Christmas with Exes?

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13

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  • WickedGarden
    WickedGarden Posts: 944 Member
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    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?

    Nope. This is the third one.

    Then I have to assume they invited her to this gathering since she recently lost her parents and has no other family nearby.

    They have been divorced for 3 years, yes?

    She needs to buck-up, put on her big girl panties-like you are.

    Go ahead and announce it when you planned to, 3 years is more than enough time for her to get over any type of hard feelings. You shouldn't have to 'walk on eggshells' because she is there.

    IMHO kinda weird for them to invite her if they didn't invite her in the previous years.
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
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    Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her? It's your celebration, your event, your family. If she can't be gracious while hearing that news, it's her problem. Once you're married, you're more in the family than she is. Despite the years they shared, he's married to you, not her. That's a big difference.

    ^^^^ THIS
  • cmpollard01
    cmpollard01 Posts: 246
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    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I agree. From the very beginning, my dad's parents made it a point to let my mom know she was still welcome at Christmas dinner. To them, she was still their daughter in law...now they just had an extra one. The first few years were rocky, but my mom, dad, and stepmom get along. It may sound mean, but who are we to say who gets invited to an event when it isn't in our own home? If something's slated to take place at my house and I don't want someone invited, I don't invite them. If I'm going to someone's home, I don't have the right to say who's there and who isn't.
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.

    The wonderful thing is that you are sensitive to her (his soon to be ex-wife), given that you were only 13 when they were married. It must hurt her still, to be replaced by one so young. You have a good heart.

    Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.

    My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.

    It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.
  • flobeedoodle
    flobeedoodle Posts: 176 Member
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    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died...
    This man, his family, and his ex all sound like a big ball of crazy. If I were you I would consider myself lucky that nothing was official yet, and just sever.
  • lovechicagobears
    lovechicagobears Posts: 289 Member
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    1) I get that they probably consider her family, but they should have asked your fiance first. It's his ex-wife, so he gets priority. That's water under the bridge, but his family should take him into consideration in the future.

    2) Are you planning to wear your ring? If you don't plan to announce it at Christmas, you're going to have to take your ring off. There's no way people won't notice.

    3) Personally, I'd announce it on Christmas. I think you're very kind for considering her feelings, but they've been over and done for three years, and she knows about you. If she freaks out, that's on her, not you.

    4) To the poster who mentioned the OP's age, stop being so judgmental. It's not like the OP is 17 and her fiance is 40. They're both mature adults.
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
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    Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?

    Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.

    My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.

    It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.

    I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.

    Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?

    Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.

    I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.

    My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.

    It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.

    I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.

    Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?

    It is a decision we made together - as a couple.
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
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    I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.

    True. You didn't. He left her after being married to her for 30 years and now he's with you, someone much younger. You're respecting her feelings by not wanting to announce your engagement in front of his family. I get that.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
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    Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?

    Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.

    I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.

    That's the problem with asking for advice on the internet. Things get so turned around..
  • Flamenquero
    Flamenquero Posts: 132
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    An announcement? Isn't that for kiddies who get married?

    Let's see he was married to her for 30 years. He's been married to you for zero years. Everybody appears to be 40 to 50-ish, and here we are whining and sniveling about announcements?

    LMAO! :laugh:
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.

    My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.

    It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.

    I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.

    Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?

    It is a decision we made together - as a couple.


    I was about to ask what HIS thoughts were in all of this....
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    4) To the poster who mentioned the OP's age, stop being so judgmental. It's not like the OP is 17 and her fiance is 40. They're both mature adults.

    Clearly, no one is judging the OP. She introduced his soon to be ex of 30 years. The OP is not old - she's in her 40s. If an observation is perceived by you as judgement, then your rationale is warped.

    BOT: I think that it is a pity that she s being minimised for the sake of the ex, who'd never received an invite to grace their Christmas get-togethers until now for the past 3 years during their separation. Family is family.. Surely someone knew the OP and her soon to be husband were getting serious. Fine line between consideration and the want for fireworks.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    It is a decision we made together - as a couple.

    Oh! Wow! That is rather finite. I'm really sorry.

    EDIT: [Exhale]
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    Thanks for letting my be snarky here. Venting here was much better than at venting at Christmas.
  • dodihere
    dodihere Posts: 490
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    ABSOLUTELY ANNOUNCE IT AT THE PARTY!.

    If they are rude enough to invite her, make sure you show the love enough to share with everyone regarding your engagement. If she feels the needs to come to an ex family event, that is what she gets.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.

    Sometimes people become family in more than just name. Even after the divorce, obviously the family still loves her, and she loves them.
  • aloranger7708
    aloranger7708 Posts: 422 Member
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    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I completely agree with this!!! Though I find it rude his family invited her without running it by you both.

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