Getting the Husband on board! Why is it so hard?

bubbaduts
bubbaduts Posts: 196 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My husband and i are in a constant battle about health. He sabotages me at every stage in my weightloss. I know this is terrible but after 2 years and having 30 pounds left to lose i gave him an ultimatum. Fix yourself or lose me forever.

now i need to explain something. My husband is severely depressed and has been since i have known him which was fine when i was and didnt care about anything. But in the last 2 years we have grown apart to the point where there is times i cant stand being around him. Yesterday I ran a 5k my first race since tearing my meniscus last June running a marathon and after i finished i watched a couple run hand in hand across the finish line. I said cute and my husband scoffed and said that's never going to happen. That was the moment when i knew if he didn't do something fast i wasn't going to be in this much longer. My first thought was i deserve better and until recently i never would have thought that.

My husband has "tried" in the past and has gone to the gym maybe 10 times in the last year with me but then says you're the one who likes working out not me. and i just want to slap him and tell him how much i hated it for 6 miserable months and it took time to like it but my words are always lost on him. He is only about 40 pounds overweight but has high cholesterol and asthma and severe depression. We tried counseling together and he tried it separately but he says it didn't work. So i am at my last hope and told him he has 2 months or he loses me forever.

Has anyone else had a similar experience after losing weight and changing their line?
«13

Replies

  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    Any time a question can be phrased as, "How do I get someone to do something," the answer is always, "You can't." Your husband has to decide to get healthy for himself. That includes both his physical health and mental health. Sorry to have to put it so bluntly.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    so you dont like the fact that your husband isnt into fitness like you....

    what DO you like about him?
  • __RANDY__
    __RANDY__ Posts: 1,036 Member
    make a trade give him something he wants... :wink:
  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    Simple - you can't. Your husband needs to decide for himself that his mental and physical health are important enough to make a change.
  • bubbaduts
    bubbaduts Posts: 196 Member
    It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self
  • darkguardian419
    darkguardian419 Posts: 1,302 Member
    Bargain with him. Try to find something he would actually enjoy. Maybe it isn't even the gym, but hiking, or canoeing or anything physical.
  • brooke8366
    brooke8366 Posts: 4 Member
    You have to be happy with your husband how he is. If you want a husband that runs across the finish line with you, you might need to look somewhere else.

    He is who he is, you are who you are
  • Aliykat
    Aliykat Posts: 29
    I agree that you cannot force someone to do something that they do not want to do. They have to want to do it for themselves, and sometimes forcing someone will just make it worse.

    Is there a fun exercise related activity you two could do together? Ice skating, swimming, a class together at the gym, or martial arts?

    Try suggesting one of those and see how it goes, or have a very candid talk with him and tell him your concerns.
  • cdpark617
    cdpark617 Posts: 316 Member
    I struggled trying to lose weight for years. I tried, failed. I tried again, failed again. I needed to find what was right for me.

    What would not have worked is someone giving me ultimatums about leaving me. Now that might be what you need to do to feel good about leaving him, but it won’t get him to succeed. He might try again based on your ultimatum, but your ultimatum will fail. He needs to find his own motivation and what works for him.

    Oh and on top of everything I would avoid slapping him too.
  • chervil6
    chervil6 Posts: 236 Member
    i'd sit him down and ask him what he wants , listen to each other , or maybe go for a walk together to get out of the house , if you dont talk , from what you say you wont be together much longer ...............
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
    Simple - you can't. Your husband needs to decide for himself that his mental and physical health are important enough to make a change.

    This. The only thing you can do is be a good example, invite him to go for walks with you, find a physical activity you both enjoy and can participate in together. Though you do say you can't stand being around him at times which is not good.....
  • ravenchick
    ravenchick Posts: 345 Member
    You can't get someone to change until they are ready. Just keep doing what you're doing. Maybe one day your husband will be ready and ask for your help. Until then, just focus on yourself.
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
    You can encourage him, but you can't force him to change. Honestly, the ultimatum sounds harsh, sounds like you care for fitness more than your spouse. Even if that's not what you meant to sound like, that's what I'm hearing.

