Boyfriend needs anger management, can someone relate?

im in on the angryman issue. been there for three years now, i even use the "star crossed lovers" often. it truly is the best way to describe it. It really depends on his severty but how i cope and this may or may not be healthy but give him what you get. just play role reversal and when he says " woah babe chill out" you can tell him that how you are behaving is how you see him when he is like that. i find that mine gets very concerned over his beahvior and that the anger is so powerful they dont see their own actions and once they do they try harder to find restraint. its a tiring process and well for all we know we'll never truly beable to control it. but we can always try to help and they can always try to help themselves. but what you have got to figure out is if you personally can handle him without the change if you can handle the next 5, 10, 50 years of him exactly the way he is now. if you cant seem to make a solid yes its time to walk. for you and for him. now take time on it. nothing says you have to say " woah i cant make a solid yes i can deal, i got to go now" . nothing should ever be handled hastily. so just keep it in the back of your head. you'll know what is right and when the right time is. best of luck

What's going to happen if you have kids? Is he going to flip out every time there is a toy on the floor. He would have a total cow at my house. Get up...pack your things...leave and don't look back. You have the power!

I agree with many of the posters above. In short....

RUN, RUN, as fast as you can......

It's not worth it, unless it's in HIS head to change, and he actually does so. You're seeing the signs, you're scared of what *could* happen, and it's not YOUR problem to fix.

Take a look at what you wrote:

I know he can't help his anger and that's why I give him so much slack

Listen to THOSE warning bells. Anger is a FEELING. It's up to the person feeling it to control themselves and behave properly. It's when they allow anger to justify their violence (yelling, throwing things, breaking things, "snapping") that it becomes a dangerous situation. You (nor anyone else) do NOT deserve that for your life.

Speaking from experience, if he doesn't get a handle on his anger it will only escalate. I'm sure you can look back to when you were first dating and see the progression of his anger. Maybe at first he wouldn't yell as much when awoken but now it seems like his fuse has gotten much shorter.

You have to decide if you're willing to take that chance that one day, he's going to lose enough control to become violent with you. It may not be striking you, but throwing things and breaking your stuff is also abusive. Then there is the emotional abuse that goes along with it.

I wouldn't stick around, but then again I promised myself I would never do that again.

I know he can't help his anger and that's why I give him so much slack but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he belongs to someone more like him.

That statement is a fallacy. We are all in control of our anger. If he's not, you need to get as far away as possible. Blowing up over little stuff as you've described is ridiculous and will only escalate. I've seen it in plenty of relationships and had it happen in my own.

You should RUN RUN RUN. No one should have to live with that.

The most important thing I want to know is have you had a serious, sit-down discussion with him, and NOT in the heat of the moment (i.e. right after a blow up)?

If you have, and he's not willing to change, then I agree with everyone else and it's probably best for you to get out while it's still early.

However, if you haven't (for any number of reasons), then do so immediately...have an intervention if you need to!

You started dating him for a reason, and you're still in love with him for a reason. That person is there, he's just losing himself in his anger. The same thing happened to my dad, a VERY angry person because of a series of traumatic events in his childhood that he never worked through. After enough of us told him again and again how his anger was hurting his relationships with us, he finally realized what he was doing to us and started on medication. I can't even tell you what a different person he is now, it's amazing!

All I'm saying is no one can blame you for wanting to make it work if you love him, but just leaving him without expressing all your feelings could make things much, much worse. Do what you feel is right!

I've been in your shoes. My ex-fiance had anger issues. When he was good... he was awesome... when something set him off... it was bad. I watched him beat one of my dogs because he got into the trash. And when I say BEAT... I mean BEAT. I loved him. I tried to take care of everything so that he didn't have a reason to "lose it". I tried not to make mistakes, I tried not to let the dogs get too loud. I would come home from work in the middle of the day to check and make sure that things were in order ... just to make sure it would be an ok night. I lived my life tip-toeing around... it was awful. But it's amazing what we can get used to.

I had begun to think about leaving when he broke it off. Boy am I glad that he did. I was so emotionally dependent on him by that point that I don't know that I would have had the courage to leave. But when I look back now, I KNOW that he would have been abusive to our children. I KNOW that my life would not be anything like it is now.

I'm not as easy going and laid back as I'd like to be.... I have a pretty tough temper now too. I have to guard myself all the time... because at any moment I could fly off the handle too. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect. But I am always on guard and when I yell or get angry - I am quick to back off and apologize. It doesn't take the words back... nor does it take away the hurt on the face of a loved one. The thing is, I blame no one else for my temper issues... my ex always found a way for it to be someone elses fault.

Happiness... true happiness is out there. Don't stay with someone who doesn't make you happy ALL the time or at least 95% of the time. Being happy only part of the time is not good enough. I married a man with the patience of a saint, who treats me like a Princess. He's a neat freak, I'm not. He's organized, I'm not. He doesn't expect me to be perfect and I think he is.... it's a match made in Heaven!

You have to do what's right for you... just remember, you leaving might be what it takes for him to get the help he needs.

Don't make excuses for him..he is a bog boy and can (learn) to control himself
Don't waste your time withe someone that needs to be fixed..plenty on non-functional fish in the sea

Good luck.....you're better than this

Kim

It's a tough situation for sure. I don't have any advice, but you have my full support - whatever you choose to do. And it sounds like a lot of others as well. Good luck!

Don't let the hand you hold, hold you down.

You deserve better.