I need some love :(

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2

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  • chocl8girl
    chocl8girl Posts: 1,968 Member
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    I really don't have much to say other than what has already been said, so here's this:

    hugbear.gif
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
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    OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.

    You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!

    Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.

    If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.

    Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there! :wink:

    WOW...nicely worded and generous to take the time to express such great advice.
  • slepygrl
    slepygrl Posts: 249 Member
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    I just spent the past 5 minutes crying my eyes out . I'm starting to learn that I know nothing about relationships. I think of myself as a really nice guy but I now know I've done my best friend wrong over the year by trying to control how she behaved when she went out and partied.... I know that sounds bad and I hate typing it. All I wanted was for nothing bad to happen for her. I did end up falling in love with her and she broke my heart and then rejected me but thats not the point. Its that.. everybody's different and I shouldn't of tried to have her behave the way I thought was right. I'm thankful that she has been really nice to me this past year

    I feel like an *kitten* :(

    What are things you're trying to control? I need an example or 2. What were the most common situations?
  • aeroback
    aeroback Posts: 66 Member
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    love sux but you will find it again, hang in there and think lessons learned. I have been where you were but now happily married with kids. getting to that point of total happiness on both ends can take a bit but as long as you are trying!
  • Amberonamission
    Amberonamission Posts: 836 Member
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    You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.

    You can't change anyone.
  • Amberonamission
    Amberonamission Posts: 836 Member
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    Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.

    Secondly, for the future, if a woman you're involved with is engaging in behavior you don't approve you better tell her right away. Establish your baselines right away. If they move out of line call them out on it. If they do it again, call them out in social settings. Happens even a 3rd time (which it shouldn't by now), then leave them.

    I've been in all kinds of relationships the past 10 years. And if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that being the uber nice guy and catering too much to a woman will lead to a ****ty relationship and a depressed state of mind (for the guy).

    I've known women worth crying over.
    Thank you for this :)
  • Susan_Rae_1
    Susan_Rae_1 Posts: 154 Member
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    OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.

    You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!

    Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.

    If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.

    Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there! :wink:

    That was some perfect advice. Very wise and thoughtful.
  • hendinerik
    hendinerik Posts: 287 Member
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    Sorry for what happened -- Seems like your intentions were good - the fact that you are reflecting on things to maybe handle things differently in the future is a good sign.

    Take a step back, go out for a walk and get some air. Regroup - maybe see a movie today.

    Then re-focus on you and what you can do for yourself to make yourself feel good again.
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
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    OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.

    You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!

    Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.

    If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.

    Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there! :wink:

    That was some perfect advice. Very wise and thoughtful.

    Agreed!

    Also, controlling behaviour is one red flag for potential abuse from a partner. This is a standard point that counsellors teach women, could be that's what she took it as, and decided to distance herself. Not saying you were going to abuse her, just letting you know that women look out for that as a big negative. If she can't exercise self-control in a public setting, which seems important to you, then try to find a woman who isn't a party girl. Seems like she got your attention alright, but things soured when you realized she wasnt toning things down once she snagged you.
  • m8605
    m8605 Posts: 102
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    .
  • m8605
    m8605 Posts: 102
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    You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.

    You can't change anyone.

    How dare you.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    what did you think was going to happen?? she was going to see the error of her ways, stop her partying and promiscuity, and then through herself into you arms?? forever be grateful to you?
  • sandradev1
    sandradev1 Posts: 786 Member
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    You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.

    You can't change anyone.

    How dare you.

    Do not get upset about that persons's post and take it as another lesson in life. People have the right to do and say whatever they choose, sometimes it may not be an nice or tactful as it could be. We are all individuals. If someone does something or says something to you that offends you or annoys you, you cannot change them. Best way to deal with it is ignore it or move away from it.

    Surround yourself with people who act or talk in ways in which you are comfortable with and just leave any others to get on with their own lives.

    You are being positive in accepting the more tactfully put advice and I am certain that you will learn greatly from this and has success in your future.
  • Amberonamission
    Amberonamission Posts: 836 Member
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    You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.

    You can't change anyone.

    How dare you.
    I am so sorry. I really was not trying to offend you. Maybe I read your first post wrong.
  • Amberonamission
    Amberonamission Posts: 836 Member
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    OK I reread it. Stand by what I posted. Find someone LIKE YOU.
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    Try not to mind the indignant posters - some of us are women who HAVE BEEN unintentionally screwed by the nice guy who was unhealthily trying to work their way into our pants. It becomes a source of frustration and anger. I, too, have this knee-jerk reaction when I read about "nice guys." It's just our experience working our way into seeing someone with your problem. It's not meant to hurt you.

    I have been the girl that various nice guys have tried to corral from bad behavior - both actual bad behavior and imagined bad behavior. All it did, in either instance, was piss me off. And when I did finally get away from the actual bad behavior, I realized what I needed was a friend, NOT a "white knight."

    Sounds like you got caught up in the white knight cycle. It's hard to find the line between that and being caring. Those of us with big hearts have to learn the hard way. I'm sorry that it had to happen in such a painful way for you.

    Those who are advising you to rethink your motives, to work on feeling good about yourself, etc are giving you good advice. Mistakes and overbearing actions can be forgiven if they do not repeat themselves - you are understanding that you need to change that about yourself. This is progress.

    You will be okay. If you can work on loving yourself through this (this means no self pity! No "guess I should just turn into an *kitten*"! No "women suck and I hate myself!") then you will become more confident and more able to discern when someone wants your help or not.

    Good luck to you.
  • m8605
    m8605 Posts: 102
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    OK I reread it. Stand by what I posted. Find someone LIKE YOU.

    Thats all I needed
  • m8605
    m8605 Posts: 102
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    You will be okay. If you can work on loving yourself through this (this means no self pity! No "guess I should just turn into an *kitten*"! No "women suck and I hate myself!") then you will become more confident and more able to discern when someone wants your help or not.

    Good luck to you.

    If anything this whole experience just makes me love people even more. We're all so different because of our emotions.
  • samantha1242
    samantha1242 Posts: 816 Member
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    I just spent the past 5 minutes crying my eyes out . I'm starting to learn that I know nothing about relationships. I think of myself as a really nice guy but I now know I've done my best friend wrong over the year by trying to control how she behaved when she went out and partied.... I know that sounds bad and I hate typing it. All I wanted was for nothing bad to happen for her. I did end up falling in love with her and she broke my heart and then rejected me but thats not the point. Its that.. everybody's different and I shouldn't of tried to have her behave the way I thought was right. I'm thankful that she has been really nice to me this past year

    I feel like an *kitten* :(

    I am sure you are a great guy and it sounds like you do care a lot about your friend! But, no one likes to be told what to do, how to behave, controlled etc (unless your name is Christian Grey, just saying). This may seem to you like you are just trying to protect her, but to her it may not seem like that. I think you are thinking in the right direction with understanding that you have tried to control her and now you can learn from your mistakes and try to keep a friendship (if you can and want to). I would suggest just letting her know you care and then distancing yourself to work on you (your goals, weight loss, whatever you want, etc). Everything we do is a learning experience, you can either take what you have learned and use it to better yourself, or beat yourself up. The first one sounds like a more positive outcome :)
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
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    I was married to a controlling person for 20 years. I'm out now and never going back. I will never ever go back into any type of relationship that even smells of control issues. You need to deal with your own demons and baggage before you can have attempt a healthy relationship with someone else. Good luck!!

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