Just need to vent! :(
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During my divorce, we were both instructed NOT to say anything negative about the other and how harmful it can be to the children when parents do this. In fact, this language was part of the support agreement. I hope he wises up and realizes it will hurt your child more than you.0
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I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.
Absolutely! And stop giving him the power to make you miserable! YOU control your own happiness...if you let him control it, you are giving him power!0 -
divorce is NEVER good for the children.
Statements like this upset me. I am from a divorced home - I was an adult when my parents divorced so their divorce never impacted me the way it could have however; I watched 2 of my younger brothers who were 8 and 16 go through it and honestly... they are far far better at expessing their feelings than I am. My biological father didn't have anything to do with them after the divorce (his choice - he had access when he wanted it) but my mother never once and still doesn't talk about him in a negative way in front of us. Infact when I start saying something about my strong dislike for the man she stops me and we are all adults now.
I think in some situations divorce is GOOD for the children, had my parents stayed together my 2 younger brothers would have grown up in a very volitile and angry household like I did. and let me tell you something... growing up in a volitile house only makes you angry.
OP - Limiting interaction with him is probably your best option if it is possible. IF there are lawyers involved have the lawyers do the talking, if its mediation have the mediator do the talking. He is saying hurtful things to you to stir the pot and make you upset/angry/hurt.
also express to him that if he brings your past up to your son it may hurt him. No parent should ever want to hurt their child - even if it is to get back at an ex.0 -
You may not be able to control if your son hears about your past but you can control how he hears about it. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. You tell your son about it. You can explain it in away that won't make it as bad. The reasons behind the behavior etc. Your ex will not do that. He will just try to make you look bad. Let him know how ashamed you are about, but it is part of who you are and what made you into the wonderful person you are now. Above all, let your son know how much you love him and how he is absolutely the best thing that ever happened in your life. Let him know you are proud of him. More than likely you will cry when you are telling him. And that is not a bad thing. Probability is it will not change his opinion of you as his mother one single bit.0
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There is and it's UP! It's in the past... way past and is over and done with. Who cares anymore... it played a part in who you are today. I don't care how bad the thing was you did.... Ha, we have ALL got those things in our closet.
I'm sure your mom used to say to you... Ignore it, pretend it doesn't bother you no matter how much it does. If he thinks he can't get to you, maybe he'll give up.
If you are a good mom and love your son, your son knows it. It doesn' matter what his Dad tells him as much as you don't want him to hear it. Who knows... maybe the *kitten* really wouldn't say anything to him.
My brother is in a similar situation, his ex has told his girls so much crap about him... alot of it lies. They never believed any of it. They kept there mouth shut to their wacko mom and let her spew lies about their dad but in the end, when they chose to live with him and can't hardly stomach the ground she walks on. They could see through it but more importantly... there Dad was an awsome Dad... Now they are grown with children and his grand kids love him to death and don't even know their grandmother. (who is still a wack job).
Rise above it, let him destroy himself.
Wishing you all the best!0 -
Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
BEST ADVICE0 -
I think you should tell your son about your past yourself. Then the ex won't have ANYTHING to hold over your head. When talking to your son, include how mistakes affected you, what you learned from them and how you've gotten past these things.
This is exactly what I was going to say. There are things in everyone's past that we probably aren't proud of. Personally, I plan to share those mistakes and how I grew from them with my children. I'm already talking to my step-daughter about some of it. I think it's important to be open and honest with your children. I think your son will respect YOU more for doing so, for being upfront and not having secrets. You unfortunately can't control the things your ex says and does, but you CAN control how you react. I hope your ex realizes that he is only hurting your son and things get better soon!
Your ex is being hurtful, because he still hurts! One of the best ways to take the power away from him, is to tell you son yourself. Your story, your terms, your facts. Someone has to protect your son, it might as well be you! Hugs for getting through it!!!0 -
OK, you've vented and now time for action and I advise you to take a deep breath and do nothing. If he starts take a deep breath and smile sweetly and say "If that is what you think is best for our son, then thank you for informing me."
