Need some advice please!

Options
dmc415
dmc415 Posts: 4
in Health and Weight Loss
Hello all,

My girlfriend is an extreeemely picky eater and trying to get her to eat vegetables (or anything healthy for that matter) is a chore. She has gained about 50 pounds within the last 15 months or so and I calculated her calories out for her, she eats almost 2900 calories a day! (She is about 5'6, 187lbs) Most of the time it is less but it ranges between 2400-2900. And on top of it all, she does not exercise, at all. She won't even go for a walk with me. I've been trying to explain all of this to her, even shock treatment with the calorie amount, but she just gets depressed about her weight and won't do anything about it, despite my motivation or advice. I'm just not sure how else to do this or to get someone like her even halfway motivated. She's scared to death of change, even changing what she eats, but hates how her body looks now and complains about it constantly, and frankly as much as I love her, I'm getting sick of it. Anyone have any advice or had to deal with someone like this before?
«1

Replies

  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
    Options
    You cannot make her adapt to your diet wishes. In fact, your constantly pointing out her calorie intake to her probably makes her feel worse about herself.

    Tell her that you are there to support her, that you find her attractive and love her at any weight, and let her make her own decisions. That is the only thing you can do.
  • amann1976
    amann1976 Posts: 742 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her
  • RDawn7
    RDawn7 Posts: 38
    Options
    You have to just love her as she is, nagging her is not helping.
  • AntWrig
    AntWrig Posts: 2,273 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her
    I had to read this twice, because I thought it was a joke, but this is correct.
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

    WHAT?? ^ this is absurd. (the first part anyway...)

    Anyway.. You cant force her to change, so unless you are willing to just stick with her and hope she changes on her own, and that may never happen then you better just break it off now!

    Good luck!
  • blwalton70
    blwalton70 Posts: 71 Member
    Options
    As a woman myself, what I think would get her attention is to just do what you need to do. Follow your work out routines and count your calories. Make healthier lifestyle changes on your own and eventually she will come around on her own because she will see how heathly and happy you are doing what your doing. Speaking from experience: women know when they are fat, women notice when they aren't healthy and lastly, women don't want to hear from anyone else what they need to do to fix it. You just do you and she just might follow. Give her a kiss before you go out on a walk and don't ask her to go with you anymore and don't count her cals for her either.... one day you might find her asking you questions about MFP or she might ask you to go on a walk. Be patient.....
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her
    I had to read this twice, because I thought it was a joke, but this is correct.
    No it is not correct. The implication is that women don't have trouble dating. That is a ridiculous statement. Women have just as much trouble as men.
  • vintagesquirrel
    vintagesquirrel Posts: 190
    Options
    I'm in the same boat with my boyfriend. He has gained dramatic weight over the last year, while I have lost dramatic weight. He has told me that he feels disgusting and he hates his body, especially since I have gotten so much thinner. I will always love him, no matter what he looks like, but I worry about his health. He constantly eats out with his friends and he will hardly look at a vegetable let alone eat one.

    All I am doing is offering my support, my suggestions (very gently), and I am actually getting him a FitBit like mine as part of his Christmas present for extra motivation.

    Don't make her think she's ugly because she's gained weight. Support her, love her, and gently nudge her from a health perspective. Plan dates where walking or other forms of physical activity is a part of it.

    Maybe cook her dinner every once and awhile, and just make sure it is lean meats, vegetables etc... Be sneaky and lead by example. We women, we're sensitive creatures.
  • Menecairiel
    Menecairiel Posts: 164 Member
    Options
    As a woman myself, what I think would get her attention is to just do what you need to do. Follow your work out routines and count your calories. Make healthier lifestyle changes on your own and eventually she will come around on her own because she will see how heathly and happy you are doing what your doing. Speaking from experience: women know when they are fat, women notice when they aren't healthy and lastly, women don't want to hear from anyone else what they need to do to fix it. You just do you and she just might follow. Give her a kiss before you go out on a walk and don't ask her to go with you anymore and don't count her cals for her either.... one day you might find her asking you questions about MFP or she might ask you to go on a walk. Be patient.....

    I agree with this. You follow what you want, and do it. But let her come around at her own time. If she complains about her weight, you can say that there's ways of changing that, but don't elaborate. She will get the message eventually, but she has to make the decision.
  • OnyxPenguin82
    OnyxPenguin82 Posts: 10
    Options
    Go grocery shopping together! Make healthy dinners together! Park farther away when you go places, and walk together. Support her! She will come around. Let her know you love her and that you want her to be around for a long time! Get her to try different food items. Set little goals for her, like maybe eating under a certain amount of calories per meal...per day... per week etc.
  • riotshows
    riotshows Posts: 32
    Options
    It has been my experience that husbands and boyfriends that try to direct their wives or girlfriends eating and exercise routines get
    the opposite of what they are hoping to accomplish. It will not make her feel good about herself and she will feel that you are not
    attracted to her...hence..do not really love her. She will get depressed and eat more. She will get larger and she now will feel aweful.

