Today i'm sad, holding in the tears as much as possible. :(

meaghan2008
meaghan2008 Posts: 401 Member
in Motivation and Support
Here's the story, when I was 17 , a freshman in college I came out to my parents. Meaning that I told them that I was a lesbian around this same time of year.Ever since I have came out to her , our relationship has gone way down hill, too the point were we don't even have conversation, it's just hi and bye how are you talk. I'm 22 now, and nothing has changed. That's my mother, and it really hurts. I've tried to talk to her, but nothing seems to help the relationship get better, so I just backed off and let her have her space and im allowing her to come to me. I was out christmas shopping with some friends and they were buying gifts for their family and loved ones and my friend asked me " what are you getting you mom for christmas?" I had to fake it and say , " I don't know what she wants, maybe a necklace". , knowing that I was lying, I didn't want to break down in the middle of the store and look like a punk when all spirits are high and merry.

I just wish that there was something I could do to allow her to understand that I'm still her little happy, bubbly, jolly, laughing, sweetest nina she knew before I came out, I just like women. I feel as though I have no support, I just do things by myself. & I would like to have that support.

:frown: :frown: :frown: :brokenheart: :sad:
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Replies

  • angeliqueann
    angeliqueann Posts: 213 Member
    girl don't worry. she will come around. If you had a great relationship with your mother before she found that out, most likely she will. for now, just keep doing what you are doing and talk to her as regular as possible. Just be there. As long as you did your part, Your mother should see that you are still the same person. =D
  • BamsieEkhaya
    BamsieEkhaya Posts: 657 Member
    aww bubbie...I don't really know what to say but keep being yourself and just let her get used to it, but bless you (sorry *kitten* at advice - I know)
  • StephCoff1969
    StephCoff1969 Posts: 357
    Sweetie, I know that right now it seems impossible, but whatever happens you need to remember one thing.. You are beautiful as you are and need to just give her time.. I don't know if she will change her mind or not, but choose to be happy.. Does this make sense???

    My youngest daughter came out about a year ago and her older sister and father refuse to have anything to do with her, but as her mother I can say that for me as long as she is happy that is all I care about..

    ((HUGS))
  • angelique_redhead
    angelique_redhead Posts: 782 Member
    *HUGS* I'm so sorry. I hope she changes her attitude but I've known some folks whose parents didn't. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  • iamkarent
    iamkarent Posts: 144 Member
    I am sorry to hear that. My daughter, also 17, actually came out this year too. To me...it just means she can feel free to talk to me more openly now..it doesn't change change my feelings for her or our relationship whatsoever...

    Hopefully soon your mom will realize what she is losing by not accepting you for who you are ..HUGS
  • yourenotmine
    yourenotmine Posts: 645 Member
    Aww I'm sorry. I wish no one ever had to go through this. *hugs*
  • Theresafinallygetsitright
    Theresafinallygetsitright Posts: 157
    I am sorry for your sadness :(. Sometimes people just need time to grieve what they feel like they are losing before they can embrace what they have. Sad but true. Just keep being who you are and hopefully, she will learn to see that nothing about who you truly are is defined by who you love.
  • TopazCarey
    TopazCarey Posts: 263
    It takes some people longer than others to come to terms with things of that nature. I think you're doing the right thing by letting her come to terms with it in her own time. In time she'll realize that you're still her daughter and that sexuality doesn't change the person. I always say love is unconditional and if real love was ever there, nothing, especially something like sexuality, can erase it.