My X was a real piece of work and my solicitor advised this and she was right, he got so mad he couldn't sting a sentence together BUT that's because I took away his power over me and not because he was mad with our child.0 -
If you tell your son yourself then you have taken the wind out of your ex's sails. Honesty is the best policy. I have told my kids everything good and bad I have done and used it as a learning experience for them. This basically applies to both my 16 and 13 year olds. The younger ones wouldnt understand anyway. Seeing that I am human, I've made mistakes, I've grown up, and I am a responsible adult makes my children see life a little more realistically. That said, my kids tell me everything. We have a very open line of communication and I know it stems from my openness with them. I would also recommend limiting conversation with your ex over anything that doesnt directly involve your son. If that doesnt work, then I would let your lawyers handle all communication. It gets expensive after awhile but in highly tense situations it can help.0
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Take it from experience, divorce is NEVER good for the children. No matter how much people try to justify.
Pfffttt. Hogwash.
My parents divorced when I was 4 - I was grateful, even at that age.
Watching and being the victim of abuse is worse than divorce.
Anyway, moving on.
OP - LIMIT your interactions with your ex. No more talking/ listening at drop offs. Ignore all attempts of his to talk, email, text etc unless it directly relates to arrangements for your son. And even then keep it brief and 100% focussed on arrangements.
If you can't control yourself and have to answer back or have trouble deleting his messages or walking away then get counselling until you can.
Also, when/ if your son starts repeating the nasty stuff he hears you'll need to learn how to shrug and casually defend yourself.
Never allow the abuse to go unanswered but don't overreact. Just roll your eyes and say something along the lines of 'Doesn't your dad have better things to talk about than me?" But act like it's all beneath you.
Because it is.
This is the best advice I have seen/heard. She's obviously a smartie, listen to her!!!
I agree!0 -
You're divorced. I'm glad, he sounds like a total jerk and horrible father. You only have to talk to him in regards to your child right? Not you. If he brings you up, don't talk to him! Tell him you are talking to him about _______, you want to resolve the plans or whatever and end the conversation! We only get taken advantage of, if we let someone. The same applies here. Just don't let him abuse you this way. If you can't do that on your own, go for counseling. Eventually he will get over himself.
None of us are perfect, you've learned from your mistakes. Raise your son the best that you can, love him, guide him and avoid drama at all costs for him. Even if he does hear about your mistakes, he will know he is loved!
Also, if your ex is blackmailing you to get what he wants, even if it's for your child, it's probably illegal.0 -
An abusive person is never fun to deal with; been there done that. Lots of people can only be satisfied with them by tearing others down and the closer they are to us the more harmful it can be. Let it go. You have turned from your former ways. Most abusive people bark louder than they bite. He holds these things over your head because he knows he can intimidate you. You are the only one that can stop him. And Jesus is the only One who can wash us white as snow. He saves...from all our past, present and future.0
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Oh I am so sorry for what you are going through! Look at it this way...for him to keep trying to make you feel bad about yourself, is probably only because he knows you are a better person than him and this is the only way he has an even playing field. He sounds like a bully and a very insecure person. Don't let his harsh words deminish the good person that you are. We all make mistakes, so let's just learn from them and keep it moving! Don't let him steal your power...you're better than that! Good luck to you with your divorce and just know that this will pass and life will get much better for you once he gets on with his life! Been there, done that!0
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Been there! Still there! The relationship I have with my children they know who I am and who I stand for now. God! Have a good communication with your child and tell him we all make mistakes, but that is the past. Don't let that man see you sweat. He is a Lion feeding off your fear. You worrying and doing things to try to prevent him from being evil wont work. Just be yourself. Don't fight evil with evil. Forgive yourself for your past and focus on the new you. When people bring up your past ask them how will it help them by talking about. If it wont help them then ask them why are they bring it up lets talk about you. Flip that thing back onto their lives. Let them talk about themselves. As far as your son he is old enough to where you can use it as a teachable moment and say don't do this or that. Give him reason why it is wrong. Include his future girlfriend as far as if you date a women that do.... this is what you can expect. You can do all this and leave your name out. That way he can see how you feel about it now and that you know it is wrong. When your spouse bring it up and name you. Just talk to your son calm. Stand BOLD, Stand STRONG, and love your son unconditional. There are going to be some hard times before all this is over, but you will get through it. Only thing that is getting me through is my children know what their dad is all about. He treat the step children better then them. What ever you do, don't let this situation cause you to forget your weight goal and eating health. You will need your strength and think about how he will feel seeing you looking good and moving on with your life. Hang in there you are not alone.0
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Good morning ~ I've been dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex for the last few weeks. Actually, it's kind of been a recurring thing for a number of years. I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him. However, in the midst of all of this arguing and 'negotiating', he has clearly lost sight of the fact that this is all about our son. He is dredging up things from the ancient past (like 15 years ago - before I was even pregnant with out son!) and is just getting downright nasty and hurtful. I know that hurting me is exactly what he is trying to do - and boy, is he good at it! He takes the parts of my life that I am the most ashamed of, the parts that I regret the very most - and is using them against me - threatening to tell our son (only 13) "the whole truth" about my past (even though that has nothing to do with him or our current situation). Ouch. No one has ever been able to make me cry like that man does!
Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown:
Noone should have this amount of control on you, and i feel your pain. I really think you should consider sitting your son down and telling him about your past. Off course you have control on the amount of details u give to him.
I also think you ex is bluffing and is just doing this becasue it is hurting you soooo much. So you should sit your son down WITH your ex present and explain that there are things in your past that you are not proud and you can explain in 13 year old language. At 13 he is able to make a judgement for himself and no son wants to see his mom hurt and crying. I am also pretty sure that ur ex wont cut in and tell everything in the presence of your 13 year old son. And if he tries to intimidate you, and make you feel guilty, IGNORE HIM. The goal is to speak to your son, so that his dad does not compromise his views on you. It is best he hears it from you NOW. And you also dont want ur ex keeping this over your head for the rest of your life...... so please take my advise, talk to your son and let his dad know u're doing so as well. Your past is your PAST!.... The thing is you have changed and at 13 your son will value that of his mom.....
All the best
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Can I tell you something? My husband would never say anything to our son about the things in my life pre-our marriage that would embarrass me; however....I actually shared them with my son. There was a very clear reason I shared them with my son...I felt that he really needed to know that 1) I was human and made mistakes and 2) I wanted the best for him and didn't want him to repeat those mistakes. It was actually a wonderful sharing. Just me and my son; I think he was in 9th grade at the time. Did it embarrass me? Yes, devastating....do I think I made an impact on his life? Yes I do.....
I don't know what your husband is holding over you, but if you share it with your son in your own words...it really takes all the "fun" out of it for him. Do you know what I'm saying? Just think about it....
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I went through something similar when going through a divorce many years back (no kids, though). Two things helped me. First of all, after getting stressed out from a conversation with him I exercised (as opposed to drinking booze) - it really helped. After a while, when it got too much, I just stopped talking to him (second way of coping) and decided that if he had any communication with me, it would be through a lawyer or other mediator. I just did not have to take his crap - especially since I was not married to him anymore. It was quite abusive and I just refused to be abused anymore!
I know it was more expensive to use a lawyer for communication between us, but if he wanted to be an @ss, he was going to have to pay.0 -
I've been divorced for close to 6 years, and we were separated for about a year and a half before the divorce became final.
My ex was controlling and abusive, and my kids who ranged in age from about 8 to 12 at the time actually told me they were happy we got divorced. They were suffering terribly from our unhappy marriage.
As other posters have said, speak to your son. You don't have to tell him all the gory details of your past, but tell him enough to take the sting out. Your ex will no longer have that to hold over your head. I did it with my kids, and I never spoke badly about their father to them. They knew what and how he was from living with him, and also from meeting with a family counselor. You can have wording in your divorce prohibiting either party from speaking badly of the other, but in reality, there is no way of enforcing it.
My ex would tell the kids horrible things about me. Some things he said had some truth to them, others were out and out lies. By speaking directly to my kids, and being honest with them, they were able to draw their own conclusions, they saw how he was behaving and how I was behaving.
To this day, my ex still tries to control me. He is remarried and he and his ex wife have pretty much completely alienated my 2 sons. My daughter still tries very hard to have a relationship with her father and step-mother, but more often than not, she comes home miserable.
Do your best not to let your ex know how much he upsets you, take the control back from him. In the end, your son will see the truth of the situation, and your ex will be lucky if the boy wants anything to do with him at all.
Best of luck to you xo0 -
The Internet, may not be the best place to broadcast private marriage issues.0
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Beat him to the punch. That's what my mom did. Except she was worried about my step-dad telling me about the past. The past which he wasn't even a part of. But she told him and he threatened to tell me. She resolved that by telling me first. LOL!0
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