    She cannot lose the weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle for you....she must do it for herself. If you are not attracted to her..let her
    go, you would be doing her a huge favor.
  • RobynLB
    RobynLB Posts: 617 Member
    Options
    Break up.

    Sounds like that's where you're headed. She's not happy with herself, you're not happy, this isn't just about food or weight or lifestyle, you are spinning your wheels.
  • PJilly
    PJilly Posts: 21,737 Member
    Options
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    You can't change someone else. Love and accept her the way she is. If you can't do that, move on.
  • SideSteel
    SideSteel Posts: 11,068 Member
    Options
    IMO: Leave or get over it.
  • stbrad6896
    stbrad6896 Posts: 135
    Options
    All you can really do is lead by example. Show her the healthy way you eat, don't eat crap food with her or you'll only encourage it. If she wants ice cream let her eat it herself... try to find ways to cook so that you can slowly introduce some veggies. Does she like ANY? because you could find more meals that include what she does like, then slip in small amounts of new things here and there. Vegetables really are an acquired taste and your taste buds are constanly changing. I used to be a very picky eater as well but I forced myself to learn to like vegetables and salads and now I love them! Same thing goes with exercise - you can only do it yourself and hope she sees your hard work paying off and decides to join in. Maybe you could try to get her to walk with you as a sort of "romantic" or quality time type of thing. Pack a little picnic with fruits/cheese/nuts and walk to a park or a clearing? I don't know that might not be your thing but if you can make it more exciting and less like exercise maybe she'll be more open to it. I don't particulary LIKE to exercise either (though I do feel GREAT afterwards....) so a lot of times I do wii fit because it's fun! Zumba classes are really fun to. If she had a girlfriend to go with her they could have lots of fun and it's a great workout..... I feel your pain though. My boyfriend complains all the time about his shape/health and he eats like crap and doesn't do anything about it... so all I can do is lead by example. But I do all the grocery shopping so in a way I force him to eat relatively healthy @home lol. good luck!
  • boatsie77
    boatsie77 Posts: 480 Member
    Options
    In this scenario she doesn't have the problem--YOU do. You've given her the information she needs to find her way to get healthy, you've offered to support her should she decide to take that road. She's well aware of what she's doing to herself--the last thing she needs is someone she loves hounding her to get healthy. If she makes this change 'for you' she more likely than not will be setting herself up for failure. When she is ready to stop suffering, she will take steps to get healthy and will appreciate your help and support. It's possible that may not happen for sometime--or ever.

    What you need to do is some soul-searching to see if you are willing to stand by her side no matter what. If staying with her is bringing you down and causing you to resent her (and give her grief about her weight and eating habits), then you are both better off on your own. But if you truly love and care for the person she is deep down inside, you'll stay with her and just work on your own health and wait for the day she decides to do the same (if ever).

    In reality, she doesn't have a 'food issue,' she has some deep pain that she is trying to comfort with food--so badgering her about her eating habits is only adding to the pain. Maybe you have an idea about why she is using food as a drug--and it's not because she gets depressed over being fat (that's the symptom, not the cause). If you know what problems she's going through, it would be better to help her through that, and once those things are sorted out, she'd be more able to cope with life without using food to push away the pain.

    I pray that you both find the answers that will make your lives joyous and peaceful soon.

    PS: There are thousands of women who would die for the chance of having a supportive partner/spouse during their efforts to a healthy lifestyle--for this I commend you--but the keyword is 'support' and that is a very fine line to walk.
  • Retiredmom72
    Retiredmom72 Posts: 538 Member
    Options
    I am glad you care enough about her to seek advice, but you can't make her want it. You have to concentrate on you. It is a doubled-edged sword. As you get healthier, she will probably get more depressed. You have to stay strong.

    Here is my advice. Tell her that you are going to stop making suggestions about her weight, but because you care you want her to be happy and healthy. My daughter actually told me something like, "Mom, I love you and just want you to be around as long as possible. If you want to join mfp, I will help you set up an account."

    Don't give up on her yet.
  • Sarauk2sf
    Sarauk2sf Posts: 28,072 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

    lolwut?

    Also, you probably missed it, but the OP is a female - I doubt her GF wants a line of dudes lining up!
  • xcureanddisease
    xcureanddisease Posts: 7
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

    This is the worst advice or statement i've read my entire time on this website... YES it is just as hard for a woman to find a date. I can prove that with numbers.. I was 1 of the 60 or so employees at a dating company named PLENTY OF FISH and let me tell you, its rough for both, equally.

    Anyways, yea dont nag her. She will come around, just as I did.
  • Cranktastic
    Cranktastic Posts: 1,517 Member
    Options
    unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

    lolwut?

    Also, you probably missed it, but the OP is a female - I doubt her GF wants a line of dudes lining up!

    heh

Categories