    I suggest maybe you get her something for Christmas. I think it'll be a good gesture to show that you still love and care for her and that she should feel the same.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Hugs from me too!! :heart:
  • cmcmommy
    cmcmommy Posts: 197 Member
    Sad, I have a brother who is gay and My mother & nobody in the family has ever turned away from him. He turned away from our family, I think he was ashamed of this lifestyle or the fact that we are catholic and thought we would judge him. As a mother now I could not ever think about not loving my child regardless of what he chooses.
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
    I feel so bad for you, and it must be frustrating that there is nothing you can do to change the situation. It's all on your mom. I hope she grows up soon! *Hugs*
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    perhaps it would be a good idea to purchase mother and daughter photos. After the photo session u could explain the feelings u are having. Just make it clear that there is nothing in her power she can do about that portion but that u want a closer relationship with a nonjudgmental mother.
  • marthathebear
    marthathebear Posts: 498
    Through the years I've come to understand much more about relationships being a wife of 30+ years, a mother for 25 years and on this earth for 50+ years. My daughter went to school with several children that were her friends and in the teenage years they came out. While she is straight herself and it probably bothered her at first she has remained friends with most of those people. I am proud of her for that and I learned so much from it. Your mother is facing the fact that all her dreams for you turned out differently than she planned and that hurts her. I'm sure she would choose a different life for you but it is not her life. She will come around but it may take a while. I agree with the others, keep trying. This will show her that you are the same person you've always been just happier now that there are no secrets between you. You will have to go on with your life and what makes you happy. Life is too short to try to be someone you are not. Let your friends and others know what is going on. They can help ease the pain until she comes around. I will pray it won't take her too long to realize her daughter is the most precious thing in the world, gay or straight.
  • JellyBeans0
    JellyBeans0 Posts: 16
    i think you need to talk with her more about it
    i'm sure she wants you to be happy
    you'll be happy if you act like yourself not like what she wants you to be

    she needs to get used to it ..if not (from the way i see it ) it is her problem
    cheer up
    it is Xmas time :)
  • kobiemom
    kobiemom Posts: 218 Member
    Parents are afraid for their gay children. Things were worse when your mom was your age. She's worried about discrimination, ignorance against you and all sorts of potential problems. Also, parents have dreams for their children from the time they find out about the pregnancy. Reality isn't matching up. She's in withdrawl. It's not necessarily against you. She has a lot to process. Look at how much trouble Cher has talking about Chaz and she's very cool. Keep being you. Mom will come around. In the meantime, seek out support from other sources, including moms of friends. My kids have gay friends and I love them to pieces.
  • jamk1446
    jamk1446 Posts: 5,577 Member
    I just wish that there was something I could do to allow her to understand that I'm still her little happy, bubbly, jolly, laughing, sweetest nina she knew before I came out, I just like women. I feel as though I have no support, I just do things by myself. & I would like to have that support.

    You might consider sending your mother a letter or a card with a note elaborating these feelings right here. She may feel like she doesn't know you anymore. It might not change anything but it's possible this could help break the ice.

    I'm sorry you are feeling alone at Christmas, rejecting is painful. I hope you and your mother can find your way to a relationship again.
  • autumnwater
    autumnwater Posts: 449 Member
    I'm sorry :( Hope you feel better.
  • destack
    destack Posts: 33 Member
    First of all, thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this with the community on here.

    This situation is so, so hard, and I wish people didn't have to go through it. Ultimately, though, I think that giving her space and letting her come to you is the best approach. The only thing you can do is provide her with reminders that you haven't changed, and that you still love her and want to be close to her. Reinforce that you are a happy, successful person, independent of your sexual orientation, and that whoever you love will only make you happy- she might need time to wrap her head around it, but ultimately every parent wants their child to be happy, and, I think, to be a part of their child's life.

    I'm proud of you for staying strong and true to yourself. Even though it's a struggle, know that you have done nothing wrong, and that in time your mom will hopefully come to a new understanding of all the pieces that make up who you are, and will thank you for being open with her.
  • jzammetti
    jzammetti Posts: 1,956 Member
    I never understood how a parent can treat a child like that and I am sorry you have to deal with that pain. The older generation has trouble with this sort of stuff and hopefully she will get over it at some point and reconnect with you; but there is nothing you can do to force her. So, I think you should try your best to forgive her, acccept her limitations for now, and love her anyway (because, let's face it, we are only in control of ourselves). Eventually, I hope, she will come around.

    Go buy her a gift - one that involves some thought - and love her anyway. :happy: :flowerforyou:

