A Miscarraige and Evil Doctor

I always go with a female doctor! They are more understanding! Good luck to you!

That is beyond false.

I was 36 and pregnant and went to the FEMALE ob/gyn that my sister recommended. I wasn't overweight by very much at the time.... maybe 15 pounds... so it wasn't a factor. At nine weeks I had an ultrasound, and there on the screen was my very tiny little baby, but they couldn't see a heartbeat. My female doctor said, this could just be that you aren't as far along as we thought, or it could mean that the baby is dead. She didn't even remotely sugar coat it. She also insisted that because of my age she was scheduling an amniocentesis because, and I quote, "If there is something wrong with the baby and you have it, your husband will leave you. I see it all the time." My jaw fell. I told her that wasn't even an issue, but I was concerned that the amnio might cause it's own set of problems and that even if there was "something wrong" with the baby, I still intended to have it. She insisted that she was still going to schedule it, but that if they discovered a problem I should have an abortion, but she herself wouldn't do it because it was against her beliefs. What??? (I am 100% pro choice, but MY choice is that I would not consider that option for myself under any circumstances). She then sent me for genetic counselling. Meanwhile, they repeated the ultrasound 2 weeks later and it was clear even with my untrained eye that the baby was no longer viable. The tech wouldn't verify it, saying I'd have to wait to hear from my doctor. I left the hospital in tears. Later that night I called her when I started to bleed. She said, oh yes, I got your ultrasound results and the baby is dead. You're having a miscarriage. If it doesn't pass on it's own just go into the ER and they'll do a D&C to get rid of what's left. I was crushed... not just by the news but by her utterly callous delivery of it. I loved that baby no less than I loved the children I already had... I had already named it, and I mourned the loss for a long time.

A year and a half later I got pregnant again. Went to the same doctor, thinking, well, she knows my history so it makes sense. Again, I got the lecture about amnio and abortion and I told her flat out NO, neither option even be considered. I carried that baby to term. During my prenatal care the doctor continued to be blunt, rude, and physically rough. I'd never had a doctor HURT me like that. I said to a friend, she's a woman, you'd think she'd know what hurts. During labor and delivery she physically hurt me several times. It had been 11 years since I'd had a baby and he was 2 pounds larger than either of my previous children had been at birth, so I had a hard time. I'm not saying I was whiny.... not at all... but she treated me impatiently and with the worst possible bedside manner imaginable. I don't know why I was surprised... that was her M.O. from day one. My beautiful, healthy son was born, and 6 weeks later I saw her one last time for my postpartum check up. I never saw her again after that, opting to switch doctors. That was 22 years ago. I heard last summer that she had died. This may sound horrible, but I looked at my son and said "the ***** that delivered you died... wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not". Obviously, I harbored some resentment toward her!

I guess I'm just reiterating that no, going to a woman doctor doesn't guarantee you'll get more empathetic care at all! And, that losing your baby, even early on, is devastating and your doctor was a jerk. I'm sure they've seen this so often that to one degree or another it's routine, but when it's happening to YOU, it's anything but routine. DON'T let what one, callous, thoughtless physician said to you color all that you do now or in the future. Being severely overweight not only makes becoming pregnant more difficult (though not impossible) it truly complicates any pregnancy that might happen. I do not for a second believe your weight caused your miscarriage, and his implication was hurtful. Conception is complicated and so much can and does go wrong, no matter what size the mother is. By all means, lose your weight and get as healthy as you can then try again. You've come to the right place for support if you're willing to do the work!

At the first sign that my Dr. was not going to work out (I had been seeing his nurse practitioner), I dropped him like a hot potato. I put the word out that I was looking for a new OB/Gyn since I was pregnant by then and found a gem of a Dr. by referral. There is absolutely no good reason to stay with a Dr. if you think s/he is doing more harm than good. Even on the insurance plans that have you pick a PCP before you go, as I understand it, you can switch as long as you switch before you go. An even if your plan really doesn't allow switching, it would be money well spent to get a toxic Dr. out of your life.

I have the most wonderful Dr. now and hope he never moves away.

Um, I know lots of people who are over weight and got pregnant, I have 5 kids myself and I wad 218 when I got pregnant with my youngest. Weight is hardly a factor and working in the medical field before that doctor is lucky that he didn't get sued by you and you could have reported him to the medical board and he might have been under review because of that. Miscarriages do happen and lots of times people can have them without knowing, get a new OBGYN and never go back to that person again. You are not 400 plus pounds. To blame it on your weight was not right.

WOW!!!! Thats insane. Im so sorry that you had to deal with a doctor that was straight from the slums of haties!!! Ive been trying for 10 years to get pregnant. I miscrried in August 2011 and went through the emotional roller coaster as well. Ive done the same as you and owned up to the fact that its probable that my weight is an issue so Ive been on a mission as well. Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you. MUCH LOVE!

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Have you ever considered weight loss surgery?

I'm so sorry you lost your baby, no matter how far along, that is an awful thing to go through.

And that doctor. I agree with most of the others here, report him if you can do it. 250 calories per day isn't just KIND OF starvation mode. Was he making a recommendation to try and hurt you? That's what it sounds like. He sounds unfit to give care. That is not a recommendation I could ever see someone giving or seriously taking.

Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your husband. I hope you can achieve your dreams!

i understand weight CAN BE a factor in whether or not a person has a difficult or easier time getting pregnant, and i myself did have a miscarriage, but i also gave birth, as an obese person, to twins, who are now 17 months old and completely healthy. explaining the health benefits of losing weight and being a complete d*ck are very different, that doctor was the latter. even if he had done a better job approaching the subject, it wasn't the time. i'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. No one should ever be made to feel like you did. What an insensitive jerk! I would have let that doctor have it.
You can do this!!!

First, so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to experience.
Second, I agree with the other posters - that doc is a jerk beyond proportions not to mention giving you advice that isn't medically sound.

I think of doctors like house painters - if you don't like the job they do, or if they are good but a jerk, or if they creep you out in some way, FIRE them and get another one. Never ever go to a doctor that makes you feel that way. We tend to think of doctors as these mighty beings but they are just human and some humans are a-holes!

Can weight impact your ability to get pregnant? for some women yes but plenty of heavy and even obese women get pregnant and have healthy babies. It's always better if the mom is in good- healthy condition -- but in reality I don't know anyone who got pregnant when they were in perfect condition...scratch that, I don't know anyone IN perfect condition to begin with.

I tried to get pregnant for years and heard that my weight might be a factor - well I never did get pregnant but I did have 2 beautiful children through adoption and I am blessed to have such wonderful kids. I wouldn't change my experience for all the money in the world. And now I'm healthier because of my kids - I needed to get off my butt and be healthier to run and chase a toddler (world's best cardio workout btw is dancing holding a toddler).

Good luck to you on your journey - one day I hope to hear your success story both in pregnancy and in weight loss! You go girl!

That is complete BS by the doctor. I just had my second child Dec. 10 and I was hovering at 300lbs when I became pregnant. I had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to a happy and healthy baby. Granted I watched what I ate and continued to exercise and with my doctors advice I actually lost weight while pregnant. He never should of told you that you would never be able to have another baby. Yes it is easier to become pregnant if you are not extremely heavy but not impossible and a miscarriage is not a guarantee because of weight it is just an unfortunate part that does happen regardless of who you are and how much you weigh.