    My husband doesn't exercise AT ALL. Do I find it discouraging? Yes. But I can't force him to do that, he has to come to it on his own. All I can do is set the example and hope he will follow, when he's ready.
  • chervil6
    chervil6 Posts: 236 Member
    or maybe get a dog to take for walks together :)
  • bubbaduts
    bubbaduts Posts: 196 Member
    He is a snowboarder and i am a skier i bought him a seasons pass for christmas in hopes that he would want to exercise but unfortunately the few times we have gone he takes one run or maybe 2 and wants to go get a beer then sits and takes one more run an hour later and is all done.
  • nguk123
    nguk123 Posts: 223
    It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

    When you say he is depressed has he been clinically diagnosed, is it a self diagnosis? Or is it short hand for being a bit of a downer? Cause I would probably have different advice depending on that...
  • thekyleo
    thekyleo Posts: 632 Member
    small steps, you can't just expect someone to go to the gym and start working out and losing weight and eating right all at once. I too suffer from depression and went through a similar phase like your husband. My wife wanted me to get in shape soo bad and i just didn't care. I felt that if i died today it would be for the better. However, something inside me finally snapped and i decided to get healthy. But trying to change someone doesn't work, just remember to be supportive of him every step of the way
  • heypurdy
    heypurdy Posts: 196 Member
    I hear ya. I've been trying to get my boyfriend on board with going to the gym with me but it just isn't happening. He signed up but won't go with me! So I just gave up and go to the classes by myself. I don't mind anymore. As far as food goes, he doesn't care what we eat so it's easy to prepare healthy food.
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    That seems like a bit of a cruel ultimatum.

    Have you both considered OTHER venues for treating his depression? Therapy, medication, etc? If you insist it can only be done through fitness, then you are not really looking for a healthy husband - you just want a cheerleader.

    You can't make him. I went crazy for a year trying to force my boyfriend - who is both overweight and depressed - to get help. He finally settled on therapy, which we are working on getting him right now.

    There is no one path. Be open. And be supportive.
  • zombilishious
    zombilishious Posts: 1,250 Member
    Been there, done that. Your focus needs to be on you, not him. He will follow, or he won't.

    Do what makes you happy, don't depend on him for your happiness and don't let him depend on you for his.

    Your goals are just that - YOURS.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
    Ultimatums never work.
    Anyway, he doesn't have to exercise to lose weight.
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,010 Member
    Bargain with him. Try to find something he would actually enjoy. Maybe it isn't even the gym, but hiking, or canoeing or anything physical.

    This.....but without the enjoying the physical activity part. Use a reward system........Every day he goes to the gym and works out for an hour he gets a b*@w(#b. Trust me. It works. Then you are both happy.

    As for your ultimatum.....Id rethink that. It's not healthy and it's not right. If you want to work on the marriage.....work on it.....accept him as he is. If you don't think you can do that then move on so he can find someone who will. It's OK to talk to him, express your concerns and try to get him to change because you love him and you want him to be healthy.......but "fix it or I'm leaving you" isn't the way to handle it.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
    I too have depression. I know from personal experience that there is nothing that you can say or do that is going to "make" him start focusing on his physical health. In all honesty, that is the least of his worries. He needs to focus on his mental health first and foremost. As I have said, I know personally. Not only because I suffer from depression, but because I divorced my husband of 17 years for some of the same reasons. Reality is, that we just grew apart and I was making excuses. It had nothing to do with him not wanting to workout or eat healthy. Do some soul searching and figure out if the health issues are really your biggest issues.
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
    It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

    Exercise is great for depression, but if it is a serious issue he may need treatment/support beyond what you can provide. I had a friend married to a depressive, 7 years in they are divorcing as he is unwilling to get help.....
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
    Ultimatums never work.
    Anyway, he doesn't have to exercise to lose weight.

    Agreed. I try to cook and serve healthy meals so that even if my husband has seconds or thirds, it's not going to be a calorie buster.
  • bubbaduts
    bubbaduts Posts: 196 Member
    Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.
    It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

    When you say he is depressed has he been clinically diagnosed, is it a self diagnosis? Or is it short hand for being a bit of a downer? Cause I would probably have different advice depending on that...
  • _VoV
    _VoV Posts: 1,494 Member
    My husband is a gym rat, and wants me to be too. It's not my thing.

    I like a more natural way to exercise. In other words, I'd rather lay a patio than lift free weights. I like productive work, and I say that without judgment. That's me.

    I would say to engage in a discussion with your husband rather than think he needs to do things your way. Yes, it's sweet about that couple crossing the finish line together, but my guess is that even with couples running the race together, that most finish apart since one is faster than the other, and wants to show their optimal performance.

    For a different slant on exercise, check this out: http://zenhabits.net/fit13/

    Edited for a more accurate link.
  • Lone_Wolf70
    Lone_Wolf70 Posts: 2,820 Member
    have y looked in the mirror and said "maybe its my fault cause of my nagging?"
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
    continue being an example and leave him the heck alone. no one made me ready, until it was time for me to be ready
  • bubbaduts
    bubbaduts Posts: 196 Member
    lol yes actually i have!
    have y looked in the mirror and said "maybe its my fault cause of my nagging?"

Categories