    Best of luck to you!
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 497 Member
    I'm sorry you are feeling rejected by the people who are supposed to be there for you. I am proud of you for showing the world who you are. I hope your folks come around soon, and that you have others who care about and support you in the meantime. My only advice is that once you get out of the mall, stop trying to hold it in. I find that when I am trying to keep it together I can sniffle and fight tears all day, but once I really let myself howl (be theatrical), I can only cry like that for about a minute and a half. The sad things are still sad, but you can move on after that. Hope you will be with some fun friends for the holidays. Hugs to you.
  • fitsin10
    fitsin10 Posts: 141
    Send your Mom a letter or a card telling her how much you miss her and you together. Ask her what she needs from you to make it easier for her and let her know how much you miss her and how lonely you feel without her participating in your life. Ask her for a hug and tell her how much you love her. Our paths in life aren't always what parents dream for their children, but parents come around, some need more time than others but in the end that's all we have....family! .....HUG!!!!
    P.S.
    talk to your friends about it, they will help you through this lonely time.
  • photogal375
    photogal375 Posts: 149 Member
    I'm so sorry... I wish there was something I could do to help. Just know that you are a beautiful person and maybe one day soon your mom will realize how much she misses & loves you.... pick up the phone and give you a call. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
  • ukloveme
    ukloveme Posts: 125
    What i learnt about life is their nothng that time cant heal. Just let your mum know you love and miss her and the rest will follow in time. Have faith and keep smiling.
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    I'm going to hope your parents can come to remember that you are still the daughter they loved when you were a child. ((HUGS)). Reading your post made me think you are totally lovable, and I hope that your family comes to realize that really soon!
  • keelz2010
    keelz2010 Posts: 182
    Aww bless you, I really feel for you. Sometimes it can be a lot to process for a parent, and can take some time. She probably finds it hard to talk about so is avoiding the situation completly. I would suggest writing her a Christmas card, and pop a letter inside.

    Explain that you came out to her as you needed a mothers support at a confusing time, and that you miss the relationship you had prior to this. Let her know you understand that she finds it difficult and she has all the time to come to terms with it, but you are happy as you are and she need not worry for you. You could include a gift , or a giftcard for a spa day, or a nice lunch and ask her to join you for a day out and celebrate the new year. Give her the card then go out for a few hours, give her some time to think about what you have written. Hopefully this will let her see how you are feeling.

    You can include a link to this website for families of people that have come out, I sent the li k to my own parents-this is the UK one;

    http://www.fflag.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=25

    or US
    http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    (((Hugs))) I'm sorry. Five years is a long time.

    My partner had a harder time than I did when she came out to her parents (we both came out over 30 years ago). I learned some years ago that parents of LGBT also have their own coming-out process to do.

    There's a lot of good information over at PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends Lesbians and Gays):
    https://community.pflag.org/

    They offer free publications here:
    https://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594

    They also have a chapter in Greensboro. You don't have to do this alone.

    Maybe your mother really needs to know that she is not alone, either. Other parents have gone through what she has and have come around.

    Above all, keep treasuring yourself. That will also set a good example for your mom.
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    or US
    http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539

    Ya beat me to it, keelz2010. :D
  • FatIsNotGood4Me
    FatIsNotGood4Me Posts: 45 Member
    Sorry about your sadness... I don't have any on my family that is gay or lesbian and I am thankful for that, you know why, because It'll be hell for that person, I am from a very conservative family, sometimes I just wonder if I was adopted lol I think different, I just don't understand why we just can love people equally, I pray you don't hold your feelings against your mother, hope your mother can accept you as you are, hugs to you... give your mother some time, probably she is trying to process this change, and soon she will hold you into her arms and love you like you deserve. God bless you girl {{{hugs}}}
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    My youngest daughter came out about a year ago and her older sister and father refuse to have anything to do with her, but as her mother I can say that for me as long as she is happy that is all I care about..

    ((HUGS))

    Good for you, Mom! I don't understand how some parents can just stop loving their babies like that! They should be grateful to have raised a happy, healthy, loving child - regardless of sexuality. Maybe they just need time to adjust, but maybe they are set in their ways.

    OP, I kinda know what it's like to have to sever ties with family. My husband is estranged from his parents, although not for the same reason. It really sucks when a parent can't respect that their adult children are independent people, not an extension of themselves. Maybe your Mom will come around in time, but if she doesn't, that's on her, not you!

    It may be that you need to find your own family - you aren't stuck with the people who share your genes - just ask my husband. I don't believe in keeping relationships with unsupportive/unloving/abusive/negative people. It's disappointing and hurtful to not be accepted by the people who should make you feel safe, but don't let them bring you down. :heart:
  • Zeromilediet
    Zeromilediet Posts: 787 Member
    As a mother now I could not ever think about not loving my child regardless of what he chooses.

    ^^ This ... except I'd add this is not a choice.

    Stay strong and be who you are.

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