. I am mentally and emotionally capable of being in a stable, adult relationship now. I wasn't before, and I didn't even realize it.
It's one thing to be carrying 20 or 30 extra pounds. That becomes all to easy to do when you reach a certain age and stop being intentionally active. But being 300 pounds overweight is not about lack of activity. It's about burying yourself in food to avoid dealing with your problems. It's not healthy for him, and it certainly isn't healthy for you. He doesn't need a girlfriend right now; he needs a friend who believes in him enough to encourage him to change his life. You can be that friend. Or you can be the pseudo girlfriend who agrees to date him and becomes gradually angry with him for being the way he is. You're already worried about how his lifestyle might affect yours (and you should be). That alone is enough reason to approach this platonically, for now.0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
I agree that what's on the inside counts more than anything. But there is a reason drug addicts and alcoholics in recovery are told to:
1. Stay away from other addicts and
2. Not get into a relationship for an entire year of sobriety.
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
I agree that what's on the inside counts more than anything. But there is a reason drug addicts and alcoholics in recovery are told to:
1. Stay away from other addicts and
2. Not get into a relationship for an entire year of sobriety.
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.
I have to agree with this. When I was in a relationship, my ex would say he wanted to eat healthy. Force me to do all the meal planning and preparation. Then, eat behind my back, and constantly hound me about succumbing to temptation when we were together. Many and much arguments insued.
When you are in a relationship, you have to be on the same page about certain things. Even though she is only talking about dating this guy, she sounds like she could be interested in more. Therefore, she needs to be sure that they are on the same page about lifestyle choices before things blossom.
OP... I originally thought that you had already dated this guy, but now I realize that you are pondering if you should. Give the guy a chance. Go out on a date with him and find out what he is really all about. Don't just rely on second-hand information to form your opinions of him.0 -
Here's my $.02
Be friends with him, talk to him, get to know him, even go on a date or two or twelve with him. Causally mention your goals to lose weight and live the "roller-coasting vacation" life you've always dreamed of and how you plan to achieve those goals. One thing you don't want to do is try to "convince" him to join you by constantly saying "MFP this or MFP that or I just ate a single peanut...I MUST log it!!!"
IF he thinks you're trying to change him by bringing your weight loss up all the time, then he's going to resist. Occasionally mention something, but let the results speak for themselves, he will notice and it will be his idea to follow suit. It has to be his idea and he has to be the one to be serious about it, you can't and won't change him.
Just because you're friends with him or dating him doesn't mean you're going to marry him or spend the rest of your life with him. This is the part where you two see if you even want to take the next step, make it more of a commitment.
Take it slow, continue to do what you need to do to be healthy and what works for you....when he sees your dedication and your results with real food and real exercise, then he will have an example to follow, but for the time being, enjoy him for who he is and how you two get along together.0 -
This isn't about a good guy or bad guy or physical appearance. It's about a woman with an addiction trying to become sober and there is a very good chance this guy could hinder her efforts because they share the same addiction.
In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.0 -
I would never consider dating someone who is morbidly obese, and it is truly not about the aesthetic factor, at least not primarily.
Funny thing about this statement...the perception of what you have and others differs on what is and is not "morbidly" obese.
All things said, if you are searching for a connection that is greater than primal vision, roll with it. But let him know, you want the opportunity for the relationship to last until your 150. And if that is going to happen, overall health is a major factor.0 -
Just be open and honest....that's what we all desire out of any relationship anyway, right? Voice your concerns, good and bad. He can only (SHOULD only) respect you for having even given it the thorough thoughts and concerns you have already. You can point out that you're over-weight and are needing support to succeed, can he give this support to you. Since it's so early, tow things can happen, either he says yes, he'd like to get healthy too and you guys do this journey together, or he says he's happy with himself and not wanting to change. At that point, the choice is your's to make.
Good luck! I certainly do not envy you. I met and married a healthy guy when I was 185 and after 6 yrs of marriage ballooned up to 206 and he up to almost 195. We started eating right in March of this yr and he's 150 and I'm 173.
Just remember, the right guy for YOU is out there, the one that will support YOU. If it's not this guy, better to move on before anyone gets really hurt and then you can focus on YOU!
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In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.
Puhhh-lease. Didn't you say yourself if you were morbidly obese you would expect no one to play with your hang-down? Is that not prejudice?0 -
In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"
Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.
Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.
This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.
Puhhh-lease. Didn't you say yourself if you were morbidly obese you would expect no one to play with your hang-down? Is that not prejudice?
Based on the responses from this thread....
Attraction is important. I understand that. So is physical attraction and there is nothing wrong with having a preference.
However, if you simply write off someone based on assumptions of what they might do based on negative and incomplete information when you are attracted to them what else would you say the decision is going to be based on?0 -
These forums never cease to amaze me.
I have literally seen dozens of threads where people swear black and blue that it is whats on the inside that counts, looks or weight aren't that important yada yada yada but despite this seemingly being a good guy with a great personality he is getting written off even without a single date. It seems what you eat is very. very important.
If I ever find myself morbidly obese and single I am writing off the possibility of getting my trouser snake charmed indefinitely!
lol at the last part0
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